I Really Hate How I Just Can’t Have A Consistent Goal Or Dream In My Life.

Born to be a heavenly concept forced to be a deadbeat mortal.

Man I lowkey wished I didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution.

I don’t wanna do jack shit but draw my OTPs doing dumb and/or sexy shit together but I have classwork I need to get to, and my New Year’s Resolution was to get my shit together and not fail my classes.

Why must I have a life? I wanna do nothing at all..

WARNING:

POOR EATING HABITS

So I just wanted to share an experience I had not that long ago.

Some context: Until 8PM or so, I didn’t eat anything since 3PM or somewhere along that time period. I was eating under my calorie intake recently so I was happy about that because it meant that I had some self control.

Here’s the catch.

I was grocery shopping with my parents and I felt a little lightheaded and had a headache. I also was kind of jittery and tired.

My mom noticed I was looking shaky and asked me what’s up and I told her about everything, she said it was likely a low sugar intake.

Even after I rushed to buy and eat some stuff, I still felt jittery and anxious and light.

If I’m honest, I don’t know how to feel about this

On one hand I’m embarrassed and ashamed, but on the other hand I just can’t get myself to care, because in my head I’d rather die than gain any more weight than I already have.

And it’s true.

I would rather die than be fat & overweight forever.

It’s one of the worst things I’ve had to deal with and I would do anything to have my ideal body type.

And by anything, I’d mean ANYTHING.

I WANT JIRAI FRIENDDSSS!!! Reblog this if you wanna be cute landmine friends ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

Fuck Gyaru vs Jirai discourse I want a cute Gyaru at my door in 10 seconds and if that doesn’t happen I’m gonna throw a fit.

I already have a list of some of my faves but I don’t think I delved into specific songs so here we go :3

Jazmin Bean-Piggie, Carnage, Hello Kitty

Eyes Set to Kill-Broken Frames, Reach, All You Ever Knew

Sleeping With Sirens-If I’m James Dean Then You’re Aubrey Hepburn, A Trophy Fathers Trophy Son, Deja Vu

Pierce The Veil-A Match Into Water, Tangled in the Great Escape, Million Dollar Painter

Hollywood Undead- Own the Night, Gangsta Sexy, Coming in Hot

Attack Attack!-Smokahontas, Renob Nevada, Turbo Swag

Candye Syrup-Idol Death Ska, Sweet Suicide, Syrup

CORPSE-Code Mistake, Cat Girls Are Ruining My Life, Daywalker

Carolesdaughter-nobody’s favorite not even my own, Target Practice, My Mother Wants Me Dead

Nicole Dollanganger-Flowers of Flesh and Blood, Poacher’s Pride, Gold Satin Dreamer

MARINA(& the Diamonds)-Teen Idle, Primadonna, Ancient Dreams in a Modern Land

Ethel Cain-Head in the Wall, Ptolemea, Inbred

That’s all the ones I’ll name for now less I go on forever and ever lol

What r yalls fav songs and/or artists!

♡Kinlist♡

Feel free to judge me based on who I kin/kith/kinsider. XD

These aren’t in any particular order except for the very top one.

Also disclaimer I am very aware that some of these characters are very morally ambiguous. Just because I kin/kith/kinsider a character doesn’t mean that I exhibit their morals.

Anywho, here they are!

♡Kin: Ame-Chan(Needy Streamer Overload)

♡Kin: Aubrey(Omori)

♡Kin: Stocking Anarchy(Panty & Stocking)

♡Kin: Kotoko Utsugi(Danganronpa)

♡Kin: Konata Izumi(Lucky Star)

♡Kith: Shadow the Hedgehog(Sonic the Hedgehog)

♡Kith: Riamu Yumemi(iDOLM@STER)

♡Kin: Lain Iwakura(Serial Experiments Lain)

♡Kinsidering: Fluttershy(My Little Pony)

♡Kinsidering: Satou Matsuzaka(Happy Sugar Life)

So I may have gotten inspired…

Expect a video in maybe 3 weeks to a month.

I’m looking back at videos trying to explain Jirai Kei and not gonna lie, if I wasn’t a hideous, camera-shy freak, I’d go all out and make my own Jirai Kei essay.

The way that these people talk about Jirai Kei doesn’t feel like it does them justice since they’re into it from a fashion perspective. And I don’t wanna be that person, but if you’re into it purely for the fashion, you might as well call it girly kei since that’s what its fashion aspect of it basically took inspiration from, if not directly took it from (and if you’re a subcul Jirai, emo fashion in Harajuku is a primary visual inspiration).

Jirai isn’t just some edgy term used by Jirais to look cool and like some sort of anime menhera archetype. It was an actual insult used by people(usually men) in Japan to describe girls who are basically ticking time bombs. This is just Jirais reclaiming the term the same way Emos had reclaimed their name(Emo was an insult in the early 2000s).

I call myself Jirai because I understand this as someone who was often called overdramatic and too emotional, and feel a sense of power from it. Yes, I’m not Japanese, but there’s a reason that some Japanese subcultures have terms for participants outside of Japan(Ex. Gaijin Gyaru). It doesn’t have to be exclusive.

In conclusion, to quote a Reddit that I found, “I don’t think people(especially fashion Jirais) understand the implications of being called a Jirai.

WARNING:

POOR EATING HABITS, PURGING MENTIONS

Man I am so not ready for tomorrow, Thursday, or any day for that matter.

Because of Thanksgiving coming up and my family of course being holiday people, I have to start preparing for people coming over.

The thing is that I don’t want to do anything. Like I’d rather die than do the simplest things like put away my baskets of washed clothing or tune up my bathroom.

If I do the simplest thing I’ll explode, crash and burn. I’ll disintegrate like a vampire in sunlight.

I can’t even bother to be happy about Thanksgiving itself for the food because I hate eating as of recently.

I feel guilty every time I eat and like I wanna purge it all out if I feel like I’ve eaten too much. I’ve been starving myself to the point that I start getting all shaky and paranoid.

I don’t wanna bother acting happy for all my family and friends coming over because I’m so done with people. I feel so disconnected from everyone that I sometimes wonder if this life I’m living is real and mine.

I just hate everyone and everything.. I wish I didn’t exist as a person and as something akin to Lain Iwakura. Just silently watching people.