Justateenworkinglifeout - Just A Teen Trying To Figure Out Life

Confessions from an emotional abuse victim:

#4 Anniversaries

Trauma anniversaries are a hard thing to deal with. They can come from any sort of trauma/traumatic event, but mine are from my hospital stays and large arguments or events with my abuser. The hospital ones definitely suck, but they don't affect my everyday life as much as the abuse ones.

The hospital ones are mostly restricted to the past. I remember how I felt, or certain events that happened. Occasionally I get quick flashes of images in my head of what the place looked like. Yet overall, it's confined to the past and if I can manage the feelings or distract myself, I usually will be able to reduce the suffering until it goes away.

The abuse anniversaries are a whole different type of hell. Unlike the hospital trips, the events from the year or so with my abuser bother me constantly. Year round, 24/7. Not confined to moments of struggle or anniversaries, I get memories and bad thoughts all the time.

Anniversaries take that base level and crank it up to 1,000. My reactions to triggers get more and more violent, usually toward myself, but sometimes toward others. Any little trigger can set off my brain into unimaginable terror. It also affects my thoughts on myself and how I act. I become more startled by people treating me nicely, and just have the feeling that I don't deserve anything other than emotional torment from others.

These anniversaries affect my emotional health and my social life horribly. One specific example is the time I went on a midnight walk with some friends at a sleepover. We passed by my old middle school, where most of the events took place. This was on or near the anniversary of one of the worst fights I had with my abuser. When we got back to my friends house, I was a little stirred, then two hours afterwards, I had a terrible meltdown. Everyone around me was very kind, but it definitely felt horrible.

This time of year, I'm dealing with the anniversary of the day I fully fell into my abuser's trap. I'm questioning all my interactions with others and scanning my every move as to not bother anyone. If someone around me feels bad, or apologizes, or seems off in any way, I put the blame onto myself.

I wish I could frame this one as a more positive, uplifting, never-give-up type of post, there isn't really a way I can do that in my current stage of recovery. I guess all I can say is; trauma anniversaries are valid triggers, and if you know a friend or loved one is approaching a hard time of year for them, be kind and supportive. Trauma affects many people in many ways, and not everyone experiences it the same way, but the best thing to do is show kindness and compassion.

also I got a tattoo partially re-coloured today and they bandaged me in veterinary wrap like I'm a sick horse

The fact that this is pretty much canon is hilarious

Hi

'I want to go on a walk or ride my bike!'

*remembering that it's cold as fuck outside and I'm already in pain and very fatigued*

'Actually I'm not gonna do that nevermind'

starting a collection #blackmold

My first Tumblr post, a little drawing I did of some of my friend group's favorite Pokémon! It was kind of an impulsive idea so not the best executed, the cheap fineliner I used bled pretty badly on the printer paper, and the proportions are all sorts of wacky, but I still think it's cute.

When you look up at the time on your phone and remember school exists

I cut my finger with an X-acto blade in art class second period, and didn't notice all day until my pen leaked onto my hands in fourth period and stained the cut. (Also the pen was red so I've been walking around with my hands covered in red ink and I've had acquaintances ask if I was okay, and many friends accuse me of murder)