On Fanfic & Emotional Continuity

Human bodies are strange and sometimes terrifying. A handbook has been constructed that is basically a staple on all ships called “Your Human Is Doing Something Strange But Don’t Panic, It’s Normal”. Here are some excerpts: 

Occasionally a human’s joints will make loud noises akin to popping or cracking. Stay calm, this does not mean that the human has broken a bone. Gases will gather at the joints in a human’s body and when pressure is applied will pop loudly. While unnerving, it has little to no effect on the well-being of a human. 

After they wake and before they sleep humans have a habit of scrubbing the bones protruding from their mouths with a flavored paste. Although it is strange, this habit is very important and the proper supplies should be provided on all ships. If not cared for properly these bones may rot and fall from the skull of the humans and it is an entirely unpleasant experience for everyone involved. 

Humans will sometimes experience an irritation or “tickling” sensation in their nose causing them to suddenly expel a large amount of oxygen from their body. This is such a violent process that they must close their eyes to prevent them from popping out of their sockets. It may appear to be painful, but is helpful and many humans actually claim that it is enjoyable and makes them feel much better.

It is recommended that anyone coming into contact with a human familiarize themselves with the many quirks that come with them to avoid future panic.

somethingcuteandwitty.tumblr.com 

FINALLY FOUND THIS

An old and homely grandmother accidentally summons a demon. She mistakes him for her gothic-phase teenage grandson and takes care of him. The demon decides to stay at his new home.

Why not?

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

You know what kills me? Artificial flavors. The notion that somewhere, sometime, there was a rogue blue raspberry. I’ve never seen this fictitious blue raspberry. I have no idea what a blue raspberry should taste like. I know what blue raspberry candy tastes like.

How about apple? Watermelon? Grape? Grape flavored cough syrup? More like fake Concord grape abomination. Yet we accept that this is what they represent. No one believes that watermelon candy actually tastes like watermelon, but if you blindfolded someone and had them eat some, they’d say it was watermelon.

H O W ? ? ?

“Hey, Menah-Tal, I got some candy in a package from home. Do you want to try some?”

Menah-Tal took the bright yellow wrapped candy from Brett. He started to put it in his mouth before Brett stopped him.

“Unwrap it first. There’s a joke on here too - eh, it wouldn’t make sense.”

Menah-Tal gingerly “unwrapped” the candy and took the sticky substance out. These humans. How do they tell what is edible and what isn’t? Menah-Tal watched wistfully as Brett put the tasty-looking wrapper in garbage receptacle. Menah-Tal put the candy in his mouth and sucked on it thoughtfully.

“What is this supposed to taste like on your world, Brett?”

“Banana.”

“Ah.” Menah-Tal continued to suck sagely. “So that’s what ‘banana’ tastes like.”

“Well, it doesn’t actually taste like banana.”

Menah-Tal blinked his three eyes slowly. Why. Why is everything so complicated.

“We had a banana crisis back in the fifties. The banana flavor you’re tasting is modeled after an extinct variety. The only kind we have now doesn’t taste much like that at all.”

Menah-Tal struggled to open his mouth now that the candy had cemented itself around his teeth.

“So your kind has a sweet substance that they eat for enjoyment that is flavored to taste like an extinct fruit?”

Brett shrugged.

“Yup.”

Menah-Tal licked his finger.

“Sounds about right.”

I just realized that the only things I’ve been reading are fanfics. I’m not reading books anymore. I’m not complaining though.

On the months my research team and I were allowed to live on Earth and observe their habitat I noted the following about human young:

- human young will turn anything into a weapon to mock battle their peers, broom sticks, straws, even their food

- when in large groups human young will display games of mock hunts against each other. The two most common being “tag” where one young will try to catch the other young acting as prey, and “mob” where all of the young will try to catch a single young who acts as the prey. This suggests an instinctive ability for both pack and solo hunting

- human young will often hone their stalking and hunting skills by hiding or attempting to sneak up on others and pouncing with loud sounds meant to intimidate and frighten. This is considered amusing for the attacker and victim  

- adult humans will often mock attack their young with their hands or objects to train the young to protect their vital areas and avoid injury. The young find this amusing and will quickly learn to train each other in this manner

- young humans will often attack and attach themselves to an older human’s legs, arms, or back, hanging on despite being dragged or carried while the adult human walks away. Both humans seems to find the experience entertaining 

- young humans are extremely territorial and will attempt to drive off others from food, toys, and areas they have claimed as theirs with physical and verbal attacks. Fortunately, most adult humans actively try to train this behavior out, insisting the young come to an agreement or share resources and territory. 

- young humans constantly search for new territory, dens, and resources. They will climb trees, shelving, anything they can reach. They will climb under and behind things. If there are no suitable hiding areas they will construct them out of blankets and cushions or any other available item. 

- young humans display a strong pack instinct, quickly forming social groups and defending their group against other groups. Often they will split their own group in order to mock battle each other in contests

- HUMAN YOUNG WILL BITE IF DISTRESSED OR ANGRY AND EMIT LOUD NOISES THAT CALL MATURE HUMANS TO AID THEM

- human young will beg for domesticated carnivores as companions, and if gifted with one will pack bond with it to an extreme point.

- human young will carry a toy and try to protect and nurture it as if the toy was their own young

- human young require constant stimulation in the form of games or information. They will constantly question things and can spend extraordinary amounts of time asking “why”, often while poking the subject in question

- human young will try to eat anything at least once. Anything. If it will fit into their mouth they will attempt to eat it. If it will not fit into their mouth they will lick it. 

-human young will voluntarily deprive themselves of oxygen to the point of unconsciousness in an attempt to trigger protective instincts in older humans so they get their way

- human young display great interest in mimicry, often dressing up as different professions, species, and objects. They also display great skill in mimicking the calls and body language of other species.        *Example: one human young had me quite concerned there was another Treawalbil in distress and I searched for quite some time before I discovered that the young was mimicking a Treawalbil distress trill with complete accuracy.       *Second Example: Human young have begun to wear wear “hats” with artificial crests similar to a Treawalbil and some have begun painting colorful patterns to their arms in imitation of our camouflage. 

- human young communicate constantly and spread information quickly not only among their own social group but other social groups as well.     *Example: The human young who mimicked a Treawalbil distress trill taught their social group and soon I was surrounded by human young calling out in distress. This caused the Treawalbil researchers much anxiety so the adult humans suggested teaching the young other calls. The human young learned enough for basic communication at an astonishing rate, but then other social groups we had not taught began using the same calls as well. Even adult humans began using the calls to communicate with us without translators. 

- Young humans will gift beings and creatures they believe to be in their social group with handmade objects, interesting specimens they have collected, or food. Strangely enough, a being does not have to be human in order to belong to a human’s social group. 

To the man who reminds me of a diamond - a gem that shines bright, is multifaceted, resilient, and the strongest stone in the world:

Kim Seokjin. You are the metaphorical equivalent of a gem so precious, you deserve to be treasured by every inch that makes you who you are. 

Thank you for everything.

We abducted humans.

To be fair, we abducted members of every new race. Abduct a small percentage of the population, expose them to some galactic prisoners, and we get a good idea of what germs, diseases, and viruses will make the jump between races. Do this over the course of a [roughly equivalent to a century], and you get a good idea of what there is, how quickly it mutates, etc. You also have the time to develop vaccines for any races that might be affected by the new race (including itself- we’re not heartless).

But we underestimated humans.

It was [roughly equivalent to four decades] into our testing of humanity. We picked up a human from his transport and placed him in a containment cell. He had some nutrients with him, and we picked that up too: less we had to feed him later.

But we underestimated the resourcefulness of humans.

Something went wrong- we think it was a door malfunction- and he escaped the cell. He disabled the guards easily (we suspect they were less alert than they should have been) and took their weapons. We locked all hatches, hoping to seal him in the laboratory wing. Unfortunately, he hacked the shipboard computer, gaining control of all systems. He made his way to the bridge, where he took the captain hostage. We offered him riches, technologies beyond human understanding.

But we underestimated the stubbornness of humans.

He was paid us no mind as he wrestled with the controls, as if on some quest. He punched numbers and figures into the console, and mumbled something about ‘being lit on fire’ by a superior. He set the ship down on the other side of the city from where he was picked up and opened the doors. We braced ourselves for a military confrontation, but it seemed like we were outside another human’s abode. He jumped out, carrying the nutrients with him.

We underestimated Domino’s 30-minute or free guarantee.

Definitely one of my favorites!

Okay but imagine Yuuri retires from competitive figure skating at 27, and he decides to go back to college to become a teacher.

So this boy walks into class sporting the just-rolled-out-of-bed look with the sex hair and the big comfy sweater and the starbucks cup in one hand.

And you know, he’s enjoying his life, he makes friends in his program and on the weekends he helps his husband teach cute little kids how to skate and they have this cozy little house together in a nice neighbourhood. He probably has girls and guys falling for him left and right.

And then one day, Yuuri’s out with his friends, and they’re at a cafe or something.

And a group of girls comes up to them, and they’re all blushing and nudging each other saying “You talk first!”.

So Yuuri just turns this absolutely blinding smile on them and asks, “Autographs?”

The girls squeak, and nod furiously.

“Sure!” he says, reaching out for the notebooks they’re holding out for him to sign.

And about ten minutes later, after several selfies and autographs and a lot of gushing and squealing and “Please let Viktor know we’re looking forward to Yuratchka’s upcoming season,” the girls leave.

So Yuuri turns back to his friends, and they’re all just staring at him with wide eyes and gaping mouths.

Yuuri kinda wonders if there’s something on his face.

The first thing that comes out of anyone’s mouths is, “…who’s Viktor?”

And Yuuri’s kinda confused as he replies, “….my husband?”

“YOU’RE MARRIED!?!?!?!?” his friends all shriek.

Yuuri looks down at his hand to make sure his ring is still there. “Yeah?” he says, holding his hand up.

“I thought that was just a fashion statement!” one of the girls exclaims.

“Why did they want your autograph though?” asks another of his friends, and Yuuri just looks away sheepishly.

“I’m…uh….a retired competitive figure skater?” he asks, his voice going higher with embarrassment. “And I…uh…got 2 golds in the Grand Prix…and 2 golds in Worlds….and maybe a silver in Pyeongchang?”

His voice gets progressively quieter as his face gets even redder.

His friends are staring at him in horror and shocked disbelief now.

And he thinks he might as well get it all out now.

“And…my husband might be the most decorated athlete in figure skating history?”

Fics based on this post:

A Name I’ve Heard Somewhere by GwenChan (@gwen-chan)

A Prince in Disguise by lourthor (@kurtdontcurr)

A Real Life Cinnamon Roll by Seito (@seitosokusha)

And the answer is… by nessiesaur

anonymous by eu_nao_sou_um_chapeu (@eu-nao-sou-um-chapeu)

Comfort Zone by BertholdvonMoosburg

Did I Forget to Mention… by nevereverever

Ethical Dilemmas in Sports Psychology: When Googling Your Friend Gets Weird by Adrianners (@adrianners)

How do you not know? by missykristy

icebreaker by Cesare

It’s like some surprisingly inclusive and irritatingly sugar-coated rom-com by RocioWrites (@rocioandthatsall)

Long time no see by ddugeun (@chukichi)

My Fun Fact Is: by stillmadaboutpetra

New Friends by viktuuri (@softvictory)

Now I Know by CassidyMoffett (@sweettigerotakureviews​)

Of College Classes and Googling Friends by IceIceSkaters

Outed By Victuuri Smut by Anonymous

Storytime: Celebrity Blindness by likestoimagine (@likestoimagine16)

Tale of the Russian Punk and the Japanese Cinnamon Roll by JamieAvenBell

The Internet Exists for a Reason by tomorrowsdreams

The Moment of Truth by little_miss_laughs_alot

The Secret Life of Professor Katsuki by FreakingOutGirl

This is Why You Google People by StarlightPhoenix (@cleverlittlejay)

Trivia Night by RinaRose (@marina-and-the-fandoms)

Wait, What? by @realisticallycynical 

Yuuri Katsuki-Induced Feels by @i-w-p-chan

~If you want to officially gift your work to me, my AO3/FFN penname is SkyGem!~

Tumblr posts/additions for this post:

Hilarious addition by @p3hero​

Adorable continuation by @deadlychildartemis​

Comic by @lauravian

On why Yuuri’s friends don’t know about Viktor by @blindiemac

Retirement au: Yura edition

Retirement au: Viktor edition by @rocioandthatsall

Translations of this post:

Italian by @randomwalksoul

Sometimes I consider making a cringe blog just for ARMY posts I find on Twitter and Facebook.