"There Was One SOLDIER Named Sephiroth, Who Was Better Than The Rest. But When He Found Out About The

Astarion in Castlevania (Netflix) style

Toucan discovers a traffic cam. video

Just completed my first digital drawing, and who could I have drawn if not the greatest edgelord himself!

pov: you’ve just got home from the early screening of season 2.

twitter is waiting for the spoilers.

tumblr is waiting for the spoilers.

the Spoiler Gremlins are biting at the walls of their enclosure.

you crack out your phone. time to give the people what they want. you open twitter, type the spoiler, you’re about to press 'post'…

then, the lights go out.

that’s weird. must be a blackout.

you go to find a flashlight, and you swear you hear some sort of scampering in the hallway. you shine the flashlight; nothing there. huh. weird.

you return to your room, and open the door.

there’s a figure standing in the darkness.

your heart drops.

the figure makes no move.

gulping, you aim the flashlight and click it on.

it’s neil gaiman.

The Wall

I always wondered if they met…

So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.

good things will happen 🧿

things that are meant to be will fall into place 🧿

I’m sorry I had to

Alto I just diacovered the ultimate Sephiroth birb:

The Sword-billed Hummingbird

omfg that's perfect lmao he no longer needs Masamune to get the job done.