Just Reading This Hurts

OKAY headcannon time:

Once in the 17th century Crowley and Aziraphale got into a fight about the best type of wine (Crowley likes red, Aziraphale likes white) and for the next decade or so, two of the best red and white wineries in England got a seemingly out-of-the-blue 'sponsor' who paid them outrageous amounts of money to grow the best grapes and buy the fanciest brewing equipment. The two wineries formed a dramatic feud that lasted for years, passively aggressively trying to drive each other out of business and sabotaging wine tasting competitions all over the country to try and one-up the other winery.

Until one day, two young ladies from each winery fell in love Romeo & Juliet style and ran off together to live out their dreams of lesbian beer brewing in Ireland. Moved, the mysterious sponsors tried the other's wine for the first time and had to admit they liked the other's better (although they would never tell each other that)

They mutually coincided to calling the great-wine-off a tie, and the legend of the feuding families is still present in some parts of the English countryside that Aziraphale and Crowley are still to sheepish to visit to this very day

14th doctor headcannons: TARDIS EDITION

When the TARDIS upgraded she made sure there were a bunch of ramps everywhere because the doctor gets the zoomies sometimes and needs to run around in excitement (^_^)

and also because WHEELCHAIR ACCESS yaaas baby

On April fools, she moves all of the ramps exactly one centimetre to the left (the doctor tries to run across them and immediately faceplants) (The TARDIS recorded it and sent it to Donna)

there's technically a bedroom on board but when the doctor does sleep he likes to curl up under the control console because he says he can 'feel her heartbeat'

it became the only way he could fall alseep without nightmares

one time Donna found him there and practically melted

she can play music but only does so for comedic effect (she likes ABBA the most)

The Doctor: Okay, I don't exactly have a plan, per say, but I'm sure I'll come up with something in the moment...

The TARDIS: 🎶 Mama Mia ! Here we go again !

She has a photo she took of Donna, Rose (Noble) and The Doctor all laughing together that she doesn't show anyone but keeps just in case she gets separated from the Doctor again and gets lonely

Aziracrow headcannons (because they're idiots and I love them <3)

okay so the shortest known battle in the history of the world was 38 minutes long. It took place in 1896, from 9:00am-9:38am

and doesn't that just scream Aziracrow?

hear me out:

Crowley: oh yeah, Angel, hell wants me to tempt some humans into starting another war

Aziraphale: Another one? really? and this soon after the civil war - it feels rather lazy, doesn't it?

Crowley: well, you know those guys, always got quotas to fill. Plus, I'm already on thin ice with downstairs at the present, I'm afraid I can't really get out of this one.

Aziraphale, sighing: I know, I know...I suppose...what do you say to a teeny tiny war?

Crowley: ...just how tiny are we talking?

good omens characters I would trust with my car (if I had one)

Who I would let borrow my car:

Crowley. That demon would take care of my car - I'm talking pristine seats, clean glovebox, the shiniest it's ever been. He would claim that he wasn't doing it to be nice (he's not nice) and complain about how dirty it was before but we all know the truth. All my CD's would probably be mysteriously replaced with Queen (if he has to listen to it all time, so does everybody else.) There would be 17 parking tickets in 5 different languages on the dash. When you get the car back you realise that you gave it to him with a nearly empty tank but for some reason he didn't seem to refill it? And it worked perfectly fine???

Aziraphale. Look we both know when I get it back it'll be bright yellow and probably look like it's off a 60s sitcom but I mean look at his FACE is that the kind of face you could say no to? Yeah, I don't think so. He would be all "pretty please could I borrow your beautiful car" and the keys would be his. I don't blame Crowley for letting him drive the Bentley I would also forfeit all my mortal possessions to this angel.

Anathema. She wouldn't ask she'd just grab my keys and be like "I'll be back at 6:02" and who am I to question it? it would be 6:02 exactly and the car would turn up in my driveway covered in dirt. where did all the dirt come from??? I don't think I want to know. There would be a sticky note on the dashboard with a cryptic prophecy involving an elaborate generation-long ruse and today's wordle answer. would I let her borrow it again? probably.

Who I would not let borrow my car:

Newton Pulsifer. This man would rename my car words that haven't even been invented yet. He would've used my number plate to sign up for a Spanish inquisition fanclub. Heaven forbid that I have a Bluetooth speaker inside (it would turn into a green tooth speaker or something I swear.) The car would end up in a ditch in the neighbour's cornfield. He would offer me toast as an apology.

Sergeant Shadwell. Let's just say he uses the buses for a reason.

Archangel Gabriel. My radio would exclusively play bible stations from now on. The car would glow pure white and float above the ground. He would get pulled over for going 3km on the motorway. His driver's license would say 'human Gabriel who's a completely normal human being. profession: definitely not archangel of heaven. (that'll fool 'em guys) age: human. He would sit and watch the windscreen wipers go back and forward for 5 hours like a cat.

things my autocorrect has changed 'Aziraphale' to:

Paleographer

theology

overestimate

cavalierly

we are among you

reblog if you wear glasses. too many mutuals don't know they have glasses wearers in their midsts

SNEK HATS

this has probably been done before BUT Aziraphale makes these little snake hats for Crowley

you know the ones...

the dumbest miracles Good Omens characters have performed: AZRIAPHALE EDITION

FIRSTLY OUR LITTLE PROBLEM ANGEL IS THE INVENTOR OF FRIVOLOUS MIRACLES AND WE LOVE HIM FOR IT

using constant miracles to keep those three little wisps of hair perfectly framing his forehead during the french revolution era

repeatedly reheating cups of cocoa (he makes it, sits down all cozy, gets distracted by a book (or Crowley), realises it went cold, reheats it, and the cycle continues)

once reheated it 7 times in a row before accidentally knocking the mug onto the floor

making random little trinkets in the bookshop turn the same yellow as Crowley's eyes <3

getting rid of that little moustache he drew on for his magic act in 1941 (he used a permanent marker)

proceeded to have to use the exact same miracle after drawing on the moustache for his performance at Warlock's eleventh birthday party

adjusting old clothes to still fit him even after a full decade (cough cough the waistcoat from 1941) because they remind him of his favourite things (read: Crowley)

me, shivering under 3 blankets on my bed in the middle of winter: sUnSHinE? wHeRe? whErE iS tHe sUNshiNE?

god i love being able to do work from my laptop on a bench in the sunshine with an iced vanilla latte by my side

ruined my life, 5 stars

Time for an experiment!

Good Omens