Anger
Anger
I had a breakdown again earlier today.
Like something hot and red and ugly and just so much hatred with no target to shoot it on. For some reason I thought is this how Jason Todd had felt? Or maybe is this how Bruce Wayne felt once he grew up and realized how on earth does people like Joe Chill can get away with so little and he in that one night, lost everything he knew?
With so much hatred and anger and just this huge hole in your heart that felt more like it was ripped away from you rather than just being taken? Is this how being angry at the world feels like? Angry at everything that has happened? Is this how craving for vengeance feels like?
I remember being told that revenge has a smell and it is sweet, and almost dizzying like an aphrodisiac.
I remember clutching the front of my shirt and felt how stuck my scream felt in my throat and I can’t just scream it out with my brother across the hallway and my sister downstairs.
I can’t do this, I can’t keep this in, I can’t keep on doing this.
I remember a time we were told that the whole family has anger issues.
Dad is a bomb, ticking and ticking with the time always border lining on 0 every time he tries to pushes us too far to the edge and he seems eager for us to push him back in retaliation.
Mom keeps it in until something bad & ugly & stupid & disrespectful happens from us, and there comes the screams and the glares and the disappointment.
My brother’s anger is physical, he hits you and pulls in some punches just to make you hurt the same way he does.
My sister’s anger is physical as well, but in the way it’s childish because still, she is still a child.
More often than not, her anger pushes dad’s clock to 0 as well and that will sometimes reign in Mom’s disappointment and if it isn’t her pushing it to explode, it will be my brother’s idea of rebellious retaliation.
And I’ll stand there.
Just a soldier, standing still in the minefield as the shots keep flying and the bombs kept giving way.
Silence become my defense as it was never really my weapon.
And growing up with the understanding how much power and destruction a bomb can hold, well I know how dangerous a wrath’s path can be.
So, I reign it in. So, I push every single pure, pure anger that threatens to boil to the surface.
My grief sometimes overcome my anger I think, enough so that I forgot that I can be angry sometimes.
My anger, I think, is physical as well.
My anger, I think, is the opposite of who I fights to become.
My anger, I think, is not a bomb, or a silent glare or a bursting scream.
My anger creeps in, my knuckles throb with every poison that rushes through my vein.
I don’t get angry, I don’t, I won’t, I never.
I don’t get angry because if I do, I don’t know how I’ll face the aftermath of it.
I can feel it, when it pulses, when it tries to fight through the restraints. I can feel it when my veins are filled with adrenaline and the want, the need to just, hurt. I can feel it and I know it’s there ‘because I can feel my eyes harden, I can feel my legs muscle constrict with the will to run towards the anger itself, I can feel my grip tightens around on itself ‘because I want to hit and punch and injure and hurt, hurt, hurt.
And I buries it in.
I learn to let out the insults because it soothes the fire but if you’ve been trapping the flames in an oxygen cavity and keep adding to it without ever giving it a chance to see the light of day, a verbal fight does little to calm it.
I learn that after letting out the insults, to give it time, time to turn it into guilt and grief instead.
Dr K thinks that what I’m doing might as well be the equivalent of driving a brake-less car down the hill only to run into an explosion then crashes down into the ocean with nowhere to escape out of the car.
Like letting in the adrenaline rushes through you only to trap everything in and let it consumes you.
I’ve told her that the analogy was exaggerative, I think.
I’ve crashed at the moment now.
I think it’s ironic that I used the rain and the sound of the crashing waves to calm me down.
I hate being angry.
I hate it because it isn’t me but it proves that it’s a primal instinct of mine when I didn’t bother with my mask.
All of us have masks.
I’ve seen Dad used it around his colleagues or when the topic of Grandpa comes up or when Grandma was talking about her time just around the corner.
I’ve seen Mom used it around her ‘friends’, true or not, and I’ve seen it around us when she’s far too tired and she’s far too aware of her greying hair.
I’ve seen my brother using it the most around us, never being able to settle into his skin even with those who he should trust the most.
I’ve seen it with my sister, the way she brushes off any signs of emotional vulnerability other than irritation ‘because she thought everybody would use it as a weapon against her intelligence.
I’ve seen it in the mirror of the 5-star bathroom at school, the one everybody goes to because it’s the only ones that works. Most of the time, anyways.
I’ve seen it on my friends and I’ve seen it crumbles in the anticipation of days leading up to what was the most important event of our lives as high school students back then.
Someone asked me, if I’ve cried it yet, implying if I’ve succumbed to the world-heavy pressure of the future yet. If I’ve sat down and bawled my eyes out as I realized how short on time we always seemed.
I told them, no.
There are a few strays of tears I’ve let past in the days leading up to it but I know if I sat down properly and let it out – I don’t know how much it’ll take for me to stand up again. Or if I’m ever strong enough for it anyways.
I hate grief.
And I hate my anger even more.
And as my vision blurs with the tears in my eyes that I won’t let out, and my knuckles are white as I grip the box holding in the razors tightly – I wish, I wish I never knew how safe and suffocating a mask can feel.
More Posts from Hauntedcloudtheorist and Others
currently at €4,321 / €55, 000 (03/09/24)
EXTREMELY LOW FUNDS
please donate if you can! please boost & reblog!
Please support my campaign We are on the way to saving families and children🍉🙏
Please donate and😭 participate to save the rest. Support, support.🙏
#tumblr followers
Children are living the most difficult times in this difficult environment. Please support, participate and donate.🍉😭
a photo taken for my sister wh has been suffering lots of chronic disease, specifically Spinal Muscular Atrophy ( SMA).
please help my family move to safety and peace till these black days end.
https://gofund.me/fe3cd6dc
My name is haneen , We have been married me and mohamed for 6years full of love and warmth.
All those 6years we have been trying to have babies like every loving couple .
After a lot of trying i got finally pregnant but the war of 2021 took that baby from me .
And in this horrible war i lost a second baby while going from north to south.
We are living in a horrible conditions and we couldn’t handle our loss.
Please help us to evacuate and get treatment so our dream of having a baby becomes true .
dynamics of the MCU → Clint Barton & Natasha Romanoff
hi! i would like to highlight this fundraiser. i hope everyone who comes across this would help @mohammed-atallah (Muhammad Atallah and his family) in any way they can. scan the qr code (i got it from haruka aoki's pub materials) and donate.
Further details from Ahmed Alostaz, Muhammad's brother-in-law "My wife's brother, Muhammad, was going to bring aid from the Nabulsi roundabout. He was shot in his left hand by an explosive bullet, which led to nerve loss and bone fragmentation. He needs a bone graft outside Gaza, but the situation is difficult for them. Their house was completely destroyed, and Muhammad's father is also unwell and needs constant medical care. The family is focusing their efforts on caring for Muhammad, as he will need many operations to restore his hand to what it was, and also on rebuilding their destroyed home."
as of writing this post, this campaign is only around 16% completed. and their family is very grateful for it. here is an [Aug 21, 2024] update taken straight from their gfm:
[...] I am Iman, the eldest sister of Muhammad. There are no words to express how grateful my family and I are to all of you. We are a family of 13, including my young children Malak and Amir, Retaj, Rahaf, Saja, Alaa, Amani, Iman, Sobhi, Alaa, and Ahmed, my husband, and my brother Muhammad, who is injured. When we launched this fundraising campaign, I never imagined that it would receive so much love, generosity and compassion. I was honestly starting to lose hope and wondered if our innocent children would ever find safety again; I was preparing for the worst. Your unwavering support made me and my family feel hopeful again. [...] Please continue to support us and share our story so that our children and grandchildren can survive this brutal and relentless slaughter of our people and not just become numbers on your phone screens. I know that donations are not easy in these times, but I believe that every contribution has the power to change someone's life. That is why I am participating in this campaign with all my faith, not only to save them, but also to protect their dreams and help them get out of Gaza. [...] We will never forget how you stood by us during the darkest times of our lives. Thanks to each and every one of you, safety is no longer a distant dream. Things will never be the same again, but knowing that there are brave souls out there who will always stand by us is what keeps us from completely giving in to despair. With your help and generous donations, we can leave Gaza and build a new life and rise from the rubble. [...]
tag list under the cut for wider reach. i hope it's okay. dm me to be included/excluded. tysm. 🇵🇸 from the river to the sea, palestine will be free within our lifetime.
@aerequets
@anneemay
@appsa
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@cinemasystem
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@edwordsmyth
@feluka
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@gaza-evacuation-funds
@ghelgheli
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@heritageposts
@hussyknee
@ichicm
@intersectionalpraxis
@irhabiya
@just-browsing1222
@komsomolka
@kyra45
@lychee02
@magicmooshka
@magnus-rhymes-with-swagness
@mangocheesecakes
@neptunerings
@nonbienerfeeder
@northgazaupdates2
@opencommunion
@our-queer-experience
@pannaginip
@retvolution
@riding-with-the-wild-hunt
@sawasawako
@sayruq
@schoolhater
@sissa-arrows
@sivavakkiyar
@sliceofdyke
@socalgal
@soon-palestine
@stuckinapril
@tamamita
@timetravellingkitty
@trans-girl-nausicaa
@transingthebourgeoisie
@transjjester
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@txttletale
@ubernegro
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@victoriawhimsey
@womenintheirwebs
[the man-holding-a-palestine-flag element is from the free stock pictures of canva. lmk if i am violating any sensibilities here i might consider removing it.]
currently at €85 / €50, 000 (30/08/24)
EXTREMELY LOW FUNDS
please donate if you can! please boost & reblog!
note: still yet to be vetted but reverse image search seems clean
Hello, among the hundreds of tragic stories, I am sharing my painful story.
My name is Ahmed Khalil, I am 6 years old. I was at the beginning of my education, trying to learn, participate, and play with other children. My family consists of 8 members, including my mother and father. My father has diabetes, my brother Fathi is blind, my other brother Abdullah has autism, and my brother Mohammed was injured in his leg by shrapnel from rockets.
On October 7, 2023, the war began and has not stopped since. The airstrikes and Israeli shelling caused fear for me and my family. We could not endure the massive explosions that felt like recurring earthquakes and the red flames sweeping through the area. We were forced to flee to southern Gaza based on orders from the Israeli forces, leaving our beautiful apartments behind. We went to a UN refugee school in Deir al-Balah to escape the terror and death.
We stumbled into a different life full of suffering from every side, living through the most painful hell of war. I developed malnutrition due to contaminated water, poor hygiene, and the spread of infectious diseases with no suitable medicine available.
The situation is catastrophic and unbearable. “There is only death left in Gaza. Even death has become a privilege because it provides a sense of relief.” My older brother Mohammed and I begged our father to leave Gaza, but it was extremely difficult due to the high costs. My father lost all his property during the war, including his electronics repair center and apartment, which were completely destroyed, so he has nothing to help us travel out of Gaza. There is no safe place in the Gaza Strip.
I pray every moment for the end of this war and a ceasefire. The ceasefire is not just a call; it is a desperate cry to end the helplessness and despair spreading to every corner after more than 11 months of war. We flee from death every day, only to wake up the next morning to try to escape it again. My heart is heavy, unable to bear the recurring nightmares, and the overwhelming flood of news about blood, displacement, loss, and despair pouring from Gaza.
Every minute feels like a struggle. No one should have to endure this injustice, segregation, and discrimination. The ongoing shelling in southern Gaza and the intense bombardment of residential buildings in Deir al-Balah make everyone feel unsafe, believing they might be the next to face tragedy. Communications are cut off. We are exhausted and cannot bear more tragedies and losses. We are currently living in a classroom of the UN center, which is crowded with people, including my relatives and cousins. My poor father sees our pale faces and weak bodies and stands helpless due to the lack of money and resources.
I am still six years old, and I never thought I would witness such a brutal attack with complete disregard for human values. I am deprived of my basic rights, including health and education. I need to rebuild my life with my family abroad and receive better healthcare. Traveling to Egypt would cost at least $5,000 per adult and $2,500 per child, which is an enormous amount given the harsh living conditions and the blockade that has lasted for 17 years.
Therefore, I ask you to donate so that we can evacuate Gaza to safety. Please continue supporting our campaign by donating if you can and sharing it with your friends and family. Every contribution, no matter how small, helps us get closer to our next goal and brings us nearer to securing a safer future for my family.
Life Update: Balances & Sister-in-Law
Dear dearest friends,
I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to the people who helped me this past month, about my situation. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.❤️❤️🙇♀️🙇♀️
A lot of you may not know me, but I really appreciate the sweet messages and encouragement that I received. And to some I deeply apologize if I do not respond, to those who become kinda hostile to me towards the situation. Thank you for the reblogs/repost and tagging your friends in spreading my post. Thank you very much. And I am glad that I made friends with most of you as well. You are a life’s blessing 💝💝🙏🙏
I hope everyone is doing alright, despite the world facing the crisis because of Covid-19. Sadly, I am one of those who is greatly affected. Even got infected but I survived. A lost a stable job several months ago and my savings has been drained. I was a working student before in Japan(paying for my tuition & supporting my family), went back home to my homecountry. Because life has been sad to me upon my stay there. Got a job, but the company decided to do retrenchment several months ago, and I was one of the unfortunate employees.
It’s been a month since I posted my letter: Reaching out to you And like 2 weeks since my second letter: Notice of Eviction & Rescue Thank you for those who helped me. And for the people who is new to this new Letter of mine, please if you have the time. I hope you understand. I know some of you followed me, and as promised I will give update. I have been semi-active in tumblr for these past 2 weeks. Because luckily I was able to get a part-time job but it is only for 2 weeks, until 1st week of March. I worked like 16 hours a day, it is an underpaid job $15. If I work like 8 hours I get a pay of like $7-8/day. In my country you are not paid by hour but by day. Most of the employers though because of cost cutting is not following the standard guidelines of pay stated by our government. And no insurances/benefits. It is better than no job at all, it helps me sustain our daily needs - human & cat food. I currently live alone. With a dog and many adopted stray cats. Can’t live them dying in the streets. And they are my Furry family. They help me cope with my depression and all.🐱🐶
With the help of everyone’s donation a month has passed I was able to pay for my August 2020 rent. And upon receiving the Notice of Eviction Last Month, I was able to pay the balance from September 2020 to February of this year. Below is the Acknowledgement of Rental Payment, and notarized by the owner.
(Some information is blurred out for privacy, thank you for understanding).
Another update regarding my Electricity Bill I got a new one like 2 weeks ago stating my latest balance. My deepest gratitude for those who donated last time as I was able to pay a partial amount of $250. This is the new latest balance that I need to settle. Sadly, despite the partial payment. I do not have electricity at home now for 3 days now. My kind neighbor lets me connect to their line temporarily. I needed to settle a balance of $1,150(depending on the exchange rate) 😿😿
For the Water Bill, I was able to settle a partial balance of $175 and signed a promisory note. But also needs to be settled soon. As of the moment the amount that needs to be settled is $680(depending on the exchange rate).
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As for my cat Blackie, he is back under my care now and his legs are healed. Thank goodness.🙏🙏 his previous photo(injured photo), is on my first Letter.
I also have a new adopted Cat, and brought him/her home. Still a kitten I will upload the photo on my KoFi. I also uploaded a family of black stray cats that I usually feed at night.
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I am also continuing my every 2 weeks session for my counseling & therapy. I also have to had a major haircut, due to hairloss caused by my extreme pulling - Trichotillomania & stress. I already have a bald spots so it needs to be cut. Goodbye Long Hair - I am loosing my self-confidence. I will just upload the photos on my KoFi. I am also continuing my job applications nonstop, I got interviews but nobody is still calling back to me.
As for my Sister-in-Law & nieces they will be staying with me starting next week. For 2 weeks, I guess. The young ones are still devastated of the situation. I know I have an emotional, mental issues. But I will try my best to help and support them as much as I can.🙏🙏🙏🙏 I am still also paying for the Bank Loan. And they are calling me for updates, I missed a lot of payments for 3 months now. I will try my best to settle it. I still have a long way to go. I hope to get a permanent job soon. $15,000 is killing me. It is still big.🙏🙏🙏🙏 and the person responsible for her accident is already in Jail.
I am still trying to hold-on and be strong to everything. So please….I hope everyone understands my simple plea. No negativities please. And for my long-time friends here in tumblr and who I consider now like my own brothers and sisters, thank you for staying with me. I love you all so much. I deeply ask of you for your patience, understanding and please help me by boosting/reblogging/reposting or donating. I thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. God Bless you all.
FOR DONATION PLEASE CLICK 👉👉HERE👈👈 you can also follow me on Ko-FI and Twitter ————————————————————
For the people on my tags list please let me know if you wish to be removed by sending me a DM. I aplogize in advance. Thank you so much. 🙇♀️🙇🙇♀️🙇 hugs to you. Please share and reblog. And make this viral. If I double tagged you here, please bear with me. Thank you for understanding. I do not respond quickly, please understand that I might possibly sleeping because of the medicine or extremely exhausted. Thank you. @margaretheavesasigh @kurisutythehero @sharinalein @measurelessdreamer @lemondrop313 @thenotoriousscuttlecliff @calamitysong @6y9brows @timotaychalamet @bebemoon @prinnay @bryd-one-brere @nol-nol @call-of-the-ocean @emelinelove @cosmiccangst @impossiblebeararcade @spacesourcx @hermytheskrub @feelikeimglued @whatamidoingwithmylifeman @hauntedcloudtheorist @danathebestintern @miceoutline43 @underprivilegedcactus @kuinshi @mattygra @lemonadeswift @grantschangelives @sassytravelerstudent @monada43 @lethxl0ve @starstruckeaglepastagoop @motherofallfuckingbombs @psycotheorygirl @grrlboss-azula @that-aro-asshat @lizluvscupcakes @baronmenor @roller-rink-haruno @smoarchok @moondeliight @starkcontrasts @theminiestofmins @animelover7234 @sharingjoys @notyouraveragegirl1 @jbb305 @professor-meh
Since I've seen a number of people shocked about the Palestinian kids kept in Israeli prisons, here's more. I suggest you read about it more and spread the truth.
Ahmad manasra was arrested in 2015, after he was run over by Israeli soldiers and his cousin who was walking with him killed. He has been kept in solitary confinement since November 2021. He started showing signs of mental disorders as well as schizophrenia due to the torture he endured by the IOF. Read about our children who are getting tortured and abused in Israeli military prisons. They are not criminals, freedom to all of them.
Soldiers versus children, yet the world sides with soldiers! This is pre-OCT 7th! A western backed, democratically elected government with one - if not THE strongest army in the world! I am a mother my heart skips beats when I look at their faces. These could be my children or your children. These are our children! Enough! This occupation must end now! This madness must end now!
currently at €3, 830 / €35, 000 (02/09/24)
VERY LOW FUNDS
please donate if you can! please boost & reblog!
URGENT HELP 🚨
Hello, I'm Ola, a graduate student from the faculty of science - Al-Azhar University in Gaza Palestine. I truly appreciate you taking a moment to read my story. As you reading my message, myself and my family, “my mother, father, three sisters, and my little brother,” are fighting death in northern Gaza and trying to survive under all kinds of suffering including but not limited to destruction, fear, and instability, starvation, thirst, and poverty.
For nine months until now, we have been struggling to get proper food after prices increased by 15 to 20 times, struggling to have clean water for use and drinking. We lacked security and stability as we were forced to evacuate our house and left everything behind. Then we had to move at least three times.
I sincerely hope you can empathize with our dire situation and consider supporting us. You can follow me to make sure I am not a scammer and to inquire about any details. Your generosity has the power to make a significant difference.
Please reblog my post, follow me and boost my posts, and repost the link to our campaign across all your social media.
My campaign has been vetted by @90-ghost , @northgazaupdates , @el-shab-hussein , and @nabulsi 's vetted list, line 205.
Thank you for standing by me ❤️.
Please donate and/or reblog 🥺🙏🇵🇸
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the men and boys are innocent too.
we cry "the innocent women and children" to appeal to the masses, to try and force their sympathy, but the men and boys are innocent too.
I have seen sons crying out for their mothers, their fathers, their siblings. I have seen them break down at the loss of their families. I have seen them cling to their dead and grieve.
I have seen fathers cradle their dead children, seen them kiss their faces and hold their little hands. I have seen them faint with grief when asked to identify the dead. I have seen them carry their sons and daughters. I have seen them fasting to provide what little they can for their families.
I have seen men and boys digging through the rubble with just their bare hands, I have seen them comforting strangers, playing with children, rocking them, hushing them, even if the face of such imminent danger. I have seen them cry, seen them grieve, seen them break down into each other's arms, seen them be selfless, beyond selfless, becoming something I don't have a word for.
I have seen the men who are doctors refuse to leave their patients, even when they have no medicine or supplies to give them, even when they're threatened with bombings. I have seen fathers who have lost all their children pick orphans up into their arms and proclaim them their child so they are not alone. I have seen men and boys digging pets out of the rubble.
the men are innocent too. the men and boys are being hurt and killed too. the men and boys are grieving too. the men and boys are scared too. the men and boys are fighting to save their people too. the men and boys deserve to be fought for too.
Imagine they are your children 💔
Help My Family and Our Children Have The Life They Deserve, After Their Dreams Destroyed 🙏💔🇵🇸
You Can Support By Donate Or Share with Friends 🙏
Note : Verified by @90-ghost , @aces-and-angels
Please Help My Family 💔
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. Short stories, prompts, rantings, fandoms, OTPs , blah blah blah Critics are welcomed, it helps me improve. Requests are greatly appreciated. I'm a female bisexual aspiring writer and hv no problem with people wanting to chat.
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