Entry #28, 19/12/19

Yes, yes it is.

Chapter 1

She looked around the student flooded entrance of UA high, the school where heroes were formed. There were people all around, but not a single familiar face. She looked up again, taking her time to take in the beautiful view of the high school she was about to enter. The warming sun hit her face, and she read the initials she had seen so often before once again, still not believing her light grey eyes. She wasn't dreaming, it was real; she was about to enter the building, even though she was 3 weeks late, and she was going to get taught how to be a hero by real pros. With a now determined look on her face, she turned her face to the actual doors, and entered the old, huge school. The second she entered, she already loved the sight. She took it all in: the view, the smell, even the atmosphere. She took it in her heart, as if it could be ripped from her at any second, and started moving again after a good minute. The hazelnutbrown haired girl looked for her classroom, and found what she was looking for soon enough: ''CLASS 1-A'', the sign above the door said. She took a deep breath, opened the door, and saw a class full of students her own age, just joking aroud. She imagined all of this to be so different; in the many, many sleepless nights she had, where most of her thoughts revolved around her new school in a whole different coutry, the famous UA high, she imagined how the students would be, and she always came to the same result: top-students, stern, determined to win, serious. But here they were, just joking around, laughing, one was yelling, he had his ashblond hair spiked away from his head, another one was staring at the girls who were giggling and laughing. She took a closer look at the little guy, and quickly noticed the deep purple ball-shaped thigs on his head. not wanting anyone to know she was staring, she looked for a seat, and luckily found one near the widow. It was a lonely little desk that looked like it was moved there on a short notice. She sighed, put her backpack down, took out her notebook and started writing.

The day just started, but this school is already way different from what I expected. There is not a speck of seriousness coming from most of the students, just laughter can be heard, the silent sound of gossip, and nervous shuffling of bags and paper. How much more different from my imagination can it get? Will the teachers be as nice as I thought they'd be? Is there anything like I expect it to be?

The teacher entered, the students went back to their desks, only the sound of moving furniture was breaking the newly earned silence. The teacher with long, black hair cleared his throat, uttered a >>Good morning, class.<<, and sat down.

>>Good morning, Mr. Aizawa!<< the students reply in unision. The teacher who seems to be Mr. Aizawa motions them to sit down, and turns his gaze to Mary, the new girl, the one in the back, sitting at the helplessly placed desk, with a notebook laying open in front of her. >>Alright<<, he raised his voice once again, >>we have a new student, as you might have noticed. Mary, would you come to the front and introduce yourself please?<< Mary obiediently stood up, made her way to the front, positioned herself next to Aizawa, and started talking. >> Hi. I'm Mary, I'm 14 years old, and I come from Germany, which is the reason for my accent and my late appearance. I apologize in advance for any wrong pronounciation, or grammar mistakes. I truly am trying my best to make my English understandable. I was accepted due to recommendation. Thank you for listening.<< And with that, she walked back to her seat. what the class didn't know, after they heard her little speech, was, that Mary had spent hours on end changing and perfecting those few sentences, because she thought the whole class expected her to sound as formal as an important business man. She felt a little awkward, having everyone stare at her like she was crazy for sounding like an adult, but she just contered their confused looks with a smile. Aizawa turned the attention back to him. >>Thank you, Mary. Now, let's starts today's lesson...<<

Mary was only half listening. She was passing her time by examining every student in her class. One stood out. He haid red and white hair, parted neatly in two halves. The right half of his hair was a brilliant white, the other side a bright red. There was a scar as red as the hair covering it partly on his left eye. Mary started to wonder. ''What happened to him? Did he dye his hair? How is that posible?'' Those were only some of the questions she had. When she finally let her gaze wander to the next student, he was already looking at her. When she met his eyes, he just winked, smirked, and turned back to the board. ''what... the actual.. Chinchilla?'' The boy had bright yellow hair, and a bolt on one side of his scalp. There was nothing too interesting, really, but somehow Mary still wanted to talk to him. Maybe to actually have a friend, maybe to ask him what she missed while she was gone, or maybe she just wanted to know why he did that. She never has been flirted with before, if that was even considered flirting. She had to admit, he did look kind of cute. And of course that means he's either gay, taken, or a racist. Since that was all there was to see about that boy, she turned her attention to a girl with.. pink skin? And horns?? Mary didn't believe her eyes. >>How is that even...?<< she started silently, but stopped herself, not wanting to draw any attention to herself. Only then she realized, that there was literally a bird person just chillng in his seat, taking notes. She couldn't wait for recess so she could ask all about their names, their quirks, and who was taken and who wasn't. Let's see, who actually looked like they'd have a partner. The yellow-haired one with a blot in his hair, the guy who had his long, red hair styled into spikes, the red and white haired one, that just seemed to have some kind of terrifying secret, the... wait a minute. Mary knew who he was. He was Endevours son, Shoto Todoroki! She read something about him in the news just a couple of weeks ago. No wonder she got that weird, secretive vibe from him. There were a lot of rumours in all of the internet about the father-kid relationships being all crazy and horrible. She could really relate to him to an extend. Mary's mother and father have been emotionally distant ever since she was old enough to do stuff on her own. At the tender age of seven she had to cook for herself, but that didn't stop her from being an absolute sweetheart to her friends. And although she would never admit it, she was a pure soul. Apart from the smut she has read throughout the last few years, she was as clean as the air in a forest, far away from humanity and polution. Yes, she was a bit of a pervert. But she was too shy to actually spy on someone. She wasn't afraid to flirt, though. Most people didn't take it serious when she flirted with them and laughed it off, so she has been single up to that day. When she was honest with herself, she knew that she really wanted to have someone to hold her close and listen. But who would take a girl like her? She asked that question a lot when she thought about relationships. That's why she didn't do that often.

Mary found it amusing how her mind wandered off all the time. It was like her brain was making a path on it's own, like it was trying to lead her somewhere, someplace special that might not ever be discovered by anyone else... unless she told the person about that place, that secret space where she can get lost in for hours on end, without anyone noticing she was even gone in the first place. She doesn't leave her spot, but is in a whole different world at the same time, a world where she can be herself without having anyone there to judge her, without any rules, without any boundaries. She could kill, kiss, and insult anyone as much as her heart desired. She lost count of how often she brutually murdered someone in her mind. And the fact that she could imagine anything pretty vividly just made the whole game better. Same goes for kissing and making out, and everything beyond that. But it was also a curse at times. Whenever some said: >>imagine if...<<, she immediately started imagining it. She had seen multiple people making out, and that was worse of an experince than it might seem like. Because it wasn't just people her age, it was also teachers, heroes, old people and even animals.

All of a sudden, she was ripped from her thoughts, by someone standing in front of her. It was a green haired boy with freckles and a bright smile. >>H-Hey! Mary, right? I'm Izuku Midoriya, but everyone calls me Deku!<< He extended a hand for her to shake. She took his hand, gave it a light squeeze, and smiled back. >>Yep! That's me! Nice to meet you, Deku!<< She shiftd the thoughts of death and brutal murder aside and made room for information about him. He was barely taller than her, had emerald green eyes, had really fluffy looking hair, and just seemed really adorable overall. Mary guessed that he was most likely gay. Which was definetly not a bad thing, Yaoi all the way, but she had a feeling that at least one girl had a crush on him. Speaking of girls, there was one right behind him. She smiled at Mary and held out her hand too. >>I'm Ochako Ururaka!<< she chirped happily. Mary took her hand, gave it a little squeeze too, and smiled even brighter than before. >>Mary! I'm looking forward to being in class with you two!<< she said friendly.

She inspected them, then bluntly asked >>Are you two a couple?<< Ururaka started blushing madly, and so did Deku. He was the first one to actually respond. >>N-No, we're just f-friends!<< Mary chuckled at their reaction. >>If you say so~<< she purred while smirking. Then she turned her attention to the bo from earlier. >>Hey, you two, who is he?<< she pointed at the yellow haired boy. >>Th-That's Denki Kaminari. He's part of the Bakusquad, unlike Bakugo himself really nice and outgoing, though.<< Izuku started. >>But he's kind of a flirt.<< Ururaka added. So that was the reason why he winked. He's flirtasious. Great, she thought. >>Hey, how about we introduce you to everyone?<< Izuku said, now calming down his blush. >>That'd be

great!<< Mary thanked him.

Everything went great, until it was her time to meet Bakugo.

>>End chapter 1<<

Side entry #1, 9/10/19

The fifth grader I talked about, that looked like me, you remember her, right? Turns out she's growing to be more like me; she has a little- twist, let's call it that- and already wanted to stab someone in the hand with her scissors. I couldn't be prouder. Such great potential, in such a small human... a fragile one for the time being. But she'll grow stronger, I know it, I can feel it...

Entry #15, 9/10/19

Oooh, on my way to my therapist's. I'm thrilled to see his reaction when I tell him what happened because of a single, innocent question... and after I asked him not to mention it, too. But the past is in the past. It was only a week ago, yet... it wasn't his fault, so why would he have much of a reaction?

Another one of the songs that I listen to relatively frequently. I find the melody very calming, which is one of the main reasons I am so in love with this masterpiece. The band it’s from, MISSIO, is very good in general... at least I think so. Of course, anyone is allowed to have their own opinion on this blog. Honestly, I just don’t care. I think more people should just mind their own business. For instance, why would you give a single floop if someone is part of the LGBTQ+? Just mind your own business. Why would you judge other people because of their hobbies, interests etc? Just mind your own business. I simply don’t understand why you would make your and someone else’s day worse by complaining about their taste in music, just because they listen to Twenty One Pilots instead of Panic!At The Disco, or like K-Pop more than Rap. I personally don’t like any of the listed genres or bands, but my best friend loves P!atd, and I respect that. Or, more acurately, I don’t give a damn. Wow, this turned from music to a rant about my class. They gossip about everyone and everything. They called me ‘‘EmO’‘ and ‘‘GoTh’‘ because I wore all black one day. To be fair, I also had on my dark blue lipstick. They even talk about each other behind their backs. If they are talking about me, they don’t even bother to hide it. for instance, I’m a slut, because I have more male than female friends. I just get along with guys better. They are funnier to be around, and the girls from my class are literally the ‘‘other girls’‘ that are being described by the r/notlikeothergirls-girls. They only talk about make-up, horses (One has a horse) and when they went shopping where. A girl from my spanish class though (I don’t know if I already talked about her), she’s really cool. We share our love for anime, Hamilton/Musicals in general, drawing, memes, music and a couple more things. I get along with her great, and there are a few more girls from her class that are really laid back and funny. They’re fun to be around, so it’s sad to say I only see them about twice a week... ah, this is already way too long. sorry and thank you for reading. I’ll see you around if you choose to stick with me. Goodbye :)

Memories #1

Reminder: TW. Verbal and implied/threatened physical abuse, lying

It was just after I moved in with my sis. We were cleaning the room I would be staying in by chucking all of the furniture out of my window into one of those big containers, listening to Matt's music. We were all having good fun, I don't think she was mad or anything. It was mainly me and Matt working, but the kids helped. Back then, Maya wasn't as much of a little [nice person], but José didn't like me cuz he hadn't gotten used to me yet. Things seemed more or less normal, yet I couldn't help but feel a certain pressure. I thought it would get better over time. I thought maybe if I got used to the rules... and it was so big of a change... and with the new environment.... I should've listened to my intuition. I kept saying "It's too late to get out of it now, you're already here and started to renovate and everything", hoping I was wrong and it wouldn't be as bad. The change came gradually; at first, she was super sweet to me. Not even two months later she screamed at me for the first time and I got to see the best side of her. It's not that she hadn't chastised me before, but she never raised her voice like that.... or thrown kitchen utensils at me or the kids. As the children and I were on the ground, gathering the knives, forks and spoons on all fours, she kept screaming and throwing things, and that was the first time she threatened to hit me. She raised her hand to grab something else very close to me and I flinched. She berated me for it, saying I've never been hit before and so I shouldn't act like it, that I don't have the right to react that way. I don't remember much else from what she said, mainly calling us selfish and lazy (which, as you will notice, she did a lot) and reminding me that I could always move out if I don't want to comply with her rules (which is also something you'll hear a lot). The most memorable part of that entire situation is the fact that when she stopped screaming and came back from smoking outside, she smirked at me and said "Now you saw that I can get a bit mad sometimes." The idiot I was I told her it's fine. I didn't want her to get mad again. God, I was so scared, I wanted to get the hell out of there first chance I get. But then I kept getting deeper and deeper in the legal process of everything, and, in the end, I just,,,, didn't say anything. I kept lying to authorities to not cause any trouble. Telling CPS I'm doing great here, that we sometimes fight but only in the fashion normal for siblings, and every time I said something I would look at her for approval and to see if I had said something wrong. I didn't want to make her mad or look bad in front of these people.

Entry #16, 9/11/19

Currently in the bus, on my way to school. I thought I'd quickly tell you how my therapist reacted, since I promised you said info: he apologized, multiple times, and- well, we had other things to talk about, so I changed the subject after a while. He recommended a book (about psychology), and I'm hopefully gonna be able to get it soon. I mean, if someone, whose profession is psychology, recommends a book, it has to be good, right? It's about childhood and trauma, and how to detect one, too, I think. I'll take a look at it later. See you!

Entry #27, part 2

...until Yuri told us we were allowed to massage each others freely and as we wanted to. Raph asked me, if I wanted him to go on and take care of my shoulders, and of course I said yes. I mean, why should I miss out on a free relaxing program? XD As he was moving his hands along my back and shoulders, I closed my eyes and just listened to all of the sounds the kids around us made. Suddenly, I heard Yuri say my name, and that’s when I started to listen to her. >>... and Mary looks like she’s having the time of her life.<< HELL YEAH I WAS! It was so relaxing to have someone who genuinely cares about you sitting behind you... and so strangely unfamiliar, too. I don’t know, I guess I should find more people who care about me.

That afternoon, we met up again. But that time I needed help with math, and since he mentioned that he was good at it and we got along just fine (if you get the reference you get bonus points), I decided to ask him to help me. And he did! After we finished, we talked about music, and somehow drifted off, which led to him... hugging me. He. Hugged. Me. I cannot put into words how wanted I felt at that moment. More than I have for a very, very long time. Though, sadly I didn’t feel much... Anyways. About an hour after that, he went ‘home’. I accompanied him, and when we parted ways, we hugged again.

On the 3rd, Raph’s little brother and the little sister from a friend of mine thought it would be funny to push Raph’s and my head together as to make us kiss.

...it didn’t work. XD

Nothing else happened, until I was going for a walk on the beach at night. It was about.. 7 pm, and already dark outside. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, hiding the stars and the moon, tainting the sea a deep, dark brown-ish black. The horizon itself was a fulfilling black, turning lighter the higher one looked at the clouds. I adored the sight. As I went, I talked to myself like I usually do. That eventually led to me crying, becoming aware of how absolutely useless I was to everyone around me, how much I disappointed the ones that cared about me in a seemingly whole other world, a timeline long forgotten... and I may have let myself go too much. I cried like I haven’t in a long, long, long time. I don’t know if it was good to let out my feelings or stupid because someone could possibly have listened to my sobbing... normally, if I do cry, I cry in company of someone I trust or care about. And up until that day, I was physically not able to. I don’t know why, but I could never cry on my own. There always had to be someone. But maybe... I didn’t feel alone that night? Maybe I felt as if someone was with me, even when they were not physically there? I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll find out any time soon, but it’s definitely worth thinking about.

On the 4th, me and Raph went to the beach together at night. The stars were shining brightly, brighter than I’ve ever seen them sparkle, the moon was more beautiful than I had it in mind... everything just seemed a lot brighter and better. We talked for about an hour, then his mother told him to come back to their room. I loved having him as my company. Even if it was very cold, I was determined to stay with him. And so I did. I even stayed on the bench a few minutes after he left, talking to myself again. But soon, it was too cold, so I went up to my room, too.

The 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th went without any notable events.

The 9th, though, was a good day for me. First, we went to a sports hall to do some sports. After that, we went back to the ‘daycare‘ and me and Raph just kinda... started cuddling? It was really nice, and time was going by way too fast, until... my commitment phobia kicked in. (I should probably tell you that I have commitment issues due to my HoRrIbLe past) I ignored it, tho, so I kinda forced myself into being happy, or feel comfortable... buuut that actually did the exact opposite. I felt pretty uncomfortable, but I ignored that too, so I could try and just let myself fall into the embrace, I guess? Honestly, I don’t regret it. I think I needed the cuddling, the intimacy towards another person. Something that I noticed was that he seemed very calm and relaxed. I think he enjoyed himself, too.

The next day was just stressful. I had to travel back home with ___ and my sister, and of course the two fought a lot. Anyways, that was the rest of my ‘vacation’. More information on what and how I’ve been doing for the past week in the next entry!

Mary out!~

Entry #8, 8/5/19

I kept up the schedule. Right now I'm waiting for Pesto to start the stream. Yes, he streams. For 12 hours straight today, from 10 am to 10 pm. And 10 am is in 16 minutes.

Sophie is at her other best friend's today. From 10:30 am to 9 pm. So I basically have the whole day for myself. Finally, some alone time, and since my mother and sister are in a nearby town today, I have the flat for myself too. This day is gonna be very quiet and very relaxing...

Outside in our garden are some gardeners, they are taking care of the bushes. It was high time they've got trimmed.

Nothing else was happening. I may ''upload'' a very basic sketch I did later. But for now:

Goodbye, I'll seeya ''around''! ^^