As An Adult Still Living With Their Abusive Parent, I Often Find That Affirmations Meant To Empower Me

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM BISAN ON HER INSTAGRAM

Today in Khan Yunis! This might be our last call, we are dying! Gaza is completely collapsing! Everything in it collapses. There were dozens of raids and three hospitals were besieged in Khanyounis: Al-Amal Hospital affiliated with the Red Crescent, Al-Khair Private Hospital, and Nasser Medical Complex, the largest health institution in the Gaza Strip. People killed in the bombing were buried on front of our eyes in the hospital yard due to tanks blockading the streets, the wounded were on the ground without treatment and there was not enough medical staff! Massacres are still being committed On the 109th day of the war, Khan Yunis, the largest governorate in the Gaza Strip and the one that receives the most displaced people, is under bombardment, and the number of displaced people in Rafah is more than one and a half million people, in an area of 151 square kilometers!! We are facing hepatitis and intestinal diseases in the southern Gaza Strip, and starvation to death in the northern Gaza Strip! Yesterday, people in the northern Gaza Strip began grinding animal feed to get flour! Take to the streets, protest, strike.. make pressure on the decision makers by striking the economic movement! Call for a ceasefire!

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‎Bisan’8 - حكواتية‎ on Instagram: "Today in Khan Yunis! This might be our last call, we are dying! Gaza is completely collapsing! Everythin

505K likes, 8,739 comments - wizard_bisan1 on January 23, 2024: "Today in Khan Yunis! This might be our last call, we are dying! Gaza is com

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Things abusers do to sabotage you from leaving, or ‘Why you can’t just leave’:

Parental

convince you that you couldn’t survive without them and you wouldn’t be able to support yourself or make it out there alone

refuse to teach you survival skills, find excuses like 'you’re too clumsy, you’re not capable, you wont be able to do this’

convince you of 'catastrophic events’ that would take place if you were out there; homelessness, starvation, social rejection, failing at everything, financial struggles, kidnapping, murder

convince you that the world is a scary place and you’d be a failure and dead 'in the real world’

traumatize you to the point where you struggle to get thru the day, which now also makes it seem like you wouldn’t be able to make it on your own

talk you out of finding work, tell you about awful things that would happen to you if you went and found a job, try to make you to 'work for them’ or at least in the close area

if you find work, they claim a part or entirety of your income, making sure you don’t have escape money

regularly make you feel ashamed of not being able to be independant, and letting you know that only people who are able to be independant deserve to have freedom and place out in the real world

guilt-trip you to feel like you owe them caretaking because they raised you, so you’re owing them to stay and take care of them instead of living your own life

Emotional

complain about how 'everyone abandons them’ in order to make you feel like you’re just 'one of the bad ones who betrayed them’ if you think about leaving

every time you try to leave, they overwhelm you with a new incident, sickness or drama that makes it seem like you’re abandoning them in the middle of a tragedy

act overly attached to you, making sure you know that if you left, they wouldn’t know what to do without you, and they’d be heartbroken, but still they refuse to respect your boundaries

convince you that you’re “all they’ve got”, you’re special and unique to them, only you can understand and help them

love-bomb you until you’re attached and bonded to them to the point where leaving feels unimaginably painful because you’d be losing your closest person in the world

begging, pleading, acting like they gave you no reason to leave, promising to change, promising to do anything you’ve wanted to happen for a long time, making you feel like things are just about to get good and like they regret everything bad they’ve ever done

launching an attack on your persona, pointing out every time you did something 'bad’ and insisting that you’re actually the worst of the two, so you can’t blame them for anything

guilt trips; reminding you of everything they’ve done for you and how ungrateful you are, reminding you of all of the nice things you’ve said about them before, asking if it ever meant anything, accusing you of being heartless if you go, of never loving them, of mistreating them, accusing you of being toxic, deciding you’re hurting them on purpose if you leave

deciding you’re leaving because of their specific problem/situation/disability/illness that you’ve always been considerate and supportive about (another guilt trip)

say it’s “your fault they’ll never get better” with whatever you were helping them with

deciding you only want to leave because of your unhealthy trust issues or 'you push people away’ or 'misinterpret things because of your trauma’ and asking you to be honest with yourself

asking you to explain in detail why you feel the need to leave, only to attack your reasoning and explain it all away and minimize it to make it seem like you have no good reason for leaving

tell you that 'nobody will ever love you again’ if you leave

threaten to expose your most vulnerable secrets if you leave

threaten to hurt themselves if you leave

Psychological

gaslight you into doubting whether you’re abused, to the point where you feel like you’re exaggerating, going insane, remembering things wrong, and unsure if the problem is you or them

time an event of abuse specifically when you’re trying to work on something, or you’re immensely stressed and trying to meet a deadline, so you’d be too overwhelmed with fear/anger/grief, and can’t make your work in time

regularly having intense violent or dramatic reactions to your harmless behaviour, making you feel like you can’t predict what they’ll do if you leave or how that could end for you

support your codependency on them, or financially support your addiction, so you feel tied to them and have to go back to them in order to feel normal again

undermine and trash your work, imply or outright say your work is stupid, meaningless, badly done, and not worth doing, trying to discourage you from working

verbally assault you and criticize your work to the point where you start to feel anxious and upset whenever you’re working, making work a trauma trigger for you

punish you for 'lying to them’ if you fail to mention something, making it clear that you will get hurt every time you make any move they don’t like, which makes it even more scary to leave

threaten to make a suicide attempt if you leave

threaten to hurt you if you leave

threaten to report you and try to get you imprisoned for a real or imagined crime if you leave

threaten to have you admitted to a mental institution (or any other kind of institution) where you’ll be even more controlled

threatening your family members, loved ones, friends, and/or pets, saying horrid things they would do to them if you dared to disobey or leave

threaten to find you and drag you back and hurt you if you try to leave

say outright they’re going to kill you if you ever leave, or that they’d rather have you dead than gone

Social Isolation

create insecurities in your behaviour, repeatedly imply or claim you’re too loud, obnoxious, sensitive, crazy, stupid, clueless, demanding, nagging, until you’re worried that everyone is secretly judging you and the world feels against you

take apart your appearance until you feel too insecure and lose confidence in socializing or meeting new people, constantly feeling like you need to 'fix yourself’ first

demean and condemn your personality, appearance, social standing, finances, capabilities, to the point where they decide you can’t do any better than them and you should feel lucky anyone is tolerating you at all

inflict punishments on you for socializing or hanging out with new people; break your things, throw jealous tantrums, ask why they’re not enough for you, go thru your things, rage

violate your privacy and take away things you need in order for them to control when you’re allowed to have them

smear-campaign you; spread lies about what you were like to them so everyone sides with them, and blames you and tells you what to do (exactly what the abuser wants you to do)

turn your family members and friends against you, and make sure they’ll be unnaccepting of you and refuse to help you if you try to leave

Physical

Physically assaulting you if you do something they don’t want you to do, making it clear they’re going to hurt you for any attempt at leaving them as well

Physically assault you if you try, or say you’re going to leave

Inflict injuries on you that will prevent you from working/being independent

Stalking, making it known they can always find you and seek revenge if you dare to leave

Influencing other people to stalk you and let him know where you are and what you’re doing; making you feel like you’re always being watched and always surrendered by their influence

hurt themselves physically if you make an attempt, or even say that you’re leaving

attempt suicide if you make an attempt of leaving

attempt at murder if you try to leave

Financial

create and maintain a financial situation where they are the only one having income, and they’re able to control how much money you get to spend

withhold financial knowledge from you so you’d be clueless about their finances, and managing finances in general (you can’t get an idea of how much money it takes to get thru a month)

refuse to give you your right to keep your money separately from theirs

create financial trouble that you have to solve, taking up all of your savings in the process

take your money without asking, and the amount you’d never consent to, and they give you excuses and pretend it was 'necessary’

accuse you of 'spending irresponsibly’ as an excuse to confiscate or control the money you have on your person (or in your account)

throw a fit if they find out you have any money on you that they’re not aware of/have approved of (if you borrow or win or earn money that they didn’t give you)

make sure you’re overwhelmed with tasks and problems and emotional trauma, to the point where you don’t have a chance to get out and find a job, or go and look for resources for getting out of abuse

stand against you getting more education, or starting any new activities with people around you (making sure you don’t get any social connections that could lead to a job)

get you fired from a job by spreading lies or calling in and harassing the employer about you

forcing you to spend any money they know you have saved up, so you’d have no money to plan escape

It is NOT EASY to leave, and statistically it takes several attempts to leave an abusive situation. Be aware that it’s hard because they’re sabotaging your every step, not because you’re not doing enough. Abusers often wont show their abusive side until they’re absolutely sure that you have nowhere else to live, and no other place to go. All of the things on this list are psychologically damaging, and terrifying to live thru. All of this is abuse. Nobody has the right to tell you this is your fault. Keep trying. Keep fighting.

If you’re struggling to leave an abusive situation, here’s an article on How to Leave an Abuser.

I fucking knew it, I SAID it: they're making ADHD people the next culture war targets. They will 'just ask questions' until we lose every scrap of ground we've gained in the last decade and more. We may not quite inspire the same level of hatred as a sexual minority, but we can very easily be made to inspire disdain and that also works.

They will strip us of our accomodations and our medications and try to stifle any sense of shared identity, and if that kills some of us, oh well. So long as it fuels another outrage cycle, fine.

So many of the tropes they've been using on trans people work extremely well on ADHD people too! "There are too many of these people suddenly! It must be a fad! It spreads through friend groups! And online! People are going private for diagnoses and that's bad! They are using pOwERfUl medical interventions and we think it's freaky!"

I saw the first ripples of this in terf circles about two years ago. And of course it's spread.

6% of British ADHD people lost their jobs in the last year thanks to the meds shortage. SIX PER CENT! And that just made these ghouls go "ooh, tasty, what else can we do?"

Recently an 'expert' was on the BBC saying people see ADHD diagnosis as a "golden ticket." Laurence Fox has been ranting that the condition doesn't exist and threatening "'you won't poison my child's body [with ADHD meds] against my consent"

People need to be aware this is going to get worse. Maybe, if we're lucky, it won't get really bad. But it's going to get worse than it is now.

Let me put titles on my god-damned mobile posts. I will burn the Tumblr app to the ground

Autistic culture is randomly switching your conversation style mid sentence. Specifically going from the most eloquent person you’ve ever met to talking like the child of a hill billy and a british pop star.

Closet hiding?

Did any other neurodivergent kids hide in closets? Like when you were overwhelmed or maybe just to find a quiet spot to be alone and undisturbed? Maybe for no reason other than enjoying sitting in closets? Is that even a neurodivergent thing? I hope I’m not the only one who did this.

"oh you have an allergy? sorry I harassed you for being a picky eater, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a picky eater, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you have chronic pain? sorry I harassed you for being lazy, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a lazy person, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you're autistic? sorry I harassed you for being weird, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a weird person, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you're deaf? sorry I harassed you for ignoring me, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. you're just not actually a rude person, I still get to harass those people"

"man why does everything have to be a disorder now? I miss the old days when people would TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for being failures and it was socially exceptable for me to harass them, now I look like a jerk when I bully people for annoying me."

This. This perfectly describes what I've been experiencing lately. I have now clue why exactly it's happening.

I've looked into getting an autism diagnosis, but I'd have to keep my job, but my job is what's causing issues, but I need the job to get the- it's a cycle. And this isn't really new. It happened every year in school. I'd start off with a semi-decent amount of energy, but I'd usually run out of steam and be unable to get it back. Some year, I started with no steam and just struggled from the jump. I'd never have energy for chores or really anything. It's the same now. I have thought about crashing the car or doing other drastic things to avoid it. It sucks so much.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do as an alternative? The typical workplace isn't for me, so now what?

Why is it so fucking expensive to seek an adult autism diagnosis? I know there’s more going on with me than just my adhd. I’ve never seen anyone else with adhd that struggles quite to the extent that I am. I can’t seem to handle very basic, everyday things without getting overwhelmed. I burn out so easily to the point that my ability to function decreases even more.

For example, everyone has to work. Lots of people with adhd also manage to work, even if they end up job hopping a lot. Even when I had medication, it was like I still couldn’t handle the stress. I would have a whole breakdown every day before work, literally thinking about harming myself or wrecking my car intentionally to avoid having to be there, feeling this crushing dread, anger, exhaustion, the negative thought spirals throughout the day, getting off or ending the week and not even being able to relax or enjoy yourself because the knowledge that you have to go back so soon is looming over you. Not being able to sleep because of the crushing dread of knowing you have to wake up and get back on that metaphorical treadmill, having nightmares about it when you do sleep.

Obviously the easy answer would be to simply get a different job, but the thing is that this has been every job I’ve ever had…and I’ve had a LOT of them. It isn’t just the work, though that feeling of not doing something that feels meaningful is definitely soul-crushing, but no, instead it’s the stress of pushing past a severe level of executive function until I no longer can and I begin to make mistake after mistake. It’s the draining exhaustion of seeing the same people and being forced into the same small talk. It’s not having any energy left to clean my house, cook, have a life, or pursue my special interests/hyperfixations. It’s feeling trapped in a schedule that doesn’t work with my needs or energy levels and eventually turns me into a shell of my former self. It’s knowing that each time I get fired and have that time to recover before being forced to re-enter the world that I never fully get back to what I once was. I lose a piece of myself and my ability to function lessens each time.

It’s frustrating because it’s like if I could just manage to work and keep working full time long enough, I could get insurance and get assessed, because I know deep down I’m on the spectrum…but I’ve gotten fired before that happens each time. It’s like I’m trapped in this cycle of not functioning well without support but not having the resources to seek a diagnosis so that I can get support. I feel like the system has failed me and like I’ve slipped through the cracks. It’s hard to have much hope because everyone always tells people that you have to help yourself or change what you don’t like, but it’s like I’m literally unable to get to the point where I can even do that.