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this post was mainly about ford trying to convince himself that he isn't stupid and he used bill as much as bill used him. instead of accepting his feelings or fully admitting what happened, he uses this 'reassurances' as ways to cope. he was the genius who will change the world, and now he became the genius who saved the same world. i imagine him being a little vulnerable around his family and admitting things but mostly he is overly protective about this topic

oh, of course ford might have been naive for believing bill's manipulations but that doesn't exactly mean he is stupid too. sure, bill's intentions were far more different than what he told but regardless, he chose ford. out of every human he could use, he trusted ford's intelligence to build an inter-dimensional portal. and mind you, he succeeded.

"bill was using you" then what? ford was using him too. they were on a deal, actually. that means both parts get something out of it. plus, he was a little too much focused on his feelings, his admiration. if not he would've definitely realized something is off with bill.

would he though?

when bill told a story about how he cut a disrespectful garbage's head and displayed it on a square, a lesson to all, ford murmured. when bill sectioned human kind in two; people like ford & others and talked about how much of a material waste others are, how they will never understand ford and exploit his intelligence, ford thought about certain someone who looks just like him. he nodded in agreement when bill casually kept going on how it would be better if they erase out of existence.

he had similar thoughts after all. bill was just more open and violent about them. but wasn't bill always like that? ford never saw those ideas as cracks in bill's mask or slip-ups from his manipulation. he was just bill.

even now he doesn't think bill lied to him all the time because he didn't have to. ford felt himself shiver. those weren't cues for him to realize. he knew and admired bill regardless. admired him with them. admired him because of them.

stormbringer concept thing

when furudate wrote “today you happen to be the defeated. but what will you become tomorrow?” and then “nothing would ever get started if they didn't first think, 'let’s give it a try.'” and then “he who climbs the ladder must begin at the bottom” and then “we’re not limited to just one way of being great” and then “being weak means that there is room to grow” and then “does losing prove that you are weak? isn’t losing difficult for all of you? a challenge where, after ending up on your hands and knees, you must see if you can stand up again? if you stay on your hands and knees, that proves that you are weak.”

just watched interview with the vampire and left with a weird attraction towards freaky vampires with beautiful blonde hair and an undeniable desire to suck my blood till my heart stops

i don't need the world to see that i've been the best i can be, but i don't think i could stand to be where you don't see me

everything rots

HAMMOND B3 ORGAN CISTERN by GABRIELLE CALVOCORESSI

Late light and longing - Dmitri Cavender , 2001.

American, b. 1957 -

oil on canvas

billford au which bill is artist ford's literal muse