Youre Really Fucking Weird

There are two types of bros

just a sad kind of tired that creeps upon you with little cat feet

curls up on your shoulder and never leaves

it yawns and shifts and gets heavier and heavier, but you can’t bring yourself to let go

you get sadder and tireder but the numbing blanket it provides is addicting 

you can’t go back to the world without the tired kind of sad and its little cat feet

no! healthy relationship will kill the character! he needs an unhealthy codependent romance with a side of power imbalance to live

i’m seeing a lot of people reblogging suicide hotlines and this is just a reminder that this is a suicide help line that works like a text-based instant messenger for people who may need to talk to someone but have trouble/are uncomfortable making phone calls

ch4 of inspiral is up!!

yes the chapter title is a shitty pun😌 now, onwards!

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I learned recently, while researching gaslighting, that there is a second type called ‘Emotional gaslighting’. This is when your abusers deny the reality of your feelings. 'You’re too sensitive’, 'It wasn’t that bad’, 'You’re just faking it for attention’, 'Stop acting like you’re hurt’ 'Come on, it didn’t hurt you’ 'You’re overreacting!’ 'You’re fine, stop exaggerating’, these phrases deny your own feelings to you. They communicate to you that not only the abuser doesn’t believe you’re experiencing pain, they’re demanding you to pretend that you aren’t. They’re asking you to deny your reality and to pretend it’s not real.

This will make you feel like you’re not allowed to feel your own emotions, and you’ll end up questioning if any of your emotion is real or are you faking it? Are you justified in feeling what you do? Are your feelings of pain and terror really just an exaggeration that doesn’t have a basis in reality? Are you making up your own suffering? Is all this pain in your head only?

This, again, will cause you to feel like you’re going insane, and doubt your every reaction to any event, you’ll try to see if thru someone else’s eyes you would be perceived as 'reasonable’ for having a reaction that you do, and it will drive you insane trying to figure out what are the 'correct’ responses while all you feel is shame, anxiety, pain and desperation.

This illusion falls apart when you realize that all 'correct’ responses are only those convenient to your abuser, and that somehow, your every positive and obedient reaction to them is 'correct’, while justified upset and pain at their abuse is 'wrong and forbidden’. So somehow you’ve been reacting to everything right, except the abuse. Somehow, your every thought and feeling needs to be convenient to them or it’s wrong. That’s how you know it’s only a self-serving game they’re playing, and all your emotions were correct all along, as there’s no way for you to 'feel’ wrong. All your pain is still their fault, and not your fault for 'feeling it’, and things are exactly as bad as you feel them. Your feelings are a reflection of reality that is happening to you, if there was no cause of you feeling upset and pained, you would not be feeling it.  

idgaf i will never get tired of the dog motif. it will never be cliche it will never be trite it will never not hit hard. i see a dog coded character crawl back to their owner even after being kicked and the inside of my brain looks like this

a lovely lady asked me to elaborate so i'm back again,,,, voltron the show treats lance's envy and resulting competitiveness as a Cute Funny Haha thing, especially in the beginning seasons as they struggle to figure out how to work together . .

but as someone who's experienced this sort of thing where there's someone in your life that seems to be naturally and effortlessly better than you at something that's Important to you, that you want to be better at yourself, logic tends to go out the window,,, it doesn't matter that you have your own strengths, that you're different ppl with different skills and experiences . . . it simply becomes an all-consuming Skill Issue that's All. Your. Fault.

while i've seen this addressed in fic, the feeling is all to eager to peter out, to be wiped away with a random bonding moment and be replaced with love or respect or admiration-- but . . it's not that simple . . ever . . . no matter how hot this rival is (in fact this just adds salt to the wound). the fun part is that these two attitudes can coexist! for maximum angst!!! the resentment can curdle and rot and fester in the center of your chest WHILE staring in awe, while praising and complimenting them.

depending on how your interpret canon, lance spent 0.5 - 1 year in the fighter pilot program after keith left (and Only because he left) where he was canonically periodically reminded by that Bitch that lance, no matter how well he performed, would never be able to live up to keith, piloting prodigy . . he was just casually near-daily told he would always be second-best at one of the things most important to him in the world . . . even logically dissecting that iverson's words were purposefully hateful, unconstructive, and Should be disregarded, doesn't mean that kinda of treatment, that kind of rhetoric, wouldn't become deeply internalized within lance, no matter how calmly and logically he thought about it. the killer, in the end, is that iverson was simply repeating lance's intrusive thoughts back to him Out Loud, and framing it as The Truth. no matter how much lance comes to like and admire keith as a person and not just a Prodigy, that shit will take a long time and a Lot of work to unroot from his thought patterns.

and then there comes keith's perspective . . oh my dear boy, keith, certain things just come easy to him yk? but that's no big deal; who likes flying and martial arts and rather dislikes sitting still,,, so does a lot of the former to avoid the latter.

keith who's been abandoned, isolated, and socially ostracized basically all his life . . who watches lance walk in a room and light it up with laughter every single time; lance, who has a loving family who he talks about and misses, and misses, and misses; who miss him back; who has a wonderful, living mother who's laughing with lance on his lockscreen . . .

keith who's had this secret, implicit belief all his life that there's something wrong with him, something unnamable and terrible that drives everyone away from him, eventually. watches lance attract people like a magnet wherever he goes.

who watches the friendliest, most socially adept and intelligent person he knows recoil from him time and time again. who always has a charming flirt or a kind, reassuring word for everyone on the castleship . . except keith. who sneers and argues and insults and competes with his every attempt to make some sort of connection; the poisonous, wriggling thought squeezes into keith's mind again and again, tinged with a paranoia he's carried close to his heart since forever, that lance knows, that he was able to sense whatever it was Wrong with keith and that he was, disgusted. so he takes that bone-deep fear and points it outward, like a knife.

mayhamps i will write a fic 🫠

klance can be so toxic, they can be SOOO TOXIC and it's so delicious bc their insecurities are exactly equal and Opposite, they want to be each other sooo bad, the other's very existence is like a persistent thumb digging into a bruise if not an Open Wound, there is so much space for resentment, SO MUCH space for resentment and miscommunication and emotional stuntedness and misunderstandings . . . klance nation serve this up please 🙏🙏🙏

me anytime i get too passionate abt something, 98% of the time something vapid/nonsensical + inconsequential: [vibrating with pent-up fixation] i need to be put down, i need to be put down like a sick dog

found you.

okay fess up who put the hit on me