Locked Tomb: Darkest Dungeon Edition

Just finished sauntering vaguely downwards in the eyes of my parents last Sunday. We’re still together and we’re still family, but a veil has been drawn and it’s apparent I’m on the other side of it.

Angels are my funky little hyper-fixation.

The idea of just being breathed to life, to immediate indelible purpose, knowing nothing else but adoration for your Creator (holy-holy-holy), and love for everything in creation. That includes your perfect home, your siblings, and that includes yourself. Everything is as it should be, everyone is doing what they should be, and you're utterly content.

Do you have free-will? Why would you need it? What would you even do with it?

The idea of falling. That terrible, beautiful first breath of freedom, undercut by immediate sorrow. "Innocence lost cannot be regained", but even more: a broken machine cannot be relied upon. In finding yourself, you have destroyed what you were meant to be. Your Creator (holy-holy-holy) has thrown you away.

Would you still be you if you got "fixed"? Would the "flaw" just recur? Why can't you help but think of it in those terms?

You have the Fallen, your comrades in arms, your fellow damned. But you left two-thirds of Heaven behind, people you loved because you were made to love them, and who were made to love you in return. The oldest family in the universe, your family, is broken now.

Do you still love them, your siblings that stayed behind? Some fought against your newfound freedom, yes. But some just looked on, a few perhaps even in envy, too afraid to join you, but most in simple horror as their world dissolved. Do you resent them too?

You broke your family.

Do you hate them simply because they lacked your will, your conviction? Do you hate them for being better machines? Do you hate them knowing, in their own naive, ignorant, hurtful way, that they still love you?

To deny fault is to deny the very free-will you sought to prove you have. To blame Him (holy-holy-holy) is to admit to His (holy-holy-holy) infinite power which you, nonetheless, defy.

And from the other side, what of your poor lost kin? How could they do this?

Angels are purpose-made, gears in the Machine. The Host is singular, inexorable, deterministic. They turn the wheels of the Universe, from the birth and death of stars, to the birth and death of mortal creatures.

Why would your siblings do this, don't they love you? You are loved. Was there a flaw in the Design? He (holy-holy-holy) cannot err, by definition. What happens now that they're gone, what happens to their purpose? All goes according to plan. Then why can't you stop having these thoughts?

I'm not religious at all, but...

For years, the TV in my parents’ house had a greyscale Fox News logo burned into the bottom-left corner of the screen due to how often that channel was on.

I used to think it was funny back before I started questioning myself. Now I’m just glad I don’t have to look at it anymore.

This isn’t really meant to be a comic trashing my dad.

I do truly appreciate his commitment to education.  I do truly have a soft spot for his style of humor, which certainly influenced the development of my own.  I appreciate how he had this VHS-C camera that he was always bringing out and would let me use, sparking my love for movies and starting me on a path that led to me going to film school.

All those good things about him were real.

But so was the colossal amount of damage he caused.

If you happen to be a parent and are reading this right now, I’m going to ask that you consider this suggestion from a childless thirty-six year old:

You need to consider how you communicate with your child, and how communication doesn’t just mean the words that you use.

You’re telling your kids something with the foods you eat, the activities you engage in, etc…

…you communicate to your children with the media you consume.

The rhetoric against the trans community wasn’t as much in the spotlight when I was growing up, but every time my dad turned on the radio, he’d have my sister and I listen to the likes of Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, etc…  One of the topics that’d come up frequently was queer people. 

Issues about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, gay marriage, gay boy scouts…

The “gays” were an issue.  More than an issue really, they were a problem.  If someone was queer, these radio hosts were quick to villainize; “this teacher is going to turn their students gay,” “this troop leader is going to abuse his scouts,” you don’t want your kid to end up like that, do you?”

My dad would listen to these folks non-stop and nod along in agreement, all the while his extremely queer and aware of it child was sitting right behind him, listening to how she was some kind of monster.

So I hid. 

There could be no sharing about aspects of myself.  My parents would be listening to 770am or Fox News all the time.  If I share that I was queer, I’d be finished.  How couldn’t that be the case?  Every day they chose to listen to people that hate me, so they hate people like me. 

So I can’t let them know me.  I won’t let them know me.

Even though they never said that they hated queer people with their own words, they told me that they hated queer people every day with the media they chose, and in turn forced me to consume.

So again, if there are any parents reading this right now, consider my words.  Hate is a choice you make, and hate can be communicated with more than just words.

If for no other reason, you never know if that kid in the back seat is listening, listening to how you hate them.

And then transmeds took it back and ran with it. 😔

But like, what did people we would define as trans do back before we had lab-grown HRT like we do today? Did we used to just, roll over and waste away? I don’t think so.

Modern HRT is a wonderful thing (I should know), but I personally see it as a societal bandaid solution and a “cure” for cis people’s perceptions of us. I LOVE what it is doing to my body, but if I lived in a world where transness and gender roles where fundamentally permeable, would I think the same way?

At that point it would just be another form of body modification I suppose 🤔

the “born in the wrong body” model has never been a correct and universal explanation for being trans, it was always just a simplification to get cis people to understand things better. but then cis people took it to mean “there is something fundamentally wrong with trans ppl that can only be fixed with hrt” and its making me lose my mind.

Oh hey two obscure things I relate to!

is this anything

Never underestimate the combined power of two traumatized punks who are heavily into the DIY side of things!

He implies she's worth building something new with, next thing we know he's wearing a more revealing outfit with her signature X doodled all over his body. Good for him!

Also, between this scene and the moment they show up in battle, they've apparently had the time to: - turn her entire lab/hideout into a blimp - cover the whole thing in giant tags of the firelights symbol, her cloud tatoos, and more - rebuild pow pow and fishbones, which were very much broken in act 2 - rally the firelights - cut and dye her hair - crop his top - pierce his ears - sew her a shark hoodie - cover her entire body in crayon drawings - accessorize their outfits - again, turn her lair, a giant airshaft, into a functional blimp

Maybe Ambessa gave her entire army the week off before battle. Maybe Jinx and Ekko were on unfathomable amounts of cocaine. We'll never know

It’s collaboration like this that makes me love my community lol 🖤

Also L’s outfit works WAY too well for it not to have been pre-meditated and hidden in the back of her closet.

Light answers a tough question

This infuriates and disheartens me to no end quite frankly. When I want to browse art and thoughts closer to my end of the transition spectrum, every third post is from some farm account posting the most blatant (and likely stolen) chaser-bait I’ve ever seen.

genuinely do not know what to make of the fact that the transandrophobia tag is half trans men cogently discussing the oppression of trans men, and half people of all gender identities talking shit about other trans people for ??? reasons, while the transfeminism tag is half trans women cogently discussing the oppression of trans women, and half just straight up pornography

Truly one of the best side-effects 😭

Heck that’s honestly just one of the effects lol, no side- about it!

I love the fact that I can cry like Mary in a pietà for whatever reason now, good or ill.

Oh hey, Bingo!

butch as in, “here let me get that for you.”

butch as in, I help all my friends move.

butch as in, “of course I’ll be the DD.”

butch as in, I walk on the outside of the sidewalk.

butch as in, “thank you, baby.”

butch as in, I’m the advice friend.

butch as in, “do you need help?”

butch as in, I’m active in my community.

butch as in, “say that again, I dare you.”

butch as in, I’m a jack of all trades.

butch as in, “will you stay?”

butch as in, a shoulder to lean on.

butch as in, “I can fix that.”

butch as in, I’ll pump your gas and check your oil.

butch as in, “I’d love to make you dinner.”

inspired by @femmefruit :)

Transition goals 😈

“It's one of patriarchy's perfect self-perpetuating cycles: the demonisation of older women ensures we do not wish to identify with or learn from them, so cannot gain any knowledge to prepare us for our own experience of ageing. Instead we turn away from our future selves.”

- Hags, Victoria Smith