Do You Want Me To Fuck Around Or Not, Zack

New Listener's Guide to The Magnus Archives

Or, How To Stop Worrying And Learn To Love The Scares

A lot of people seem to be getting into TMA lately so I thought I’d offer some basic advice for anyone curious about it.

Useful Resources

A full list of transcripts

Content warnings 

Note: The creators have straight up stated that they’re not gonna include sexual violence or explicit pet deaths.

Character guide for keeping track of names

So what exactly is The Magnus Archives?

Fundamentally, it’s a horror anthology podcast. The central conceit is that our protagonist is an archivist and each episode he makes an audio recording of a written statement that someone has made about their encounter with the paranormal. This format means that the particular flavour of horror can vary wildly from episode to episode.

But what about The Plot?

It may not seem like it at first but there’s a lot going on. Don’t worry about it though, you don’t have to keep meticulous notes to understand things. The characters spend plenty of time trying to figure things out and you can just take that journey with them. However, if you’re into cork-boards and red string, then absolutely, this is a great podcast for that. But you’re not gonna have a worse experience if you just want to sit back and get spooked.

And Jonathan Sims?

That would be our protagonist, his voice actor, and the show’s writer. Yes, it gets confusing at times. It’s not set in stone but people often use Jon, John, Jonathan or the archivist to refer to the character while Jonny refers to the real person.

New Episodes?

Nope, it was planned to run for 5 seasons and then it ended. However, there is a prequel/sequel/”sidequel” in the form of The Magnus Protocol.

This is gonna be so harsh but- Actually it isn't going to be harsh at all I thought this through a lot. It was gonna be harsh at first but ahn fuck it I'll still say it. Damn it really seems like everyone in Haruka's case was a bit negligent.

Like I'm still curious how he even got near the second kid to be honest since the details were scarce on that but this is mostly gushing about how good that video was and how it wrapped up mostly everything about this case.

Me reading the report on Haruka,

Born in 1997, in Nagaoka, Niigata. From an early age Haruka Sakurai developed more slowly than his peers. His overprotective parents would not accept that their child had developmental delays, and did not provide him with an educational environment suited to his needs. The gap in developmental achievements between him and his peers kept widening, so much so that when Haruka 15 years old, he could still not adequately read kanji.

It was around that time that his parents simply gave up, and they shift from overprotective to disinterest. From then forth, his parents acted as if Haruka did not exist. Haruka tried to regain his parents' attention by causing problems and disturbances, but his parents' attention was never directed at him again.

"Tell me, why are you drifting away from me? Tell me, why do you say it’s my fault?"

"Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change."

Haruka starts to kill animals in secret from around that time. He killed insects, he killed mice, he killed stray cats and dogs.

"It’s fine, it’s all my fault right? It’s enough, I am a “disappointment”."

"You praised me by saying “You’re crazy.” Thank you, I’ll do my best. How many more times do I have to do this so I can be human?"

He felt relieved that there was life in the world that was inferior to him. Haruka's actions soon escalate, and he starts to kill pet dogs and cats as well.

The following day, as he witness the tormented screams of the people who had suddenly lost a life they so cherished, he has a deep emotional reaction where he feels for the very first time that he is indeed connected to the world. The neighborhood increased its security soon afterwards, and Haruka's unsophisticated crime soon came to light.

The police detained and questioned him harshly. Haruka experiences a heightened sense of excitement with all of this interest and attention directed at himself.

Haruka Metamorphosis of the Weak 2:55s,

"It felt so strange warden...! Warden-san, you forgave me so, so much, it felt like a whole lot of people had accepted me! Ahh... It was the first time I've ever felt something like that!"

When he saw the faces of his parents, who were called in for him and him alone, that heightened excitement reached a fever pitch, and he fainted.

The day he was released, Haruka committed murder. The victim was a small child, clearly much less powerful than himself. It was the day of the fireworks festival. He targeted the child who had strayed away from her parents.

Haruka weeps, as he clumsily hides the body,

"This child's life was probably much more valuable than my own." "A future much brighter than mine was probably awaiting this child."

Haruka Metamorphosis of the Weak 2:30s

"It is. I felt uneasy about it this whole time... Someone as worthless as me having killed someone to gain attention, and a person who surely had more worth and more of a future than me, at that..."

"Why did I end up like this?"

"Why was I born like this? Why does it hurt so much?"

Haruka cried, night after night after that, and repented.

He thinks about the future of the child he murdered, and claws at his chest. When he comes to, he was strangling the neck of a second child.

I really love the implication here that he wasn't cognizant of his attack on the second child.

When he comes to, he was strangling the neck of a second child.

As well as the report just saying he strangled the other kid. Yes this kid is still a victim but he was not murdered like the other girl. Milgram has been making it a note since the trial three commencement to not call anything outside of murder, murder. Something I really love with how ambiguity has been used over the course of the series to claim anything outside of murder can be murder if stretched far enough.

Not specifying murder with the attack of the second child like with the case of Shidou and Amane in contrast to Haruka and Mahiru's cases to me highlights that the second incident did not escalate to murder. Because if it did they would have added clarification which Milgram has been great at doing in other cases. So this is more than likely just assault and not even attempted murder because as the report states Haruka was not cognizant when he was doing this.

Outside of that- I'm about to say some shit that sounds like victim blaming but hear me out all the way it's not that I swear.

The first incident was also a byproduct of parental negligence. Certainly the report tries to blame the child for wandering off from her parents. Like ahn well she wandered off but like she was with another child and her parents brought her there to the event. I mean it is the responsibility of the parent(s) or guardian(s) to watch the child when at a crowded public event venue where one is not sure of the intentions of all parties present.

I'm sorry I feel bad for her parents and this truly was a traumatizing and life destroying event them losing their child. However, my father wouldn't let me as a child walk around a fireworks show alone or with friends without him like a little ways away. This was contributed to by gun issues in the US but at the same time, the size of crowds at those sort of events, and how easy it is to lose a child at big events or in crowds. Yeah no he was not letting go of my hand when I was seven to high school actually.

Hell Haruka's mom does that and we have documented proof of his parents negligence now.

However, I'm once again proposing that possibly the neighborhood Haruka grew up in/around was simply so gated and peaceful residents could not comprehend, imagine, or even anticipate anything like this happening within it.

Making this less willful negligence on the girls parents part and back on Haruka's parents.

Because they knew their child was just released for killing animals. Of course at this point Haruka was a grown man he was in his twenties. One could be excused for believing what he did was now beyond his parents control. However he was still to his own admission with no information claiming the contrary provided by Milgram in the report,

Q.07  Tell us your family structure.

Haruka: My father and my mother and me.

A dependent of and living with his parents. To take it further despite being an adult when taken to be questioned by the police- The authorities called his parents in. Even if Haruka was lying about still living with his family which I highly doubt. His parents were both called in, made aware of his behavior, and still continued to do nothing to intervene or seek help for him.

Furthermore, they neglected to warn anyone of the risk he posed to others in their community animal or person. Then the authorities released Haruka and instead of even attempting to better supervise him his parents to Milgram's admission continued on as though he did not exist,

Haruka tried to regain his parents' attention by causing problems and disturbances, but his parents' attention was never directed at him again.

This allowed him to just go out completely unsupervised by his parents or restrained by the law which led to a child's death. Now I'm not gonna blame the authorities they more than likely kept Haruka for as long as they could considering the severity of his crime. They even reprimanded him for his actions and informed his immediate family and guardians of his behavior. At best probably went,

"Sir and madam we are releasing your son back into your care after this horrendous incident please move forward with getting him proper help and treatment as not to repeat this."

The Sakurai parents in response to this information and possible reasonable request. No he can just wander outside alone still actually. He's a disappointment he'll never get it-

"Then what should have I done instead?! Tell me! Tell me so even I can understand!"/"I'm sorry!! I'm sorry!!! Making you waste your life on someone like me...!!"

Let's speak on his parents real quick.

Anyone else remember when the mom was just getting blamed for this and no one wanted to even take a crack at the internalized bigotry and ableism parents (and people in general) carry in them when it comes developmental delays and disorders.

It was just abuse and neglect not anyone going,

Let's discuss how parents in particular behave as though having any mental health difficulties or diagnoses is a death sentence. How they behave as personally ashamed that their child is experiencing these setbacks. As well as on some level have internalized that their children having these issues reflects poorly on them genetically and as parents.

How Haruka's parents felt this way so much about what Haruka having these delays and possible diagnoses would mean about them as parents/people and for Haruka and his future that they decided like a lot of parents do they were just not gonna think about it. No instead they were just going to pretend everything was fine, there was no problem, their son was fine and did not need any extra help or accommodations. He was just like every other child because he had to be because if he wasn't what did that mean about them.

If Haruka doesn't catch up that's a personal failing not something they could have prevented because he's fine, he just needs a little extra at home attention, he isn't having those sorts of serious problems. He's not a weakling he doesn't have weaknesses or delays when it comes to his growth and education. He's a good kid.

Love that they added this line to allude to the fact it was definitely his parents being like that,

His overprotective parents would not accept that their child had developmental delays, and did not provide him with an educational environment suited to his needs.

Like I love that they note they were overprotective at first here.

That the series even implies that it was Haruka's parents' overprotectiveness and possibly fear of having their kid labeled as one of those kids that led to them not getting him accommodations that would have allowed for him to thrive. Because that is usually what causes that. Many people who are ruining their kids futures due to deeply rooted and unchecked ableism think they're helping them. They do not get up and think I'm about to ruin my kids life for no reason.

They get up and they think what many people think,

"Oh no if it's that then my kid will get bullied, my kid won't be able to get a job, my kid will have to carry this stigmatizing label on them for the rest of their lives. I'm not going to do that to my kid. Because I know how people who are different get treated. We can just figure it out in the home. If I put in a little more work the problem should fix itself. They're just a little behind it's not that big of an issue. They just move at their own pace we can work through it at home."

People who think this way truly believe that they are making their child's life easier by having them be in the same classes as everyone else their age, that their making sure that their kids don't stand out negatively for being different, or actively being shown getting treated different.

Leading to the kid seeing that they can't keep up with their peers, falling behind, and internalizing that they were just born wrong. All the while the parents who know there's a problem but don't want to put a name to that or admit that become more and more frustrated going,

"If you just apply yourself then you can get this. I know that you're smarter than this. Are you really trying. You can do x just fine so why can't you do y? Are you just being lazy? Or do you just act like you don't know to get this extra attention from me. We've been over this a million times. It's not that difficult."

Then they just go cold they just distance themselves entirely. Because they begin to associate the child being bad at school as another form of attention seeking behavior and believe that if they stop coddling them like they have been up until that point they'll figure it out. Because the world isn't going to be easy on them so better to be tough now.

Also this all definitely puts a new spin on that trial one question and answer.

Q.14   What’s an event that’s stuck in your memory?

Haruka: Fireworks

Haruka cried, night after night after that, and repented. He thinks about the future of the child he murdered, and claws at his chest.

"I was wrong. Yes, it was me."

This also explains why Weakness was like that. He wasn't saying yes it was me to get more attention he was admitting that the reason this girl was missing or found dead was because of him. Something that only makes sense now given the tidbit about him hiding the body. He was literally confessing.

Haruka weeps, as he clumsily hides the body,

Just all around really good stuff in this report. That wraps everything up so well.

Help why did I immediately think Ray when I saw this-

(The full cover slapped tho)

Just recently played through Homicipher - it was a good game. The whole mechanic of slowly piecing together the language was really fun, and the characters are simple- but pretty cool and interesting for having dialogue hindered by a language barrier and seemingly broken speech even when largely deciphered. Mr. Gap is probably my favorite at the moment.

Though I think it says a lot about me that I immediately thought of Zack when I saw Mr. Machete- and the fact that I’m now rapidly thinking of crossover scenarios…

If they did meet- to Mr. Machete, Zack would just be a smol human, an oddly respectable one that can stab and yell funny. And Ray would just be an even smaller human. Really boring though. Shame the funny man doesn’t seem to let him stab her.

Mr Crawling would immediately make it his goal to make Ray genuinely smile/have fun as soon as he sees the dead corpse energy she exudes. But he quickly realizes that that might not be as daunting as as task he originally assumed to be as Ray is morbid as all hell, and all he needs to do is trail her for a bit before she sees something in this horrid haunted place that piques her interest and he encourages her to have fun with it. (Zack watches with a disgusted look in the corner as Ray teaches Mr. Crawling to sew dolls with her)

Of course Ray would be the one actively making an effort to understand the language - and Zack would probably reluctantly pick up a few words here and there if only from the fact that he’s forced to overhear Ray and Mr. Crawling chatting it up all the time.

Zack would hate Mr. Gap specifically with all his heart- I can feel it in my bones.

i love it when characters are codependent. i love it when losing someone feels like losing a limb. i love it when two people "complete" each other so wholly and terribly that one can barely function without the other. i love it when the fear of losing the only person who understands them is so all-consuming they'll destroy anything to stay together, including themselves.

When your Character...

Gets into: A Fight ⚜ ...Another Fight ⚜ ...Yet Another Fight

Hates Someone ⚜ Kisses Someone ⚜ Falls in Love

Calls Someone they Love ⚜ Dies / Cheats Death ⚜ Drowns

is...

A Child ⚜ Interacting with a Baby/Child ⚜ A Genius ⚜ A Lawyer

Beautiful ⚜ Dangerous ⚜ Drunk ⚜ Injured ⚜ Shy

needs...

A Magical Item ⚜ An Aphrodisiac ⚜ A Fictional Poison

To be Killed Off ⚜ To Become Likable ⚜ To Clean a Wound

To Find the Right Word, but Can't ⚜ To Say No ⚜ A Drink

loves...

Astronomy ⚜ Baking ⚜ Cooking ⚜ Cocktails ⚜ Food ⚜ Oils

Dancing ⚜ Fashion ⚜ Gems ⚜ Mythology ⚜ Numbers

Roses ⚜ Sweets ⚜ To Fight ⚜ Wine ⚜ Wine-Tasting ⚜ Yoga

has/experiences...

Allergies ⚜ Amnesia ⚜ Bereavement ⚜ Bites & Stings ⚜ Bruises

Caffeine ⚜ CO Poisoning ⚜ Color Blindness ⚜ Food Poisoning

Injuries ⚜ Jet Lag ⚜ Mutism ⚜ Pain ⚜ Poisoning

More Pain & Violence ⚜ Viruses ⚜ Wounds

[these are just quick references. more research may be needed to write your story...]

Could we get some tips on finishing fics or chapters? Because like whenever I open the docs, I always end up writing down only 2 sentences and wasting all my time on those or getting stuck on a perpetual loop of editing, how do you do it???

oh that one's super easy.

🔥🔥🔥 DON'T EDIT 🔥🔥🔥

I can't find the original post (if anyone knows it, please link) but there's something I've heard called the 100 page curse: you get 100 pages into a novel, figured out how it oughta be written, go back to read it from the start, edit it... get back to 100 pages in, have an even better idea how to write it, go back to read it from the start, edit it... get back to 100 pages in, have an even better idea—

A lot of aspiring writers never make it past 100 pages into their novel.

It doesn't have to be 100 pages, that's just common. It can kick in at 200 pages, 10 pages, half a page, wherever you get stuck.

So if you get stuck editing, don't edit. If you realize "oh man but I should take out the entire subplot with the cactus, I can't keep writing until I do because Bongo's entire mood would be different if the cactus thing never happened," insert a note to yourself like "(*remove the subplot with the cactus later)," just start writing Bongo's mood the way it should be as if you'd been writing him that way all along, and KEEP GOING.

If the urge to fiddle around editing is holding you back, you're not allowed to edit until you finish.

A lil Zack doodle

I just want to keep this in my pocket :)

Why do you ship billford? i want to hear all ur handcanons and reasons hehehe

ALL of them? My friend I do not think you comprehend the magnitude of the task you have requested. I can tell you some of them.

Here's a post I already wrote listing why I like them, and here's a post about what Ford thinks about Bill, and I just made a post about what Bill thinks about Ford because I've had it typed up on discord for ages and decided it needs its own post.

So, some headcanons:

⭐️ While most people who ship it headcanon that they had a romantic relationship of some kind pre-betrayal, my default headcanon is that they DIDN'T have a relationship—mainly because I enjoy making Bill, specifically, miserable, and I like headcanoning that Ford violently lost interest in Bill at the EXACT moment Bill developed a sincere interest in Ford.

Meaning that Bill "LOOKS LIKE MR. BRAINIAC FINALLY GOT SMART" Cipher destroyed his own chances five seconds before going "no no wait I actually want to keep this one," and that's SO funny. I made a graph!

⭐️ From Lost Legends we know that Ford used to date a siren. In the original Greek mythology, sirens didn't woo sailors by singing prettily; sirens offered knowledge about distant and future events. Sailors wrecked their ship upon the sirens' shores and starved to death at their feet just to listen to them sing about the secrets of the universe.

What I'm saying is: Ford has a type.

⭐️ This is a mutual monsterfucker 4 monsterfucker relationship. They look at each other and go "wow you're such a weird-looking alien" and they're attracted to each other BECAUSE of that, not in spite of that. I don't want any of this "oh how could I be drawn to something so strange..." shame out of Ford, as far as I'm concerned his first crush was Mothra, a floating triangle is nothing.

⭐️ Consequently, this means that if you take an AU where Bill gets stuffed in a human body, rather than making things easier, it ironically means that any PHYSICAL attraction Ford had for Bill instantly evaporates. A humanized Bill could be the sexiest damn thing in the room and everyone else in the vicinity is going 🥵💦 but Ford's going 😐. If they hook up with Bill in a human body it's in spite of Bill's current appearance and it's because Ford knows that, underneath the body, Bill's still Bill. You could hand Ford a perfect Tumblr Sexyman supermodel and he'll be fantasizing about a three-tiered pyramid with more teeth than a shark.

⭐️ Bill WILL play Dungeons Dungeons & More Dungeons with Ford, voluntarily, for fun. However he always wants to DM and he's brutal.

⭐️ I think that the majority of the Henchmaniacs used to be like Ford: young, naive, USEFUL aliens that Bill was trying to manipulate into getting access to their universes, probably by trying to get THEM to build portals. None succeeded, but they got far enough along that either they chose to join Bill, they were forced to flee their dimension and join Bill—or, due to Bill, their home no longer existed, so they might as well join him. I think that every one of them was once his ✨favorite✨ person. I think he sealed the deal in winning their friendship & loyalty with a calculated, scripted display of vulnerability—the exact same one he tried to use on Ford: I liberated my constricting, flat world; I want to liberate yours...

He may have dated some of them, too, especially right after they joined. Because he wouldn't have recruited them unless he thought they were JUST ♥ LIKE ♥ HIM. They're special, they're important...

... and after a few years, Bill realizes they're not that much like him after all and loses interest, and they sink down into the rank-and-file with the rest of the Henchmaniacs. The Henchmaniacs are FULL of people who were once Bill's Favorite—his best friends, his confidants, his lovers—and most of them are desperate to catch his eye and be that important to him again. They gave everything they had to Bill only for Bill to get bored.

So when he shows off the human who enabled Weirdmageddon and invites him to join the gang, they know EXACTLY what they're looking at: Bill's newest favorite. They know how this goes, he'll be gaga over this earthling for the next 5 to 500 years and then Ford will be just another regular Henchmaniac. The fact that Ford doesn't seem eager to join is no problem. Ford isn't the only soon-to-be Henchmaniac whose world Bill ended; some of them had to be talked around into joining, too.

⭐️ I think that, if you took Bill with his canon personality, didn't give him any character development, and then made him GENUINELY fall in love with Ford, and had him SINCERELY try his hardest to be a good, loving, healthy partner... he would still be toxic as hell for Ford.

Part of what draws Bill to Ford is that he sees SO much of himself in Ford—some accurate, some just projection. (You who crave power and fame and fortune like I do; you who also hunger to be all-knowing; you who would also sacrifice your world and your family and everyone you know and love to get what you want; you with an ego the size of the moon, oh, you deserve an ego the size of a star.) And so he assumes that what Ford really wants is what BILL would want in Ford's shoes.

And if Bill was Ford, what he'd want is to REALLY be the man who changed the world. Bill thinks he's fulfilling all Ford's wildest dreams if he gives that to him. Naming Ford the orchestrator of Weirdmageddon is the most generous gift Bill could ever offer.

Even if Bill is Really Really Trying and accepts that okay Ford doesn't want his world invaded: his idea of showing Ford love will be pulling the strings to get Ford fame & fortune. Teach him secrets of the universe that he can publish in a dozen groundbreaking scientific papers, arrange meetings with politicians and celebrities, get him a Nobel, get him an Oscar-winning bio pic, get him a billion dollars, get him EVERYTHING Ford's ever imagined as a marker of success and then double it.

When Bill's manipulating Ford, he offers praise and approval in little drops periodically leaking from the faucet, to keep Ford thirsty for more. When Bill's LOVING Ford, he just breaks the fire hydrant and lets it flood the street.

But the thing is, that's not good for Ford. That'll never make him truly happy. Ford's only ever learned how to measure his success by external markers, but the more external markers he collects the more he'll feel like he hasn't Made It yet. It's even possible that knowing Bill's helped him get this far will make him feel like he hasn't really EARNED it. He could have the whole world handed to him and he'll feel just as dissatisfied as he was on the day he first summoned Bill.

And Bill, even if he's trying his HARDEST to do this right, wouldn't be able to understand why this isn't working. A trillion years old and the only way he knows how to show love (or to receive love) is by showering someone in praise and gifts and favors. If that doesn't work, he doesn't know what's left.