4th July

4th July

Page 25,26,27:

"It was quite a night, I have to admit. Only thing I can wrap my head around about this is, that I expected it. I knew it would happen, just didn't know it'll happen like this specifically. You were sleeping over last night, I was jittery all day before it because of the mare excitement it caused me, not because I was lonely in need of company, it's because you are truly something. You're confusing, you confuse me all the time, like a wall is all I can describe you as. You're expressive in your own way, I see that, you're in no way barricaded from your emotions, as it looks like, but yet I still feel it's something you tend to put up for the sake of others and not yourself. I knew I won't find anything if I look deeply into your eyes the way you like, or hear it in the tone of your voice, or see it in twich of your mouth, flap of your hands, tap of your leg and posture of your back. That's where that wall is, in front of your soul so no one can be genuinely let in. No one has ever saw you cry, not even Barnaby, so I thought, maybe I can make you crumble the wall one day and see what's inside. No one builds a wall around something that's nothing to hide. It sounds selfish and curious, I know that, but one can stay put for so long, you need to let even the strongest chain relax and let go of all the pressure it might be holding. So it doesn't snap, since it's not indestructible.

You came over with that relaxed smile you always own, nothing seemed wrong really, I had rather high expectation placed on my shoulders for that night, it was my secret little goal.

The night went nicely and you were happy with relaxing activities we took on, I got us everything to paint, bake and have a movie marathon. Classic thing you did with your friend on a sleepover, conveniently so it was things you found the most. I won't say that one thing lent to another, no, trough the whole night I could see the pure joy radiating from your body and words, but yet I caught you staring sometimes with your mouth agape before it closed, you were restricting yourself to talk. But you wanted to talk, you wanted to talk to me because you knew that I know, you thought that no one waited so long to find pieces of you before.

We were listening to music from my barely used gramophone, songs from the golden days of old. We talked with a cup of camomile tea with honey added in, to make us relax before, sleep? If we were gonna sleep, at the time I didn't know. It started to feel like i was failing, I wasn't upset at all really, it wasn't a deadlined project or a task, just a goal I thought would be beneficial for both. But with my giving up for that night, that's when you broke.

I noticed how your breathing fastened just a little and you thought over your sentences much more, you wanted to get 'the' theme on board. You asked me if I'm really here, and I was confused but didn't say no. You asked if I am willing to listen and I answered positively so.

I asked my classic 'what's wrong?', you said that it was something unusual, that something wrong was going on. You said something is not letting you feel like yourself and that you felt exhausted restraining it, hiding it away so no one can even guess that you're going through something. You looked numb and your eyes were on the floor, you said you are scared of what might happen to you in your own Home. You looked at me like you were looking at a bedroom wall, like I was nothing that can judge and am a place you can be venerable. Your smile didn't budge from your face until you decided to finally let it fall, the symbol of you masking all the sadness and exhaustion up.

You let the loudest sob that was enough for me to feel the pain it radiated in a physical form, you started to cry more as your walls brick by brick crumbled. I sat besides you as the it continued on, we forgot to turn the lights on from the movie we watched before, only sounds I heard was tv static, soft music and your loud sobbs. Eventually you scooted closer, letting me touch you as your cries didn't stop, I embraced you the closest I could in a way it's comfortable. Your body shook, the moment you were close your loud sobbs became screams, not of fear, nor agony, just pure intensity of your own emotions that you didn't allow yourself to feel. But when you did, you did it like it's the first and the last time you'll get to do such a thing. Because of it all I cried on my own, I didn't expect it to feel so painful.

You sleept in my bed last night, looked into my eyes and I realized how different your gaze feels now, your eyes red and bloodshot. They felt distant, sad and tired, you felt so open in that moment.

I don't know from where to go now that it happened, I just hope it didn't see. "

-Felix

Hello lovely people💕💕💕

So here's this little thing I might start doing where we're able to take a little look at Felix's journal where he talks about some happenings in his life or his feelings. They will be randomly put in and probably won't follow any sort of order (´。＿。｀)

I hope you like it thought!!!I put as much effort as I could with my limited time

Love you lovelies 💕💕💕