🌿 Meet My Tav 🌿

Facing Vampire Spawns

(7/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

(This part is less about analysis and more about how I personally approached this moment in my game, and the reasoning behind the choices I made. It isn't the only way, of course, but it felt right for Astarion and my Tav and the dynamic between them.)

There’s a moment when Cazador’s other vampire spawn appear, trying to capture Astarion and drag him back so their master can perform the Rite. They believe they’ll get to ascend too - but we know Cazador was lying.

At this stage in the story, Astarion still wants to perform the ritual himself - he doesn’t even want to hear anything against it. So when the spawns appear, he starts lying to them - saying that if they help him, they’ll get their revenge and live on, fully knowing the Rite would require their deaths.

There are two dialogue options Tav can choose in this moment:

(Persuasion) “Have you no heart, Astarion? You’re asking them to die for you.”

(Deception) “He’s free of Cazador’s command. You should follow him. He’ll save you.”

In theory, the first seems like the “right” option for a morally good Tav. But I didn’t like it - not here, not like this. It sounded too much like calling Astarion out in front of everyone, even after promising to support him. And sure enough, choosing that line raises approval with other companions… but lowers it with Astarion. He replies bitterly: “Don't look at me like that, I can't be who you want to see in me.”

We know he can, but he just doesn’t know that yet! And he is not ready either. Which is actually fair, because even though he's so sweet deep inside, he never hid from Tav how his own well-being was always a priority for him, from the beginning of their travel, and that he wanted to perform a ritual for himself.

(Isn’t it amazing how much he trusts them, never hiding his intentions and plans from Tav - when we clearly see that even the rest of their party disapprove?)

It's not even the first time Tav heard about his intentions, so bringing it up now feels less like a heartfelt plea and more like a tactical move to stop him - a betrayal, in his eyes, especially coming from someone he trusted. Which could be valid for a lawful good Tav, but it would also mean sacrificing the trust and understanding between them (not in the game, of course, you will just get a disapproval, but realistically it wouldn't pass without consequences).

I felt like discussing it and sharing your opinion was fairer to Astarion, that's why I went with the second option. Almost every other companion disapproved, but for me, that was the moment Tav showed they truly accepted Astarion as he was - in that moment. Not the person they hoped he would become. Just as he is.

So for me, it wasn't about deceiving the spawns, but about showing that Tav truly is on his side, without pushing him into something he wasn’t ready for yet. They don't try to fix or change Astarion - they are just there, grounding and patient, gently nudging him towards the light and believing in him. Respecting his autonomy and reminding him that there is more to him than survival instincts and revenge. Because Astarion can be a person who chooses kindness, but he needs to come to this realization himself.

Later, after the fight is over, you can have a private conversation. This is the time when he can feel safe and listen without being defensive. And Tav can softly raise that question: "Are you ready to sacrifice them?"

And now, indeed, Astarion is open to discuss it. He shrugs his shoulders, brushing it off - they are just vampire slaves. We talked about this in my previous post. He can’t put himself on the same level with them, it is too much: he is afraid to feel helpless again and he has to dehumanize them to be able to proceed with the rite.

When Tav asks if he doesn’t sympathize with those who share his plight, Astarion says that no one ever looked out for him. "You're the only one. Other people don't have a heart like you. You are you. No one is like that."

At first, for me, it sounded unrelated to the question. But it all kind of falls into place now. He is defensive here - probably because he understands how wrong it would be to sacrifice them. But he can't let himself think about it. He chooses to ignore the voice of sense, the voice of Tav advising him against the rite. He shuts himself down because he needs to do it - it promises everything he craved. Safety, freedom, perfect revenge. So he throws at Tav excuses, an attempt to justify and explain why:

This is the world he lives in. This is how things work. How he spent two centuries. What Cazador inflicted on him - be strong or be nothing. The one in power has the right to decide.

And Tav is an exception. A miracle, maybe. Something that wasn't supposed to happen but somehow did. But it doesn't change the rules.

When Tav says that the world can be kinder or that there will be others who care about him - approval rises even though he does not believe in it yet. But maybe he wants to.

It is a great detail how Astarion keeps saying this is also for Tav’s sake - while he is still desperately trying to grab at something that can guarantee his freedom. This might be just another excuse he is making to justify his ways, but for me, it does show the shift in him: Astarion is moving from a priority on self-preservation towards opening up to protecting someone else he cares about.

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I’m so happy about that little stool Astarion has in his tent :3

Btw Shadowheart also has one!

Oh yes, silly me - I completely forgot to explore all the options there 🙈 Thank you for this addition! I do love their banter. And humor almost plays role of another love language between them sometimes.

He does approve if you say “Is that all you want? Shallow praise?” as well.

I agree that joking around like that shows that Tav treats him like everybody else, normally, like a friend. And that’s what matters.

I did notice a slight change in his expression today when mentioning sleep, somewhere else but I can’t remember where exactly. And that’s also what I thought - that he is not so fond of going to sleep and seeing dreams that might turn into nightmares.

Reflecting in Their Eyes

(5/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

The episode where Astarion is looking in the mirror, quietly questioning his appearance, is one of my absolute favorites.

Since he is a vampire, we know he doesn’t cast a reflection. So at first glance, it seems a little bit pointless… unless! He was trying to make Tav notice, to draw them into a conversation without saying it directly (and it worked!) - isn't it just a sweet way to set up a difficult conversation without being too obvious about it, but at the same time not hiding it too hard? One might say it is another manipulation, but I rather like such a subtle approach. On the other hand, you can see in the camp that Astarion always has a mirror in his tent, so maybe I’m wrong in my assumption.

When Tav asks if he misses seeing his face, Astarion reluctantly, with a snarky comment, admits he does and confesses that he hasn’t seen his reflection since the night he was turned. He doesn’t even remember much about how he looked before.

In my story, I chose an option where Tav takes a moment to quietly study him. When he asked, “What?” she simply said, “I can be your mirror. What do you want to see?” And Astarion answered with something I didn’t expect him to say out loud, yet somehow knew was coming:

“I want to know what the world sees when looks at me. What you see.”

(There’s a more intense version too, where Tav simply says “I see you.” And in that moment, he’s stretched taut like a string - waiting, terrified, hopeful.)

He is quiet at first, but breaks into a smile, realizing what they are doing, when Tav starts describing him - those strong, piercing eyes, they say. And when they get to that “dangerous smile,” he interrupts with a grin:

“Just say I’m beautiful and we can call it a day.”

It may seem like he is back to his usual flirty sass, but I believe he was just incredibly relieved and even flustered to hear that they don’t see him, a vampire spawn, as a monster, but still find him attractive and beautiful. So the shield is up again, back to the safer tone, when the moment is over and he has confirmed what he wanted to know - not to push Tav away, but falling back into familiar habits because opening up like that is so much.

Watch his body language: he turns away, putting some distance between them, as if to regulate the emotions stirred by the moment. He seems overwhelmed, uncertain what face he should make right now, but he is still listening, still thinking. People often look into the distance like that when they’re remembering something - like he does, still processing Tav's words.

But the important thing is: those words weren’t just about his physical appearance, but also his personality or, rather, his presence, because “strong piercing eyes” and “dangerous smile” speak more about the inner qualities rather than outer beauty.

And when Tav does say - “You are beautiful” - Astarion is clearly lifted and cheered, especially compared to the beginning of their conversation. I just love this episode, it is so sweet and touching!

For someone who carefully cultivates control over his appearance, who hides his uncertainty beneath vanity, it is a big deal to open up like that and admit he is actually unsure about his looks. And to someone he is starting to trust. And it’s not just about his looks. When he asks how Tav sees him, it’s also a quiet test: he realizes he is developing feelings for them (well, at least for me, this episode was right before his confession), and he finds a way to find out if his feelings might be returned. It’s a subtle way of asking, “Is it possible for you to see me behind this appearance?”

This is the first moment he let his guard down to show something fragile underneath. To see how they react when he is not playing the role. He showed us small glimpses before, but this is the first time Astarion lowered his defenses that low. And when Tav doesn't recoil, mock or dismiss him but stays warm and sincere, it reassures him that he is safe and seen with them. And he dares to tell them the truth - about his feelings and his "simple plan".

This moment is one of the most breathtaking parts of their journey together that yet again connects to our next realization - I want to talk about it in the next post.

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I accidentally caught a moment where Astarion looks at Tav right after making a joke:

Astarion: I don’t know what that toy of her is, but I’m glad it’s on our side.

Close-ups:

Approval check: initiated 😁

On a more serious note:

The joke is for everyone. The smile he’s waiting for is hers.

Ruoqiang adventures

*!novel spoilers!*

Yan Wushi:

you’re so beautiful, the kindest person in the whole world, please let me cherish and adore you for the rest of my life

Shen Qiao:

*cold sweat*

what’s wrong with him??

~~~~~

Yan Wushi:

*makes sarcastic remarks, blackmails Chen Gong, gets what he wanted, abandons everyone in a difficult situation and leaves without saying goodbye*

Murong Qin:

are you happy now?!

Shen Qiao:

*relieved*

oh, he feels better

I’ve finished Sergio’s route recently and I’m just AAAAAAAAAAA which can be translated as “where I can get one?!?!”

Dangerous information to share but I’m weak to ‘mi corazon’

I won’t put any screenshots for the last chapters to avoid spoilers but it was freaking roller coaster.

Some weird moments aside /like “future” with that drink 😒/, I really enjoyed the route and the ending:

I fell for that guy the moment I saw him on the app, and almost haven’t touched the other stories yet (well, I’ve checked Road Trip to get more stars for Sergio… guilty) because it was exactly what I was looking for at that time.

Just look at this pure smile~

I was kinda surprised to see that many people in fandom didn’t like him much or were very suspicious /the dog was the most suspicious tho xD/ Maybe because they’ve started from Chava’s route 🤔 I actually was a bit suspicious too, but I was sure that even if he was the killer there must have been some serious reason, so I decided to trust the guy and was rewarded with a very sweet good ending✨

With all those mysteries, captivating atmosphere and heartbreaking and sweet moments with this lawyer… this story is definitely one of my favorites now <3

Btw this song fits their story pretty well, please check it out! （＾∇＾）

The Need to be Seen

(6/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

One of Astarion’s deepest longings, woven through all his fears and defenses, is the need to be seen. Not as a monster. Not as a tool. Not as an object of desire. Just seen. As he is.

And when he finally meets someone who is patient, kind and genuinely trying to understand him, he takes a leap of faith and begins to unravel - step by step - hoping that they’ll stay. Isn’t that incredibly brave?

The mirror scene, his confession - another subtle way of revealing the weakness and asking: “Will you still stay if I’m a mess?” “If I don’t shine and sparkle, will I still matter to you?”

He is afraid that if they see all the wounds and weaknesses behind, they will turn away and leave. Maybe that’s why he decides to find out - better sooner than later. 

It is really amazing how vulnerable Astarion is with Tav and many signs are showing that it is limited to them only: for example, when you test your love in the Circus he gets anxious and irritated if you share to much of his personal information, like "yeah, true but not in front of a random stranger!"

And his vulnerability seems reserved only for Tav (I haven't played as Durge yet). In the Circus test, for example, if you reveal too much about him, he immediately gets irritated - "Yes, that’s true, but not in front of a random stranger!"

There are dialogues in the early game when Astarion openly shares facts about his past, but he does it with a challenging attitude, like, "yeah, it was like that, so what you gonna do about it?" - almost like testing Tav's limits. "Will they still keep being kind to me if they know this? What about now?" - actually, that's what children with a traumatic background often do; they tend to misbehave and push boundaries to see if that adult really is safe or they can hurt them if provoked. (Maybe adults might react similarly, too, but personally, I am only familiar with this trauma response in children.)

Even in early dialogues, when he shares pieces of his past, he often does so with a defiant tone. “Yes, it was like that - what of it?” Like he’s daring Tav to flinch. "Will they still be kind to me if they know this? What about now?" It reminds me of how some children with trauma test the adults around them, pushing limits to see if someone is truly safe.

Astarion’s longing to be seen also reveals another fear: being seen as less than he pretends to be. All the performance - the charm, the wit, the sensuality - is his armour hiding underneath someone who has been terrified and out of control for two hundred years. And if someone notices that, he might find himself abandoned or fallen into the hands of those in power yet again.

And this is why, I believe, he seems to look down on those he perceives as weak: those in need and suffering. Even others who share his fate as vampire spawn. Because looking at them is like looking in a mirror he can’t bear. He is afraid to see himself in them, to feel less again, feel powerless. And that others will see him that way, too. That Tav will see him that way.

And if he sees himself in them, he risks crumbling. So the mask stays on. That resentment of perceived weakness isn’t about cruelty - it’s fear in disguise, desperate denial of his past victimhood. Because if he lets himself empathize, even a little, the dam might break. Then he’s no longer the charming predator, no longer in control. He’s the boy on the floor of Cazador’s dungeon again. And he can’t let that happen.

And that’s probably what happened when he met his siblings - other six vampire spawns (and other victims in the dungeon later). Before, Astarion had brushed off Tav’s concerns about facing them and his past again, but he didn’t take it well in the end - he couldn’t put himself on the same level with them, it was too much to bear, so he just put another wall between them instead.

But even if he starts distancing himself, obsessed with the Rite, the longing remains. And if Tav keeps reaching, gently, patiently, he still hears them. Because deep down in his heart, like a guiding star, these words live:

"I can be better than him."

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oooh! good luck then ;)) I actually almost said it out loud but missed the moment

*studying at Japanese language school*

*after a weekend of watching Pokémon*

*spacing out*

Sensei: nandaka...

Me: !

Inner voice + bg music + lights:

Nanda kanda iwaretara

Kotaete ageru ga yo no nasake

Our cute puppy 🥰

New strategy from extras

It is so funny that usually A-Qiao is so moody and grumpy with Yan Wushi, but when Lao Yan attitude suddenly changed Shen Qiao became so worried 😄