Aw Honey, You'll Make Me Cry!

cumplane thoughts: (lots of nsfw LOL)

airplane in shen yuan's lap, cockwarming for him while he writes and shen yuan looks over his shoulder, sharply criticizing his writing

shen yuan using his advanced knowledge of pidw to wifeplot the fuck out of airplane (its not his fault that airplane doesnt remember that flower is an aphrodisiac or this cave is the "ohno now we have to get married!" cave. really, it was irresponsible of airplane to forget such things and this was the forgone conclusion of that hack author being so forgetful)

cucumber and airplane being enemies online, but crushing on each other irl without knowing about the online handles (classmates? workmates? that cute guy i see on the train?)

shen twins au where shen yuan notices that disciple shang is kinda sus and investigates (thinking that its bc of the mobei jun thing and now that he's grown up in this world he's sort of invested in NOT having demons attack his sect-mates), but the more he gets to know the skittish disciple, the more he's sorta catching feelings and this is a problem! bc shang qinghua is gonna be a traitor! ....but is he really? sure, qinghua is a lil asshole, but he's not really the bloodthirsty type? maybe with some proper guidance from his shixiong he'll turn out better? no, jiu-ge, i am not being naive and no i dont think my dick cures evil, its not like that! it's just that--why are you calling him my boyfriend?! I SAID IT'S NOT LIKE THAT, JIU-GE!

cumplane frenemies since their school days and current roommates. shen "i'm not gay so the sex isnt gay" yuan and shang "you're not fooling anyone but sure" qinghua. they're just 'friends' according to shen yuan. it's 'no homo sex' apparently. shang qinghua is fine with this, he is, his stupid boyfriend might have the most internalized homophobia in the world but like... they live together and shen yuan is mostly nice to him and they've been together for years and this is something real, right? except shen yuan's mom starts pressuring him to "finally settle down and marry a nice girl" so shen yuan is talking about it and the sinking realization finally hits shang qinghua that shen yuan never really considered their relationship to be a real thing. thats... fine... this is fine... he'll be fine. he is not fine. nope. not one bit. and he is not gonna be the bigger man about this. fuck. no. he is absolutely going to fucking destroy that stupid piece of shit EX boyfriend who never deserved him!! he is going to avenge himself and ruin shen yuan's life and he is going to be super shitty about it! but first, he's going to run away from home and cry with a tub of ice-cream bc wow that is the most painful breakup he's ever had haha. except after shang qinghua disappears and leaves behind a "fuck you, i want a divorce" note, shen yuan looks for him and asks friends and gets dressed down for being an idiot and also realizes oh fuck he actually totally was in love with his not-boyfriend and now he has to win back a very vengeful and very bitter shang qinghua, who also knows all of his weaknesses and darkest secrets

cumplane sex where cucumber is struggling to comprehend just how fucking shameless airplane is. that man can ride his dick while moaning pathetically and then still look cucumber in the face and smile while asking for round five and cucumber knew that airplane wrote porn, cucumber READ that porn, but nothing quite prepared him for just how horny and sexually expressive airplane is. SHEN YUAN'S THIN FACE WAS NOT READY FOR THIS SHIT

shang twins au: the shang twins have been pretending to be one person, for vaguely evil reasons, and shen yuan notices solely bc he Is A Very Observant and Smart Person and it's not at all because he's memorized the pattern of airplane's freckles or anything gay like that, nope, that's not it at all!

cucumber starts talking to one of airplanes various troll alts that he uses to stir up drama and airplane replies, fully intending to further agitate one of his loudest anti-fans except.... they just kinda... keep talking? and airplane is really enjoying himself? and they're taking it to the dms and now they're kinda friends and shit, it's bad if cucumber finds out he's airplane, right? the entire basis of their friendship is a lie then. which is totally fine, haha, this friendship prolly won't last long. except it totally does and now theres like irl meetings and cucumber is Fucking Handsome and that isn't fair AT ALL bc now airplane has a crush on his (best??)friend and ohwow, cucumber can srsly NEVER learn abt his identity as the author. cucumber is a super bitter and grudge holding person but also he HATES the author and airplane rreeeallly likes having someone who kinda likes him in his life aND OHFUCK IS THAT CUCUMBER LOOKING AT HIS PHONE!?

shen yuan making airplane endure Every Single sex position that he wrote those poor wives in the harem having to endure. partially to make a point of "that CANT be possible", partially bc he's still annoyed at the hack writing, and partially bc it's rrreeeeeaallly nice to see airplane fucked out of his mind like that

airplane accidentally wife-plots himself and cucumber is a good bro about it and fucks away the fuck-or-die pollen. except now he's accidentally gotten airplane addicted to his dick??? bc now airplane is seeking him out constantly. was there something else in that fuck-or-die pollen? bc airplane is acting weird. was there some freaky love potion or something? ahh, it's really hard to think of the answer when he wakes up to the peak lord of an ding sucking his dick

airplane accidentally gets transformed into a magical beast and before he can find his way back to humanity, he gets beaten up and hauled off by liu qingge to be presented as a gift to shen yuan. which oki, fine, maybe he can communicate to his bro. but shen yuan is really nice to him when he's in this form (like a hamster monster) and wow, he never knew how much he really liked shen yuan being nice to him??? maybe he should just let it be for a bit longer??

shen yuan, recently trasnmigrated into the body of an ice demon, does not know what to do about the sobbing an ding disciple clinging to his thigh and begging for his life (bc i refuse to kill off mobei jun, this is a body swap au and now mobei jun has to live in modern day china as shen yuan LOL)

cucumber decides that he likes airplane best when he's too fucked out of his mind to keep talking shit. also, on a related note, airplane decides he likes when cucumber talks shit when they're in bed the most. does he have a degradation kink? he might have a degradation kink.

sugar baby airplane and his very grumpy sugar daddy shen yuan. yes, airplane is spoiled rotten, but he also has a strict writing schedule and his harshest critic tormenting him in bed. but ohwell, shen yuan also nags him to eat properly and makes sure that he does and the kitchen is always stocked and sometimes shen yuan just pulls him into a hug and rests his chin against airplane's head and yeah, he can live with sometimes getting fucked while cucumber growls in his ear "that was a shit chapter, you completely forgot the continuity from chapter 24 and now you created a big stupid plothole with the most interesting monster you made--". its a good life

airplane first meets shen yuan as a coworker. he's a rich trust-fund baby type who has impeccable fashion and a poser attitude. clearly a thin face and probably boring as fuck. airplane meets shen yuan for the second time at a convention while signing autographs, dressed in binghe-merch and clearly Way Too Invested. and airplane immediately thinks the gap moe is AMAZING. he's gonna have so much fucking fun with this. especially since airplane was wearing cosplay and his coworker didn't recognize him >:D

your brain is my chewtoy omg omg

Thinking about cumplane... scumcumplane...?

The peak lords (sy!sqq and sqh) going on a trip or mission. On that journey, they are met with a plant that entrapped people into tripping over vine-like tentacles, and into their mouth. Their head is shapped like a Venus fly trap—it is constantly open flat on the ground unless it was processing its meal—camouflaged by the greenery that surrounds it.

Sqq was able to notice the plant before anyone got tripped into its jaw simply because he smelled cup ramen. (Something that doesn't exist in ancient China or PIDW.) The plant entices people/animals by letting off a scent that people yearn, whether its perfume or food. If it is inhaled a lot, it can even cause hallucinations and/or paralysis.

Sqh just forgot that he even created the plant for some random, forgotten wife that was devoured by said plant, and lost their qi to papapa with lbh. (Fortunately, in some sense, it was a consented papapa as the random, forgotten wife was lured into the plant's jaw because she was hallucinating lbh after smelling "lbh's" scent for way too long.) It wasn't until sqh literally saw sqq getting his leg devoured did it instantaneously come to mind.

Had sqq, been a second late from jumping away, he would've been completely devoured. However, just one leg was enough for the venus trap to quickly devour sqq's qi. He groans in pain, as the hairs on the plant pierced into his leg.

In the same instant, the vine-like tentacles had yanked sqh up into the air, leaving him hanging upside down. It was probably its next meal after it was done with sqq. Sqh cuts off the entangling vines, sliding down the same vines he had cut before he rolls onto the floor, and lands on one knee acting like some super hero. Practically scoffing proudly because heh, wasn't that so cool of him? (Not the right time to be joking, though!) As sqh gets slammed to the side by another vine. Sqq had laughed at sqh because of how ridiculously stupid this whole situation was, and as a coping mechanism.

The fool coughs, like shit. The attack had knocked the wind out of his lungs. He hackles and wheezes, inhaling the plant's scent way more than necessary. He was lying prone on the leaves that had helped camouflaged the venus trap. It is especially coated with honey-like substance that acts like a sticky trap for insects or mices. He's stuck against the leaf. He covers his mouth with the end of his robe sleeves. Not that it's of any help because of the hallucination/paralysis-inducing trap. Suddenly, he remembered another key point of the venus trap.

His head swung up, eyes widened as he watches the very moment sqq had lost consciousness. "Fuck, Cucumber-bro!" He hissed underneath his breath.

"Wake up...!" He shouts, coughing. "Wake up!" He shouts again, with more urgency. His face twisted in anguish and pain as he couldn't move, he could only watch helplessly as the jaws of the venus trap released sqq's leg, and vines wiggled around sqq's limbs. (It was acting like some tentacle hentai...) That's not the key point, the key point is that the vines have this ability—oh. It needn't be elaborated as sqh gets a first class view of what exactly the vines do.

Sqq echoed...? It was like watching a rock plop into water, causing the surface of the water to riddle wavy lines. It was like watching a player lag back and forth. Sqq's soul—or rather sy's soul—had been ripped away from sqq's body. The vines that had previously been entangling sqq's body dropped him, and was now entangling sy's soul.

"Wake up before your soul gets taken away, Shen Qingqiu!" Unable to move a limb, sqh shouts, screams, and cuss to no avail. He's unable to strip the robes away as the he is being held down by vines. This is not the type of shitty porno he wrote! Hell, why did he just now realize that he doesn't know sy's real name aside from Peerless Cucumber?

And just seconds before the venus trap had open its jaws to chomp sy's soul entirely, the vines were cut into multiple pieces. Its jaw completely cut in half. Green robes fluttered, grabbing ahold of the soul before landing on their one good leg.

Sy's soul glitched like some broken TV frizzing with rgb colors. It cackles as if a fuzz had popped. The soul had previously been a cyan green color. It is now that of a normal human. Their hair is no longer long or ebony, its more slightly gray. Their skin blushed red, they huffed a fever. Their long lashes contorted into their scrunched face, they kind of look adorable... Hell, who the hell is that? It doesn't look like sqq at all, which makes sense as the one that had been occupying sqq this whole time wasn't sqq.

But then, who the hell is actually occupying sqq now...? Of course, who else but the original goods? The original sqq has sy in his arms, looking down at him as if he was looking at some bug. At any moment, he looked like he'll drop sy into the hole where the venus trap had once been hiding in. However, that never comes. He merely stares at sy, looking rather displeased.

With the venus trap dead, the honey-like substance that had once entrapped sqh prone to the leaf had lost its effect. Its unknown how it works, really. May hap it was the results of qi-depletion. Whatever, the details of how the plant works are not that important.

Sqh runs to sqq? Sy? With whatever adrenaline helping him. He looks up at sqq and down at sy before he just hugs the both of them. "Thank you. Oh my fucking god. Thank you, thank you for being alive." It's unknown who exactly he's saying that to...

And then, I never got past this idea! Lmao, it simply loops in my brain, never continuing

i choked on my sliced watermelon reading this and my roommate had to save me 💀

This thread is hysterical.

#stopschoolshootings https://www.instagram.com/p/BvVXoJmnqEu/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1l38wneewhw75

We got ice cream🍦🍦🍦 I got a Birthday Cake and Rainbow Sherbet. (at Scoops on First) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsHihlHlSaE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=siht04ro7me4

no thoughts, just cuddle pile with scumcumplane

sqh had been surviving on powernaps for a few days. he's barely keeping his eyes open when sy burst in to his room. sqh immediately straightened up at the sound of the door opening. sy doesn't even say anything. he lets his eyes roam all over sqh's form and sqh is waiting for a scathing remark but sy just gestures for him to follow. then he just walks out. sqh isn't sure what that was but he trails after sy.

sy leading him to sj's office. sj is stressed. he's been going over plans to how to help his disciples grow because of a dumb competition he's in with lqg and creating individual plans for all off them is difficult. sj is pouring over that when sy throws the door open. the two stare at each other. sy gestures for sj to follow him. he does (though he mutters some complaints under his breath).

sy takes them to his office where he has a large circular bed installed. he points to the bed. sqh, who had been standing only through willpower, promptly lays his head down and falls asleep. sy turns to sj, eyebrow raised. sj gestures with his head for sy to go first.

the three of them end up sleeping for several hours and the rest of the peak lords were freaking out trying to find them

how did Shen Qingqiu even get that tall.

wasn't he a street kid, scavenging for any food he could get for several years? was he fed somewhat adequately in his time in qiu manor and that made up for it somehow? how was my man like 6 foot something???

me imagining teeny tiny Shen Jiu, barely taller than a tea plant as a baby, and then he just shoots up in his teens.

Bingqiu and Moshang had crap first times because deep down in their soul Cumplane really wants to fuck but they are so sexually incompatible it not only makes their canon relationships sex life worse but if they did actually fuck it might kill them in the most embarrassing ways possible

Their dicks touch and it summons a full slapstick routine that ends with at least a serious injury and they will still be sexually frustrated

absolutely adore, very cute and silly

I wrote a cumplane fic!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/63230209/

It's pwp and silly 😁

"Why did you kill my brother?" Despite how most of her face was covered by a viel, Liu Mingyan's grey eyes alone held immeasurable hatred. She had been waiting, her grip on her sword white-knuckled, as if she was itching to cut him down where he stood.

Shen Jiu nearly flinched. The Old Palace Master had dragged introductions and the "testing" questions out long enough in order to make sure the serum was "working" and fighting his loose lips had take more of his willpower than he thought. Resisting drained the spare qi he had left circulating in his body. The Old Place Master had simply chuckled, enjoying the spectacle, and told him that it would be easier to answer.

He had wanted to laugh. Easier? No, it would be easier for them, but not for him. Not for anyone who had anything worth keeping buried. Any slip in his concentration and he would say something that he didn't want to. He was being run ragged, and they hadn't even gotten to the main plaintiffs that had demanded this whole trial in the first place, Liu Mingyan and Qiu Haitang.

(Seeing Tang'er made his heart pound in remembered affection. He didn't regret saving her.)

Why did you kill my brother? Lost in his thoughts, and with the serum clawing at his throat, Shen Jiu's mouth had opened without his notice.

"I didn't kill him." Silence fell.

Fuck.

"You-- what?" Liu Mingyan faltered, before her eyes hardened once more. "No, you killed him. Or you fatally injured him and then left him to die like the dishonorable wretch--"

"I didn't kill him." Shen Jiu desperately tried to shut his mouth but he was so tired. "He qi-deviated and attacked me, and I tried to save him. I poured myself into him, I nearly died giving everything that I had in my spiritual veins to save that brute from his own folly, but I failed. Just like--" He nearly bit through his tongue in his attempt to stop talking.

"Just like what?" Liu Mingyan demanded, stepping closer.

Shen Jiu clenched his teeth and his fists against the pull of the serum, sweating with the effort of restraining himself, but the words were ripped out, raw and vicious.

"Just like I always do," he spat, the bitterness thick in his throat. "I failed. I always fail."

"You expect me to beielve that? After everything, after how much you fought with him over the years, you want me to believe that you tried to save him?" The fire in Liu Mingyan's eyes hadn't died but there was something else now-- hesitation, confusion.

"I don't give a damn what you believe," he snarled, voice like a whipcrack through the silence. Liu Mingyan stepped back at his words. "If I had wanted him dead, I wouldn't have wasted my own energy trying to save his stupid, arrogant, bullheaded self from his own mistakes!"

His breath was uneven and he was shaking subtly. His tongue throbbed and his mouth was flooded with the taste of blood, his blood. If not for the immortal binding cables, Shen Jiu was sure that he would be on edge of a qi deviation.

"You're lying," Liu Mingyan finally said. There was a waver in her voice. "You're lying, you must be."

He had said too much. And yet, it wasn't enough. It never was.

"The truth serum doesn’t allow for that," Mu Qingfang murmured from the side, his voice dangerously quiet. So much for his "cause no harm" oaths. "Especially not with him being so drained of qi."

Shen Jiu let out a harsh, humorless laugh. "Exactly."

What was the point in telling the truth if no one ever believed him?

Shen Qingqiu glared at the Old Palace Master. He just knew that the bastard was smirking behind his raised sleeves, sure of his destruction. Well, given the truth serum that they had just forced down his throat for this sham of a trial, the Old Palace Master might be right, but Shen Qingqiu-- Shen Jiu had never gone down without a fight.

Still, it would be hard to resist the serum. They had forced him to take Hearts' Sorrow, which was notorious for not only forcing a person to answer truthfully, but also had a tendency to loosen the person's inhibitions so as to make it harder to control their emotions and the ability to keep their mouth shut.

Shen Jiu liked to pretend that he didn't have any emotions to exploit, his heart as cold as his face, however, he was already exhausted and stressed from the entire ordeal. His mind raced through the fog of the serum and the weakness induced by the immortal binding cables, yet the only real tactic he had at the moment was to quite literally bite his tongue so he couldn't speak.

He knew he had the bad habit of not explaining himself, of just letting people think what they wanted to think, which often lead to people just assuming the worst of him. He knew he wasn't a good person, either, so often, it was justified. After all, he had kicked that little beast down into the Abyss (though, he had considered it a favor rather than killing the beast, and look where that had gotten him).

But he still had things he wanted to protect. Even if Yue Qingyuan (Qi-ge) liked to pretend to not have started in the dirt like the slaves they used to be, he still refused to reveal anything that might harm the other.

He bit down harder and tasted iron.

Even if Qi-ge had abandoned him, Xiao Jiu would keep his promise.