Suns Out. Flowers Are Blooming. Birds Are Chirping. Yaoi Shit Is Happening To Me. Maybe It'll All Be

pretty odd my beloved

Go on, grab your hat and fetch a camera

Go on, film the world before it happens

I listened to pretty odd on repeat the other day while studying, woke up this morning to see panic had replaced LANA DEL REY as my second most streamed artist.

Pretty Odd and A fever are two of the most amazingly crafted pieces of art on this earth.

What is my deal

basically everything i’ve been feeling

Goatsong, Leila Chatti

God made me a trans man because he knew I’d be too powerful as a butch lesbian

I transitioned from a girl whose lips couldn't move fast enough. to a boy who the dance floor didn't love

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE

I have seen very few movies that are able to display grief so despairingly accurate, and as beautifully as Aftersun. And the most incredible part, is that all of the emotions and experiences the movie centers around remain unspoken, yet are blindingly prominent. After doing a google search or two, I discovered that Aftersun was based on the director, Charlotte Wells’ life, and that allowed me to see this movie in a different light; especially considering her father passed when she was sixteen, and I lost my father at fifteen.

While the movie never makes it explicitly clear what happens to Calum at the end, we can assume the vacation with Sofie was the last time she saw her father. Especially considering the ending, with the song “Under Pressure” playing in background while Sofie and Calum dance. I would also like to point out that towards the end of the dance, David Bowie’s part comes to an end with the lyrics, “this is our last dance” repeating while the scene fades out. While we don’t see anything explicitly sinister on screen, there are persistent undertones of dread and melancholy, as well as innocence and nostalgia.

This movie is nothing short of heartbreaking, yet it is also remarkably beautiful. The cinematography captures the world through the eyes of a child perfectly, and every single shot is so thought out and human. Because of how intimate the cinematography is, it feels like the audience is in Sofie’s memories as well. I love how this movie walks you through the dynamic of Sofie and Calum’s relationship not only emotionally, but visually as well. Despite Calum’s mistakes, his love for his daughter never needed to be questioned. Though, we can infer that Calum feels guilty for Sofie’s emotional turmoil. In the scene where Sofie is laying on the bed describing what sounds like symptoms of depression, she asks Calum if he feels the same way, the camera returns to the bathroom where we then see Calum spit in the mirror. That scene reminded me of my own father, and the subtle nod to Calum’s guilt was absolutely incredible. Not to mention both actors, Paul Mescal and Frankie Corio were nothing short of incredible. Their performance felt so incredibly real.

Aftersun felt like a dream in the best and worst ways possible. An unspoken longing for the past, and the persistent grief and depression that follows. This movie genuinely holds such a special place in my heart. Absolutely magnificent.

Did a tarot reading the other day and it basically said my love life is doomed. I know at the end of the day it’s just cards but there was this one part that hurt me so bad I haven’t stopped thinking about it. When I pulled for the far future it said that if I have a family it will be doomed and I will repeat the same patterns my parents did.

I don’t know why it’s stuck in my head. It’s such a silly thing to get emotional over. But what if I do want a family and I just end up hurting them? What if I build a life just for it to crumble because of my self destructive tendencies? I come from a long line of people who didn’t know how to love each other, why would I be any different?

I feel like there is absolutely nothing in store for me.

on the blr instead of locking in for finals

Riff with Patrick Greatest Hits PART 2 (Part 1 here) x x x x x x (some MORE of the best flirting banter from tourdust/2ourdust mwah mwah)