I Really Wanna Get On Medicine. Wanna Get A Diagnosis Incase I Have Something. But I Don't Have The Balls

My mom said, "Does anybody else in the world know it's your birthday?". And like yeah she didn't mean to upset me when she said that, it was rather a half sympathetic thinking out loud. But go damn that hit hard

Me flirting

I cant do this anymore, I just wish I could die. I will never be able to be happy in this body, I'll never be able to be something, never be able to be a normal functional person. My body is my biggest enemy, I'm my biggest enemy. And I wanna kill it, I wanna kill it so bad.

Multiple people mentioned that I've lost weight today hihi

It's so weird feeling that you have a lot of love to give, but feeling as if you have no one to give that specific love to. Yes I have loved ones that that love me, that I keep living for really. But it's no the same.

And at the same time my mind just yearns to have someone to obsess over.

I crave him so much. I don't know why. I've never talked him, but im 99% sure he is ur average boy, probs even a red piller, a 'natural' misogynist who won't even see me as a person since I am a woman he most likely won't be attracted to.

But my mind can't let go of him. My brain already hurts me so much, but this is just bullying. Making me feel so much for him. I yearn to just look at him. I barely even have the chance to see him, but I wish to properly look at him for even just 2 minutes.

And again, I feel like such a freak. A creepy stalker. I would not acc go as far as stalking him, but wanting just to look at him feels so awful.

I feel like i need a change of environment. I love my mother, I like my room, it's lovely, spacious but still comfy, I like playing games with my parents once in a while, watching movies with my dad on weekend nights whenever I have the mental energy (I wish I had it more of the time), I love my pets, I like walking in my area, even when I have an absolutely horrible person living in the same house the other aspects are still so lovely.

But whenever I get home from school im just miserable. And I feel like I become the worst version (atleast one of em lol) when I'm miserable in this place. I need out and even tho I don't wanna leave in any way, I feel trapped. And sadly, genuinely extremely unfortunately, killing myself isn't an option.

Living alone is a fantasy for sure. I would barely buy food since I don't want to waste money and I don't deserve nor need it, but I would take my treadmill and dumbells with me so I can exercise the thoughts of hunger away. I could also cut and cry without worrying about being caught, to try to cope with my constant feeling of misery.

Atp I have straight up food addiction. It makes me act completely unrational, makes me do things that I would never do elsewhere. And once I get it, it's never enough. Feels like I have no consciousness almost.

Having the thoughts again Ughhhhh. I just ate aswell

My brain is my biggest enemy. I'm randomly sitting in school, not even hungry and then out of a sudden BOOM!! An extremely strong urge to skip the rest of the school day to go and buy junk and then just spend my day eating. I can just feel common sense flowing out of my mind, but I must resist lol

The fact that I acc have to resist the thought about skipping school just go and buy food is wild, cause the school in question is a short, nice and actually useful.