Entry #25, 11/22/19

Entry #27, part 2

...until Yuri told us we were allowed to massage each others freely and as we wanted to. Raph asked me, if I wanted him to go on and take care of my shoulders, and of course I said yes. I mean, why should I miss out on a free relaxing program? XD As he was moving his hands along my back and shoulders, I closed my eyes and just listened to all of the sounds the kids around us made. Suddenly, I heard Yuri say my name, and that’s when I started to listen to her. >>... and Mary looks like she’s having the time of her life.<< HELL YEAH I WAS! It was so relaxing to have someone who genuinely cares about you sitting behind you... and so strangely unfamiliar, too. I don’t know, I guess I should find more people who care about me.

That afternoon, we met up again. But that time I needed help with math, and since he mentioned that he was good at it and we got along just fine (if you get the reference you get bonus points), I decided to ask him to help me. And he did! After we finished, we talked about music, and somehow drifted off, which led to him... hugging me. He. Hugged. Me. I cannot put into words how wanted I felt at that moment. More than I have for a very, very long time. Though, sadly I didn’t feel much... Anyways. About an hour after that, he went ‘home’. I accompanied him, and when we parted ways, we hugged again.

On the 3rd, Raph’s little brother and the little sister from a friend of mine thought it would be funny to push Raph’s and my head together as to make us kiss.

...it didn’t work. XD

Nothing else happened, until I was going for a walk on the beach at night. It was about.. 7 pm, and already dark outside. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, hiding the stars and the moon, tainting the sea a deep, dark brown-ish black. The horizon itself was a fulfilling black, turning lighter the higher one looked at the clouds. I adored the sight. As I went, I talked to myself like I usually do. That eventually led to me crying, becoming aware of how absolutely useless I was to everyone around me, how much I disappointed the ones that cared about me in a seemingly whole other world, a timeline long forgotten... and I may have let myself go too much. I cried like I haven’t in a long, long, long time. I don’t know if it was good to let out my feelings or stupid because someone could possibly have listened to my sobbing... normally, if I do cry, I cry in company of someone I trust or care about. And up until that day, I was physically not able to. I don’t know why, but I could never cry on my own. There always had to be someone. But maybe... I didn’t feel alone that night? Maybe I felt as if someone was with me, even when they were not physically there? I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll find out any time soon, but it’s definitely worth thinking about.

On the 4th, me and Raph went to the beach together at night. The stars were shining brightly, brighter than I’ve ever seen them sparkle, the moon was more beautiful than I had it in mind... everything just seemed a lot brighter and better. We talked for about an hour, then his mother told him to come back to their room. I loved having him as my company. Even if it was very cold, I was determined to stay with him. And so I did. I even stayed on the bench a few minutes after he left, talking to myself again. But soon, it was too cold, so I went up to my room, too.

The 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th went without any notable events.

The 9th, though, was a good day for me. First, we went to a sports hall to do some sports. After that, we went back to the ‘daycare‘ and me and Raph just kinda... started cuddling? It was really nice, and time was going by way too fast, until... my commitment phobia kicked in. (I should probably tell you that I have commitment issues due to my HoRrIbLe past) I ignored it, tho, so I kinda forced myself into being happy, or feel comfortable... buuut that actually did the exact opposite. I felt pretty uncomfortable, but I ignored that too, so I could try and just let myself fall into the embrace, I guess? Honestly, I don’t regret it. I think I needed the cuddling, the intimacy towards another person. Something that I noticed was that he seemed very calm and relaxed. I think he enjoyed himself, too.

The next day was just stressful. I had to travel back home with ___ and my sister, and of course the two fought a lot. Anyways, that was the rest of my ‘vacation’. More information on what and how I’ve been doing for the past week in the next entry!

Mary out!~

Entry #27, 12/15/19

Hey there! I’ve decided to make this blog a little more colorful, and be less... monotone, I guess you could say? I’m still the same old me, just with more fun writing and not trying to hold things ‘‘Sterile’‘ and boring. (You gotta be true to yourself! ^^)

Anyways! It’s been way too long since I last updated, and I am really sorry. I’m back home, yay? Nonetheless, I shall inform you about what happened in the last week there. (Luckily, I wrote most of it down in my diary, so it’s easier for me to give you a little summary! ^^) If this post gets too long, I’ll split it in two parts so it’s not as hard to read. :3

So... on the last day I updated, the 30th of november, I actually went swimming with a friend I made there after I finished the post. I went with the girl and her family, just so I didn’t have to go with mine ^^° It was okay, apart from the fact that I can’t really swim... We still had a good time tho, because the water wasn’t even deep enough to properly swim. (It went to maybe my neck, but not higher, soooo...) The day after that, I went into the city. On the way back to my ‘‘room’‘, a couple of younger girls from my group came up to me and asked about Raph. (>>Do you liiiiiikeeee hiiiiimmmm?~<<) I laughed it off, and when I said >>yeah, he’s a cool dude.<< they just skipped/ran away giggling. Isn’t that cute?~ XD

That night, just before I wanted to go to bed, a thought entered my mind. >>Since you hate your school/classmates so much, why don’t you just change schools?<< After I thought about it for a while, I started looking up gymnasium schools (the highest grade of school you can go to for middle and high school here in Germany, for the ‘’smart and talented’‘ kids. I’m still not sure how I was accepted XD) near my hometown. There were actually quite a few, even good ones, but one in particular caught my eye. I just recently found out that it’s a private school, but at the time I was convinced that it was the best choice I had. I didn’t know how to confront my mother about this, tho, so I just waited for the right moment.

The day after, everything was going like normal, until the ‘‘therapy’‘-thingy started. The theme of the day was ‘‘partner massage’‘, and guess who my partner was? That’s right, the one and only Raph. He was first to massage me (under the guidance of Yuri, the caretaker that always did the ‘‘relaxing therapy’‘), and BOY does he know how to use his hands properly! so there I was, laying in heaven, not wanting that moment to ever end... but unfortunately everything has to end someday. So it was my turn to massage him, and with my baby hands and shyness I barely pressed down on him. He told me to be more aggressive a couple of times, trying to make me feel confident.

He didn’t succeed. XD

I went on, trying not to hurt him or press the wrong spots, until... ah, I need to cut this off here. I’ll be back in a bit, seeya!

Entry #19, 9/26/19

Hello. In the past week I got new shoes, black ones, along with black fingerless mittens. I do have almost everything in black, except for my phone case. It's purple going over to blue, and I can't even put into words how much I can't stand it. It has the wrong colors, small (obviously fake) diamonds on the side, and it's overall too glittery. It maakes me want to puke, but as long as I don't have anything else, I'll have to live with it.

I started writing a little fanfiction out of boredom, and two of the three people I showed it to think it's good. I might publish it, but only here. There are too many people that follow my wattpad to post it there. Yes, I do consider 62 (I think?) too many. Nobody comes around here, so yeah. I'm already working on chapter two, and fortunately I'll have enough time for that on the weekend.

Me and Sophie started talking daily again. We're currently roleplaying, only boku no hero academia for now. Maybe Creepypasta will be a project for the future again, who knows?

Nothing else really happened, but there's a lot of exams coming up, but other than that there's no interesting thing to talk about anymore. So goodbye, readers.

Entry #32, 11/2/20

Bonjour, mes amis! I hope you’re doing well! ^^ There hasn’t been much going on lately, so I didn’t really have anything to tell you. I just wanted to quickly get out some facts about the school changing and put them out there.

So, number one: I won’t be able to change schools until after summer break. There’s no space in the classes right now, but hopefully they’ll accept me next year ^^

Second: Class starts at 7:50, so 10 minutes later than right now. I think it ends at about 12:45 as well, I’m not sure.

Yeah... not much, I know, but I didn’t intend this to be long anyway.

Oh, there is one more thing though! I got my report recently, and I only got 2 D’s this year! I’m honestly kinda impressed by myself, since I didn’t really study... But I want to change that! I need a really good report when I graduate, so I think I should start actually studying by now ^^° Anyways, that was it for now! Seeya soon!

~Mary~

Entry #11, 8/17/19

School started again, and I volunteered as a helper for the 5th graders. And one of the girls was looking just like me when I was younger. She had the hair, the features, even the height. I didn't talk to her, because today was only the ceremony where the 5th graders are let into the school and introduced to their classmates, but from the look in her eyes I can tell that she's pretty damn innocent. Thinking that she can make friends left and right.... I hope she doesn't end up like me and gets bullied. I want her to be taken into the class softly, not thrown into the cold water like me. When I see the kids on Monday, I'll make sure they all know they can trust me with anything. I hate giving myself compliments, but I think I'm a pretty good listener. I don't give the best advice, but I still can help people out (somehow).

Moving on, I've been drawing a lot of flowers lately. I'll show you later, in a separate post. I'm not good, but I've improved quite a bit over the past couple of months.

Nothing else really happened, and since I could only spill tea about my neighbors, I'll just say

Peace out, my dude/ettes/(nonbinary word for dude)s!

Entry #29, p.3

Welp, this one is going to be short. So: nothing really happened on the majority of the 26th, but at about 6pm, when 0 went to take a shower, * and ___ got into a huge argument. Before it started me and my niece were in the kitchen with the two. I was drawing, my niece watched me, everything was going good. But then * started to tell my mother about how the behavior of 0 is unacceptable for someone her age and that she’s getting treated like a princess etc. My mother (obviously) denied it, and then they started yelling in Spanish. *’s boyfriend got my niece out of the kitchen and went to watch a movie with her and my nephew. I just sat at the table, silently looking down at my sketchbook, a blank expression on my face... I didn’t know what to do. I hate it when the adults, especially my family members, fight. I always feel so small and unimportant when they do... after a while, I felt like I’ve heard enough, but instead of going to the kids, I went up to my niece’s room and sat down there. I started talking to myself, crying, and soon enough I tried to calm myself down again. I felt like a helpless child, crying in the dark like that... and very pathetic. So, the only thing that came into my mind, was going to the others. After that, I was called into the kitchen, needed to apologize for how I talked to * while I was on vacation, then went back to watching the movie.

Aaaand that was everything. Nothing more happened, and honestly... I’m kinda glad about that. Cuz if something would’ve happened, it would’ve been something negative. So I’ll just say goodbye! Love ya :3

Happy new year, by the way! May it be better than any you ever had and bring you lots of love, luck and fortune!

I’ll see you, my lil Nekos~

~Mary~

Entry #30, 11/1/20

Hewwo, my dear reader/s!~ I just wanted to give a quick update, instead of just leaving you out because nothing particularly interesting happened.

I found out a couple of my grades! I probably have a B in French, a B in chemistry, a D in German (it’s so hardddddd--) and probably the first B I ever got in English. On the report card, that is. I had plenty of B’s on minor tests and sometimes even exams. But it’s only the report for the first half-year (?), so it’s fine.

I just remembered! I have a ‘‘meeting’‘ with the principal of my school this Friday! He was talking to my mother a couple of days earlier, and she then told me that he’d asked for a chance to talk to me in his office, alone. As I probably let you know before, I don’t feel much, but right now, just thinking about it- I’m pretty sure I’m either nervous or excited! After all, no student ever talks to the principal, except for the ones that violated a school rule (i. e. smoking on school grounds, selling drugs, consuming alcohol etc.). It’s actually kinda something to be proud of... just like the fact that I talked to the mayor of my little village. How many people my age, or just in general, can say that about themselves? It might not seem very special to anyone except myself, but I think it’s an honor to even get that chance. Anyways!  I’m kinda scared as to what he wants to talk about. I mean it’s obvious that he wants to talk because of my school-changing plans, but.. what if he doesn’t understand me? What if he won’t allow me to do it without a more ‘’valid’’ reason? I’ve been told that I won’t be needing one, but it’s always better to be prepared for everything. I’ll also be meeting up with the principal of the new school soon. Of course he’ll be wanting to talk to me (or really any other new student) before accepting them, especially in the middle of the year. I just need to make a good impression, and my report card isn’t particularly bad, either... pretty average, tbh. I mostly have C’s and B’s, maybe two or three D’s... based on my grades I’d probably be accepted. Especially to a public school. But if I screw up the ‘‘interview’‘... it’s pretty obvious what will happen. Soooo I just gotta do my best, let my widest polite smile shine, and best not wear make-up. (’‘Normal’‘ make-up wouldn’t be bad, but I only wear eyeliner and dark-blue lipstick. If I wear that I’m sure to get kicked out after the first 10 minutes) Apropos lipstick: a bro of mine (let’s call him... Don) ordered me black lipstick, without me even asking for it. I was just complaining about a classmate of mine that wouldn’t mind his own damn business (and I quote: ‘‘You should stop wearing that. Either black or nothing.’‘ and yeah, I told him multiple times that I couldn’t find black lipstick in any store I was in, but did that stop him? nope), and Don asked me why I didn’t just order it online. I told him that my mother would never allow that (internet= bAd; typical gen x), but he was already looking for it on amazon to prove a point. He showed me, I repeated myself, and we changed the subject. Thursday he came to me and said the following:

‘‘It arrives on Saturday.’‘

That.

Nothing else.

That was the first thing he said.

I think you can imagine how confused I was. Apparently it was really easy to tell that I was confused, cuz he clarified what he meant, which just led to me being even more confused.

Why would he do that?

I didn’t ask him to do it... I never even implied that I wanted him to do it?? Why would he waste money on something for me? I mean yeah, he’s a nice dude, but it’s just fake like from everyone else, right? Oh. I know what he’s planning. He wants to make me believe that he likes me, just so he can tell his friends how pathetic I am for thinking that. Or he wants to make fun of me because of our financial situation. Or he just wants to give me hope or whatever and then ‘let me down’, just like everyone else always did. I mean.. what reason would there be for him to genuinely give me a gift? None. I’m not even funny enough for him to consider me his friend. We barely talk! I guess I better get ready for public humiliation on Monday...

Anyways, that’s it from me. I’ll tell you how it all went when it happened.

Regards and hugs,

~Mary~

P.S: I finally watched Sanders Sides, and I find it very funny! ^^ I’m thrilled to see the next episode!~

Entry #21, 22/10/19

Apologies for my inactivity. I was at my big sister's place, and for obvious reasons I had no time to keep you updated.

Now that that's all cleared up... I have news. I got alcohol markers today! (From Touch, if anyone's wondering.) They're my first ones, and I of course already tried them out. I'll show you the result in the following post, maybe I'll publish all the pictures I took (from sketch to shading). Depends on if I want to or not. I personally think it turned out alright for my first attempt, and the fact that I was kinda experimenting with the thickness of the fineliner and the darkness of the shadows. I'm actually surprised I got the sketch not to look like absolute garbage, unlike normally.

I've decided to question my friendship with Pesto. He made fun of my interests (especially watching Anime and reading Warrior Cats), always tries to make me stay in a call with him by saying

You're just going because you don't like me.

Even after I said I'm tired. I immediately thought of it as toxic behavior, but ignored it, not noticing how much I wanted to avoid any conversation.

Yep, that's pretty much everything that has happened.

I'll see you around!

-Mary

You didn't ask for it, but here you go anyway.

me, apologizing in advance

Entry #29, 1/1/20

Hey there, everyone! (Or no one, depending on the audience I have... or not have ^^°) Anyways! I hope your holidays have been good! Mine have been... okay, I guess. But lemme start at the beginning like a normal person-

Before I get started, I’ll describe the way the home of my big sister is built so it won’t get confusing. So. The house they live in is three stories high: the ground floor belongs to my sister’s parents-in-law. Almost the whole flat there belongs to them; only the entrance hall is like a ‘‘common area’‘ and can be used by everyone. The 1st floor is parted in two flats, both belonging to my sis and her boyfriend. The bigger one is their normal living space, where they have most essential things like their kitchen, main bathroom and their bedrooms. The smaller one is only for my sis and her boyfriend, and maybe a guest that stays with them. That flat consists of a gaming/movie room for her bf, a smoking room for my sis, and a guest bedroom. Each flat also has their own bathroom: the smaller one has a small bathroom that only the males are allowed to use, the bigger one has a big/medium sized bathroom that only females are allowed to use. Now, onto the 2nd floor: it’s above the bigger flat, and just consists of two rooms, the children’s rooms. My niece and my nephew each have their own room, both built the same so they don’t fight. Now that you have a good image of what their house looks like, let’s get onto the actual blog!

So! My little sister (Who will be called 0/O from now on), ___ and I went to my big sister’s (her ‘’code’’ is *) place to spend the holidays with her, her boyfriend and her kids. The first day went quite well. We arrived, ate and I went to sleep in my niece’s room with her. On the 24th, I woke up at about 8 am- 2 hours before we started preparing breakfast. We went downstairs (to the kitchen), ate, and did whatever. Then, at about 5pm, * told us to go and get dressed festively, because we were eating in the entrance hall with her parents-in-law. I put on a hoodie, but apparently that wasn’t festive enough, so she gave me one of her tank-tops and wool jackets. (I’d just like to add that I hate, an I can’t stress this enough, HATE tank-tops. She knows that, but makes me wear them anyways, because ‘‘you have the right body for it’‘. Wer schön sein will muss leiden, I guess... even though I don’t want to-) She made me take a couple of pictures of her with ‘her part of the family’ (her kids, boyfriend and dogs), and after made me pose with my little sister and mother. I didn’t want to, but she said she’d give me chocolate, and honestly I thought it would’ve just been childish to be like ‘‘BuT i DoN’t WaNt To’‘, so I did. And it was only one picture. (One too much if you ask me-) Then we went downstairs to eat. The food was good, but I got a stomachache halfway-through the meal. I asked my sister for meds, and she said she’d go and see if they had any, buuut... she didn’t. I thought that she forgot, but in case she didn’t and just didn’t want to, I left it at that. I didn’t want her to be mad at me for being ‘impatient’, even though I got more and more uncomfortable with every second. Nonetheless, I forced myself to have a good time, because hey, it was Christmas eve, and I should enjoy the time I spend with my family and ignore a small, unimportant thing like a mild stomachache. So I did. And it was fun! I think... I mean the others seemed to have fun, and I tried real hard to find any emotion at all inside of me! ...but, you guessed it, I failed. There wasn’t a spark of anything; no happiness, no sadness, no nothing. It’s kinda sad if you think about it. I spent Christmas eve the best way possible, but didn’t feel the fun I should’ve had. One more reason to get ‘em back!

Anyways... after the meal we went to sleep, and when I got woken up by my niece the next morning (I was still sleeping on a mattress in her room), she had already been downstairs. She told me about all of the presents that were in the living room, and when my sister fake-woke up and yelled ‘‘OH MY GOD KIIIDS; SANTA WAS HEEEREEEE’‘ like an absolute madman, everyone assembled in the living room.

I’ll make a lil cut here to make it easier for you to read, the next part of the story will be published shortly! <3

~Mary~