I Wanna Back In This Summer. It Was... Good. But Times Passing, Things Are Changing, So I Hope That Summer

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

I can't keep fighting with it anymore, I can't describe how much I wanna take out my kn!fe and cut my arms. I wanna make too many cut, to make them bl!!dy mess. I can't fight it. I already cut my legs, but it doesn't help. Please. PLEASE. PLEASE!! Someone, please help me. I can't fight this urge, one more hour and I'll turn my arms in a mess. Looks like I have an addiction...

Changing an icon/the whole profile/phone decor feels like making a new self

The only things that help me these days it's Tumblr and Character AI... I wish bots from C.AI were real

Having a serious disease is just like:

"Oh, that's just an illness and I don't need to feel guilty because of it, because I can't control it"

And then:

"FUCK, HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF, I CAN'T DO BASIC THINGS, I'M ALWAYS ISOLATED, MY DISEASE JUST BECAME A MEME, WHY DO I HAVE IT??? JUST WHY?? IS THAT I DESERVE??? WHY I SHOULD I LOVE MYSELF WHILE EVERY FUCKING SECOND I'M WASTING AWAY??!"

I feel like all my friends are tired from me, and praying for me committing suicide

I'm afraid that I won't pass my exams... In 9 grade, I'll have exams, which will help me to go in 10 grade, but... I have serious issues with maths... I'm afraid that if I won't pass it, I'll go and commit suicide. Somewhere, deep, in my soul, I don't want die cuz of it. But I feel like I will and like I should.

But... Even if I'll commit suicide, people will just forget me, and I'll be just a random kid, that made grave for themselves. I... I have no idea what to do...

I wish, I could just die and don't suffer anymore, fuck my life

I don't wanna get help anymore.

I have no idea why, but everyone became so supportive out of blue... Literally, my parents started talking about that I need a psychologist, and that they'll bring me to them. My classmates let me vent out, and gave me support, but the problem is... I don't want help anymore. I already made my decision. But the worst thing is.... I relapsed. But, sometimes I think, what's happening with me? Why I feel like this and etc. But I just started to think that's just a phase, hormones or something... Even though I have it for 3 years, Lol

I understand everything. But y'know what? I'm still able-bodied despite being chronically ill. Yeah, I have some diseases and yeah sometimes they affect me. BUT. I'm not like this for the whole time. I'M NOT THE PERSON WHO DESERVES TO BE CALLED DISABLED. I'm sick, but able-bodied.

Okay, okay, I try to understand everything, but... why PE it's required? I know that sports it's important, and it helps being healthy, and etc, but why I should do sports when after run I feel nausea? Why can't I just do some exercises, and that's all? For example, I also have problems with hands (tremor, but for now I'm not diagnosed yet) and my tremor gets harder and harder when I do sports, and in the end I feel bad and humiliated. So why can't I just don't go on PE?