Rabbit-with-a-grapefruit-spoon - I Have A Sharpened Spoon

I don’t know why but I find it immensely funny that the idea of John Constantine working with Billy Batson and/or Danny Fenton. People believing they are HIS sidekicks, when in reality, he is THEIR sidekick. 

Okay but imagine Yuuri retires from competitive figure skating at 27, and he decides to go back to college to become a teacher.

So this boy walks into class sporting the just-rolled-out-of-bed look with the sex hair and the big comfy sweater and the starbucks cup in one hand.

And you know, he’s enjoying his life, he makes friends in his program and on the weekends he helps his husband teach cute little kids how to skate and they have this cozy little house together in a nice neighbourhood. He probably has girls and guys falling for him left and right.

And then one day, Yuuri’s out with his friends, and they’re at a cafe or something.

And a group of girls comes up to them, and they’re all blushing and nudging each other saying “You talk first!”.

So Yuuri just turns this absolutely blinding smile on them and asks, “Autographs?”

The girls squeak, and nod furiously.

“Sure!” he says, reaching out for the notebooks they’re holding out for him to sign.

And about ten minutes later, after several selfies and autographs and a lot of gushing and squealing and “Please let Viktor know we’re looking forward to Yuratchka’s upcoming season,” the girls leave.

So Yuuri turns back to his friends, and they’re all just staring at him with wide eyes and gaping mouths.

Yuuri kinda wonders if there’s something on his face.

The first thing that comes out of anyone’s mouths is, “…who’s Viktor?”

And Yuuri’s kinda confused as he replies, “….my husband?”

“YOU’RE MARRIED!?!?!?!?” his friends all shriek.

Yuuri looks down at his hand to make sure his ring is still there. “Yeah?” he says, holding his hand up.

“I thought that was just a fashion statement!” one of the girls exclaims.

“Why did they want your autograph though?” asks another of his friends, and Yuuri just looks away sheepishly.

“I’m…uh….a retired competitive figure skater?” he asks, his voice going higher with embarrassment. “And I…uh…got 2 golds in the Grand Prix…and 2 golds in Worlds….and maybe a silver in Pyeongchang?”

His voice gets progressively quieter as his face gets even redder.

His friends are staring at him in horror and shocked disbelief now.

And he thinks he might as well get it all out now.

“And…my husband might be the most decorated athlete in figure skating history?”

Fics based on this post:

A Real Life Cinnamon Roll by Seito (@seitosokusha) Did I Forget to Mention… by nevereverever How do you not know? by missykristy icebreaker by Cesare Long time no see by ddugeun (@chukichi) My Fun Fact Is: by stillmadaboutpetra New Friends by viktuuri (@softvictory) Now I Know by CassidyMoffett (@sweettigerotakureviews​) Storytime: Celebrity Blindness by likestoimagine (@likestoimagine16) This is Why You Google People by StarlightPhoenix (@cleverlittlejay) Trivia Night by RinaRose (@marina-and-the-fandoms) Wait, What? by @realisticallycynical 

~If you want to officially gift your work to me, my AO3/FFN penname is SkyGem!~

Tumblr posts/additions for this post:

Hilarious addition by @p3hero​ Adorable continuation by @deadlychildartemis​ Comic by @lauravian

Translations of this post:

Italian by @randomwalksoul

for the record, if you have never watched Farscape: it is a show about an American astronaut who gets stranded in space with a bunch of aliens. this description is technically accurate but tells you nothing about the actual experience of watching the show.

if it helps any, please consider that the main characters are, in no particular order:

a jock who’s very good at math and surprisingly good at feelings

an ex-space cop who combines the fighting-for-her-life aptitude of Ellen Ripley with the understanding-her-own-emotions aptitude of Seven of Nine

Space Javert

a big weird puppet friend with like 12 arms. you will want to hug him.

Fun Worf

“wow i wonder how she got so calm and centered, she seems very wise” “oh yeah i used to be an EXTREMELY violent anarchist and I’m holding onto my chill by my fingernails at all times”

like, what if Yoda had 0 wisdom to impart and was just a horrible little bastard man who only wanted to do crimes

alien girl on Space Rumspringa except she’s never going back because on her home planet feelings are illegal

Y’all can’t ship Bowuigi without first understanding what it will do to Kamek to have to sit across from the dude he kidnapped as a baby 3 times like 35 years ago at the dinner table

*wheezes*

I had to draw it

Love how tumblr has its own folk stories. Yeah the God of Arepo we’ve all heard the story and we all still cry about it. Yeah that one about the woman locked up for centuries finally getting free. That one about the witch who would marry anyone who could get her house key from her cat and it’s revealed she IS the cat after the narrator befriends the cat.

Girl scout cookie season has to be fucking hell in Gotham

Like, okay so I don't actually know anything about girl scouts, but it has to be intense right? Every girl scout in the city has to know that Bruce Wayne is a soft touch and will buy out your entire stock if you just look at him with even a hint of a sad frown. Which means outside of Wayne Enterprises and Wayne Manor is prime real estate, the kind of hot spots that scouts and their parents are willing to go to war for. Like, full on street brawls breaking out between these little girls and their rival troops over common Bruce Wayne locations.

And it's *Gotham* so you know there are like, Gotham Specific badges for things like "Improvised Weaponry" and "Urban War Tactics" I bet there are badges for helping people during Rogue attacks, with like a badge for each specific Rogue and a badge you get if you've earned all the others.

Just. Gotham Girl Scouts have to be scarier than any Marine, and are probably on so many watch lists, both ad potential heroes and villains.

Imagine Cap's identity reveal happening years later when he's already over 18. Like, they would have been working together for a whole decade, laughed together, cried together, introduced him to their spouses etc and then suddenly. Boom, lightning, and he's actually some college kid. The whole League immediately starts panicking and doing the math in their head while Billy's just like-

"Statue of limitations", with a shit eating grin preferably. Come on, he's been losing sleep over this for years, now's their turn to let it mess with their heads.

Imagine them calling it a day and going home, trying to relax after that hectic mess and then it suddenly hits them-

Clark staring at the ceiling in his pajamas, "I punched a 10 year old once. And really hard too."

Wally stress eating cereal, "I always liked the guy because I felt we were on the same wavelength. What does that say about me that I can hang with a literal sixth grader and not even mind? No, wait, don't answer that."

Arthur venting to Mara, "I had lengthy discussions trying to convince a twelve year old to go out for drinks, on multiple occasions."

Most of Young Justice, "he's younger than me and he's been the on-and-off again den mom for years!"

you heard him