Deathtoyouandtoyours - Get Off My Blog

I feel like my brain is just broken beyond repair.

Nobody knows what wrong with it. All we know is that something is wrong.

Whatever it is is irreparable. All I can do is learn to live with it, but I don't want to. It's not fair.

Tw: Mentions of COCSA, Sexual harassment, groomers, and similar things

Cw: vent/rant

It's strange how things that you felt just a little weird about when it happened turn out to be more serious than you thought once you get older. I'm not nearly as scarred as some of the people who went through similar things, but it's weird... I always thought I was one of the few exceptions.

Majority of afabs have been through sexual harassment and/or assault at some point. not me though.. not until I actually thought about it from a sensible point of view.

I wasn't aware that my classmates mocking me the way that did could be sexual harassment, despite how explicit it was.

I didn't understand that the "game" I had been peer pressured into playing as a 6-8 year old could be considered assault. We were both kids and my clothes were never breached but that doesn't make it any less disgusting or distressing. He's in prison now for other things. He has to serve multiple sentences in various prisons, all for unrelated things, but his odd behavior didn't stop at me. It didn't stop when we were kids. He tried to hook up with a 13 year old. The three of us are cousins. The two of us were 18-19. I almost had an incident before him, but I wasn't at the age that I would be afraid of losing a friend, so I told on the kid before it happened.

I had multiple run-ins with groomers online, and the only things stopping me from getting sucked further in were a deep hatred of my body, fear of being a registered sex offender if I ever sent them pictures, and a general fear of the pictures being leaked or my parents finding out and beating my ass. Once they figured out I wouldn't give them what they wanted, they usually left.

Even before I understood pedophilia, my parents allegedly noticed various times when random men on the street would approach me or look at me with a hunger in their eyes or just generally act suspicious near me.

And even outside of harassment and assault, there was still sex in my life far before it needed to be. My parents shouldn't have left their porn in the DVD player when they sent us to watch a movie in their room. They shouldn't have put the porn right next to the normal DVDs. Their 2-3 year old shouldn't have been able to terrorize his older siblings by playing porn when we were supposed to be watching a silly little fish movie.

I hate how normalized some of these things are. We need better education about these subjects. No one likes having suppressed memories and trauma. No one likes having these things happen to them. No one likes not being able to articulate their feelings to speak out about it. No one likes finally being hit with the fact that they probably have some sexual trauma at 2 am in their 20s. It shouldn't be hard to go through life without some fucking freak tainting my brain.

I Might Have Fucking Autism wtf

It’s clear to anyone who spends enough time with me that I’m some flavor of neurodivergent. It’s been that way my whole life, but my mom is too prideful and used to flip her shit whenever someone even implied something like that. She says she doesn’t make defective kids. :/

Yes and now I have no work ethic and I work slow as hell :D

Gifted kid burnout? More like “you have undiagnosed adhd or autism (or both) and because you did well in school as a child no one knew there was anything going on and now school has become more challenging both content and structure-wise to the point where your normal methods for succeeding are no longer working and everyone around you just thinks you’re being lazy”

I got to hold a 500,000 year old hand axe at the museum today.

It's right-handed

I am right-handed

There are grooves for the thumb and knuckle to grip that fit my hand perfectly

I have calluses there from holding my stylus and pencils and the gardening tools.

There are sharper and blunter parts of the edge, for different types of cutting, as well as a point for piercing.

I know exactly how to use this to butcher a carcass.

A homo erectus made it

Some ancestor of mine, three species ago, made a tool that fits my hand perfectly, and that I still know how to use.

Who were you

A man? A woman? Did you even use those words?

Did you craft alone or were you with friends? Did you sing while you worked?

Did you find this stone yourself, or did you trade for it? Was it a gift?

Did you make it for yourself, or someone else, or does the distinction of personal property not really apply here?

Who were you?

What would you think today, seeing your descendant hold your tool and sob because it fits her hands as well?

What about your other descendant, the docent and caretaker of your tool, holding her hands under it the way you hold your hands under your baby's head when a stranger holds them.

Is it bizarre to you, that your most utilitarian object is now revered as holy?

Or has it always been divine?

Or is the divine in how I am watching videos on how to knap stone made by your other descendants, learning by example the way you did?

Tomorrow morning I am going to the local riverbed in search of the appropriate stones, and I will follow your example.

The first blood spilled on it will almost certainly be my own, as I learn the textures and rhythm of how it's done.

Did you have cuss words back then? Gods to blaspheme when the rock slips and you almost take your thumbnail off instead? Or did you just scream?

I'm not religious.

But if spilling my own blood to connect with a stranger who shared it isn't partaking in the divine

I don't know what is.

Spin it into webs and stick it on a cone. then you'll have

✨daddy's beard✨

cannot believe ya'll waited this long to tell me about the DADDY brand of french sugar

Haven't seen anyone mention the fact that sanrio is kinda racist... That's another reason to be "bitter"

do you guys ever feel like an outcast even in a group full of outcasts. like i'm autistic and even in groups full of neurodivergent people i'm still excluded sometimes. i don't understand why

I finished dungeon meshi and I just need to doodle the sillies being silly to cope

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s her mom’s fault.