Instagram Credit: Comewithkris

do not know how to word my feelings on your post, but it feels very strange to say that because your DID experiences are misery, that means DID itself is miserable, and to imply that non-DID-having bodies can't experience being a system is weird.

yes, what you went through sounds awful, and yes, DID to you would be miserable, but DID does not mean misery. it means (some level of) disorder. for people who are polyfragmented (especially through things like RAMCOA/TBMC), yes, this CAN mean a LOT of misery, but us systems who do not suffer with that same level of misery aren't less of a system because of that difference.

while you can explain your experiences as more painful in your perspective, playing trauma olympics and denying other people's own experiences is weird. it's heavily invalidating, especially as someone who would probably fall under a disordered traumagenic diagnosis, and who loves their system and who sees it as hope and not misery (as it is the light in the darkness, the company that protected me through terrible things. that is not misery for me)

(also, most endogenic systems are not claiming to have DID, not self diagnosed or professionally diagnosed. it is a different kind of plural systemhood that is not connected to having DID. so to say that being endogenic is taking away "everything that DID is about" is just... strange.)

I am not playing the trauma Olympics by saying that what I went through makes me miserable. For you to suggest acknowledging my existence as a trauma survivor is invalidating is really not good.

Also I should clarify: you can love parts and even most of your system, but you cannot deny the fact that it is born out of misery and so it is not all sunshine and rainbows. It comes with PTSD, or one of its forms.

Also, endogenic is taking away everything DID is about because the only scientifically recognized way to be a system is with either DID (or a variant like HC or C), OSDD-1, or UDD. And these, like all dissociative disorders, are trauma disorders. To me being endogenic has always meant cherry picking a glamorized version of the symptoms of these disorders, as I said in the post.

Gentle reminder that sharing what your disability is completely up to you no matter how “visibly” disabled you are. No one should make you disclose what your disability is to anyone you’re not comfortable with. You can choose to say as much or as little as you want.

Do you have any resources for RAMCOA? Resources for like...the types of programs and stuff like that. We're going through things and trying to research and pinpoint things, but finding resources has been absolute hell. If you get this twice, I'm sorry. Our tumblr is kind of shit.

Hello! I have several resources that I think may be helpful to you:

This document (LINK) of "rare programs" and their descriptions, posted by @killercatboys.

Chapters 4 and 7 of Becoming Yourself by Alison Miller (LINK) discuss programming and chapter 7 includes an anecdote with specific programs and definitions. The entire book is really a great read and is geared towards survivors of RAMCOA, just be sure to take it slow and take care of yourself.

Common Programs Observed in Survivors of Satanic Ritualistic Abuse by David W. Neswald (LINK) - massive trigger warning for suicide, self-harm, and abuse.

Spin Programming: A Newly Uncovered Technique of Systematic Mind Control by John D. Lovern (LINK) - includes symptoms, implementation, and uses of spin programs; trigger warning for abuse/torture methods.

Healing the Unimaginable by Alison Miller (LINK) is geared towards therapists and professionals and includes more in-depth information about RAMCOA than Becoming Yourself does. Again, massive trigger warning throughout the book for RAMCOA.

Kinds of Torture Endured in Ritual Abuse and Trauma-Based Mind Control by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) - partial list of torture methods used in RAMCOA; trigger warning for abuse, near-death, and torture.

Mind Control: Simple to Complex by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) - describes twelve "stages" of mind control and programming, going from outward compliance to torture/trauma-based mind control; trigger warning for descriptions of abuse.

Some Indicators of Trauma-Based Mind Control Programming by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) provides common indicators of TBMC; most survivors of programming will have many of these indicators, but their presence does not prove the existence of TBMC and their absence does not prove that one has not experienced TBMC.

Adult and Adolescent Indicators of Ritual Trauma by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) provides indicators of ritual abuse in teens and adults; as with the last bullet point, their presence does not prove ritual abuse and their absence does not disprove it.

Child Indicators of Ritual Abuse Trauma in Play and Art by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) provides potential indicators of ritualized abuse in children and pre-teens; as with the previous two bullet points, their presence does not prove ritual abuse and their absence does not disprove it.

what are the first steps you would recommend for someone who thinks they may have gone through RA/OA/RAMCOA?

Here's some tips that I and others have recommended. I want to emphasize that I am not a professional, just a survivor with experience and some research under my belt. What helped me may not be what helps you.

Track! Your! Symptoms! This is the best advice I can give you. RAMCOA is all about repetition and patterns, and being able to look at reoccurring symptoms on specific dates, times, triggers, etc. can give you a clue into what happened. If you are a system/pwDID/pwOSDD, see if certain alters/parts show up in specific ways too.

Do not try to figure it all out now. Don't overanalyze everything, don't obsess over every detail, don't scour your system (if you have one) for information. You will not learn everything right away. If you did experience RAMCOA, you may experience some severe internal retaliation for pushing too hard, and no one deserves to be hurt. It's a hard lesson to learn; everyone wants to solve all the mysteries as fast as they can, but it's infeasible.

Similarly, don't overload yourself with external information. It's almost compulsive at first, the want to research and explore the topic, but that can create some issues. You can end up triggering yourself (RAMCOA related or general trauma related), accidentally mess with your own memories, and you won't retain much at first. I'd recommend only baby steps at first when it comes to research, and specifically overview sites and not journal articles or case studies. Give yourself a break. It's scary and stressful to go through all of it.

Don't worry about the lingo yet, either. RAMCOA survivors use a lot of specific terminology and I promise, if you choose to, you'll learn it in time. You can also ask here or other blogs about what stuff like "screen memories" or "CSEC" or "Beta" mean. It's unfortunately a big barrier to entry with these communities but don't stress too much about it.

Find community. A lot of spaces for RAMCOA survivors are specifically welcoming to unsure folk, and encourage questions and discussions. If you come off anon/DM, I can guide you to spaces (primarily private Discord servers) that are run by knowledgeable people who aren't old conspiracy theorists, as it seems most spaces these days are.

What you remember may be confusing, contradictory, outlandish, or downright impossible; this doesn't mean you're faking or a liar. Abusers are known to mess with their victims memories, and this goes double during RAMCOA. Costumes, stage magic, film or music, and flat out lies are all in the toolkit. Additionally, factors like dissociation, (often forced) substance use, dehydration & hunger, lack of sleep, etc. can warp memories. Don't take what you recall at face value, but don't throw it away, either. "Crazy" memories are often substitute beliefs or smokescreens that when re-examined, tell a "more true" story. And it's okay if it turns out you didn't experience RAMCOA at all. You're not faking our a liar in that case, either.

Our story was different than most; instead of suddenly remembering trauma, we always knew we experienced what we did, we just didn't have the words for it. (Especially since our situation uncomfortably straddled the line of "too organized to be considered 'normal' CSA, but not organized enough to be considered a formal group whatsoever".) We found that communities online have been a lifesaver in navigating our past, present, and future as survivors.

Take care! Aisling

For DID awareness day, I want to bring awareness to the vast spectrum of DID and OSDD symptoms. I feel like the symptoms of these disorders are often misunderstood. Many people assume that DID and OSDD are such extreme rollercoaster disorders when that’s usually not the case for any mental disorder! I’ve also seen others who believe that DID/OSDD are just having alters and not liking them–which is also not an accurate portrayal!

The DSM’s criteria of alters, amnesia, and distress/impairment aren’t meant to be taken at the surface level. These are very simple descriptors for a spectrum of experiences that are the hallmarks of the disorders. Besides that, there are many, many more symptoms that are very common. No two people with DID or OSDD are going to be exactly the same; I think that goes for any mental disorder.

Below, I’ve written up a non-exhaustive list of common symptoms in DID/OSDD. It’s important to know that many of these symptoms can overlap with other mental disorders. DID/OSDD symptoms are always unrelated to other medical conditions or non-disordered experiences, such as substance use or epilepsy. Furthermore, these are common but not required; a person does not need to experience all of these things to have DID/OSDD.

(PLEASE don’t use this list to diagnose yourself. Seek a professional if you are questioning a mental disorder!)

Common symptoms of DID/OSDD:

C-PTSD symptoms

Since DID/OSDD are more complex forms of PTSD, you or other alters might experience the symptoms of complex PTSD. Check this PDF for the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Memory gaps

You might find that your memory is unreliable. You might lose a lot of details or misremember the important bits.

You might have difficulty piecing together a coherent timeline of your life. You might struggle to retell what your childhood or adolescence was like.

You might have moments where you’re unable to remember important life events, such as the day you got married.

You might find that sometimes you can’t remember important information about yourself or about those closest to you. This could include things such as your name or who your family members are.

You might find that you sometimes forget well-learned skills, such as driving or a favorite hobby.

You may find that sometimes you can’t even remember more recent things, such as what you did today or what the last conversation you had was about.

You might have moments where you discover evidence of your memory gaps, such as text messages you don’t remember sending or purchases you don’t remember deliberating.

There might have been times when you ended up in a different place but could not remember how you got there.

Someone might have told you that you did or said something that you don’t recall.

You might have moments where you don’t even remember the times you have forgotten things. Because of this, you may feel like you don’t truly know how much memory loss you actually experience.

Depersonalization & derealization

You might experience moments where you don’t feel in control of what you’re saying or doing.

You might feel like your body is unrecognizable, unreal, or doesn’t reflect who you are.

Familiar places, objects, and people might suddenly become unfamiliar or detached to you. Alters might feel things like “those are the host’s parents, not mine.”

You might have moments where you feel like you are in a dream or a fog. 

There might be times when watching your surroundings seems no realer than watching a movie.

You might have moments where you feel unreal. You might feel like you are invisible, two-dimensional, or a robot.

You might feel numbed to or detached from your body parts, thoughts, emotions, sense of agency, or even your entire self. 

You might sometimes experience heightened or muted visual/auditory distortions with no medical cause, such as blurry vision, muffled sounds, or tunnel vision.

Sometimes might you feel like you are watching yourself, as if you are having an out of body experience.

Being an alter & having alters

You might feel confused or distressed because you do not identify with the things that people associate your whole identity with such as name, personality, opinions, or preferences.

You might feel confused or distressed because you do not identify with the same age, gender, or species as your body.

You might feel confused or distressed that your physical body does not reflect how you feel you should look.

There might be other alters who feel the same way above but differently from you, and this may also confuse and distress you.

You might not be able to access same skills, knowledge, or talents that other alters have.

Others might tell you that you sometimes act very differently, almost like different people.

You might hear voices, such as voices arguing or commenting on your actions.

There might be times when you experience intrusive thoughts, visual images, feelings, or urges that don’t actually belong to you but to another alter.

There might be times where your body seems to be moving and speaking on its own because another alter is controlling it.

You might have moments where you involuntarily switch to a vulnerable alter. Sometimes this may result in an unsafe or distressing situation.

There might be alters who are be unaware of other alters’ existence or refuse to believe so.

There might be alters who struggle to communicate with other alters or refuse to do so.

There might be alters who have suicidal thoughts, physically harm the body, or engage in risky behavior.

There might be alters who dislike or lash out at other alters within the system.

There might be alters who still carry onto memories, thoughts, feelings, or behaviors related to past trauma.

The alters within the system may have contradicting thoughts, preferences, and opinions.

You might sometimes have difficulty making cooperative decisions with your system because of conflicting desires, needs, and perceptions.

You might have episodes where you feel like you don’t know who you are, like you’re a combination of alters, or that you’re just not like yourself.

Somatoform dissociation

You might sometimes experience pain or sensations that don’t have a medical cause, such as “switching headaches.”

You might sometimes go catatonic or become paralyzed without a medical cause.

You might sometimes experience the loss of a physical function without a medical cause, such as your sight, hearing, speech, or feelings of hunger.

Sometimes, it might feel like you are numbing out pain or sensations.

You might experience other conditions without any medical cause, such as pseudoseizures.

Other symptoms

You might experience hallucinations or delusions, usually related to past trauma.

You might feel afraid or shamed of the possibility of others finding out your thoughts.

When someone asks you to describe who you are as a person, you might feel at a loss for what to say.

You might experience mood fluctuations or like your moods sometimes come out of the blue.

You might have difficulty being aware of your own symptoms or describing the severity of them. This might be because you have had them for so long that you are used to navigating life with these symptoms.

Disorders that are commonly comorbid with DID/OSDD:

Borderline personality disorder

Depression

Anxiety disorders

Substance abuse disorders

Eating disorders

Sleep disorders

Keep reading

People can jump on my ass all they want for this but it’s actually super shitty to treat a RAMCOA survivor like shit because they share too much information. And I don’t mean being angry at them, I mean harassing them, bullying them, and refusing to respect them as a survivor even if you don’t like them as a person.

You need to keep in mind that despite the risks of what they’re doing, they still went through these things. They suffered and still suffer. And above all. They’re a human being. Be fucking considerate of that.

Do you have any resources for figuring out if you've experienced OA or just resources about OA in general?

Cw: mention of gangs and trafficking, neglect, sadism, torture.

We ourselves just started to realize we also experienced OA and it's been a hellish discovery to realize. It should've been obvious but in out case it was a mix of not knowing the definition and not remembering enough.

Defining Organized Abuse (OA)

taken from a previous post here

Organized abuse is abuse done by two or more people in a pre-meditated nature. The most well known forms of OA are things such as trafficking and gangs. However this can also happen in other situations. If someone has two parents who have conspired purposefully together in order to do excessive harm to a child- that can count as OA. If two or more people conspire and plan and enact abuse upon you- it is... OA regardless if it is part of some greater group or not. The abuse must be repeated (more than one incident) and sadistic/cruel- often going far enough to be considered torture. It does not need to be done in the name of any ideology and may just be done for personal gratification or sadism.

How to know if you experienced it?

This is a super personal thing and depends on what you can remember of your trauma typically. You may have signs that make it seem like you could have experienced but it's nothing that can be 100% certain. If two or more people conspired to attack or abuse you it is a form of organized abuse. There will obviously be different levels of extremity and how large of groups are involved or not, but the nature of planned and pre-meditated abuse with multiple perpetrators differs enough from experiences that happen outside of that framework that it falls enough another category. That category being OA. We sadly cannot tell you if you have experienced something or not. And sometimes it can just be a nagging suspicion for a while.

If you have knowledge that a trafficking ring was busted later on in a place you once lived or was partially busted, be willing to be open to the idea you could have been involved if you were at risk to a reasonable degree of coming into contact with them. For us it was sever neglect making us an easy target. Or if you have gang activity in the area, and seem to know a lot more about gangs than the normal person does and have massive triggers around it more so than would be expected just from being in areas that have it- chances are you might have experienced something there too. But that doesn't make it a 100% chance either. It is just something to be aware of as a possibility and if it didn't happen you may have been adjacent enough or made aware at some point then forgot of the stuff happening in your area, which is also deeply traumatic and would be good to be aware of.

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We're not in a place where we can do much in depth research into it due to our own mental state currently so we will not be providing resources or links as we do not like pushing things out without having read them first and we cannot bring ourselves to read things that can get too close to specifics we experienced.

Note: Seeing as you are not fully certain if you have experienced this or not please do be careful. Wait to look into this until you're in an emotionally stable place. Especially the resources/information as they pretty much are bound to contain triggering content. If you feel off, bad, dissociative, or triggered, close the tab maybe turn off the device and calm down and wait at least a day to go back (we'd suggest longer but I know sometimes it's hard).

⚠️TW- Talks of Death⚠️

However. However while it's true an alter within headspace cannot truly die and more goes into a "slumber" aka dormancy there are actual ways alters can "die".

•An alter who was front and experienced a near death experience might turn into a ghost alter

•An alter who has been dormant for so long and their amnesia walls are so high up could be considered dead

•For our System we have a Purgatory meaning that alters who no longer wish to be within the System will go into Purgatory where memories are "erased" and essentially are declared "deceased" as they no longer take front nor do they consider themselves to be associated with main Inner World, the Side System or even Subsystems.

•Purgatory Example-

Two of our alters/headmates were once considered to be "mortal" one is an adult trauma holder and another is a Little trauma holder.

The adult holder experienced a near death experience when front and in the Inner World got pushed into Purgatory. This one alter is the only alter that managed to escape from Purgatory with memories in tact.

The other alter to essentially "die" is our Little holder. This Little became a zombie. This Little willingly placed themselves in Purgatory due to the high stress of trauma.

These are just two possible examples plus one special of how an alter within headspace could "die" however an alter dying in the Inner World and no longer being of an existence is not possible as even if they turn into an undead or ghost alter they're still within the head.

The one and only way alters can truly die, cease to exist is when the body dies. With DID alters are created by and from the brain due to trauma. When humans pass, the brain will no longer function along with the rest of the body. This is the only way and how alters can truly die

Can you describe or explain what an emotional flashback is? I wanna have that level of awareness too. I was listening to sad music and disassociating too.

Emotional Flashbacks are one of the hallmark symptoms of CPTSD and one of the things that differentiates it from PTSD. 

In PTSD and typical flashbacks you flashback to an event and are re-experiencing that event as an explicit memory. In typical flashbacks you are experiencing a specific memory of an event. 

In CPTSD and Emotional Flashbacks you flashback to an emotional state without a clear memory of the event that caused this state. So you are experiencing the emotions tied to the traumatic event without remembering the event itself. 

This makes it harder to recognize that you are experiencing a flashback because you seem to just feel bad for no reason, especially if you don’t realize that you were triggered. People with CPTSD sometimes can’t remember specific traumatic events because trauma was long term and a part of their daily life, and/or because the trauma began at such an early age. 

To give a more clear example, I recognized that I was having an emotional flashback today because I was feeling frozen, helpless, powerless, and as if my actions would have no impact on the world around me. 

Just recognizing that you are having an emotional flashback can be helpful, but grounding techniques that pull you back into the present are especially helpful. Once I realized I was in an emotional flashback I turned off the sad music and tried to reorient myself to the present. 

Writing this reply to you has actually been very grounding. 

Coping Mechanisms Masterlist

Thoughts to break the cycle

this is temporary if I believe it is

I AM NOT my perception, or my thoughts

I am the observer of the thoughts

my mind is protecting me and is stressed from not knowing how to fix it. Thank you for protecting me but it will be okay

the negative thoughts are just a symptom of depression, dissociation/dpdr, c-ptsd, or anxiety or all of the above

thoughts are just like another one of the 5 senses. Like how you can perceive textures, smells, tastes, sounds. Your thoughts allow you to perceive an experience. But you are not your nose. You are not your mouth. You are not your ears. You are not your hand it’s just a hand that’s connected to your body. And so You are not your thoughts. You’re the one experiencing these sensations you are not the sensations.

Even if you genetically are predisposed or your genetics or brain chemistry has caused the issue. Especially in this case your thoughts do not define who you are they are just a reaction your brain is creating to protect you from something it thinks is a threat.

self hate and depression is a coping mechanism: your body wants you to be better, to be perfect to avoid something negative that hurts and self hate is the way it decided to go but it doesn’t have to be that way. Tell your mind “thank you” and “I love you but it’s okay.” “We are safe” and “I am enough.”

I try to remember my goals: how I want to be happy, the things I want to add to my life that will make me feel calmer and happier. (If you don’t have any goals or ideas think of anything you want in this world to achieve, or learn, or earn and write it down and imagine how it would feel if you had it right now. It helps push you to realize you can shape your life how you want)

that someone in this world loves you. If you can’t name anyone. Your own body loves you. It keeps you alive and gives you the ability to experience things like eating yummy food, being able to pet an animal and feel how soft their fur is, being able to look up at the sky and see stars or clouds. Simple every day things that we take for granted because we get so stressed out from life and drama. Sometimes we forget we could lose our eyesight and we wouldn’t be able to see things or people that we love. We could get injured and never be able to walk, run or jump again. We could lose our ability to breathe and be hooked up to a ventilator. I like to write down anything I can think of to be grateful for everyday in my journal and it makes me feel less depressed, less anxious,and excited to be able to just .. be alive especially when I want to not be alive anymore

I remind myself that when I was a baby I didn’t have any thoughts I didn’t know shit. The way I grew up and had to experience life made it so I perceive life the way I do. I like to imagine if I was a blank slate what are the different ways I could look at my life? What are the ways I can decide to look at situations or myself? People don’t just wake up and love themselves they were taught to feel loved. Just like how we don’t wake up with these negative self hateful thoughts. We got them from somewhere. We can choose if we want to still believe our perceptions or not. But learning to be happy and to love ourself is like a skill. Just like how learning to hate ourselves took time and repeated experiences.

Self care / Self love activities

imagining an older version of myself comforting present me. And imagining myself currently to comfort past me during traumatic moments

bubble baths

napping with soothing audios, or sleep meditations

walking outside

calling a friend

visiting a family member or friend

Write yourself a note when you’re happy to yourself and read it when you’re upset

Make a voice memo give future you a pep talk, positive affirmations, or even guided meditations and listen to it when you’re upset

lighting a candle and writing down an intention and meditating or you can pray if you believe in a god or have a religion. Or if you just believe in the universe and law of attraction

journaling

cleaning or tidying up a little

eating a yummy but healthy snack

cooking or baking

(if I’m severely not okay) holding an ice cube, running my hands in cold water and splashing the water in my face, taking a cold shower, taking a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it back

reading a book

watching my favorite tv show or movie

watching a comedy

playing music and forcing myself to dance (when I’m alone of course 😅)

yoga

exercising

watching cute animal videos on YouTube

Singing in the shower

Adult coloring books

some type of video about philosophy that reminds me that I’m not alone and we are all lost

some type of video that reminds me how beautiful life can be

some type of video that reminds me that I’m not in control of my circumstance, my genetics, or the world but I’m in control of how I react that I’m the one that gives power to my thoughts

Breaking thought patterns, bad habits and doing self care every day helps immensely. Over time it gets easier and easier to feel okay and to even feel happy. But never stop doing these things for the rest of your life. You either feed the negative thoughts or you feed the positive. You either feed the negative habits or you feed the bad. You get to choose. Seek help, and be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t linear.