Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)
New chapter uploaded!
Shit is gonna get down!
thinking about that one au I made back in sept 2024 where mo’at adopts spider (part 1 here)
NOW I’m thinking of the sully kids’ roles here… been being torn between caring and play-insulting his friend or.. respecting his uncle????????? And TRUST Kiri is definitely abusing the uncle privileges now.
Jake: where the hell were you? You were gone for the entire day— kiri: I was out— Jake: since dawn?! Kiri: well, I was with uncle spider, you said to bring a trustworthy elder with you! Jake: I meant people like Norm! Or Max! Kiri: *blows raspberries whilst walking away*
SPIDER is using his “respect your elders/ uncle” card EVERYTIME on lo’ak whenever possible. He wouldn’t do that to tuk, though. Also finds it funny with neteyam confused on either calling him uncle spider or spider???
now that I think of it more.. more family gatherings of Mo’at, Spider, and Neytiri. Someone (I don’t remember and I can’t find their repost) said that it would be hard for neytiri to get used to it since now she’s the elder sister, and not the youngest baby.. and I think YES.
it’d be hard for neytiri to get used to it— maybe it even strains their already fragile relationship MORE but sometimes big sister instincts set in. At some point she starts… big sistering spider.
I’m imagining a family dinner with the sullies + Mo’at and spider where they all are eating together, and neytiri notices spiders smaller bowl.
Mo’at, having gotten used to the smaller portions the boy always took always accepted it since Sky people have notoriously smaller stomachs than them. Neytiri, who most of her time catering to her family and not spending as much as she used to with her mother and spider is … odded out.
spider had always eaten with them, not always ofcourse, just the average once in awhile. And it was only for a short time as he never overstayed his welcome and she never really cared to see how much he was really eating. But now? After months of family bonding days brought on by mo’at (which was always painfully awkward between spider and neytiri)? Yeah, that isn’t gonna slide. That’s too little.
she rips off a bit of the meat from her bowl and throws it into spiders.
Jake freezes, wondering if he accidentally sniffed some pandoran weed in the air or is actually seeing what he’s seeing. Spider also freezes but quickly goes back to eating after glancing up to an unbothered Neytiri too busy digging into her own food. Mo’at simply smiles from where she sits. The rest of the sully children just view it as an average dinner.
i hate when top wildlife predators are just lil babies teeny tiny babies
Poor Ttrong is holding back his friends from killing stupid metcayin teenagers😅
Seriously, the guy is the only voice of reason in this firestorm.
He's just like:
Oh, hell no guys!
And poor Oare hung face down on the ground.😆 Her little brother can be cruel, right?
funny how there were so many rumors about tumblr shutting down for good and yet it has watched some of the biggest social media platforms die
the fact there is no mention of the boys he was raised with for their entire life (so close to a decade, based off of how old they look, the eldest of the two seeming around 10ish) is crazy work
and now with him knowing the RDA is going to be attacked from all sides (even if rightfully so)? that they're stuck with their father who will endanger children to get what he wants? that they're alone without his protection? that they are stuck on a planet where they may become victims of war and Na'vi rage, and he's not there to keep them safe?
he has to worry. he has to wonder where they are.
My family has started calling my cat "the beast" which is very funny considering she's a 19yo arthritic old lady who needs help up and down the stairs. Not to mention she doesn't really meow any more, just sits and stares at you, and im the only one who can reliably guess what she wants, so my parents are constantly messaging me "The beast awakens... I know not what she desires 😥😥" i feel like the chosen prophet of an eldritch god
i really like looking at google image searches for “firemen rescuing cats” or something because you get super cute pictures like
AND THEN THERE’S THIS ONE
It's still Christmas for me, so Happy Christmas. My day was ruined but this was fun to write to raise my mood.
"tonowari and ronal adopt spider" this, "jake and neytiri learn to move past their trauma and See spider" that. enough! "ta'unui clan sees the little human boy who begged for their lives and decides to adopt him" when???? "ta'unui olo'eyktan/tsahik lets him cry on their shoulders" when???? "ta'unui olo'eyktan/tsahik sees him after a2 in awa'atlu and sees the way spider is very clearly not coping with his ptsd and immediately goes 'please come home with us. we will love you and we will take care of you.'" when?????