Some Days Ago I Was Playing Poker With My Family, And Speaking French (because They Know That Helps Me

ED things

You know its bad when the first thing you notice about anyone is how thin their legs are and if they have noticeable collarbones or not. Then compare yourself to them all the time and fall down a deep pit of self-hate

While kids still do those weird trends, and I'm still around, you'll never miss them

I love you a lot

I've realized that i am indeed, falling for her. With everything: pain, fear and terror, I'm falling in love again.

I keep repeating the same memory «here's your sweater and... Look what i got». Her holding yellow flowers. She looked so pretty, the way she smiles at me. It's so amazing i can't even describe it.

I just can't get myself together, how is this happening to me again? How did i not notice? I did see the signs. Me staring and smiling like an idiot, i always want to see her and kiss her and... Oh god, i am falling.

She's so special, it feels like she's the voice of calm and reason every time i lose my senses. I love how she's always around, i adore and crave her touch.

I need to write a letter.

A la gran puta con ese cerote whY DID HE DO THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIMMMMMMMMMMM WHY AM I SO MAD PLGPLGP

Days off antipsychotics and feeling the void

She's probably right, there's something wrong with me. But I'm not sure what it is exactly. What i know is that I'm slowly liking her more and more than i expected to. And i love that. But I'm scared of getting hurt again by somebody, sobre todo because I'm giving her the keys to where my heart is.

whoops, i've been told that "it is not abuse 'cause is for your own good", the harm my parents did to me for my own good turned me in a traumatized child, with fear. Nobody who was physically abused as a child turned out okay.

being spanked is abuse

being slapped is abuse

being physically harmed or hit in any way by a person in power over you is abuse

being intimidated and terrified into thinking that they’ll hit you is abuse

being forced into state where you flinch when their tone of voice changes is abuse

being sure that you’re dead when they lift their hand is heavy psychological abuse

being hit with your own hand is abuse (abuser forcing your hand to strike your body)

feeling like you have to keep a happy face and pretend that everything is okay is abuse

feeling like you haven’t been hit enough and like you deserve more is abuse

having a person with power want to cause physical harm to when you have no way to defend yourself is abuse

controlling your reactions is abuse

demanding a different reaction after physical harm is abuse

demanding no fear, no anger, no bitterness, no symptoms after being hit is abuse

forbidding expression of pain and fear and anger is abuse

subtly letting you know that you can’t tell anyone about what they did is abuse and silencing technique

shaming you for hitting you is abuse

demanding that it’s your fault if you get traumatized by physical harm is abuse

claiming that it’s you who is violent if you resist or try to escape or fight back is abuse

if any of this was done to you: you have been abused

if this was done to you and you don’t think it was harmful: you are wrong

if you dare to comment “i was hit and i turned out okay”: nobody who thinks any of this is alright to do to a child has turned out okay

Some time ago my mum gave me pills for calming me down at school after the breakdown I had. And it was oof, my head was moving but my body wasn't responding, I felt like shit but I wasn't able to feel anything.

I was looking at my classmates dancing like:

I'm sorry, hope y'all having a good night

(Day 41: April 24)

Well if it isn't the consequences of my own actions, wassup?

Got anatomy and mental healthcare exams today. I domt know why everything has feel so difficult lately, so tiring, so stressful.

I miss first year, it was difficult but it was NOT like this. I feel so bad and so incapable of doing my work. I am letting people i love down.

God knows if i wasn't depressed i would be sosososo powerful, i would be in total capacity. But my brain feels like it need something to work properly. Idk.

I just want exam season to be over right away

Eepy