I Know Everyone Gets Very Sad About Ao3 Going Down And Not Being Able To Reach Their Daily Fanfic Quota

I've been thinking about my cousin lately. She killed herself in December and she was someone I thought I would get to grow old together with. It feels strange that I have to divide my time from before and after her. I haven't told some of my friends because as little as they know about her there is a version of her still alive in their minds. One day they will ask me how she is and I'll have to tell them the news, but until that day she is alive. She is alive and she is trying to push me off the slide.

i'm going to listen to the album of the artist you like even though he's not really my vibe. i'm going to read the book you suggested even though it's not a genre i usually enjoy. i'll watch the show. i will try the recipe. i will play the video game, or at least watch a deep-dive youtube explaining the really-long lore so i have some idea of what's happening. the movie you suggested is too scary for me, but - i mean, the wikipedia page is kind of interesting - look at the length of the section Controversy.

this is not a burden. i think maybe "burden" and "love" might be oppositional, the way sometimes "love" and "hate" are not opposites. a burden is a dragging. i love you because you brought me to the water, and it is the horizon of your heart. i love you because of your nervous pacing around the edges of the rabbit hole.

often you are right. some songs on that album remind me of the spark in your eyes. the book was really thought-provoking.

more i just want to understand enough that you can talk to me. that you can explain, in depth, why it matters that wheat has shallow roots. i love you, even platonically - your love of this thing leaks into me. i watch you, cautious and dancing, the shy desire for you to smear the colors of this thing into my life, too.

they are your colors, though. of course i want them here, in the marginalia of my life. you matter to me. i want them to crowd the little moments of my day. i want your fingerprints scattered throughout the rooms of my heart.

one time i spent about six months reading and researching a particular author, just so i could talk to one of my friends about him. i never got the chance. she betrayed me, broke my trust, and sided with her abusive ex-boyfriend. standing in the sodden floodplain of what she left over, some bitter part of me asked - isn't that tragic? you have all this knowledge and nothing to do with it.

but i did have all that knowledge, though. when i reach for it, i still feel it glow.

The way orv says even the most boring, cliche, convoluted story is worth telling if it is loved. The way orv says people are stories made up of everything they've experienced and everyone they've known throughout their lives. The way orv says I love you. You are a story worth telling.

it IS super funny that orv starts out like "hoo hee i'm just a normal self-inserty power fantasy protagonist! my name is literally 'reader!' just an office worker turned action hero you can project onto slash look up to 🥰" and then very quickly shows that 1. no the fuck he isn't and 2. the story is a detailed interrogation of the nature of self-insert escapist power fantasy. and then the endgame twist that hits you like an emotional freight train is that orv is, in fact, actually very much a self-insert story about how you 🫵 are deeply loved and your survival matters so much that this book was written just to help you find reasons to live. idiot.

Hung out with my best friend today. True love wins again. The horrors persist but not when I'm with her.

always on shouto duty

i hope everything gets easier soon. or at least funnier. amen

On the journey to getting better but I am gonna complain about it the whole way through 

pioneering something called "gritted teeth optimism" where everything is gonna turn out okay even if i have to bite and claw and gnash my way through it

We shall trend again #hannibalrise

"I would kill for you. I would die for you" would you take a break for me? Would you sit down and rest? For a day, a week, a year? Would you let others take care of your needs for me? Would you let yourself be held for me? By me?