I Slept All Day Today. I Wish I Didn't Hate Myself So Much. I Really Have A Lot Of Self-hate. Forgiving

Thank you. Yes, I REALLY do need to affirm my new name. I still have to use my old name in real life. I need to keep reinforcing my new name by using it here, so that my new sense of identity is not extinguished. So I started an art therapy project to draw my new name in different ways.

I am too depressed to do anything, and my thoughts are troubled by paranoia. However, I feel more stable than I did yesterday. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and feeling bad does not make me a bad person.

∅ Hello, I'm Blue! ∅ I put the letters in different quadrants this time. I'm so clever!

I have a song in mind. Three singers, bass, baritone, and tenor, playing a guitar, a tambourine, and tapping sticks. I have to sing all three parts myself. If I don't write it down now, I'm going to forget it. I have imposter syndrome so bad. Or maybe it's learned helplessness. But I'll just do my best and then the result will tell us whether I'm an imposter or not.

You know, I really hate my community a lot. It felt good to cause a public nuisance by panhandling at an intersection for a couple of hours. I hope that I caused a lot of annoyance for a lot of people. I didn't make any money, but that's not the point. My relationship with my community is now one where I go around asking as many people as possible for money, to express my displeasure. I hope everyone who drove past me at that intersection gets a flat tire. Screw you, everybody in my hometown. Screw all of you and give me money!

I mowed the lawn today. Also, I guess I'm quitting nicotine today. So that's nice. I'll let you all know how that's going. I'm going to try to sleep off the nicotine withdrawal for a while.

Agender symbol, white on black, HD

Agender symbol, white on clear, HD (for printing)

∅ Hi, Blue here. ∅ I made an attempt at drawing something useful today. This is my version of the agender gender symbol. I like the use of the empty set sign from math to represent my agender identity. I wanted the image to print on a couple of t-shirts. So that's my image for today.

I don't feel like I have a particular gender, and that is totally valid!

Okay, maybe my community is more generous than I thought. I got 6 dollars in four hours of begging. That meets my fundraising goal for today. I just want to try to make 5 dollars a day to pay for my nicotine habit. I'm sorry I went off the rails there. I hate it when my anger takes over. The anger, I think, was a response to putting myself in a very phobic situation. Rejection hurts, but I should not wish others ill. Some days, the mental illness wins.

I am sorry that I have trouble finding interesting things to say. The words just are not there. I try to think of words and there is nothing. I had to forget about my past. I have no stories to tell. I feel like I have a blank or empty personality. I am still figuring out who I am. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and I am a new person.

I might be going crazy, but I think I'm going to try panhandling tomorrow. Doing gigs and odd jobs is too stressful for me. I'm not homeless, but I can't work and my disability aid is months away. I haven't done panhandling before, and I am rather terrified. But I am going to wear a face mask, a hat, and sunglasses, which will help with the feeling of embarrassment. Wish me luck.

I am addicted to the hatred of others in my community. Dear hometown, I drink your hatred of me like the finest craft root beer. I will never stop panhandling. I will never stop begging. Because your hatred makes me feel alive. All I am doing is asking for help. The more everyone in my community hates me, the more confident I am in my moral superiority. I don't care about your money, hometown. That is just a bonus. I want you to give me all of your disgusting, evil hatred for the poor, because I love it!