The Mirror

ungodly

Megan Follows as Anne and Schuyler Grant as Diana Barry in Anne of Green Gables (1985) [*], Anne Of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery (Chapter XV ), Bosom Friends: Lesbian Desire in L. M. Montgomery’s Anne Books by Laura Robinson, Little Ditty About Anne and Diana by Daniel Mallory Ortberg, Interview with Megan Follows

Sophocles, Elektra (trans. Anne Carson)

adam’s kisses are always reflect exactly what he feels. no jokes, no bullshit. when he kisses, he is trying to say something with it from the very moment he begins to lean in. to adam kisses are one of the many ways he can express what he’s feeling towards certain people. with blue, he was never able to say all of the things he felt, nor could he convey them through a kiss. sometimes he regrets it, other times he’s a bit glad he didn’t have the chance to let blue completely see into him that way. with ronan it was so much different. with ronan, adam is completely unable to hold back. he’s speaking a thousand words per second with each kiss and ronan, a master of all languages understands it all. 

ronan’s kisses are softer than anticipated. ronan is a boy that shines from miles away without even trying to, a true child of the moon in the fact that not all the beauty in him is due to the light of those surrounding him,  but they do illuminate him in ways he couldn’t achieve on his own. this is not a well known fact unless you are one of his close friends, so when adam and ronan kiss for the first time, adam isn’t completely surprised. he knows ronan more than ronan thinks he does, but he is still taken aback by the way ronan melted into him, easily accepting and taking all adam had to give. in ronan’s opinion there was no room for him to put up walls when it was between him and adam, adam and him. and though ronan did not have any secrets to share through kisses the way adam did, their kisses were still very much a conversation. adam would pour words into every kiss “i need you, i need this, we need each other” and ronan would press back, his arms around adam’s neck, his hips pressed into adam’s, and the way he’d bite down on adam’s lip, everything was an answer. every move was a thousand “yeses” spilling back into adam.

So we have a lot of ‘Sirius is beautiful and my word does he know it, his hair is his favourite thing and he revels in the glory of his own splendour’.

But I’m just laughing at the idea of a completely oblivious Sirius who is too busy being hyperactive to ever pay any real attention to what he looks like in the mirror- I mean the boy brushes his teeth sat on the counter chatting rapid fire to the others (much to ‘Fuck Mornings, Fuck You, Fuck Everything’ Remus’s ire), or bouncing around the dorm flinging stuff in his bag. He doesn’t ever really brush his hair- there’s a charm to do that, and then he doesn’t actually have to watch what he’s doing because who has time to actually look at their hair? And it all gets in his fucking face anyway- he keeps it long partially because his mother claims it looks unruly and partially because he just can’t be fucked getting it cut, but one evening in the common room he’s tucking it behind his ears to do his Transfiguration for the 7th time in quarter of an hour and angrily says he’s just going to chop it all off, and there are literally about 15 people around the room (including Remus) who just go ‘NO!’ and then look really awkward but he can not cut it- just that casual elegant way it falls into his eyes and it’s all wavy and silky and so so so pretty, and Lily comes to the aid of Remus like ‘Well Muggle mythology says there was this lion called Sampson, and when they cut off his mane he lost his power. So you shouldn’t cut it off- it’s unlucky. Here, have a hairband.’ and he thinks it’s very odd behaviour but like Ok, fine, people are weird.

And he knows he’s charming because he charms people all the time, and he’s a massive flirt but that’s just because he likes people and it makes him happy to talk to people in a way that makes them feel good about themselves, and it makes him happy to see the smiles and bitten lips and slight flushes that say they’re flattered because it’s nice to make people feel good (except Snape, obviously), and if it means he can worm his way out of detention or get drinks for him and the lads at The Three Broomsticks then so much the better, but he just does not understand why not everyone finds it as easy as he does? Like he tells Peter to get the next round in, tells him what to say to Rosie to get her to forget they’re 16, and Pete comes back really dejected like ‘I said what you told me and it didn’t work’. And Sirius is really confused by this like ‘What, but you said the exact same thing I just said?’

And really why do girls giggle so much? Do they do that all the time? Why? At least Evans is normal, but some of the others actually freak him out a bit, and truth be told sometimes the blokes are no better. And it becomes a massive inside thing, especially amongst the Gryffindors, like ‘Someone should tell him he’s a fucking adonis.’ ‘What? No way! His ego’s just fine as is- don’t inflate it any more.’ ‘But he’s so pretty it’s just wrong for him not to realise.’ ‘No! If you tell him, maybe he’ll turn really picky…’ ‘You do realise he is so picky already that he has literally never had a girlfriend?’ ‘Oh come on, he’s been pining after Remus Lupin for years!’

And it’s just something that’s never really occurred to him- to be bothered about what he looks like. Maybe it’s so many years of an abusive home being looked at like he’s dirt, but he’s got a remarkable resistance and ignorance towards the way people look at him, good or bad. And it’s only really Remus who breaks past that. Because he’s got such eerily perceptive eyes, it’s just like he’s looking right into your soul, and it’s sort of uncomfortable and it makes his skin go all crawly but he loves it- it’s a sort of adrenaline rush to feel so totally exposed, and he feels like Remus likes what he sees when he looks at him like that. He feels valued and important and special, like the way it makes him smile to make other people feel, only so much more intense, and when, eventually, Remus is brushing that bloody fucking hair out of his eyes and down his cheek and says he’s beautiful, he feels like maybe he is. And it’s got absolutely nothing to do with the way he looks in the mirror.

You wake in the night with your arm hanging over the side of your bed. It is still dark, and your bedroom is shrouded in deep shadow. Something unseen seizes your hand.

You grasp it tightly, knowing that first impressions are important and a firm, confident handshake will establish dominance.

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