For I Am Become The Great Pretender Betrayer Of A Youthful Me

Night blackens the air where I stand

A crisp chill prickling my skin

Almost midnight

I breathe in

I should be sleeping but I’m not

Woken by nightmares

Silent screams

Hidden terrors

Now outside I look to the sky

Seeing some stars

Through the city lights

Dogs start barking

I’m not alone

Time to re-enter my warmer home

Trudge to my bedroom

Crawl into the sheets

Type out a poem

Then fall back into sleep

There was nothing resolute you could do about sadness, you were finding. You simply had to embrace the forlorn notions, and live out across the day, finding concentration in the other things you loved. Whilst realising that that thing you once loved was never coming back.

I dance around my room on halloween at five in the morning, so I can wear my costume to school, and I listen to three cheers for sweet revenge by the alternative band my chemical romance on cd.

I have been looking for that cd for almost a year now I just got it over the weekend

I have had you for almost five years now I don't know why I'm still looking for you

abstract art he says

i dont much understand it

he says its intriguing

i find questions with no answers

he says in a good way

i tell him i can't stand not knowing

he says im like abstract art

i dont much understand it

If I were a runner I'd be a sprinter

And if I were a painter I'd never buy varnish

If I were your rich great aunt I'd bore you with stories of a drunken Italy

And if I were a mother I'd eat my children in one sitting

If I were your girlfriend I'd be the summer to your tom

And if I were a musician I'd have five singles you had to buy separately and burn onto one disk

If I were a writer I'd be a poet

And if I were a poet I'd never breath a word of this to you

it's selfish,

I know it is.

I apologized for it,

which I know means nothing.

yet I still pressed send,

for me not for you.

and I tell you that,

in typed out abbreviated words.

'so sorry chat',

like it fixes my cruelty.

I could've left well enough alone,

but who am I kidding.

my friends wonder why people vape,

when they know it's bad for them.

well why do they procrastinate writing essays?

why do we stay up late on school nights?

why do I scratch and scrape at my scared skin?

why did I press send on that damn message?

it's selfish,

self harm its in the name.

I apologized for it,

which I know means nothing.

I am so fucking sorry,

for all the wrong reasons.

You do poems? that’s kool b/c I used to do poems during my 8th grade year- I use poems to express my feelings sometimes. Makes me happy, what about you?

Yeah I started doing poems in 8th grade too. It helps me get out of my head I don't very much like it in here but being able to see it out there makes it easier. Sometimes I write stuff that makes me happy but usually its the bad stuff that I need to get out. I've been doing good so I might post something more uplifting soon. I hope you continue writing it is a beautiful outlet.

how do i tell her i made it?

all those nights dreaming of what waking up might feel like. all those mornings still stuck in a dream.

how do i tell her that every week day i wake up at six to greet the blue haze outside my window while i dance to the radio station and put on way too much highlighter?

all those hours longing for satisfaction. all those minutes longing for routine.

how do i tell her my days are full of a life which i live?

all those poems praying for my flame. all those prayers poeticizing the mundane.

for the first time ever i anticipate spring

i am getting used to short hair

i wonder will i ever get used to my scream

when your mom gives you an oil that helped with her scars

and when your cousin has a semicolon tattooed on his forearm

you just can't help but wonder if you had known it all before

would you do it again?