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Dungeon Meshi - Izutsumi bedtime notes

People aren't joking when they say progress isn't linear... I hate it here

Oh I don't like how my parents are treating me... But I guess it's normal. I'll try to be better :)

Hm. Being better didn't work. Maybe I'll try again. :)

Okay maybe I'm just having some trouble. They could be nicer about it though

Okay. They're definitely mistreating me. Someone help?

Hm. Maybe I should run away. Maybe if they find out how much they're hiring me, they'll stop.

They know... They don't care. I wish someone would come and save me.

Maybe if I tell them again, they'll care this time and change?

They still don't care. I'll leave at 18. I can make it.

Not sure if I can make it that long, but at least it's not as bad as it was before.

Maybe I was just overreacting and it's not that bad. It could've been way worse

It was pretty bad. Once I move out, I'm cutting them off.

But I can't abandon them.... They're my family...

But I wouldn't let my friends be treated that way. I should stick to the plan

The plan didn't work, but I still plan to cut contact.

But I've been a burden for a while. The least I could do is repay them and stick around. It doesn't matter if I'd let my friends do it. They're not as awful as me

They're back at it.... I'm leaving... When I finally get the money

Oh so you're just going to use them until you get on your feet and then abandon them????

I'm sorry that things are very hard for you, its very hard being neurodivergent and having to work jobs. I hope you are a bit easier on yourself, its okay to mess up. I think you're cool and I understand being trapped in such situation. I can't help or do anything about your situation but I wish you have some good time or free time for yourself sometime soon

Hi and thank you. I'm trying to be a little easier on myself, but it's kind of hard when you feel like a failure. On top of being abysmally inept in terms of anything social, I have the problem of being a young adult and steadily falling behind my peers. Every job I can get without a degree is terrible, especially where I live. The main problem is that I need one of these jobs to go to college and get a better one. I would kill to be able to do what I love for a living instead, but the way the world is going, it seems like I might just have to keep suffering. Maybe one day, I'll get to where I hope to be. I just hate to mess up, partially because of how I was raised. Nothing ever seemed to be quite enough. That, and anxiety, depressive tendencies, embarrassment, etc. Every little failure and setback will shatter me like an expensive vase, and it takes forever for me to gather all the peices and put them back together. That's another reason I can't go too easy on myself. It takes so long to recover. Maybe I'll get stronger though. Maybe one day I'll learn to be more resilient and life will be better.

All in all, things like this ask tend to give me a little more hope, no matter how small it is. Again, thank you for your kind words. I wish nothing but the best for you as well. I hope your life is good, fulfilling, warm, comfortable, and prosperous.

One time in grade 11 band class I let a girl go through my iPod and she started laughing and I was like "What's funny" and she read out loud, "Papa Roach, Breaking Benjamin, MCR, Get Scared, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails... and then fuckign Pussycat Dolls?!"

And I'm never gonna forget that

ressource thread !!

This. This perfectly describes what I've been experiencing lately. I have now clue why exactly it's happening.

I've looked into getting an autism diagnosis, but I'd have to keep my job, but my job is what's causing issues, but I need the job to get the- it's a cycle. And this isn't really new. It happened every year in school. I'd start off with a semi-decent amount of energy, but I'd usually run out of steam and be unable to get it back. Some year, I started with no steam and just struggled from the jump. I'd never have energy for chores or really anything. It's the same now. I have thought about crashing the car or doing other drastic things to avoid it. It sucks so much.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do as an alternative? The typical workplace isn't for me, so now what?

Why is it so fucking expensive to seek an adult autism diagnosis? I know there’s more going on with me than just my adhd. I’ve never seen anyone else with adhd that struggles quite to the extent that I am. I can’t seem to handle very basic, everyday things without getting overwhelmed. I burn out so easily to the point that my ability to function decreases even more.

For example, everyone has to work. Lots of people with adhd also manage to work, even if they end up job hopping a lot. Even when I had medication, it was like I still couldn’t handle the stress. I would have a whole breakdown every day before work, literally thinking about harming myself or wrecking my car intentionally to avoid having to be there, feeling this crushing dread, anger, exhaustion, the negative thought spirals throughout the day, getting off or ending the week and not even being able to relax or enjoy yourself because the knowledge that you have to go back so soon is looming over you. Not being able to sleep because of the crushing dread of knowing you have to wake up and get back on that metaphorical treadmill, having nightmares about it when you do sleep.

Obviously the easy answer would be to simply get a different job, but the thing is that this has been every job I’ve ever had…and I’ve had a LOT of them. It isn’t just the work, though that feeling of not doing something that feels meaningful is definitely soul-crushing, but no, instead it’s the stress of pushing past a severe level of executive function until I no longer can and I begin to make mistake after mistake. It’s the draining exhaustion of seeing the same people and being forced into the same small talk. It’s not having any energy left to clean my house, cook, have a life, or pursue my special interests/hyperfixations. It’s feeling trapped in a schedule that doesn’t work with my needs or energy levels and eventually turns me into a shell of my former self. It’s knowing that each time I get fired and have that time to recover before being forced to re-enter the world that I never fully get back to what I once was. I lose a piece of myself and my ability to function lessens each time.

It’s frustrating because it’s like if I could just manage to work and keep working full time long enough, I could get insurance and get assessed, because I know deep down I’m on the spectrum…but I’ve gotten fired before that happens each time. It’s like I’m trapped in this cycle of not functioning well without support but not having the resources to seek a diagnosis so that I can get support. I feel like the system has failed me and like I’ve slipped through the cracks. It’s hard to have much hope because everyone always tells people that you have to help yourself or change what you don’t like, but it’s like I’m literally unable to get to the point where I can even do that.

Why is it so hard to function as an adult?

I literally just want to be able to have some money and enjoy my life, but no. My job is too hard for me, and I'm bending over backwards to find a better one.

The problem comes in with why my job is too hard. Not only is it a very physically demanding job (I am not in shape, or used to doing a lot of physical labor), it also requires speed AND accuracy. I have trouble with both of those things, and it sucks.

I want to find another job, but most jobs have the same requirements, or require a degree, which I don't have. Those swedish artists need to hurry up with their "clock in at the train station and get paid to do whatever you want all day" project. Until then, I just want to be able to work as an artist. My drawing tablet comes in Friday, but I don't have time to do commissions or improve my art enough to even ask for a decent amount of money for commissions.

Do you ever feel bad for being alive but then regret it the next second because how could I ever be so ungrateful, to forget that my circumstances pale in comparisons to so many others.

Privileged in every way of the world and yet unhappy, it is a ridiculous paradox,

And I understand the looks of disgust, the scorn for my feeling this way when I have had a decent enough existence,

But how do I fill this ache,

What could I possibly say to close up this gaping hole inside of me that never let's me forget,

I would like to know,

How do I stop feeling so

When the world doesn't think I have reason to feel it at all.

Abusive parents will program you so extensively, that when you’re asked:

‘What have your parents done to you?’

the only thing you know how to answer is:

‘They gave me the roof over my head and clothed me and fed me.’

Because that’s whats repeated to you almost every day of your life to be grateful for, you don’t have the words to describe the devastating abuse and hatred, because they don’t want you to have the words for it. All they teach you to say is ‘I’m grateful and it could have been so much worse’.

That’s how nobody can ever find out about the abuse. They make sure the children won’t know how to answer even if asked.