Silence

To the hopeful soul

The world is pretty miserable around but recently I found some hope, it was not some mental thought but a person. We tend to derive positive emotions from the people who are close to us or those we love but this person was actually nothing more than an acquaintance, he was neither my love nor my friend or family. He was just an acquaintance, a person who was around me because he was supposed to be. Now coming to why he was a ray of hope. While growing up we start losing our innocence, our happy vibe and energy, we get burdened by responsibility and so on but this person was different, he was in his 20s but his eyes were innocent as a 2 years old, he was also going through enough but his smile was enough to wash your pains. This feeling I got while being around him was different, he was warm as a winter sun. It never felt like things would go wrong around him, I know I was in a different place then but he was enough to give me hope.

It makes me, me

I was waiting for my feelings to go numb

I was waiting for that day but I was dumb

I thought that with each day the wound would grow old

I expected that each day would make me cold

But little I realised

And very little I was surprised

With each passing day

My feelings started spreading like a ray

It reached ever nook and corner of my existence

But I was still hoping with persistence

It was so difficult to feel

The reason I thought time would heal

Soon I had a lot of opinions

Surprisingly they made me cry more than onions

Soon the tree of feeling got a strong hold

Now I knew nothing was going to get old

All experiences and incidents

Were giving my wounds new dents

Crying became a constant part of my lifestyle

Funny enough that it was just a more defined form of my old style

I didn't know what to do with so much going on inside

Never realised it would be so much more than what was going outside

Checking and rechecking all emotions

Hide and seek with everything was in motion

Defining the ideas I had was important

Knowing I was right was like a reinforcement

I knew the wounds are not going now

But still adapting raised the question how

Connecting dots was a daily routine

Adulting is much more difficult than being a teen

Sensations, feelings and emotions are always going to be difficult for me

But when I introspect I realise it makes me, me.

So you left me

I realised late

Ah! That was always my fate

I know I ignored you first

But what you did was worst

It's so intimidating to see myself in a mirror because I see me and then this another person who is not me. A person who is just an amalgamation of my mother, my father and my grandparents. A person who is not one but many. And it is so amazing and frightening at the same time. The fact that like every other thing, like every other incident, and person, you also hold the potential to be beautiful and scary not only to others but to your own self too.

Sometimes you had planned so much about a life with a certain person in it, that even a picture or a memory of them today can make you feel completely empty from inside. Although you were happily living your life on your own till yesterday and its been years of not being in touch with them.

I don't want to be perfect

You want to be perfect my psychologist said

It was the problem usually left unsaid

It's been years

But I still remember her saying it again and again

I dismissed all thoughts

Because she was actually my teacher and teachers never know it all

But today I sit and am ready to contemplate

I don't think it's late

The problem is still that I don't believe her

Although from I don't want to be perfect

To do I really want to be perfect I have grown some thoughts

But still I am clear as a crystal ball

And I internally never wanted to be perfect is the feeling that stands tall

I realised by now

That I was just wired like that somehow

No one ever told me that being imperfect is good

I was just growing up under their hood

I always thought that's how you get love

I never wanted to join the unwanted club

There were only two statements I usually heard

I am proud of you always sounded warmer than that person is better than you, bud

Each mark lost in exam made me shattered

Because I knew it was deciding how much I mattered

Maybe that is how everyone is wired

And it's funny that nobody is getting tired

I guess the tireds join the unwanted club

And we are not taught to talk about them in this hub

I don't blame anyone

Because choosing this life was already done

But I might not have the pace

That is required to win this rat race

Although standing behind and alone

Means your chances of affection are blown

The problem is that we are not pushed towards self love

We are just pulling ourselves with self bluff

I was never behind perfection

I can say it loud and clear

I was always running behind affection

I mumbled with a tear

No matter how early you read the poem 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost, you are going to understand it completely only in your 20s.

Suicide

As a child I really loved the idea of suicide and kind of glorified it in my mind. It seemed perfect in all ways, you don't have to suffer in old age, you don't have to suffer from the pain of any terminal illness. It was just like if things are not going well you can end things whenever you want. I always liked the fact that suicide gives you the right to end your life as per your wish and instead of someone or something having the ability to end you.

But now a lot of time has passed, I am an adult and very thankful that I found a reason to not do something so 'awesome' as suicide. Because now I am mature and has realised that the notion behind my glorifying suicide had no base. I have realised that Yes when we try to hang ourselves we are the ones to remove that stool from under our feet but the rope we use was given to us by someone else. In simple words we want to end our lives but only because of others and how they treat us, which is obviously wrong. One more thing I realised growing up is that like we got hundred reasons to procrastinate our work, we also got hundred reasons to procastinate the idea of suicide. And for me just a single one was sufficient to keep me alive and also to teach me how to love life.

Maybe you need more than one reason to keep up living but I know you have those reasons, so just find them and cling to it till you start loving yourself and the surrounding. If I can move on everyone can and you know if I would have opted for suicide back when I was a kid, maybe I would have never been able to face all those failures and then enjoyed overcoming them. Challenges don't make your life miserable but they make your life unique. Just like I love to wear a unique dress to a party, I also love having my set of failures and challenges which make my life unique.

Finally, when you feel like ending your life just cling to the 'some' reasons around you to live till the time you start loving your life. Because suicide is stupid and everyone definitely realises that one day.

What feminism means to me?

Whenever I come across a new word, my first approach towards understanding it, is through the kind of words it is related to or the impression that word has on me. And only when I don't find either of it, I go for the dictionary. So, when I came across this word "FEMINISM" my basic approach told me that it is a word related to females and it's impression was that, it is related to some bigger cause. Therefore for a very long time the meaning of feminism for me was supporting women and their growth. But little did I know that this small word means something completely different.

Feminism as I now know is supporting equal rights to both the sexes. Yes, the meaning I earlier made out really seems correct because eventually females are the oppressed class and if we help them grow then the meaning of feminism will be fulfilled. But still this approach lacks the real essence. I mean personally I don't want a single place to give women preferential treatment, I don't even like the reserved seats in bus for women, because if you are reserving seat for women then why not you label the other seats as reserved for men. The truth is even if we ask the government to label the other seats as men's seat they won't, because it will make men look weak, it will make them look as the class of society who needs preference/reservation in such basic things, especially when they are "strong" enough to stand in the bus all through the journey (which they definitely don't do but they are strong enough). I think labelling seats as reserved for pregnants, sick patients and elderly is the correct approach. I don't know what you think but for me indirectly getting labelled as weak who needs support is not feminism at all.

I know that we are not biologically same, we have our differences and no matter what, they won't change. But when men and women can climb the same Mt. Everest, why can't they achieve the same respect in society. My question is why does a female manager gets less wages than a male manager, even when the man manages just his office while a woman manages her family and office together. I have heard people discuss greatly of single dads but a woman is always a single mom. I agree that time is changing dads are more involved now but still in most of the Indian households it is still the mother who is responsible for a child's health, education, upbringing, etc the only contribution dad's have is giving money and majority of women can earn that also now. Still I haven't heard a single person saying "she brought up her kid alone". So no appreciation at work or home for females, and that's precisely what needs to be changed.

There are so many causes which we take under the movement of feminism but in reality belong to the movement of humanity. Do you think domestic violence is something feminists should fight for or humanists should fight for? Like as a feminist I must have one approach that I don't care if domestic violence is considered correct but if it is correct then women should also get a chance and not be judged for beating up their husbands. Like that is what we are asking "equal rights". So for me it is something humanists should fight for and not feminists. I guess you would have understood by this description that there are so many things, so many instances and moments where we women are not even treated like humans. So, yes how can we jump on getting equal rights if we are not even getting basic human rights.

This is why the meaning of feminism is so blurry because we have to fight for basic rights first then only we can aim for equal rights. In all this, I am still against reservation for women because anyhow labelling us weak is not true to the essence of feminism. I am clearly against undermining the good men by accusing "all men". I am against not fighting those women who act even worsely than men and are the biggest hater of a woman's growth. So today and everyday I ask the world to treat me as they would treat a woman, but to end all differences between a man and a woman. I think most of the women, girls, females want the same thing.

In an ideal world I hope that all men and women are equally appreciated, supported and treated. I hope there are more scenarios where we act as humans and not men or women. I hope we could clear the gender boundaries at workplaces, public places and become more respectful of each other. We don't have to worry because all consider each other as humans respect each other's rights and existence. Most importantly we don't have to fight for basic human respect.

Not loneliness but a peaceful abode

It's so lovely to walk on an empty road

It's not loneliness but a peaceful abode

The winds going slowly

Making your hairs a messy fun

You make the map to walk on

Nothing specific for your attention to lock on

You take your favourite turns

You can open yourself and run

The grass even on your side seems greener

You are not you but someone with a different demeanor

You might go back to the memory lane

But it's so nice that it doesn't give you pain

You can remember your favourite song

You might realise you haven't listened it for so long

You might sigh but it's a sigh of relief

There is no one to give you social anxiety

You can think the things you never think about

You can feel the emotions you were unaware about

It's not tragic

But just magic