Jinshi: Cuz You Are Pretty And You're Smart And You Are Ignoring Me---so You're Obviously My Type.

There's a huge difference between living and existing. If all you do is exist, when would you live?

~my biology teacher

It's hard sometimes. To live a life with happiness. But it surely reminds you that life itself is never supposed to be happy. It's supposed to be interesting. Full of surprises and shocks. Now answer me, what keeps you waking up every day? It's the will to see another day with hope of getting through it alive. There's no meaning to life, it's us who put meaning in it. What is important is to live each day with the nonchalant optimism that the next will be better, it doesn't matter if it isn't any better. What matters is that you made into another day!

BSD S5 is driving me insane~

I did not expect to cry because of Fyolai and FukuFuku

Why do they have to pair them up and then separate them?

Are we here to fulfil Asagiri's sadistic desires ? 😭

Does he even like us?

"This story is not for people who are good at living"

Bullshit

Then maybe you should think about your fanbase of mentally ill people on copium~

Just sayin'

(ps: at least Skk and sskk reunion happened)

*Atsushi drinking for the first time with the ADA*

Dazai: Atsushi-kun now that you have drunk, say goodbye to your childhood, you are an adult now!!!

Atsushi, smiling obliviously: I never had a childhood.

Dazai:

ADA:

Dazai: me neither

Yosano: Have any of us had a normal childhood?

Ranpo: I had a dad when I was 14, does that count?

Kunikida: how many of you have gone to a proper school?

*no one answers*

Dazai: but most of us have killed people!

Kunikida: is that a good thing?

GUYS.... He's in denial Guys 😭😭😭😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤣

I can't wait to listen to the new Taylor Swift album to adapt a new personality. Till now I have been: a lovesick highschooler, the girl next door, depressed college student, a popstar, a diva, a lovable goof, a snake, again a more mature lovesick highschooler, a storyteller, a dreamer and now..........let's see.

Do you read books on murder and people getting away with it? Do you often wish upon deaths of the rotten people in the world? Do you find the notion of living in isolation with coffee and a book intriguing? Do you fall in love with morally grey anti heros? Do people call you unusual and insane? Do you wake up everyday wishing you didn't? Do you consider yourself to be better than others at the same time feeling inferior in a world that doesn't accept you?

If not then you are actully a fully functioning human being who does not rely their life's worth on hopeless soul searching and "you can't sit with us" *Gretchen Wiener voice*

Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.

"Who's afraid of little old me?" is sooo Dazai coded 💖 🩶 🖤 🤍

(PS: really sorry if any other got left out, I was writing these on top of my head so I don't know if there's more. Feel free to comment if you know any other siblings/sibling-ish dynamic I left out!)