What If Instead Of Gilly Weed Harry Had Showed Up To The Black Lake Challenge In Muggle Scuba Gear Like

Harry Potter + Cards Against Humanity

To Be Written

Source: Steven Ingels

Harry: (in a crowd and can’t find Ron)

Harry: (cups hands over mouth) HARRY POTTER HAS STUPID HAIR

Draco: WHO SAID THAT I WILL FIGHT YOU

Harry: wait what

Knowing his godfather will not approve of skipping class to see The Bent-Winged Snitches, Teddy Lupin calls for some spiritual intervention.

Does anyone remember fanfiction from like 2001 to 2004 tho?

-wacky, highly out of character ‘sleepovers’ with the villains of the series

-not bothering to research the culture the series originated from (we live in Japan but for some reason we’re celebrating a westernized version of Christmas?)

-sugar highs??? the entire cast has eaten sugar and now randomness ensues!!1!

-really surreal oneshots taking a completely illogical idea to the highest possible level played completely for laughs (re: maybe Harry was so good at flying because He Was A Broom All Along)

-user guides for characters (as if they’re adoptable robots)

-disclaimer at the beginning of the story, end of the story, used as page breaks in the middle of the story I DO NOT OWN THIS PLEASE DON’T SUE I’M DIRT POOR

-author’s notes at the beginning of the story, end of the story, used as page breaks in the middle of the story, LOL I WROTE THIS AT ONE IN THE MORNING PLEASE REVIEW

-nutshell/condensed retellings of the series, again usually humorous

-AUs where everything except the main character’s names are completely different that have no real connections to the series (High School AUs are EVERYWHERE)

-The writer’s favourite character isn’t dead and the rest of the cast questions it once and then never mentions it again

-the writer talking to the characters in script form before the story actually starts

the very few occasions on which remus lupin has cried in front of someone

- when he came out to lily

- when sirius told him he thought his scars were beautiful

- when he asked sirius to marry him (and we all know what the answer was)

- the one time he got really drunk with james and got emotional over a cat video

Harry hadn’t actually meant it when he told Draco that “he should try not getting arrested every few weeks.” At the time maybe he had, but Harry had grown antsy over the past few weeks.

Things had been quiet. Too quiet.

“You’d like to what?” the Head of the Aurours department asked.

“I’d like to conduct a search for Draco Malfoy,” Harry replied. Ron stood at his side looking unimpressed. Search missions required back up by law, and Harry had managed to convince a reluctant Ron to be his.

“He’s not going to give this up,” Ron pointed out.

“You know what, fine. Fine. But make it quick.”

____

Harry found Draco in the basement of Fangtasia brooding at 11am on a Thursday.

“You’re not wearing the necklace,” Draco pouted.

“That thing was bloody hideous Malfoy,” Ron said defending his friend. Draco actually looked almost offended.

“Come on Draco we both know that you usually have much better taste,” Harry said as gently as he could. Draco had clearly been struggling ever since he’d become a vampire, and as amusing as it was to watch, Harry wanted Draco to accept himself and find happiness...preferably with Harry.

“I knew you liked the leather,” Draco said proudly gesturing to his current outfit. Harry just shook his head and decided not to start this arguement.

“Draco are you okay?” Harry asked. The basement was windowless, but well lit. Draco sat at the head of a long table filled with unoccupied seats.

“None of them came,” Draco said looking at the empty seats around him with dismay.

“None of who came?” Harry asked.

“I tried to construct a founders council, and invited all the prominent Vampire families, but no one showed up,” Draco sulked. Harry nudged Ron before the boy could start laughing.

Harry was prepared for this. Harry had researched the Vampire Diaries when he’d realized Draco’s habit of picking up the identies of famous fictional vampires.

Harry spent the rest of the day making calls with Draco. They ended up enlisting Luna’s help and instead created a council of influential magical minorities.

Harry hopes that this was a good substitute for the support groups Draco had opted out of having. But wasn’t surprised when Draco ended up back in his office a week later.

Vampire Draco XD

LISTEN YOU… I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE WRITING THIS GOD DAMMIT! Tagging @violetclarity for inciting shit too. :D

Word count: 200

Harry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose for what felt like the 20th time this month. Today was supposed to be a normal day, his day for paperwork and non-magical nonsense. So when his eyes fell on Draco, sitting as casually as possible in Harry’s office chair, Harry knew his day was done.

“What did you do this time?” Harry sighed, waving his hands in a way that indicated Draco should get the fuck out of his chair.

“I asked a wizard if he knew what I was….”

Harry looked at Draco quizzically. “What’s wrong with that?”

Draco sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out a handful of glitter. Harry stared, already knowing where this was going but really hoping it wasn’t.

“Draco… Please tell me you didn’t.”

“….I did.”

Harry let his head fall to his desk, hands pulling out his hair in hard tugs.

“But- But, just listen! It was going great, I was broody and reciting poetry. He was totally hooked.”

“And then…?”

“And then I threw glitter in his face.”

“Draco, what the actual fuck? That’s not even… The vampire in that book fucking actually sparkles. Like “diamonds”… He doesn’t throw sparkles.“

“Oooooh….”

The most unrealistic thing about Hogwarts is there is no overt petty drama?? There are like 5 kids per year who have to live together for SEVEN YEARS and they can do MAGIC. You can’t tell me the muffliato charm wasn’t used to talk mad shit about people. How many witches hexed their best friend’s dress robes to always be one size too small because they were fighting? And you expect me to believe that people ACTUALLY stayed in bed during curfew instead of flying through the Scottish highlands? Also the castle is designed to ruin your fucking life. Can you imagine being drunk on the moving staircases?? That’s an entire mythology of student stories in and of itself. I’m just saying, when I was in high school someone locked and duct taped a car alarm into a locker and then set it off for two hours straight and I’m 95% sure he wasn’t even a wizard

Is that a threat, Draco

“What do you meAN YOU PANICKED? WE’VE BEEN DATING FOR SEVEN MONTHS”

“...sorry - I love you too you know”

*mumbles* “idiot”

Everyone stop what you’re doing and let’s talk about this:

honestly people, do rp and write on this, pleaseeee.