I Am One Lucky Son Of A Bitch

this is a dumb idea but here i am finally on here, ready to say some stupid shit lol

i will peel the shine from the stars and give it to you my endless sunlight

the way wilbur says “you look so cute when you’re so angry, if i’m going down, you’re coming with me” IS SO TENDER FOR NO REASON

now i wanna just sort of finally find someone to talk to- to connect to. It’s just weird being on my own so frequently, aching to be loved and understood, but being terrified of actually connecting to someone. As i told the color green, if you allow yourself to be loved then you also open yourself up to vulnerability. And survivors of ab*** just don’t have that luxury.

the novelty of having a pet will never wear off on me i’ve had animals my entire life for 23 entire years and i still sometimes stop and go holy fuck there is just a little guy in my house

200 days ago i told myself i needed to start healing. I even wrote it down.

And then i did.

It was hard.

And it hurt.

In August of 2021 I felt happy for the first time.

It’s now January and guess what? Things aren’t perfect or even that great.

And I. Am. Still. Happy.

Yes there are bad things. [I miss my partner who FOR SOME INEXPLICABLE REASON has chosen to be born british. And i am not. Thankfully. But it does mean he is far away. Not cool. >:\ ]

BUT IN SPITE OF THAT

I am still happy.

i am loved

i am love.

i like this.

And I love this

And i love me.

And I love my people who love me and helped support me while I healed.

And so, I am happy.

i think something i want most in the world is for someone to hate me.

Like absolutely despise me completely.

It would validate a lot of my feelings about myself while also maybe showing me how invalid they are.

I mean what i actually want most in the world is to be loved but

heh that’s a lot to ask for (it’s not i just can’t quite convince myself it’s not).

this is completely relatable tho

twinks fuck up me. cats consume me.

once i saw a specter

inside a mirror.

i want to know if he was a memory

i just miss him honestly

sweet summer and bitter longing.

i miss him.

A promise and a hope.

I won’t miss him for long.

He’s so lovely.