Big Jacket, Big Heart

look what you made me do, adam. look what you made me do

고민하다가 걍 올리기로 결정함

i found this unfinished sketch and decided to finally finish it soooo enjoy gender envy gricko the way im the most envious of this gender im putting in gricko art

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

Forgot about this happening, fucking perfect

while you all are out there enjoying the watcher dlc i have restarted the game four times with no additional mods but my slugcat is invisible and my game crashes as soon as i enter the first pipe

*placeholder banner test

stop telling me what not to draw. i do not care

sth i did for a friend back in march, the bot is her oc and the little human ish guy is mine.

i originally didn't want my first contribution to the fandom to not be fanart but eh. im proud of this. why not.

Day something of crying over how similar pre war Skybound Starscream/Ulchtar and amnesiac g1 Redemption center Starscream are, literally my first time reading issue 13 I was reminded of RC. Starscream without his memories and essentially a blank state was just exactly how Ulchtar used to be before Genvo's death and meeting Megatron.

His natural state was so polite,reasonable,intelligent and curious, these traits got morphed into more twisted versions once the war started. I always did wonder why was someone like Jetfire close friends with Starscream in g1? because Jetfire couldn't tolerate a few hours with the decepticons noticing how they were, and if we take RC being a g1 adjacent story it makes sense because Starscream was also a pretty nice/decent person back then.

As I recall redemption center had a whole conversation with the Autobots trying to figure out if there was a way they could influence and reason with decepticons- with some even suggesting brainwashing which Optimus was against- but it was mostly about trying to understand them, by the end Optimus narrowed down that without whatever happened in his past Starscream would have been a different person but it was the past that influenced and changed his personality to the one he currently has, that's why upon remembering despite a part of himself wanting to look at a possible bright future a few moments ago he felt he had no choice but to continue his old ambitions because he at his current state will never able to able to go back to who he used to be. That person is dead,and I think Starscream himself does miss his past self too he seemed partially disappointed that he remembered when Optimus realizes this.

This line especially stood out.

"he knew who he was,knew the inevitability of who he was"

I wonder everyday what would have happened had it been Optimus who met him first instead of Megatron. I wonder what was G1 Starscream's inciting incident like Skybound with the death of his friend. What happened to him after that expedition where he lost Jetfire and before he met the decepticons?

Like not trying to excuse anything,he was always pretty full of himself to an extent,in the he wanted to be validated kind of way but he still had morals and it wasn't borderline narcissism back then.

I wish he just went with Jetfire instead of staying. Not that it would've helped much but maybe then he wouldn't been corrupted due to war in the specific way he did. At the end of the day his actions are still his own and he did hurt so many people but I do still feel bad for him. My war criminal pookie.

Now I'm just wondering it really does add up to his relationship with Jetfire/Skyfire because after Fire in the Sky they literally act like strangers, for Jetfire it makes sense because the guy shot him for dead, but Starscream was acting strange even before that to the point even Megatron pointed it out. Thinking about it it really does make sense why, when he chose to shoot Jetfire it wasn't just a simple act of ending an old friendship, it was him severing the last connection he had to his past self, he chose to discard that part of himself completely that the friend he once spent so long mourning and even searched half the globe for,he had no hesitation shooting that same person down.

It's even more evident when Jetfire asks him if he's happier being a warrior than a scientist, to him of course it is, why would he want to go back to who he used to be? Starscream likely associates his past self with weakness in Skybound's case weakness that allowed Genvo to be killed,weakness of hesitating to kill prisoners for the cause that's why he doesn't like being reminded of his past. And it explains why he's kind of a control freak in a way he hates it when things are out of his control,he hates it when people try to control him so he follows the mentality he'd be even worse than them. Because this world is for the strong, something he told Thundercracker. If you were weak you die or lose what you care about.

There are so many gaps in the timeline I really want to know what the heck happened? This is only clue when he was remembering everything the minute he did he just couldn't stay even if he understood himself that going back was just ruining whatever bridges he could have formed.

Fun fact : Ironically he remembered his backstory upon falling/thrown off a cliff by Soundwave and being in a shock like state,much like RC losing his memory upon falling off a cliff and hitting his head lol. Soundwave also found it so funny he was looping the same footage over and over like a TikTok reel all the while enjoying seeing Megatron crash out over Optimus and having the best time of his life and slightly manipulating Megatron into making efficient decisions. Boy was winning for once.