Chapter 19

I’m having a very weird moment rn , drinking with cis men i odd 😂😂

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to these guys and everyone I’ve met/made friends with over the last couple years because of them, I got to see them three times in the last 13 months and from not being allowed to see them and then getting three times is insane

I’m just going to do a little run down as to why these boys mean so much to me through albums and eras

self-titled as an era as well as notes - help me relive my teen years , help me relive as the teenage boy that I didn’t get to live (being trans I was raised as a female and my teen years where very weird obviously) , but since coming out I’ve made the connection that these albums really help me feel like the teenage boy I was meant to be and I couldn’t thank the guys more for that and I know there probably never going to here it but it’s wild that even though I’m never actually going to be able to go back and fully relive my teenage years these albums do help me.

I like it when you sleep- I don’t know what it is about iliwys but it helps me feel so confident in my sexuality and gender around others , it helps me care less what others may think of it. I can just be me and not be bothered about others thoughts. Be the openly little gay boy that I am and not care that others may veiw it as icky or be homophobic toward me it just keeps me safe and grounded and I don’t feel like I have to hide because of this.

a brief Inquiry(can’t spell sorry)- ABIIOR - has helped me care more for the environment and schooling and helped me care more about my knowledge for other things like art and writing , creativity in all forms (I cared before but like now with this album) , I’ll stay up and learn about art and history and feel like I’m expanding my brain learning about the world around me and how things used to be - I just feel smarter

but the best of all really is

Being Funny - to me this one brings the best out because it really makes me feel like I’ve grown as a person and that everything around me has grown with me , as have the people around me , I’ve gained so much confidence and done things I never thought id do , I’ve grown up with the guys because of this era , I feel like I’m growing into the gentleman that I want to be and it just makes me feel so grown. I can do everything I dream of and do it to the best of my abilities

so I wanna thank the guys SO MUCH for helping me through everything in life

An Encounter (Ch. 2)-guitar nerd!matty au

word count: 3.9k

a/n: chapter two is finally here my beloved people. hope you enjoy my writing. sorry if it’s not as perfect as i want it to be. enjoy!

warnings: SMUTTY SMUTTY🕷️

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It's only been two weeks since you went into your local music store. Since that moment, you were head over heels for him. He was so charismatic, funny, charming, and he was always nice to you, like really nice to you. It was really throwing you off. You visited him when you had the time.

Today was just like any other day, you had stopped by the music shop on your break from studying. He looked up at the sound of the bell, smiling at who was walking in. He felt his heart race at the sight of you. He knew your name, what you liked and didn’t like. He knew a lot about you, he liked that about himself. He liked knowing about you for some reason.

“Afternoon, darling.” he said, resting his chin on the back of the broom’s handle and looking at you with a smirk on his face

“Hi, Matty”

Hearing you say his name made his heart soar, but he tried to hide it by smiling politely at you. “How’s your day going?”

“Pretty bland”

He tilted his head, putting the broom down and leaning against the counter slightly, crossing his arms over his chest “Bland, eh? I can’t believe you can have a bland day”

You shrug. He looked at you for a second before pushing himself off the counter and walking around the corner of the counter “It’s pretty boring here, too. Barely anyone’s been coming… well besides you of course”

“Really?”

“Yup, it’s been pretty dead.”

Standing directly in front of you. He studied your face for a second. You flushed, ‘Fuck me’

“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” Matty asks nervously.

“I was going to get lunch”

“Mind if I join you?” He smiled at you, hoping you would say yes, but also not wanting to look too excited if you said no.

“I don’t mind”

He mentally high fived himself once you agreed to him joining you for lunch.

“I’ll lock up the shop..” He said, walking over and locking the door and flipping the sign to ‘CLOSED’ before walking back over to you.

He pushed the door open for you before following you out of the store. Once the door was closed and locked he turned to you. “So, where to?”

“I noticed this cute little cafe around the block. Looks fucking cool”

“Lead the way then darling, I trust your judgment”

He followed beside you as you made your way to the cafe, looking down at you as he walked, thinking about how small you were compared to him. After a few moments you guys reached the cafe. It looked like an old 70s diner from the outside, but it was modernized on the inside. The place looked cool as hell.

“You have good taste..”

He said, looking around at the restaurant and then down at you. He noticed a booth in the corner and put a hand on your back gently. You shiver at the touch.

“Table or booth?”

He chuckled at you being indecisive “Booth it is”

He motioned for you to walk in front of him then put his hand on your back again, guiding you over to the booth in the corner. He motioned for you to sit before he slid into the other side. You can tell he was trying to hide his nerves. As you were too.

He looked at you for a second, catching a glance of your expressions and sensing mutual nervousness. He decided to say something just to break the silence.

“Do you come here often?” He joked with a smirk.

“God not the date jokes already”

He chuckled at your comment “I’m sorry, I had to.”

He smiled at you, trying his best to stop himself from staring. You were just so pretty it was so hard not too.

A waitress walked up to them with a pencil and notepad, ready to take their order.

You guys ordered your food. Eating silently. You broke the ice.

“Where are you from?”

Matty perked up at the question, he was glad you said something, “Manchester, UK.. I moved here a few years ago.”

“You like America so far?

He shrugged, taking a sip of his soda “It’s not bad. The people are.. different for sure. Definitely different then they are in the UK.” He chuckled slightly.

“But that’s okay though…”

He looked at you as he spoke. He smiled softly at you before he continued “I like different. It’s new.”

As you guys talked, Matty's eyes lingered on your face for a little too long. He was captivated by your features. He couldn't help but feel drawn to you. However, he tried his best to act casual and not let it show too much.

He took another bite of his food before speaking again. "What about you? Have you lived around here your whole life?"

“Sadly”

“Why sadly?”

“Well it’s…America”

Matty chuckled softly and nodded his head in understanding. He knew exactly what you meant. The current states of the country weren't great to say the very least.

"Yeah the country is a mess. But some of the people here aren't bad. There's some good people here... Somewhere" He said jokingly before taking another sip of his drink and looking back at you.

There was a silence between them for a moment as he looked at you, a million thoughts running through his head. He then decided to change the subject before he continued staring at you for too long. There it was again, that same nervousness he felt before. He took a breath and spoke softly, hoping that it wasn't too obvious how nervous he was.

"So.. you said you were a uni student, right?"

“Yeah.”

“What’s your major?”

“Don’t laugh.”

"I won't laugh, but it can't be that bad" He teased with a chuckle.

“I’m a business major”

Matty's eyes widened in mock surprise, "No way, a business major? I would’ve never guessed.” He said sarcastically with a cheeky grin on his face.

“What do you want to do with a business degree?”

Shrugs at him, “Something I’ve always thought about.”

He nodded slowly as he thought about your response. He took another sip of his drink, noticing how you weren't giving him a lot to go off of. He wanted to keep the conversation going, but he didn't know how to keep it going if you weren't going to give him a little more

"You don't have any big aspirations in life? No end goal?"

“Not really, no”

Matty looked at you, slightly confused. He couldn't tell if you were serious or not. He tilted his head a little and spoke cautiously.

"Not really? How do you not have some sort of goal for life? Everyone has to have SOME sort of drive"

He waited for you to say something, but you just shrugged again. He was a tad bit baffled if he was being honest, but he tried not to show it. He leaned his elbows on the table and leaned forward slightly

"You're telling me you don't have a single ambition in this life? You just go with the flow?"

“Pretty much.”

He was still a little baffled, but that look of confusion was turning into a look of fascination. You intrigued him. You were the complete opposite of him. He had dreams and hopes, goals, things he aspired to be and do. He was determined to make something of himself. But you... you just didn't care, you just went with the flow, it was mesmerizing.

Then, his leg brushed against yours. The moment your leg made contact with his, he felt his heart skip a beat. The feeling of your skin touching his was electric, it sent tingles through his whole body. He tried to act nonchalantly by moving a little in his seat, but the truth was he wanted to feel more of your skin on his. He wanted to touch you, and feel you. You got goosebumps, the hair prickling up on your body. you fidget with your ear a little.

He noticed the change in your body language, the subtle fidgeting that signaled nervousness and excitement. It was intoxicating, the way you were reacting to him was exactly how he was feeling as well. He couldn't help but stare at you, noticing every little reaction you had to the contact.

You looked at him, eyes dilated. He saw the dilation in your eyes, and it made his heart skip a beat. Those gorgeous eyes, staring at him made him feel a way he couldn't describe. He felt his whole nervous system go into sensory overdrive. He could feel every little thing, he could hear your breathing, he could smell your perfume or lotion or whatever it was you wore. Everything about you was driving him insane in the best way possible.

One hour later you guys left the restaurant.As you guys walked out of the restaurant, Matty couldn't help but feel strangely disappointed. Being in such close proximity to you for that amount of time and not being able to fully express how he was feeling was killing him. As they walked out into the busy sidewalk, he couldn’t help but cast a sideways glance at you, admiring your beauty. Silence hung in the air as he tried to figure out what to say or do now.

“I should probably head home” you say.

“Could I walk you?”

Surprised by him, you decided to nod “Sure”

He nodded, trying to act calm and cool but inside he was doing a happy dance that you said yes. He fell into step beside you as you started to walk.

When you guys arrived at your place, Matty was close to you, too close to be exact. He was standing fairly close to you, so close that you could feel his breath on your skin and you could almost feel the heat coming off of him. He took a moment to look at you, studying your face up close, before speaking softly.

"This is you huh?"

“Yeah”

He didn't want to leave quite yet, so he stayed there in front of your apartment, standing close to you, practically inches away from you. He couldn't get over how gorgeous you were. He smiled to himself as he continued staring at you, suddenly feeling bold, he spoke, "You know.. you're absolutely beautiful"

You open your mouth, surprised by the gesture. “Thank you I suppose.”

He chuckled softly at your somewhat timid response. He had a cocky attitude, so he was a bit surprised when you didn't immediately respond with a cocky, "I know" or "I know I am". It both took him off guard, but also made him want you even more.

He took a step closer to you, his chest almost touching yours. He looked down at you, his heart racing in his chest. He was inches from you, and it took all of his self-control not to just grab you and kiss you senseless. You look up at him. You can tell his eyes are darker than normal.

He gazes down at you, his eyes locking on yours. He feels the heat coming off of your body, and it only makes him want to get closer. He slowly brings his hand up to your face, his fingertips gently brushing across your skin. “Can I ask you something?"

You nod.

He let his hand rest on your cheek, his fingers gently stroking across your skin. He takes a breath, gathering his thoughts before speaking softly.

“Can I kiss you?"

“Please”

His brain nearly short-circuited at your response, and almost didn't believe you actually said yes. But before he had another doubt, he took another step towards you, closing the space between you. He pressed his body against yours and cupped your face with his hands. He looked into your eyes for a second before he gently leaned down and captured your lips with his.

You did backflips inside your brain. How did this happen, a cute guy from a music shop. kissing you in front of your apartment. you didn’t want it to end.

His arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to him. He deepened the kiss, his tongue gently brushing across your bottom lip, begging for entrance. He couldn't get enough of you. You open your mouth for him. He was soft to the touch.

He groaned softly when you opened your mouth for him. He wasted no time, his tongue eagerly exploring your mouth. He held you tighter against him, his hands gripping your hips as he kissed you.

“Come inside” you say, pulling away gasping.

He was slightly out of breath, and slightly dazed from the kiss. His brain took a moment to process what you had said, and when he registered it his heart skipped a beat. He looked at you, then looked at your apartment, then back to you.

"Wha-...are you sure?"

“I want you”

He was taken off guard by your bluntness, but he loved it. The way you spoke sent a shiver down his spine, and he couldn't help but nod in agreement. He wanted you just as badly, if not more.

"Fuck me" he muttered.

You guys entered your apartment. You were nervous, a good nervousness. Matty followed you inside, his heart racing. He couldn't believe this was actually happening, he was inside your apartment, alone with you, and you wanted him just as badly as he wanted you. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it, watching you in silence for a moment before speaking.

"Are you sure about this? I don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with"

You grab his hand, “Yes”

He felt your hand grasp his, and he felt a shiver run down his spine. He let you lead him further into your apartment, his mind racing with thoughts and fantasies. He wanted you so badly, but he still wanted to be respectful, so he let you take the lead.

He followed you deeper into your apartment, his mind racing with excitement and nervousness. Once you entered your bedroom, he took a moment to look around. Your room was simple but cozy, a reflection of you. He stood awkwardly for a moment, not quite sure what to do or say. You push him on the bed.

He let out a small gasp of surprise as you pushed him onto the bed. His heart was beating so hard he could hear it, and he couldn’t take his eyes off you. He watched you as you climbed on top of him, straddling his lap.

You grind your hips onto his, kissing his neck softly.

He groaned softly as you grind your hips against his, causing him to arch his back in response. He let out a shaky moan when you began kissing his neck, his hands immediately going to your hips, gripping them tightly.

You play with his shirt, “Can I take this off?”

Matty swallowed hard as you started playing with the hem of his shirt, his skin buzzing from your touch. He nodded his head quickly as he spoke,

“Please, take it off”

He shivered as you slowly pulled his shirt up, the feeling of your hands on his skin was incredible. He lifted his arms and allowed you to completely remove the shirt, leaving his chest bare for you to look at. He felt a little self-conscious for a moment, but then he looked at you and saw the look of desire in your eyes.

You kissed him desperately, you wanted more, right now. The heat in your body was too intense. you were soaked.

He kissed you back eagerly, his hands gripping your hips once again. He could feel the heat emanating from your body, and it drove him wild. He needed more, he wanted all of you. Matty tugged your shirt.

He pulled back from the kiss and looked down at you, noticing how the shirt was in the way. He looked back up at you, his eyes dark with desire,

“Take it off”

You take the shirt off. leaving you just in your bra.

Matty’s breath hitched in his throat as he gazed at you, sitting on his lap in nothing but a bra. His gaze roamed over your body, taking in every inch of you, and he swallowed hard,

“God- you’re gorgeous”

“Take my bra off, please?”

He reached up and slowly reached for the lacy fabric, his fingers trembling just a little as he hooked them around the straps. He took a deep breath and then began to gently pull it off. Once it was off, he tossed it aside and let out a shaky exhale as he looked down at your bare chest.

He had never seen anything more beautiful in his life, and all he could do was stare for a moment in awe. He gently ran his hands up and down your sides, his touch light and almost reverent,

"You're fucking gorgeous, darling. So goddamn beautiful"

He watches you intently oh fuck. he mutters under his breath in awe.

“Get up, darling” He gently tapped your hips, signaling for you to get off of him. You do, watching his next move.

He slowly unbuttoned his pants and slid them off, leaving him in just his boxers. He laid there in front of you, in just his boxers, his bare chest on full display. He could feel your eyes roaming over his body.

You walked back to the bed crawling on the edge. You move your hand to his boxers.

His breathing hitches at the touch, his eyes flutter shut as he leans back into the pillow, “Ohh. Fuck”

You move it slightly, “Am I doing something wrong?”

Shakes his head, unable to form words. He lets out a low moan as you move your hand, “No. No. It feels good. Just like that.”

“Can I take them off?”

Nods almost imperceptibly, his breath coming in short pants. yeah. yeah you can. he manages to get out, his hips buckling slightly as he anticipates your touch.

He lets out a low groan as you remove his briefs, his body tensing up with pleasure. his cock is fully erect, the tip glistening with precum, "Oh god. fuck."

He brings his and around your ass, rubbing it, he asks you if he can help you out of it. Nodding, he reaches up and gently begins to pull your pants down, his touch soft and deliberate. Once they're off, he throws them to the side, but not before taking a moment to admire your legs.

He smiles a bit as he continues to watch you, moving his hand further up your leg and towards your inner thigh. He leans in closer, whispering in your ear, “You ok?”

“Yeah”

He looks up at you, smirks and slowly moves your panties to the side, exposing your pussy to his view and touch. He starts to rub your clit, teasing it with his fingers.

Moaning at his touch, as he starts to rub your clit faster, his thumb pressing down on it while his fingers slide up and down your pussy lips. Matty gets up, and goes to his wallet. He ripped out a condom. He then taps your waist once more.

Guiding you back down onto him, “Come here, love.”

You climb on top of him again. He rolls onto his back, guiding you to straddle him with your legs on either side of his hips. He grips your hips, his touch firm and guiding as he helps you position yourself over him.

He groans in pleasure as you sink back down onto him, the heat and tightness of your body enveloping him completely,

“Oh god, yes. Just like that.” He grips your hips, steadying you as he begins to thrust upwards into you in a slow, steady rhythm.

“Fucking christ. You take me so good, baby. Fuck. Yeah just like that” he whines out a breath in pleasure, as you ride him up and down. His breath was hot on your neck, gently sucking and moaning. Hands roam all over your body.

He gently guides your hips, urging you to move up and down on top of him. Their whines are mixed together. He was different from other men you slept with, he wasn’t quiet in bed.

He lets out a low moan, his fingers digging into your hips as you start to move in earnest, “Ah, fuck, that's it.”

His thrusting up, it grows more urgent, meeting your downward movements with force.

His breathing quickening as you begin to grind your hips in circles.

He opens his eyes, gazing up at you with a look of pure adoration and lust, “Fucking christ, gorgeous, love.”

He reaches up to cup one of your breasts, his thumb rubbing over the hardened nipple. You moan his name at the touch.

He groans at the sound of your moan, his hips bucking up into you in a desperate bid for release. “Bloody hell,”

Your stomach turns into a knot, as you reach down to your clit. He grips your hips, holding you steady as you begin to touch yourself.

“Oh fuck, yes” His moans got louder even further, a little sweat breaking out on his forehead as he watched you. “I'm so close.”

Your cunt tightened around his cock. He shudders beneath you, his thrusts faltering as he comes. You continue to ride out your orgasim.

He wraps his arms around you, holding you close as you both ride out the waves of pleasure. He plants a kiss on your neck, his lips lingering there as he catches his breath.

You decided to get up, wincing as you pulled out of him. He takes off the condom, tying it off and putting it in the trash can near your bed.

“Let me clean you up,” he says.

You shook your head, “It’s okay”

He gets up and walks to the bathroom in your bedroom, returning with a warm, damp cloth, “No, let me.”

He gently wipes between your thighs, his touch tender and caring. You were completely blissed out, still coming down from your high when you felt Matty gently wipe between your thighs. You watched him as he did so, noticing how tender and caring he was being. A small sigh escaped your lips as he continued, the feeling of the warm cloth against your sensitive skin was so soothing.

“Thank you.”

Matty looked up at you and smiled as he finished cleaning you up. He gently patted your thigh as he spoke, "No need to thank me, love"

You look hazily. Matty smiled at you, noticing the tiredness look in your eyes. He set the cloth on the bedside table and climbed back onto the bed, laying next to you.

"You feeling okay darling?"

“Tired.”

Matty chuckled softly and nodded, understanding how exhausted you must be. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you closer to him, your head resting on his chest.

He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head, and held you close to him as he got comfortable. The room was quiet, and the only sound was the steady rhythm of his heart beat. He felt relaxed and content, having you close to him like this, and he knew that he was never going to let you go.

Blurb idea like maybe when they are in a relationship george is like matty u need a hair cut but he agrees to george cutting it if he lets matty do the same to him

See first off I see them just playing FIFA or watching a documentary on the TV and Matty is laying on George’s lap while George threads his hand through Mattys hair but his fingers keep getting caught in knots so he looks down at him as Matty is falling asleep and he’s like “Hey love ! I think it might be time for a haircut again”, in Mattys sleep addled brain he just nods not really hearing what’s George says

But the next day when there out George stops outside a barber Matty is like “what are we doing “, George then retells Matty agreed to last nigh but Matty is stood shaking his head “I don’t want to George , I like my hair like this” ,

“But it’s getting long love it getting knotty”

“I can just brush it more”

George then explains that everything will be okay, and the he’s getting his hair cut too so there’s nothing to worry about , they can get it done together, quickly an idea builds in Mattys head and George can tell he’s thinking “what’s that face about huh?”

“I’ll get my hair cut if you do it , I can do your too”, he’s smiling at George now and George can’t really see why it would be a bad idea for them to do it for each other because if they mess up it’s fine they can both just buzz it.

“Alright”

So later on the day

A laughter can be heard trailing through the loft that they share together and laughter along with a drowned buzzing, Matty was stood over George and George is sat on the floor in the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his shoulders so that hair could be collected easier

“So how would you like your hair today Mr Daniel?” Matty enquired just like he was an actual barber.

“How about you just buzz it love , that’ll be new and easier to control “ Matty was stood for a second contemplating the idea, trying to imagine what it would look like then he slowly brings the clippers to George’s hair a begins his art work. Still pretending he’s a barber

“Any plans this weekend then”

“Just studio work really and date night with Matty, that’s why I’m getting a haircut, he should be through next” , Matty laughed along with him smiling at the prospect of Date night, they’d been so busy lately that they hadn’t gotten to do much together as of late. When he was finished George’s hair he put the clippers down and carefully pulled him up to see in the mirror

“Do you like it”

“I love it Matty , thank you, it’s your turn now”

Matty takes George’s place on the floor slightly nervous “can we just put it a little bit shorter, I don’t want it to short and maybe just tidy up the sides” , he was combing through his hair explaining to George how he’d like it and how it needs to be done

“That I can do love”

That’s my man right there

Chapter three

Word count :1941

I think we all hate/hated school as much as matty in this fanfiction , I swear if I had the courage to walk out and act up I’d be exactly like this 🙄😂

I trudge through the halls pulling my rucksack straps around me before sliding into my English class all ther way to my seat in the back next to my friend Jamie I place my rucksack on the table infront of me and pull my phone out of my pocket again and put my earphones in to listen to music after picking a playlist I go back to Pub-G and open my messages sending George a quick message with my number and Snapchat attached explaining that it's easier to talk there I then rest my head on the table as I wait for the teacher to come , sleep once again overcoming me slowly

Again just before I have time to fully succumb to sleep my phone vibrates on the table I pick it up to see a Snapchat alert from the same user as Pub-G , I smile as I open it and swiftly accept it and quickly send him a quick snap of my hair with a simple "fancy seeing you here ". A reply doesn't come straight away so I gather he is in class now and actually working .

Just at that my teacher decided to make an arrival. I roll my eyes immediately as he starts talking and slowly sink into my chair avoiding his gaze at all costs because I just know he will be all over me for answers because I'm so far getting an A* for this class but I really don't want to be talking to anyone right now. The buzz of the classroom keeps me awake only slightly as everyone conversates over something or other and I have my phone glued to my hand again in wait of George's snap , which doesn't take to much longer to come through. I receive a snap from him , it's full face and damn is that a good looking man , not that I'm gay but I can very much appreciate a good looking chap , his eyes do how ever seem to be just as blown as mine and red rimmed , his face is broken out in a wild smile and his hair is trapped under his hood , with a simple caption of "Yooo dude "

I smile to myself at the obvious stoner I have befriended , I then take another picture but this time making sure I get my whole face in , leaning on my hand as I take it "Bro you look wrecked...are you okay?honestly ?"

His reply comes through momentarily another of his face but looks like he's rolling his eyes dramatically "nah man ...shit sucks right now but I'll be fine "

I look around to make sure no one is looking at me as I can't really hear anything then quickly snap another pick of me making a stupid face hopefully cheering him up a little "you sure don't wanna talk about it ay?". Helping someone through there struggles might help me forget for a little while why I'm so tense and stressed.

The replies are getting faster so it get another almost instantaneously his face still in the shot still looking done with life...I can relate "just girls man...broke up with my girl the other day ...well she broke up with me ". I feel bad for the dude , break ups are tough especially at his age , I know I'm not that much older than him but geez I was even more on edge then than I am now and that's saying something so if he's anything like me he's got to be struggling like mad right now

I send another snap of a stupid face back but this time with a video and I flip my teacher off from behind my screen , again hoping to maybe cheer him up "that's tough man ...any reason why ?".

I don't get a picture snap this time just a message "she thinks I don't care about anything ...I'm too laid back ...don't care about my future ...I don't have any "real" ambition and she also hated that I got so into weed " I scoff as I read the message as Ive heard that too much in my life from girls. They're pretty but they suuuuuck.

I must have scoffed louder than I thought I had , after being pulled out of my own little world by Mr Lezdon

"Mr Healy , is there something you'd like to share ....also please remove your bag from the table it should be long gone by now "

"No sir sorry I just hiccuped ...I'm so sorry " I move my rucksack into my lap so I can slouch  on it with my arms wrapped softly around it. I try to pay attention but my hands were itching to take my phone back out so I opt for drumming hands on my lap and resting my head back onto my desk while listening to Mr lezdon talk about symbolism and juxtapositions between two poems that we had been reading. Man I should have slept last night I'm really struggling right now. I have an apiffany and raise my hand and ask to go to the bathroom. I'm allowed out this one time I take my phone out and reply back to George "I'm so sorry that must really suck girls really take a lot out of a guy ". I take this as an opportunity to sneak out for another zoot , If I'm going to stay here all day I really need this. It's not going to help with my tiredness really but anything to ease the dull throbbing vibrating through me, to still the buzzing in my brain. It's go to be quick though. My phone vibrates in my pocket once again I see another text reply from George "yeh I'm just done right now I know it's lame cuz she's just a girl but we were going strong and I guess I'm young but I thought we had a good thing ...but what can you do ,"

I smile again as I manage to get outside without being spotted and take another  zoot and the lighter out of my trousers pocket. It's slightly flat due to the pressure between my thighs and trousers but it will do. After taking a video of me with the zoot lit and between my lips captioned by "just have a zoot bro  " I get a quick reply of laughing emojis straight back with a "smoking is bad for you Matthew " not so long after

I take about five minute to myself to finish my joint and just bask in the quiet and the fresh air before I go back inside. It's so hard to find time for myself at the moment there sooo much to be getting on with. The joint calmed me down quite a bit more than the last one had so after making my way back to class I get back to my seat after a few glares from people who I know 100% knew what I was doing. I reply to George quickly with a cheeky emoji and said "I know but I'm bad for me " meant to be as a joke but maybe not sounding so. For the rest of the class I just lay with my head resting on my arm on the desk as the world moves on by around me .

The rest of the morning up until break time flies by not paying attention in most classes and sitting with Jamie half asleep brings him to speak to me at break time

"Hey mate are you okay ? " I pressed a supportive hand on the small of my back as we make our way through the crowd of teenagers as we go outside to meet Ross

"M' fine " I keep my head down as I'm in the mist of a banging headache and I just want out of the noise for a bit "honestly just tired ay "

"I know Ross has probably said and your mum ...but your not giving yourself time to be at peace right now Matty....you do so much in a day ...have barley anything to eat ...and your not sleeping right ...can you promise you'll tell us if anything gets to much " . He pauses us in the hallway and lifts my head up with my chin so I'm looking directly into my eyes . I nod nonchalantly "I'm fine Jay honestly...everyone needs to stop worrying "

"Promise me ?"

"Alright ...fine I promise " I roll my eyes at him this time and continue walking . I love my mates so much but my god to they worry too much.

"Good " . We reach the back gate as I pull out a cigarette out of my also crushed packet and light it quickly relishing in the rush of nicotine floating through my body i slouch against the back wall and close my eyes and let the cigarette consume me while Jamie is talking away when Ross comes over. I  cant decipher every part of the conversation but it takes me a minute to realise they're talking to me. Ross nudges me slightly shaking me off balance "Matty mate ??"

"Huh ... I wasn't paying attention...what did you say ?" I look at them properly now giving them my full attention while taking another long drag

"Jay and I were wandering if you'd like to come back to his after school, some drinks , just to relax for a bit " . They look at me with hopeful grins "you've been on edge for weeks now you need it ?"

It's true I have been quite skittish and on edge for a while now. "I'm sorry guys , I've got work tonight then I've got to look after Loiue for a little while, you can see me at work though and help me look after Lou if you'd like ?"

"I can come see you at work" Jay isn't much round at mine so that makes sense

"Yeh I ain't seen the little dude in a while so I could come over bring some drinks and we can just chill while we look after him ? , Would you mum mind ? . Ross loves my house he was there most days before work and GCSEs got the better of us

"No I'm sure she won't mind so long as lou is in bed by 8 and we don't make to much noise " I smile and get slightly more excited at the prospects of seeing my best friend after school like we used too "thank you Ross "

"You don't have to thank me mate... we're just really worried about you and your mental health right now...and we want you to be okay " . Our conversation is interrupted by the noise of the bell ringing through everywhere alerting us it's time to go back in

"Guys seriously I'm fine stop worrying " I nod to them both before making my way back inside. I've got maths next. Let's so how this goes down it never goes well. I take out my phone again putting my headphones back in and realising I have at least 2 messages from my mum reminding me about looking after Lou later and asking if I've eaten . Shit I forgot , I message back a little white lie saying that I had as to not upset her. Then I see George has sent a snap

It's just his face again looking a little more awake this time "what do you mean by not being good for yourself "

Snapping back with what I mean expressing that im usually my own worst enemy and that it's not always the best thing for me to be me or in my head . Im sure he'd understand

List of “falling for someone you thought you’d never fall for, but here you are (you absolute fool)” prompts

“Oh, God, what?”

“I don’t even know what to say to this information.”

“…I mean, I can’t say I’m upset about this unexpected development.”

“They’re the one I want? Are you kidding me?”

“Oh, hell no.”

“For fuck’s sake—”

“This is not what I had in mind. Like. At all.”

“…I was flirting for fun.” 

“So I’m just gonna sit here and contemplate the decisions I’ve made in life which have lead me to this point.”

“I think I just played myself.”

“This can not be happening right now.”

“I didn’t even want them like that—” “Well, now you do, so you’re gonna have to take responsibility for that.”

“My feelings aren’t real and my heart’s a fucking idiot.”

“I mean, feelings come and go. Surely I don’t have it that bad for them.”

^ “Well…” they say, nervous laughter on the tip of their tongue. “Never mind about that.” 

always 🥹🫨 can’t get enough

anyone having sub matty thoughts? let me know 😉

cap!matty, you are so special to me.