New York City, 1975

I'm sorry...

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm sorry I never appreciated you while I was growing up.  I'm sorry that I didn't see the sacrifices that you made for me, as Asian immigrants.  I hated you when you would embarrass me in front of my friends or in public when you'd speak to me in Chinese. 

I hated that I was Chinese at one point in my life, and I'm so sorry for that, I'm deeply shamed by that now.  I was embarrassed by my heritage, and all I wanted was a normal life as a white American.  I wanted that so much that I prayed for it.  I hated my eyes, my skin color, and my general look of not looking Anglo Saxon American. 

I'm sorry that for that one year, I acted white, like I didn't understand Chinese, or refused to eat anything Asian.  I'm sorry I made you worry.  I'm sorry for myself, because for that one year, I could've learned so much. 

Growing up, I deeply resented you two to my bone.  You two worked so hard, accomplished so much, but it fell on blind eyes, and deaf ears.  You two were never home, and it was up to my brother to take care of me, which he used to resent me for as well.  I loved him so much, and he never really returned that love.  It must've felt like that for you too. 

I'm sorry that I don't trust you two, enough to share this with you.  That you won't really understand what I'm saying, or out right deny everything I'm sharing.  I'm sorry that you'll never know.

I'm sorry for everything that I've said that made you feel anything other than happiness, and I'm sorry for what I'll say to you in the future that make you feel anything other than happiness.  Such is the way of life, and not everybody is meant to die happy.

Seasons change, and friends move away, and life goes on from day to day, but I do know for a fact, that I love the both of you so much, so much that I'd rather die than see you both in a grave.  I want to thank you, and apologize for being so difficult at times, but I know, also for a fact, that your love is boundless, and beyond the farthest star.

Love

Wei Shing

The amount of messages telling me to watch Blackwater Gospel. 

It is a dark, creepy animation about an angry priest who rages at a man that doesn’t believe what he believes. 

The analogy to the real world is astounding. 

This animation is violent however. Viewer discretion is advised. 

WATCH HERE

LAST RECOMMENDATION: ZERO

The ceiling fan is on...

Spread your legs and air yourself out.

My Girl

She sat emotionless in the bed. The people around her were Vultures, although she was Okay with that, and didn't dread.

Deadly

She sat emotionless in the white room, As the vultures with the cure Preyed upon her between her legs. Eyes closed, she imagined doom.

Deadly

She sat in a bright room; mind twirling. There were others like her in That bright room, recovering, knowing Well their souls were swirling.

Deadly

She sat in the car; a shell. Watching the world pass by She thought to herself, When she would be going to Hell.

Deadly.

Sinner.

No Regrets.

A little bit of paradise.

My identity crisis

About once every two years, I go to Taiwan (I'm in Taipei right now) and feel like an outsider, but also, at home. I am Chinese American. Here, I look like everyone else. I'm not a minority. It's only when I open my mouth that the jig is up, because I'm American, and although my mandarin is good back in the states, but here, my mandarin is no better than a kindergartners, and that brings me a lot of shame and frustration. I want to be literate in this beautiful culture. Currently, I understand more Chinese than I can speak. The only mandarin I ever speak is to my parents, and their immediate friends, and they always praise my parents for making me speak mandarin at home. Back at home, in the states, people I don't know see me and sometimes speak to me slower because I'm Chinese, and I haven't spoken yet. They always have a look of surprise when I start speaking English. I feel very much like a minority there, but it's home and I understand. Don't get me started when I get a call from my parents, and I immediately speak in mandarin. They think I'm speaking in tongues or something. But I don't mind. It's a form of pride. I mean, I can speak 2 languages! Most people just know one. I grew up in a small town in Columbus Ohio. We moved there in the early 90s, from New Orleans and my family was one of the only Asian people there. It was hard. I felt so out of place and so alone. I hated all the questions of whether I ate dogs or cats (no), and why my eyes were slanted (I don't know). I was called a chink and my language mocked and made fun of. So much so that I hated being Chinese for a bit. But it's okay now. It gave me a thick skin and an understanding that some people are just ignorant to be ignorant and don't want to learn. It's not my problem. I'm sitting here at a cafe drinking my iced latte in this beautiful city. I have a lot of positivity in my heart right now, but I wish I could express it more eloquently in mandarin, but it's okay, because this is who I am. It took a long time to accept the things I cannot change, but I want to change the perspective. One day, I will write a poetry of love in mandarin, and it will be spectacular. I'm ABC and proud. I am American Born Chinese

To thine own self be true...

We are, every single one of us a different person. We are born and we acquire different looks, different body types, different skill sets, personalities, and we have to find out who we are and be true to ourselves, and don't waste energy trying to be like someone else. Figure out who you are. And really be happy with what you have.

My so called life

Life is pretty good for me. Since I don’t work until 2, I wake up around 8, check the time, maybe use the bathroom, check my notifications on my phone, go back to bed until 10 or so. Wake up, check Facebook, tumblr, instagram, then twitter. Then I go to the gym. Then throughout the day, I keep checking every couple of hours.

Around midnight I post something random on Facebook and go to bed and start everything over again the next day. It’s a good life. It’s an uncomplicated life. It’s my life. I just need MTV to film me so I can say to the camera, “you have no idea.”

“[Jodie is a] dance partner who knows a couple of moves you don’t. Villanelle is a very unpredictable character. And I think Jodie has been able to find freedom in acting in playing someone like that. It makes for wonderful spontaneity. It’s like you see them in a box together. There’s a scene at the end of the season that is extremely physical. It was tough to shoot because we had to do it in tiny pieces. But at the end of it, something happened quite spontaneously; it was not scripted, which I think changed a lot of the meaning in the scene between us. And it’s in some ways a way that Villanelle expresses her care for me. I’ll leave it at that.” - Sandra Oh (x)