I Don't Know Anything

Random hotel

colored pencils on paper

Los Angeles 2019

I had nightmares again last night and woke up exhausted. Why does my mind do that to itself?

Totally unrelated, I drew these random hotels a few years back. I like the colors. And the textures.

The other Random Hotel

colored pencil on paper

Los Angeles 2018

The Band - The Weight

ballpoint pen and alcohol

Calbayog City 2024

I was fortunate enough to see The Band's farewell concert at the Hollywood Bowl in 1976. My friend's mother was a reporter for the LA Times and she had guest tickets but she couldn't go so she gave the tickets to us. It turned out the tickets were for the VIP section! What a great show. There we were, three crazy young hippies, high on peyote, sitting in front row center seats, along side a bevy of Hollywood dignitaries, digging The Band and all their guest artists.

Fond memory.

What a trip.

E ticket.

The Band

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This morning eternity called.

This morning eternity called.

She is waiting for an answer. 

I have her on hold.

“Cole, they’re here!” My wife called to me.

I stepped outside the house and saw Ramil pull up in his center car.  I knew the pig would be in the back where the passengers usually sit.  Ramil pulled up alongside of me and we gave each other our warm wordless greetings.

I walked over to the back of the center car and looked in.  There on the floor lying quietly on its side was an adult pig.  All four of its legs were firmly bound with twine.  I looked at the pig’s face.  It was calm.  Its eye stared up at nothing.  I could see it was breathing but nothing else.

Up front on either side of Ramil were two of his kids, Marisol and Ramil Jr.  They both looked back at me, eyes wide with excitement, and then they looked down at the pig. 

About then Datu pulled up on his motorcycle and motioned for me to hop on. 

“Let’s go.”  He said with an easy grin.

I hopped on the back of the bike and we all sped off into the Filipino night.

Is “perfectly good” any more perfect than “perfectly bad?”

I suppose that is a legitimate philosophical question and I presume the answer is “no” but I still find it unsettling.  Of course, that’s just the human in me.  Always wishing for things to be good.  Or at least for things to make sense.

Calbayog City at night is exquisitely chaotic.  The dimly lit streets are alive and jammed with motorcycles, tricycles and hordes of people all crossing the street at once.  And noise.  Motorcycle engines, blaring horns, music blasting.  The smells of cooking street food mixed with smoke.  Datu’s motorcycle followed closely behind Ramil’s center car with me holding on for dear life.

We came to a stop at an intersection and waited while a sea of humanity swarmed around us. A young street kid came up to me and motioned hand to mouth with pleading eyes.

And we sped off..

Shortly we pulled off the main stretch and turned down a narrow back street.  Halfway down the narrow street the center car turned into an even narrower alley, and we followed.  Tall dark buildings loomed on either side us.  A few windows were lit in yellow light.  Presently the alley opened up into a driveway and we pulled in.

I got off the motorcycle and went over to see how the pig was holding up.  The kids got out as well and presently a few other people were there milling around speaking Tagalog.  I looked down at the pig.  It was breathing heavy and the whites of its eye showed as it looked back at me.

Suddenly the pig tried to run. It thrashed around furiously trying to gallop with its legs bound, squealing loudly.  The pig’s outburst made the kids laugh.  After a moment the pig quieted down.  It lay motionless again with heavy breathing.  And wheezing.

Ramil and Datu came over to the car with a couple of men that I didn’t recognize.  We all gathered around and looked down at the pig.  I noticed that the pig’s underbelly was lined with two rows of large nipples.

“Girl?”  I asked, surprised.

“No, boy.” Someone answered.

“But look.”  I pointed at the nipples in confusion.

“Boy” They all assured me.

“Transgender.”  I joked and everyone laughed.

Except for the pig.

Is “perfectly good” any more perfect than “perfectly bad?”

Personally, I’m going to hold off on answering that question. 

I will say this though, if I have learned anything in this life it is that nature is completely indifferent.

I guess that’s also a type of perfect.

The kids moved around to the front of the center car.  I joined them to be out of the way as the men got to work.

Several men reached in and grabbed at the pig.  The pig screamed and twisted its head around violently as hands grabbed at its legs and tail all pulling hard.  The pig’s mouth opened wide showing teeth, and it tried to bite.

“Watch out for those teeth,” I thought but the men were all laughing in the excitement.

After much pulling and fighting the men had the pig up to the edge of the car and then with a final heave the pig fell unceremoniously to the ground.

Quickly the men unbound the pig’s legs and then they tied a single rope to one of the pig’s front ankles.

The pig stood up with the rope tied to its ankle.  It looked dazed.  The men gathered around the pig talking.

Then one of the men pulled on the rope tied to the pig's front ankle and the pig stumbled forward.

I watched in awe.

The man pulled again, and the pig stumbled forward again.  This time though the pig recoiled and dug in its front legs and began bellowing loudly.

But the pig's resistance was futile.  The man gave another firm pull to the pig’s ankle and again the pig stumble forward.  A few more steps.  Bellowing and squealing as it was grimly led forward.

And I thought about those trucks, all in a line, filled with Polish prisoners.  Traveling slowly through the dark fog, into the Katyn forest.

When the trucks had pulled to a stop the men were led away.  One by one.  Into the forest.  Hands bound behind their backs.  Blind folded.  Some must have resisted.  Some must have yelled.

“Cole.” I looked up.

Datu was motioning for me to come.  The pig was being led down a narrow path between two buildings.

I followed behind and watched the pig as it stumbled forward, slowly making its way through the dark narrow, into a yard, where it met its final master.  A little girl.

The girl looked like she was about ten and she was standing there waiting for the pig.

The man handed the rope off to the little girl and she began leading the pig toward a little metal cage.

The pig saw the cage and would have nothing to do with it.  It turned as if to flee and the little girl hauled off and savagely kicked the pig on its side.

The pig was shocked and momentarily turned back to the cage but then it turned again and tried to flee and the little girl kicked it again.  And then again and again slowly kicking the pig into the little metal cage.

I still have eternity on hold.

I know she’s waiting for me, but I just don’t want to pick up the phone.

Not yet.

I still have some things left over and honestly, I don’t want to take anything with me.

The next day was my daughter’s birthday.

And the pig’s final appearance.

My daughter is three and it was a gala affair with a freshly roasted pig taking center stage.

And folks, it was delicious.  Not gonna lie.  A treat really.  If you ever have a chance to eat freshly roasted lechon do so.  It really is good.  And the skin is crispy.

Like super duper bacon.

…………………………….

Afterword.

Peter, the ancient Chinese told us.  They told us that the only reason why we have beauty is because we have ugly.  Even though it drives us mad, what is, simply is.  And try as we might the best we can do is raise a royal middle finger up to God and scream FUCK YOU!

But we all still love beauty.

Calbayog City 2022

Orchestre Poly-Rythmo

Here's another one.

I should maybe do more of these.

Untitled

red and black sharpies on manila paper

Los Angeles 2018

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New Mexico

red and black sharpie

Somewhere in New Mexico 2010

In 2010 I moved from Miami Florida to Los Angeles California. It was a great trip. I packed all my stuff in my Honda and took two months off to drive across the country.

I wound up spending most of my time camping out in the mountains of New Mexico. I was traveling by mysef and let me tell you, sleeping alone in the pitch black darkness of the New Mexican wilderness was .... creepy.

Whoa.

I remember one day I decided to go for a hike. I walked up a mountain trail following a small creek into the wilderness. After I had wandered for a few miles I found, growing by the water, a wild cherry tree covered with cherries. The cherries were ripe and almost black and so sweet.

So I sat down by the creek and made a lunch of wild cherries and cool mountain stream water. In the middle of the wilderness. No one there except for me and God.

Me, somewhere in Nevada. 2010

During my trip I drew in my moleskine a lot. It was during that trip that I hit upon drawing with red and black sharpies. The above drawing is from my moleskine. I was feeling deep into the colors and imagery of the American Southwest.

I've returned to this motif several times since then. Here is one I did around 2016.

Arizona

red and black sharpie on manila paper

Los Angeles 2016

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My son drawing in his moleskine. 2024

I have two young kids and both of them love to draw.

That, my friends, gives me quite a tickle.

My son drives his teachers nuts. He never pays attention in class they tell me. He spends all his class time doodling like I'm supposed to get upset about that.

When he comes home his book bag is filled with drawings. He loves showing them to me.

My son's doodles 2024

As a responsible parent I suppose I should be concerned about this but... what can I say.

My daughter, on the other hand, is more of the studious type. She doesn't doodle during class. But at home, she loves to draw and paint.

My daughter drawing in her moleskin. 2024

She usually has a bit of Jackson Pollack style to her art, but this time she added an ice cream cone.

A girl and her moleskine

Life is amazing.

MY life is amazing.

I'm so blessed.

T.I.B.W.F.

The BUDOS BAND

colored pencil, calbayog city, 2025

I was doing this one all in reds and yellows, and it was on fire!

So, I decided to give the fire a bit of definition with dark blue lines, and, I might have gotten a bit carried away with the blue, but then, and I'm not sure why I didn't expect this but, I got these lovely browns.

We call that serendipity.

As a side note, Sean, my nine year old son says this is the worst drawing I've ever made..

He's a harsh critic.

before the blue

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Nuff respect for Donovan

Donovan - Season of the Witch (Official Audio)

Leonard Cohen - Mastersong

We have two calamansi trees growing on our balcony. This morning as I write they are covered with fragrant white blossoms. The smell of the citrus perfume takes me back to Southern California and my own springtime.

Age has given me some peace and for that I am grateful. But youth gave me crazy love and for that I sometimes long.

Wine and Bread

Pencil drawing

Calbayog City 2024

Dr Dre - Whats the difference between me & you

black sharpie on paper

Miami 2009

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Sending out some love

FROM THE PHILIPPINES

Embrionic Journey - Jefferson Airplane

A student once asked Martin Heidegger how we should spend our lives. Heidegger replied, "We should spend more time in grave yards."

I, myself, would have answered, "We should spend more time bathing in waterfalls."

Calbayog City, Philippines, 2025

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