JKR: Dumbledore Is The Only Gay Character In The Harry Potter Series

I need a fic where Harry is overjoyed that his two best friends are finally together and happy, but also jealous and annoyed at suddenly being the third wheel. Like:

“Hermione, he doesn’t belong to you- No, I don’t care that he’s your boyfriend. I haven’t seen him all day and I saw him first, damnit!”

“Ron, please stop kissing her, she’s supposed to be helping me research, Are you going to write my essay for me? Didn’t think so… No, wait, Hermione, I didn’t me that you were going to write my essay for me, I just- You can’t leave me here to die!… Stop laughing, Ron.”

“Hermione, it is boys night! No girls allowed… geez, okay, stop yelling at me. You can have two minutes to say goodnight… It’s been longer than two minutes, Hermione!… Hey, leave space for Wizard Jesus! Get off him Hermione! You are corrupting my best friend!”

Basically, we need more Harry “the cockblock” Potter.

okay but /listen/ the one thing this fandom doesn’t have nearly enough of is headcanons surrounding the gryffindor boys dorm in harry’s year

like,,,, harry, ron, dean, seamus, and neville… there’s so much potential for wonderful, wonderful headcanons and i feel like we really don’t explore that enough

The most valuable chart…

draco’s first hour watching baking shows: wow, these people are quite good

draco on his 23rd hour in a row: idc how good her fondant is, if kathy doesnt add more buttercream to that mixture her consistency is going to be all off

harry, trying to work: malfoy you have never baked in your ENTIRE BLOODY LIFE

The Brightest Witch of Her Age.

remember in goblet of fire when minerva says ‘potter’s a boy, not a piece of meat!’

imagine harry telling her everything after the battle of hogwarts, telling her about how dumbledore raised him like a pig for slaughter, and how he had to die and mcgonagall gets so goddamned mad

she loses control for the first time that harry’s EVER seen and she’s actually yelling, she’s so pissed that harry was seventeen and he had to accept death and dumbledore KNEW he would have to die and NEVER TOLD HIM

and harry’s about to cry because yeah his friends would be devastated if he was gone but NO ONE got this damn pissed that dumbledore had raised him so that he could die at the right time and mcgonagall’s in the middle of a rant and he just shoots up and hugs her and she’s stunned into silence but after a moment she hugs back and it’s great

and then she goes up to her office and starts screaming at dumbledore’s portrait because ‘i don’t care if it had to happen, albus, he is a CHILD-’

One time, Gryffindor reached exactly 69 house points, and for two whole weeks they managed not to gain or lose any by being as boring as possible. It was finally broken when Hermione was awarded 10 points for some good Charms homework, and Ron was subtracted 20 for yelling “FUCKS SAKE HERMIONE” in response

(first day as a barista)

draco : here’s your coffee

harry : thanks. can i get a little spoon too?

draco : sure

draco, sits on harry’s lap and nuzzles into him : here you go

Does anyone remember fanfiction from like 2001 to 2004 tho?

-wacky, highly out of character ‘sleepovers’ with the villains of the series

-not bothering to research the culture the series originated from (we live in Japan but for some reason we’re celebrating a westernized version of Christmas?)

-sugar highs??? the entire cast has eaten sugar and now randomness ensues!!1!

-really surreal oneshots taking a completely illogical idea to the highest possible level played completely for laughs (re: maybe Harry was so good at flying because He Was A Broom All Along)

-user guides for characters (as if they’re adoptable robots)

-disclaimer at the beginning of the story, end of the story, used as page breaks in the middle of the story I DO NOT OWN THIS PLEASE DON’T SUE I’M DIRT POOR

-author’s notes at the beginning of the story, end of the story, used as page breaks in the middle of the story, LOL I WROTE THIS AT ONE IN THE MORNING PLEASE REVIEW

-nutshell/condensed retellings of the series, again usually humorous

-AUs where everything except the main character’s names are completely different that have no real connections to the series (High School AUs are EVERYWHERE)

-The writer’s favourite character isn’t dead and the rest of the cast questions it once and then never mentions it again

-the writer talking to the characters in script form before the story actually starts