MCU As Quotes Vol. 10: Movies As John Mulaney

"Aim high. You may still miss the target but at least you won't shoot your foot off."

- Clint Barton

Loki at Midtown Tech: I have come to kidnap my adopted gremlin friend

Office Lady: I’m not sure who you mean. Would you like to ask over the PA system?

Loki: I would love too.

Loki into the mic: Hey gremlin, we’re gonna fight a god and kick his ass. And then we’re gonna cause mischief with the vent bird

Meanwhile in Peter’s classroom

Teacher: Well that was weird. Probably someone playing a prank...Peter, why are you getting up?

Peter: I’m gonna fight a god, kick ass and cause mischief with the vent bird. It helps a snake and spider de-stress.

Teacher: You know what? I don’t care anymore. “Fight a god” as long as you get your work done.

Ned after a moment: snake... snake... Wait, does that mean that was Loki?!

I carry around a lot of random stuff.

Levy, DMing: You lose your balance and fall backwards. As you land, you hear something in your bag break.

Gajeel, remembering he had four jars of live bees in his bag: Oh no.

“What do you know about infectious diseases?” -teacher

“They spread” -person

“Does that make sluts diseases?” -me

Tony: Thor, we can’t let Loki on Earth.

Thor: Why not?

Tony: Because he’s dangerous. He could kill us all.

Loki: So’s Natasha.

Natasha: He’s not wrong. [shrugs]

Tony: Well, he has magic and is unpredictable.

Wanda: Oh, so magic users can’t control themselves?

Loki: Wow, Tony, way to generalize an entire race.

Strange: If I recall, you were the one to turn against Wanda-

Tony: NO! Guys, I thought we were-[sigh] Okay, well he’s an ex-convict.

Scott: As a habitual ex-convict, my ant army and I find that offensive!

Loki: We have feelings, Tony.

So Zeus without all his dick children

Hey not to sound evil, but if I had the power to cast lightnin bolt on anyone I wanted, I'd use it on people who inconvenience me even slightly

“Sometimes words aren’t enough and that’s why we have middle fingers.”

- Clint.

Freed and Bickslow turn around hearing a crunch.

Laxus: My mouth is a candy crush

Freed internally screaming in indecipherable gay

Freed: Gentle reminder to not eat too much candy before bed.

Bickslow: No.

Freed: This was a gentle reminder, yet your words of defiance full me with ungodly rage.

“Not you”

And Carol walks in the door drinking Starbucks.

Peter: *comes home at 2 am*

Tony: where were you?

Peter: with cap

Cap: *turns his chair * wanna try again?

Clint: There’s only four ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way, the Nat way, and the Clint way.

Rest of the Avengers : ???

Clint: The Nat way is the faster way to the right way, the Clint way just creates another problem to cover the original problem, which leads to a snowball of problems no one understands.