Oh Andrew Rannells Character Types. How I Love You

fucking hollywood, man

one kind of funny thing about the dear evan hansen movie is that even though the wealth gap between the hansen’s and the murphy’s is supposed to be like, one of the story’s central conflicts, they still do the hollywood thing where they just loudly declare a character is poor even though they’re wearing expensive clothes and they live in a nice house and they own the newest model of iphone. like. yes absolutely i believe this kid is so poor and lonely that he needs to deceive a grieving family for companionship. i know he lives in a well decorated two-story and dresses like he’s on his way to church at all times, but his mom asked him apply to scholarships! damning evidence, clearly.

I just thought of this, why-

Sally Face: Hey, is your name short for anything? Just asking.

Travis: Well, my father calls me a travesty.

Skidaddle skidoodle i'm crying aggressively in an empty bathtub at 10 p.m.

in trousers for me is a great example of yes i love this i am obsessed with this no i would not recommend it to anyone

DEH Incorrect Quotes Pt. 8 I Think??

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Jared: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

Evan:

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Jared: I feel like doing something stupid.

Evan: I'm stupid.

Jared: ...?

Evan: Do me?

Jared: oH-

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Miguel: As the top of this relationship, I think we should-

Connor: I can't believe your pulling rank on me.

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Evan: I still have no idea how I'm attracted to you...

Jared: Too bad. You're stuck with me now, honey.

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Evan: My life is a mess.

Jared: Relax. Go get a beer.

Evan: I don't want a beer?

Jared: Who said it was for you?

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Evan: We vegetarians love the environment. Carnivores are sick freaks.

Connor: How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the fucking plants.

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Jared: I'm bored, any suggestions?

Alana, trying to get him to have a decent sleep schedule: Sleeping is nice.

Jared: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

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Connor: When life gives you lemons, what do you do?

Alana: Make lemonade! :)

Connor: No! You throw the lemons back up into the sky and make life deal with it's own shit!

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Evan: That's illegal, right?

Jared: Why do you care, are you fucking a cop or something?

Evan: No-

Jared: Then shut the fuck up.

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7 year old Zoe: I lost my fish, can you help me find it?

9 year old Connor, cooking the fish: What? Speak up, I can't hear you.

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Alana: Just be yourself, say something nice!

Jared: Which one? I can't do both.

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Zoe: Are you drinking enough water?

Evan: Sometimes my tears get in my mouth.

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Evan: I wanna die.

Jared: We all do, you're not special.

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Evan: Pick a card, any card.

Connor: Fine.

Evan: Wait, that's my credit card-

Connor: You said any card.

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Miguel: So, what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Connor: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Miguel: Uh yeah, I guess-

Connor: Then I'd sleep.

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Evan: Where are you going??

Jared: Hell, eventually.

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Zoe: Hey besties-

Jared: Die.

Zoe: What did I ever do to you-

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Evan: Jared, I sense hostility.

Jared: Good, because I fucking hate you.

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Miguel: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

Connor: That doesn't exist-

Miguel: Not with that attitude.

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Miguel: I wanna be called cute 21/7.

Connor: Why not 24/7?

Miguel: Snack breaks.

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Connor, annoyed af: Why can't trees give off something fucking useful... like wifi.

Jared:

Jared: So then just fuck oxygen I guess.

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Alana: *Sharpens knife* We have ways of making people talk.

Alana: *Cuts piece of cake*

Evan: ....Can I have some?

Alana: Cake is for talkers.

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Evan: What are you drinking?

Jared: Vodka.

Evan: Straight???

Jared: No, gay. Why?

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Jared: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMBFUCK!

Evan: LET ME RUN AWAY FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!!

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Connor: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.

Zoe: And I need you to be less vague and weird-

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Alana, texting: Answer your phone

Jared, texting: Wait a minute, I can't find my phone.

Alana: Understood.

Alana, five minutes later: You're a terrible person. You know you're killing me. You're killing me, Jared.

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Evan: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it.

Evan: And I started thinking.

Evan: Like, it was just trying to get food.

Evan: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?

Alana: Are you ok?

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Miguel: What is the one thing I told you not to do?

Connor: Burn the house down.

Miguel: And what did you do?!

Connor: I made dinner.

Miguel:

Connor:

Miguel:

Connor: Okay fine. And burnt the house down.

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Evan: Hello, Jared. Made anyone cry today?

Jared: Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30.

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Alana: When's the last time you slept?!

Jared: Uh.. a few days ago, I think??

Alana: How many days?

Jared: *Starts counting on his fingers*

Jared: I need more fingers.

Alana: What yOU NEED IS S L E E P!

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Zoe: HELP! I'M DROWNING!!

Connor: Calm down, we're only in six feet of water.

Zoe: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!

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Jared: What'cha doing?

Connor: Stealing my neighbours cat.

Jared: Scandalous.

Jared: Can I help?

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Jared: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’

Evan: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

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Connor: *makes Miguel a cup of tea but puts salt in it*

Miguel: *sips tea*

Connor:

Miguel: *finishes tea*

Connor: Didn't it taste bad?

Miguel: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.

Connor, tearing up: Oh, okay.

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Alana: So I have made the decision to trust you.

Evan: A horrible decision, really.

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Evan: Hopefully, Jared has learned a lesson about respecting other people's feelings.

Jared: Oh shut up and die, Evan.

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Connor: Alright, listen up you little shits-

Connor: Except you, Alana. You're an angel, and we're thrilled you're here.

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Zoe: Can you pass the salt?

Jared: Can you pass away?

Zoe: Too much salt.

Random DEH Incorrect Quotes I Found While Poking Around (Pt. Four) :

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Jared: You know what I've always wondered? How do tall people like you sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you from your shoulders to your toes?

Connor: It's fucking four a.m.

Jared: So you can't sleep?

Jared: ....Is it because of the blanket?

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Alana: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of items you have lost throughout your life

Evan: Self-esteem! Haven't seen you in years!

Connor: Oh wow, childhood innocence! Can't believe you found this!

Zoe: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Jared: Moral code, is that you?

Alana:

Alana: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mom left me but do you guys need a hug?

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Connor: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Evan: This knife is actually my magic wand.

Zoe: Meet me in the Denny's parking lot for a magic wizard duel.

Jared: *Cocks gun* Magic missile.

Alana: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

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Alana: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Zoe: Have everyone stand.

Evan: Bring three more chairs!

Jared: The most important ones can sit down.

Connor: Kill three.

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Good For You & Words Fail Be like:

Alana: Looking left because you don't treat me right.

Heidi: Looking right because you left.

Zoe: Looking up cause' you let me down.

Jared: Looking down cause' you fucked up.

Evan: What the fuck is wrong with you guys

a bit spicy, but hilarious nonetheless.

super-duper whizzer centric! third person hovers him the whole time, plus, worrylesswritemore is a damn icon and I have been both cackling and sobbing at their fics (if you want more I can scrounge around).

!!!!! DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY WHIZZER-CENTRIC FANFICS?? istg ive been looking but i cant find any

Evan and Jared?

Evan and Jared.

my favorite thing is when people are like “this is my favorite character and they suck”. not even “they are flawed but I still like them” just “I like them because they’re pathetic”

*andrew trying to pretend like he didn't just go through the whole of a day in falsettoland*

Why does Whizzer sleep like an ill victorian child??

It's Quote Time Again (P- pt. 10? I think?Dk)

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Jared: Do you consider me your friend?

Evan: Uh, yeah. What else would you be?

Jared: I don't know. An embarrassment? A way to rebel against Hedi? A desperate cry for help? The list is endless.

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Zoe: Oh my god, Evan! Those pants look great! And I bet they would look even better on Jared's floor!

Jared: Did

Jared: Did you just hit on Evan... for me???

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Connor: I'm thinking of a number-

Zoe: 420.

Connor: No, that's so fucking immature of you. Someone else guess.

Jared: 69.

Zoe: He literally just said-

Connor: Yeah, it was 69.

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Evan: Mom, do you know anything about emails? Specifically how to fake them?

Heidi: Emails? Evan, what is this for?

Evan: . . .

Evan: Fun

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Alana: Do you want to talk about it?

Jared: No, I just want to cry and watch memes.

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Zoe: I had a dream that we got in a huge fight.

Connor: Who won?

Zoe: Me.

Connor: Yup. Definitely a dream.

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Mark: We got a divorce.

Heidi: No, we messed up a perfectly good son. Look at it, it's got anxiety.

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Alana: What does BDSM mean?

Jared: Being Dead Sounds Magnificent.

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Alana: Why are people so caught up in top or bottom? Honestly, I would be super happy just to have a bunk bed!

Connor:

Evan:

Zoe:

Jared: I'm gonna tell her.

Zoe: Don't you dare

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Evan: When was the last time you ate?

Jared: Food is a social construct created and perpetuated by large scale agricultural interests.

Evan: It's... it's really not.

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Connor: It's hard to be the gay cousin, the emo cousin, and the family failure, but someone's gotta do it.

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Alana: You should really get over Evan, Jared.

Jared: I'd rather get him under me.

Alana:

Alana: Touché.

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Zoe: I dare you to kiss the next person that walks in the room.

Connor: Eh, no. That's stupid.

Miguel: *Walks in* Hey, anything cool happening in here?

Connor: Okay, well maybe I'll do it. Rules are rules, y'know...

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Evan: Have you ever had a partner?

Jared: Nah.

Evan: Wha- how?!

Jared: *Shrugs* I dunno, never asked, never got asked.

Evan: *Under his breathe* But your kinda really hot though..

Jared: What?

Evan: What?

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Jared: I fucked up. I fucked up,

Evan: Why? What happened?

Jared: I fucking fell for someone.

Evan: Damn. Must be someone really special for The Insanely Heartless and Cold Jared Kleinman to fall for them.

Jared, glaring at Evan: Yeah. Real special.

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Connor: Miguel is out of town, I'm cutting off all of my shirt sleeves.

Alana: ...Why?

Connor: He's pretty much, like, %90 of my impulse control.

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*SQUIPed Jared AU bcz I felt like it*

J's SQUIP: Straighten your back.

Jared: My back will be as gay as I want it to, fuck you.

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Evan: Kiss, marry, kill: Me, Connor, Alana

Jared: Kiss Alana, marry you, kill Zoe.

Zoe: I wasn't even on the list, what the hell?

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Zoe: Settle a bet, what day is it?

Jared: Friday?

Zoe: Well, well, well, looks like none of us got it right. This idiot thought it was Tuesday. *Looks at Connor*

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Evan: I look back on being 17 and think:

Evan: "Oh my god, how did I not die?"

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Evan: Why would you give Connor a knife?

Zoe, the tired younger but more mature sibling: He felt unsafe.

Evan: Well, now we feel unsafe! *Points to himself and Jared*

Zoe: I'm sorry,

Zoe: Do you want a knife?

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Connor: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Evan: My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

Jared: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

Alana: My life is a little too much imagine and not NEARLY enough dragons.

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Novel Evan: Okay! Step one of being popular: Be straight.

Novel Jared: *Exists*

Novel Evan, bi panicking: Okay! Failed step one!

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Alana: When I was small-

Jared: *Snorts*

Jared: "was"

(He likes to feel tall)

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Novel Evan: I'm pretty good at hiding crushes!

Novel Jared: *Walks in*

Novel Evan: I have to gay- I mean go

As an artist I can confirm that this is indeed the most accurate thing I’ve seen all fucking day.

twinkle twinkle little star

why is art so fuCKING HARD