Happy Birthday!!!! 🎊🎉🎂🥰

Is it ever your birthday if you don't have to fight tears constantly the night before and probably the day itself.

She didn't give me even a chance to ask sumn. Said right away it isn't gonna change. 5 euros an hour it is 😭😭

Tomorrow I'll have to go to the staff manager at my summer job and look over my contract. I should ask for more pay than last summer but idk how ughhh.

And then day after that I'll actually have ti go to work. In theory it's not that bad, but just the idea of it fills me with unlimited tread.

NOOOO!!! A GIRL IVE BECOME GOOD FRIENDS WITH OVER THE MONTHS JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS AN ED. NOW MY BRAIN WILL AUTOMATICALLY START SEEING HER AS COMPETITION, START HYPERANALYZING EVERYTHING I AND SHE DO AND SAY AND ITLL START TO SPITE HER FOR BEING SKINNIER THAN ME.

The fact that I can never have him. That I will never be even able to be loose acquaintances with him. It hurts so much. It's so unfair. I've never felt the need for someone like I feel the need for him.

I wish there was a way for me to get interact with him. For me to even talk to him once. I have so little knowledge, so little perception of him in actuality, but my mind keeps thinking about him. So it's always just craving more to think about.

I'm so sleepy, I feel like I'm sick. Moving my body is hard. But I still have to cut myself for eating before I go to sleep.

I'm so miserable all the time. Being alone, just in my room used to be my fun time, my comfort time, the time I lived for. But now I'm just miserable.

I'm less miserable in school then at after it ends. My days consist of wishing the current moment to end. But the near future is never any less horrible since im stuck in a circle of agony. And I can't get out.

This is supposed to be the best time of my life. But I feel like this, how tf is life gonna be like in the future. Worse obvs cause I haven't gotten better since I was like 11.

I wish my parents didn't love, wish I wasn't aware that me killing myself would destroy them. Wish I could just end me existence, at the end of the day that's what I want the most.

Accidentally hurting your pets is the worst, because you can't even tell them how absolutely sorry you are.

In the morning my coworker asked if everything is okay, because my face was sad. I didn't quite understand if between the lines she was also telling me I shouldn't look like that bcs how it would look to customers. But I tried to smile more.

And now my mom got angry at me out of no where bcs like she said, I always look like im dying, whatever happens I look like I'm dying. She also said that life wasn't so hard which I agree, my life isn't hard. She also ranted some more but yh.

I guess I'll have to train myself to smile all the time. Idk how to tho lol