William P. Welsh - Burlesque Queen (1941)

99% of queer discourse stops right before they define the true difference between bisexual and pansexual!

How to write horses (without making your characters stupid)

Lesson One: Riding Double

The first question to ask yourself is ‘is my character supposed to know what they’re doing or being taught by someone who does?’ If the answer is yes, this lesson is for you. If the answer is no and the character is supposed to not know about horses, then this lesson is also for you! Hooray accurate consequences!

(The second question is if you are dealing with realistic horses or fantasy ones. Because if your characters are in a far away world where horses are three times the size and strong enough to carry a literal ton? Idgaf go wild. Or are your horses magic and made of ice that can be summoned from thin air? Those can do whatever they want. But a real horse? They have real limitations.)

What is double riding and why is it a problem?

Double riding is just like it sounds- two people riding the same horse. It is commonly used in movies and television to keep actors in the same shot and to use less horses on set, but it is also used in video games, books, and animated media as well. And of course, sometimes people will ride double in real life as well, for brief occasions.

Without digging into some genuinely horrifying facts about equine anatomy, horses are really only built to carry a single rider in one specific place on their back. Saddles are used to distribute weight evenly and make everything more comfortable for both horse and rider, but they don’t increase the space available. Unless both riders are small enough to fit in the same saddle together, or the rider behind the saddle is very small, the horse will be overloaded. Riding double for long distances is NOT good for a horse, and any character that is supposed to understand horses will know this.

Let’s get some diagrams out.

So here is a horse (mine actually) and a skeleton of a horse so you can actually see inside.

From left to right, we start with the blue, which is the withers and shoulder blades.

The withers are bony processes up near the skin as part of the spine. They are not meant to have weight pressing directly down on them, and get sores very very quickly. A horse with sore withers obviously should not be ridden until it’s healed, and if ignored can lead to dangerous behaviors such as bucking or flipping over backwards.

The shoulders must be given freedom of movement and not be trapped by a saddle or the weight of a rider, in the case of riding double. If motion is limited, the entire horse can end up sore or worse

They’re like Christmas lights if you break one part the whole horse breaks

Next up is the green on my horse, the ribcage on the skeleton

This is the support area of the horse, where the strength of the back comes from. No weight should be placed beyond the attachment of the last rib

Again, not going into anatomy, but the entire chest and ribcage are held up by a sling of muscles, and the front legs are also only attached by muscles. However, these muscles hold up 70% of the horses bodyweight.

In general this is why saddle fit and rider positioning is very important- we’re adding our weight to an already complicated system

Finally the orange, the lumbar vertebrae.

This is the weakest point of a horses back by far, the lumbar spine

Just like the withers, these bones are very close to the surface and sore very easily if weight is placed on them.

Again, nothing heavy should ever be placed here.

This is also where the kidneys are, which are pretty important to the overall health of the horse and work best when they aren’t squashed

So. There’s your basic anatomy lesson. Let’s dig into riding double.

So here we go, some people sitting on my pony. Aren’t they beautiful?

The rider sitting in the saddle is in the optimal position for the horse to carry. Not too far forward, not too far back. Everything is dandy. The rider in the back, however, is sitting directly on the horses lumbar vertebrae. Even if the saddle pad extends that far for a little padding, the rider is still sitting directly on the lumbar spine.

I didn’t draw another rider, but having someone sit in the front of the saddle would be difficult for many reasons. For one, most saddles designed for long distance have a saddle horn, leaving nowhere to actually sit unless they’re somehow squeezed in between the main rider and the horn, or the main rider has slid back to sit more on the back of the saddle. (Neither are comfortable, trust me). For two, adding that much weight to the front of the saddle will overload the horses front and and cause pressure sores. And the legs of the double rider would have to hang down in front of the saddle, blocking the horses shoulders.

Basically- don’t have anyone sit there.

When riding double, the larger rider *always* must be the one sitting in the saddle. The lumbar spine can tolerate a child or small teenager for brief amounts of time, but *not* an adult. Absolutely not.

Here is the same picture with the riders removed, this time showing where pressure will be added.

Red I already covered above. Weight on the front of the saddle will cause sores on the withers and shoulders.

Green is someone sitting toward the back of the saddle. This will raise the front of the saddle up, adding pressure to the cinch under the belly that holds the saddle on. Cinch rubs can get very nasty very quickly, and a horse with cinch rubs and saddle sores should not be used again until they are healed.

This is *why* characters that understand horses would not ride double, especially if the horse is meant to be traveling a long way. You need to do everything you possibly can to keep the horse comfortable- make sure tack fits, saddle bags are balanced, and the rider is in the correct position in the saddle. Riding double throws all of that off, and it *will* cause long term damage if done repeatedly or for a long time. Horses are incredibly fragile creatures, even when given excellent care.

How do you avoid riding double?

Simple! Just add another horse to your story. Horses are herd animals and are more comfortable traveling in pairs than they are solo. If your characters aren’t worried about actually feeding the horse and just letting it eat grass the whole ride, there’s no added difficulty in having a second horse. Is one character riding out to go pick someone up? They can lead a second horse from the saddle (this is called ponying, btw), or a well trained horse can follow along loose.

As a morbid alternative, your characters can continue to ride double while understanding the consequences of this. Maybe the horse won’t make it all the way to their destination. Maybe it will arrive with sores and never be able to carry a rider again. Maybe your characters simply view their horse as transportation and are content to get a new one when the original is used up. It’s up to you, really.

And if your story is dependent on only having one horse or just them being on the same horse, that can be okay too. If the characters aren’t in a hurry, one of them can walk while the other rides. They can still use the one horse to escape a daring rescue. A character can hop from one horse to the other if their romantic ride is calling for a horseback makeout session. If the second rider is a child, or both are children, the single horse will do just fine. And of course, this is your story with a fictional horse. You can ignore all this and stick three riders on a horse for 500 miles straight with zero consequences if that’s what you really want to do. No one will stop you. This is only if you want your characters to read and act like they know their stuff. And I can assure you, irl riders everywhere will appreciate the effort.

An Arrangement

And a scrapped version below the cut. I take no responsibility for historically inaccurate knight undergarments

Revolution by tea. Or one hot chocolate at a time.

Aziraphale was such a little bastard (/affectionate) for giving Jim hot cocoa to drink when he knew his old boss's opinion on sullying the temple of his body with "gross matter."

He did the same thing with Muriel, offered them tea knowing what they probably thought of it and then amiably watched them to see what they would do with it.

He's gone rogue, people. He's corrupting Heaven one politely offered hot beverage at a time.

“We’ve seen a lot, haven’t we?” said Crowley, contemplating the New Year’s festivities on the telly. The cottage was quiet, a gas fire going against the damp chill. They’d foregone any local celebrations for a bottle of port indoors; if Aziraphale noticed the miracle that caused it to refill every time they poured out another glass, he didn’t comment.

“A good many calendars too,” said Aziraphale. “It’s properly 5784 in the old reckoning, isn’t it? – or, no, eighty-five. And four thousand and something, I think, in China. Until sometime in February. The only constant is they all celebrate. Though I can’t think the Earth itself takes much notice.”

“Ah, humans. Any chance to get smashed.” Crowley gestured with his glass. “Or laid.” Eyebrow lifted.

“Is that a grandly romantic proposition? My, my. How old and married we’ve become.”

“Show you married.”

The handclasp that followed was, regardless of commentary, very fond, and very married.

“I think,” said Aziraphale, “it’s because humans tumbled to something early on that Heaven and Hell never did. We got to it in the end, you sooner than I, I fancy.”

“Wot’s that?” Crowley settled back against the cushions, regarding the blue glow of the London Eye on the screen, soon to be engulfed in cascades of fireworks. It always took him back to moments before Time started, though he never mentioned that to Aziraphale. Maybe he should.

“Well, that things can change. All those centuries, our Head Offices were playing what I believe is called a zero-sum game. A certain number of souls, a certain number of blessings and curses, a final reckoning where one side would win or lose. Eternal perdition or eternal glory. The best to be hoped for was a static and, to my mind, rather dreary perfection.”

Crowley hummed the opening bar of “Climb Ev’ry Mountain” (his pitch was execrable, but Aziraphale recognised it).

“Exactly. And then Adam came along and upended everything. Because he was, ancestry regardless, to his bones human. He’d learned humanity from the way he was raised. And the best thing Humans do, I think, is imagine that things could be different.”

A presenter was breathlessly advising viewers that in a few minutes, the display would commence, as if this were unexpected.

“They blunder and they do horrid deeds, and far too often they put your old firm to shame -- to say nothing of mine -- and yet somehow enough of them always seem determined that it doesn’t have to be that way. That misery can have an end, and cruelty isn’t inevitable. And even the least thoughtful of them mark these rather arbitrary dates with celebrations, and vows that next year they’ll work to become better. Even when there’s very little to celebrate, and everything seems to be dragging them backward into the dark, there are always those who carry on. That wonderful defiance that they do so well.”

“Lot on their plate this time,” said Crowley. “Let’s hope they don’t make a bollocks of it.”

“Here we go,” said Aziraphale, as flowers of fire began to bloom, blue and gold and crimson, across the small screen. Crowley chinked his glass against the angel’s.

“To hope,” said Aziraphale. “Happy New Year, darling.”

Comment and toast on AO3

mOcKiNg CrOwLey

A new day...

✨page 3✨ of my Ineffable Cats' (short) series is HERE🩷🐈🐈‍⬛

• "Jim", p.3 •

(Cat-Crowley being as dramatic as he should be 🩷)

EDIT: I just realized that I forgot to make Aziraphale wear the bowtie collar in this page😱 (I'm dumb)

ps. A little poll for you all~

Cheers to the fact that we get an ending, however it may end (please don't break our hearts)

If you want a specific movie or tv show please request them. I'll do my best to get the posters all out. :)