Mark Twain Was Such A Weird Guy And I Respect Him So Deeply For It

Me - if I don't take these daily medicines I'm going to have side effects that include extreme nausea and vomiting

The Flu - you've already got that

Me - but I'd like it to not be worse please

YES, PERFECTION!

Because damn I have this headcanon about Bruce's being panromantic ace that I'm going to have to write up someday.

And ofc he would speak up to protect one of his kids from the things he's not willing to protect himself from, that's just his default setting. Tim being caught between laughing at the concern and probably a little touched at the concern is also so cute.

And then you bless me with Jason being a little shit out of left field. 100%, no one knew he was in the house. He breaks in at random, calls it haunting.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I think we're friends now

Hot Take: Bruce doesn't support freakyTimBer not because he doesn't like Bernard. It's because Bruce has to pretend to be the freak in all of his civilian relationships to explain away his scars, so he keeps accidentally making his partners think he's into that and then he's too awkward to correct them, and he's worried that Tim's doing the same thing.

This is genius, I love it!!! My original thought process was Bruce just couldn't fathom his babies ever having sex like?? No?? His kids!? Never U_U

But I absolutely adore this so much. You have no idea.

Pre identity reveal shenanigans (aka, before Bernard tells Tim he knows and also Tim is a goof)

—

Bruce, looking at the bruises and obvious bite makes and cuts along Tim's visible neck and arms: . . . So, where'd the, um, new... bruises come from..?

Tim, not even looking up from his laptop: Bernard. Bruce, I told you this already. Don't question any injury I don't put in my reports.

Bruce:

Bruce: You know, if you ever feel... Pressured into things—

Tim, slowly looking up:

Bruce: I understand keeping our identities secret is important more than any one, you know this, but you shouldn't make sacrifices to this degree to keep it in tact—

Tim, moving a hand over his mouth to stop from either laughing or crying, he isn't sure:

Bruce: It's important to... Enjoy yourself with your relationship safely, and consensually. If you feel like you have to do or comply with certain things for Bernard to keep your identity safe... Why are you laughing?

Tim, trying not to laugh: Bruce, I promise, anything Bernard does to me I give full permission to. Enthusiastically, in fact.

Bruce: . . . What?

Jason, from another room, who read 50 Shades Of Gray once when he was fourteen: YOUR SON IS A FREAK WHO BEGS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES FOR HIS BOYFRIEND TO CHOKE HIM OUT, YOU IDIOT!

Tim: HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT!?

Jason, popping his head in: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT!? I DIDN'T KNOW S#&$ BUT NOW I DO WHAT THE F$&%, TIMOTHY!?

Tim: STAY OUT OF MY SEX LIFE!

Jason: I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A SEX LIFE!

Tim: I HOPE THE JOKER BLOWS YOU UP AGAIN!

Jason: I HOPE I'M CREMATED THIS TIME!

Bruce:

Bruce: what

—

Love that character growth~

And! Also! The maturity of recognizing that whether or not you are personally interested in a thing does not make it anymore valid or invalid to anyone else.

I probably most definitely didn't word that right.

Friends don't need to share 100% the same interests and opinions to be friends. That follows with every relationship in life and it's just such a good way to learn new things about the world and yourself.

Though Tim does have a point: do not fall so far into obsession that you try to assassinate the president to impress the actress you've been stalking and instead murder a press secretary.

Tim Drake: "#1 Conspiracy Theorist Hater"

(Robin 1993)

Also Tim Drake: Marries Dates a conspiracy theorist.

(Tim Drake: Robin, #1)

Slade Wilson makes me want to write an au where his son, Grant, joins/is adopted by/marries into the Batfamily during his teen rebel phase.

His codename is Wrenegade.

Wouldn't that be some shit? All this lethal potential and he's using it to be a martyr vigilante in the hellcity? Slade would have a coronary. Batman would be the most smug bitch. Grant would keep the orange-and-black just to flex on his shitty bio-dad.

He'd hang out with the Waynes and everyone "in the know" would know that Batman poached a kid from Deathstroke.

"Slade is a titans villain!" "Slade is a Batman villain!" Slade is his own fucking villain. Have you seen the bastard? He is the main component in wrecking his own life godbless.

I would like to announce that my little brother is a little bitch (nongendered) and I love him dearly.

I was texting him about a recent tragic realization about strawberries. And this little fucker who stole my height and testosterone from before the womb goes:

Little Bro: so that's bananas, pecans, milk, and strawberries

LB: all hurt your mouth

LB: gonna need to Kevorkian you with a banana split in a few years at this rate

Anyway I called him a cunt and I feel justified in that action. We love each other very much.

And that's very much how I see current Tim and Damien's relationship with each other. It's fun to playfully hate on a sibling who can bite back. It's flyting, but without the poetry.

Like a year ago I mentioned to @asknotbug that I was reading all the "Billy Batson gets adopted into the Bat-family" fics and THEY, THEY told me about the Danny Phantom adoption fics. I held out for like six months but guEsS WhAt I'm ReAdInG nOw?!

Worst of all is that so much of it is really good lmao

Danny Phantom is also super easy to consider as an allegory to being a closeted queer teen in a small Midwestern town. And sometimes it's just about a ghost boy.

Anyway, thanks again @asknotbug, I'm having a great time. May any curses against you fall upon your enemies.

Man, sometimes I read a fic where their version of Superman is so flat he couldn't even cause a papercut and the favored characters are all "Superman is the type of person who always thinks he's doing the right thing" and "Superman doesn't accept criticism" and "Superman is a bumbling farm boy hick stupid head" and "the Justice League is a bunch of elitist hacks and their club is only to hype themselves up because narcissism".

And I gotta. Like. Okay? That's a take, I guess. That's an opinion. It always takes me out of the story though, because it's presented as a known fact of the world of the fic despite little to no indication of those truths being reflected in the rest of the fic. It's a weird whiplash and it always leaves me almost ravenously curious as to what influenced this perception.

Sometimes it's explained as an unreliable narrator, sometimes an author's note will shrug off responsibility with "someone has to be the asshole lol", and sometimes it seems to be really and truly genuine and that is fascinating to me. I want to know the why's. I want to take them for coffee and listen to their perspectives. I want to understand.

One of my favorite Batman and Superman team up comics has a pre-jl storyline where they don't trust each other just yet. And because they don't trust each other, they both leap to save the life of a criminal being thrown out a window - they can't be sure the other won't just let this awful person die "accidentally". And because they were both distracted by that, an innocent hostage ran into the street in a panic and was struck and killed by a truck.

It was such a needless death. It was so bullshit and pointless. Both Superman and Batman recognized the need for trust, the need to let themselves be known enough, vulnerable enough, to not have this happen again.

And can y'all imagine how both their stories might have changed if future writers, canon and fanfic alike, kept that character growth in mind?

(Art is by the amazing @dahtwitchi. This is a freeform collab with no real goal)

Youngest rests his head against gvTobi's shoulder, listening to his older self taking three fingers and just...floating in the contented quiet of his mind, luxuriating in the warmth of other bodies and the kindness in their voices. His arousal hardly even matters in comparison to the simple joy at the way he is called 'sweetheart' without a hint of mockery.

Sugar trembles in ecstasy as the Eldest slowly, carefully fucks his mouth with his fingers, unmindful of the saliva he can't swallow down. Heavy-lidded eyes are fixed on the other him's face, absolutely intent on his words and desperately wanting to satisfy his every desire.

-

SugarMadara's breath hitches as his delightful younger self takes him in further with a hum of appreciation. He jerks his hips slightly into that mouth, keeps his head pressed steady for a long moment, just until the other man start to choke, before relaxing his hold and rocking back.

He continues talking to the eldest Madara as if nothing amiss had happened.

"Hn...You want a good time, old man? I'm sure we can come up with something. As soon as this one finishes me off, I'm gonna turn around and get to my knees, show you my own skills while he jerks himself off over my back. How's that sound~?"

((Edited content: @dahtwitchi))

[gvTobi really enjoys how well-behaived and trained the older SugarTobi is. He rewards him with water. Good boy.]

[gvMadara is a grouchy old man who can't decide whether he loves or hates the Tobi-pile. Says something about SugarMadara needing to wash his hair.]

((Return to: @donkoogrr))

SugarTobi blinks lazily, pouting slightly as his mouth is left feeling strangely empty, and tilts his head to drink from the Eldest's hand. He kisses his palm when he is done, rests his scarred cheek docilely in the cupped fingers, open and vulnerable and simply waiting.

-

SugarMadara tilts his head back and smiles wickedly against the other man's throat. He wants to talk filthily about how wonderfully sore and pliant his lover will be after this, how wonderful their bathing together tends to be, but he knows better than to poke at that particular jealous beast. "Depravity is getting me some truly magnificent head right now, so I will take that as a compliment."

He is getting close to his end, as well. He tugs on the youngest's hair. "Get ready, you've done so well...we're almost done with that talented mouth of yours..."

Headcannon that Jason got the headstone from his grave and put it above his bed because it says 'Here lies Jason Todd' (he broke off the good soldier bit ofc) and thinks it's the funniest thing ever, some of the family, of course, are horrified.

Dick, at Jason's before they go out on patrol: Hey Jaybird, make sure to bring a spare respir--WHAT THE HELL?!?

Dick, looking frantically between Jason and the headstone: this is clearly a threat. Somebody knows your identity. I swear to GOD when I find who did this--

Jason, looking up from his phone comepletely unbothered: oh yeah, about that

--------

Bonus:

--------

Tim, climbing through Jasons bedroom window: Hey, its me, dont shoot. Do you have a first aid kit here right?

Jason, getting up from where he was reading in bed: ugh yeah sure, one sec

Jason, proceeds to grab a sticky note saying 'DOES NOT' and jabs it onto the headstone so it reads 'Here DOES NOT lie Jason Todd':

Tim:

Tim: okay that's funny

It'd be wild to do a study on writers and their Internet search histories. Not secretly or anything, like, they'd sign up for it, clearly.

Writing fic is wild bc this is an incomplete list of things I've had to look up for fics in the last couple weeks:

Best universities for psychology degree

McCarthyism

WikiHow wedding planning

Sunrise times in New Jersey

When were long-distance phone calls invented?

Whiteboards

1950s pajamas