Justateenworkinglifeout - Just A Teen Trying To Figure Out Life

Confessions from an emotional abuse victim:

#5 Kind Gestures

After spending so much time with either the absence of kindness from others, or with kindness always being conditional, you tend to forget the feeling of having someone truly care about you and be kind to you.

Depending on the situation, my brain will go into one of two modes when being showed kindness. I will either immediately become paranoid and worry about what I will need to do to repay it, or just completely short circuit and become confused.

The urge to repay tends to come when it's someone I don't know very well being kind, or when I'm given compliments. I start to wonder how I'm supposed to make the miniscule amount of energy that they need to use to be nice worth it for them.

When I react with confusion, it's usually either with someone who I know well or it's a really big gesture that means a lot. After being treated horribly for so long and having my sense of self-worth chipped away at, I sometimes have trouble comprehending why someone believes I am worth caring about and going out of their way to be nice to me.

Most of the time for them it's just something casual and simple, that they just feel is good to do, but for me it's a whole new healing experience every time. Getting past my initial confusion is hard, but it's worth it because once I can accept it, it opens an amazing point of view and helps me truly understand the fact that I am worth caring about (which is something people tell me and I try to tell myself, but is still hard to fully grasp)

The kindness of all these new friends I've met since I started high school is one of the biggest things I have to thank for aiding my recovery. Whether they've helped me through hard moments, or have just been a good friend to talk to and hang out with, these people and their kind gestures mean so much to me.

I don't even know how to deal with my life right now. Nothing I can do except try to survive.

There are no words that I could ever use to fully describe how much I hate the US healthcare system.

I'm a teenager. I should be worrying about the grade I'm gonna get on my math test, not if asking to go to the doctor for the excruciating pain in my legs will make it so my family can't afford food.

I shouldn't be feeling guilty for going to the hospital for mental health care four times two years ago. I should feel happy that I'm in a better place because I've made progress, not because it means I won't make my parents spend money on that anymore.

I should be able to be a teenager. I'd love a life without health issues, but I know that's not possible. What is possible is a world where I can focus on getting better without even thinking twice about asking for care. A world where people don't end up dying because they can't afford treatment. A world where I'm worried about my condition because it's not good for me, not because I don't want my family to struggle financially.

I told my friends some stories from my life and they told me I have "insane lore". I thought that I didn't have that much, so I made a list of random events and I'm starting to see it...

also I got a tattoo partially re-coloured today and they bandaged me in veterinary wrap like I'm a sick horse

I went on a date today and she found out I made the bike comic

I was out this this cute girl and I think we were really hitting it off, then she asked what kind of comics I make. I told her, and then as she looked at them on her phone, recognition came over her face.

Her: "oh...OH MY GOD... ARE YOU THE BIKE CUCK GUY???"

Me: "Y-yeah..."

Her: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Her: "WAIT, HOLD ON, I GOTTA SHOW MY FRIENDS THIS."

She asked the people at the table behind us if she could borrow one of their phones for a second to pull up something on the browser. Then she held their phone somewhat in front of hers and took a photo of me along with it.

I never asked for the photo so here is my approximate recreation of what I think it looked like:

She was busy texting seemingly all of her friends as we finished our meals and stood up, when I decided to pipe up again.

Me: "Um, y-you know wh-what would make the happiness in the world increase..."

She looked up from her phone with a sly smile.

Her: "What?"

Me: "I-if...if we k-- um, kissed..."

Her amused smile slowly descended into an absolutely indiscernible neutral expression.

then, after a pause

it rose again into a smile

Her: "You... are so cute. Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you."

I closed my eyes tight, and gently puckered my lips, bracing for a kiss.

Then she slapped my ass so hard that there is still a palm print on it.

Things they never mention when you cut off someone as a middle schooler:

Sometimes, it can take years to realize how bad things were.

You start out thinking that you just didn't click. Then you begin thinking of it as toxic. Then you start realizing it was manipulative. Then after 3 years, you can finally see it for what it was. You were being abused. It was an abusive relationship.

But you can't go around and say that. After all, you were both 13 and you didn't even date or anything. You were just friends. And sure he was bad to you, but didn't you mess up a bit too?

People tend to make their assumptions and tune out the rest of the story once you bring up that it was in seventh grade.

Meanwhile every time you have to see him in class, you die inside a little more. He makes eye contact with you once and you're in a state of panic for the rest of the week. You're scared that one day he's going to try and do something else- get revenge on you for rebelling against his control and refusing to be his little puppy anymore.

You walk the halls in terror. He could be anywhere, any time, ready to get back at you. He's tested the waters and learned how badly you fear him. He seems to take joy in that.

All your friends swear they would protect you, but you know they wouldn't be able to intervene quick enough to avoid any damage being done- mental or physical. You know that he's still stronger and more set in his views. He wouldn't lose any fight against you, it doesn't matter if he chooses words or fists.

You live in fear. Some don't believe you, others don't fully understand. Some swear to protect you, others seem to think you would deserve it. But no matter what, the only thing you know for sure is that if something happens, you are completely, and utterly, fucked.