Love This

Therapeutic Rants

Ranting here because a) real therapy is expensive b) we need to stop treating friends as therapists, and c) if I keep this internalized, it might just eat me alive.

Being alone again.

Well, officially, it is over. After two long years of friendship, one year of a relationship, I've lost them. Dare to say that it was a peaceful ending as I continue to sharpen the blades they left and patch the oozing wounds. Dare to say it was hell for even trying to be with them.

I have a savior's complex; I know it well. You see, when I was a child, my parents weren't emotionally stable. I had to learn how to regulate grown adults behaviors to maintain the peace in my house. So, in relationships, I suppose I do/did the same. Keeping the peace only delayed, not prevented, the war.

At first, with my phone now silent, I thought I could ignore the feeling. It's so weird to constantly check for notifications and then remind yourself, "it's over". I suppose this is the right thing to do. To turn off my phone for a couple weeks and take a walk outside. But that would only delay and mask the feelings.

Why did I end that relationship?

Well, I could no longer simply ignore myself in it. When we first met, we connected by stories. They saw a talent that I had hidden away and encouraged me to write. I was finishing a brief story for my English class and decided to send them the draft for them to read. And that sparked our relationship.

They would always ask if I had a new idea ready or if I ever finished my thousands of 'work in process' pieces. Every time I had a story done, I would send it and they would read it almost instantly. Over the time, they told me how much I've improved and I slowly gained myself back. I felt real once again.

We would analyze our favorite parts and character scenes. It was so much fun to connect with someone without weird glances and judgmental comments like in previous relationships. I could be weird with someone!

Fun until one moment.

I was scrolling, as one does, when I came across a drawing of a old ship and accidently fell in love with their story again. So much so, that I had to write my thoughts on them and draft an idea. I was so excited to share and tell the other about all the details I've researched: their connection, they people believed they were together in game, why they made sense, and then filled them to prepare them with my idea, a brief 1,000 word or so story.

So, armed with fan arts and my story, I sent them first some fan arts for the characters and then the draft, excited to see what they would analyze. I already had my favorite parts outlined on my printed out version. I made a little board for the pictures, too.

And then, there was a sudden change in tune. The "shoe dropping" moment.

At first, they claimed that they were busy or had other projects to get done. They have mediocre responses to the fan arts (like saying, "oh, cool" vs "omgg, they are so adorable! Who are they?) They never claimed those excuses before but hey! Different days, different times. It's fine.

But then their true nature reveal itself.

The sudden issue was the fact that the story had two male characters in a relationship. None of my previous ideas/stories had a relationship like that. I was simply expanding on my horizons and trying new things. Mind you, there was no details in the story unlike the stories I could find on A03 (yall are crazy). Heck, I don't even think they kissed! They cuddled or something. But with the fan arts, that was enough for them to pause and stare at me.

But because of their family issues and upbringing, they couldn't bring themselves to read it. At first, I didn't see it as homophobic, I saw it as preferences. Everyone has them! But over time, I realized it wasn't a preference.

I deleted that idea out of "respect" for the other and only sent them stories I knew that they would like, the ones that we've analyzed and talked about before. But there was a change, too, every time I sent a story. It was like they were looking for a gay scene after I reassured them that I didn't include it. Granted, I also began writing those relationships on the side because I just like two characters falling in love with each other. Forgive me.

But that only boiled and boiled until one day that I couldn't take it anymore. No longer did they read my stories with the same joy that they once did. Rejection is a feeling I've felt since a kid. No one likes the weird. It got to a point that I felt I was hiding myself in order to keep a relationship going. Sacrifices are made together not separate.

After first talking about it to them, they assured me that they would try again. They were sorry and explained their family situation which, again, is fine. But we live in a world in which gay people exist. So, simply ignoring or treating them differently doesn't make sense.

So, I sent them one of my other stories to try again out of good faith. And I waited. And waited. Reminded them. And waited.

Until we broke down again. They said that I would hate them if they revealed something. I told them that I wouldn't. They, at first, said they tried. But only reading five pages of a thirty page story in one hour? Really? I know I have my moments, but over an entire month, you couldn't have read more? The opening scenes were just the world they lived it! lmao. I tried to understand why they would say one thing and do the other. I really liked our conversations, but I couldn't ignore that anymore.

So, I called it off.

Still, it hurts because you half way expected them to prove you wrong and half way expected them to prove you right. Regardless, you can't change someone's mind.

Hopefully someone can relate to this. This is fun, you should try this, too.

Best.

!!

it’s unfortunate that (some) people in fandom spaces are starting to get too comfortable complaining and being rude to writers and artists who create contents they personally don’t like (“why are you making this character a top when he’s obviously a bottom? omg do you even understand his character?” “I’m so sick of seeing fan art and fanfic where this character is portrayed as a sadist when he’s actually misunderstood in my opinions, therefore anyone who disagrees with me is wrong and should be shamed” just to name a few I’ve seen) instead of curating their own fandom experiences by engaging only with contents they do like.

you want more fics where (x) is written in this specific way? either write one yourself or politely expressing your opinion about how you hope there will be more fics where (x) is written in this specific way instead of making fandom a toxic place by being rude to writers and artists who dare make contents that are not to your Personal Liking.

if the universe does not revolve around you, strangers and fandom spaces don’t have to cater exclusively to your personal preferences either.

to all my beloved writers and artists, write whatever you want, draw whatever you want. portray that character in whichever way you want to portray. I hope you have fun doing what you love. don’t let anybody tell you what you can or can’t do with the blorbo. go wild. I will always support you

There's days I'll stare at my screen like a confused dog in complete wonder on why I consider myself a writer. Other days, I'm laughing at how creative my sentences are and how well the scene played out in this chapter, and I can't wait to share the update with my readers. Your stories, no matter the conditions, are valid. You got this!! :)

please please please please reblog if you’re a writer and have at some point felt like your writing is getting worse. I need to know if I’m the only one who’s struggling with these thoughts

Somewhere, out there, you are someone's favorite writer/artist.

You've inspired someone!

Keep going, love! ❤️

Hello everyone,

AO3 has a donation going on right now. Give as much as you can in this economy to support that beautiful platform.

Give 10 or so. If you can, try to cover the additional fees, so they can get the donation directly.

Thanks!

Will AI be considered life before Humans?

I was listening to an interesting argument the other day where people were debating between AI and giving it a new life tag vs. a helpful tool.

I don't mind if we call AI life as long as we can consider the following life as well: a) trans people, b) the gay community, c) various worldly religions and the people practicing such, d) nonbinary folks, e) anyone on this worldly plane.

We are so quick to defend the argument that AI is considered life, and yet, still treat someone that has true emotions and the right to a peaceful life like sub-humans just because they don't conform to regulations. People throw around the stats of "white cis male suicide rates are increasing" while completely ignoring young gay teens ones. We have POWs, war-torn areas, regions of natural disasters untouched by UN and go unnoticed by powerful countries because it doesn't directly affect them. But yet when one issue appears for the rich and powerful, they expect the world to cater to them and provide aid. There are millions of people out there currently that deserves a fair chance at life.

So, before we label AI, let's make sure the people here that surround us are also considered to be life and treat them more than just an object to hate or use.

Hello,

Looking for some chill people to chat with. Some interests listed below:

-Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance, Legend of Zelda

-JJK, My Hero, Spy x Fam, and others! (looking for new recs as well).

I also like writing poetry and stories.

Current "vibe" : working on my relationship with my inner child.

Author of "Tactician Tent" and "A Night Away" on A03.

Best.

That would be so cool!

reblog if you’re okay with people writing fanfics of your fanfics and/or fanfics inspired by your fanfics