I Luckily Got To Bring Home This Collection Of Albert Camus' Book Published By Vintage International.

Henry Wintor's Suicide: An Explanation

To understand the why of the matter, we first need to know Henry’s past. To begin, Henry Winter wasn’t in a car accident. Much like all the other assumptions, it was born from another characters lips and not the subjects. Bunny himself says; “I think that’s what it was. don’t know what else it could’ve been.” And in my humble opinion didn’t draw the alternative option as, what is unthinkable is undoable.

No, instead the conclusion I've drown myself to is that he was beaten by his Father to such a degree he was hospitalized.

1# Evidence of my Conclusion

Henry is a poor driver, even with his precious Julian in the seat right next to him. This is in stark contrast to Camilla and Charles, whose parents were actually in a car accident, and thus get nervous days before travel. Francis too is shown to be anxious particularly when Henry is in the drivers seat, and is so ‘’even in the most propitious of circumstances’’.

Henry can make himself invisible. An odd trait for a man as broad as him, who already is intimidating to those around him. However, he wasn’t always that big, was he? Well, being able to be imperceptible is a survival mechanism for abuse survivors, especially children, which he was indeed once.

He understands Richard in a way you couldn’t without being abused yourself. Richard like himself doesn’t talk about his parents, along with clearly running away from something. The following conversation between the two was extremely telling:

''You’re not very happy where you come from, are you?'' He said I was startled at this Holmes-like deduction. He smiled at my evident discomfiture. ‘’Don’t worry. You hide it very cleverly,’’ he said, going back to his book. Then looked up again. ‘’The others really don’t understand that sort of thing, you know.’’

Henry never smiles at Richard. Hell, Henry likely doesn’t smile often not due to stoicism on his part, but due to the chip in his front tooth. Richard hadn’t understood what Henry was getting at, but to me it’s clear he was trying to comfort him by saying in a light-hearted way ‘’I understand.’’

2# Henrys True Past

Henry’s Father was a man who enjoyed having his way, living the high life with money and women. His business wasn’t ‘’quite above board’’ But money shuts people up—Well, it did. Until he got one of his young flings pregnant.

His family was Catholic (Many families were at the time) Meaning having a child outside of wedlock would’ve been unacceptable. He and his soon to be wife would’ve faced social pressure to wed, and thus, did.

After the arranged marriage, his Father wouldn’t have been as free to do as he pleased, along with now being tied down to a child he didn’t want. He’d have been enraged by the injustice of it all, little Henry being the target for this anger as in his eyes it was the boys fault.

Henrys Mother was young and without power, so when her husbands corporal punishment took a scary turn, she had no way of stopping it. Which left Henry’s Father free to do as he wished—Such as beating Henry half-way to deaths doorstep.

3# So, Why Did Henry Do It?

Much of Henrys behaviour gets dissociated from that of a regular human. On first read, he’s otherworldly, brittle and mysterious. We see the beauty, but not its second face: the way Henry carries an umbrella to protect his sensitive eyes; the manner in which he dresses closely reflecting that of his Fathers fashion preferences, as he had no one else to build his taste upon.

He grew up with no friends, utterly isolated with only tutors and his Mother for company. From what I can surmise, Henry wouldn’t have actually known how to make friends, as he had no previous interactions or social bonds to draw upon. It adds further depth to how meaningful his friendship with Bunny truly would’ve been. Bunny who is friendly with all sorts and highly socially aware—would’ve noticed Henry’s lack of companionship. Bunny, likely was Henrys first actual friend at Hampton, perhaps, his first in years.

Julian saw Henry’s vulnerability, along with his potential for entertainment. He knew what would happen when he introduced Henry to the idea of a Bacchanal—Of escapism and ascending: However, where Julian described it as rebirth, Henry described it as not being you anymore ''After all. the appeal to stop being yourself, even for a little while, is very great'' The further Henry went on, the more it sounded like a plea for relief from reality and himself.

Suicide becomes the only option when we believe there is non other escape. It’s why it’s particularly common amongst teenagers and young adults, as they struggle to see a future past their intense emotions. Many will have ideations for years and will do as Henry did, self-destruct in a last-ditch effort to create a reason to live.

The substance abuse, the murders, the killing of the first friend he ever had—Bunny was truly pivotal, as he treated Henry as an equal. Julian was the final straw, the last peace of approval and love Henry had in the world. ''I loved him more than my own father'' He said ''I loved him more than anyone in the world.''

Henry no longer saw a way out from his suffering through Julian, so he had tried the last thing he could think of—Which was to die in a way he hopped Julian would see as noble, that would mean praise he wouldn't even be around to receive. I believe that's why he held onto life for as long as he did in his final moments, he was waiting for Julian to come back and love him again.

Tempat ini sudah di ujung batas porak-poranda -oh, atau memang sudah porak-poranda? (Kami rasa iya).

Tikus-tikus gembrot sibuk nikmati pesangon; rakus mengais sambil tersenyum licik macam iblis! (Sudah bukan macam lagi, tapi kami rasa mereka memang iblis).

Tangis kami dilewatkannya kuping kanan, tapi keluar kuping kiri; macam mereka dulu waktu sekolah kala dengar nasihat-nasihat ibu dan bapak guru (pantas, kan; mereka semua dungu dan tidak tahu malu).

Hidup di neraka kami rasa lebih baik; neraka setidaknya menghukum sesuai dosa kami. Tapi di tempat ini, yang bahkan iblis neraka saja macam tak sudi menginjakkan kaki karena kalah keji dengan iblis-iblis berdasi, dihukum atas dosa-dosa yang bukan milik kami. (Najis, *puih puih*).

Tuhan, bisa tidak? Kirim kami obat racun tikus paling ampuh?

# IndonesiaGelap.

This week obsession: 1984 by George Orwell.

henry fucking winter

vintage stamps

Bring back my sanity. I pity myself for not even mad at their wrong-doings to Bunny

I love X (formerly Twitter), it helps find cute things.

Caffeine intakes throughout the September ‘24.

Kalau sudah cantik dan wangi begitu, harusnya langsung duduk di atas mukaku. Yang kamu bilang berat itu, adalah beban yang ditempa hidup pada perempuan jelita seperti kamu. Duduk, istirahatlah di atasku, biar aku bantu muntahkan emosi liar yang kamu pendam sejak kemarin.

— Gombalan Klise, pada kekasih bayangan yang belum jadi kepunyaan.