Every So Often Ashihara Makes It Abundantly Obvious That Borders Fighting Force Is Purely Made Up Of

lol I was rereading Untold Origins, and the whole thing about Ranpo believing he's an ability user is actually so funny, cause the whole time in the present it's sort of made out to be this mystery why he thinks that, what's the deal with the glasses, why did the President, a man who is really calm and wise in our timeline, tell him he was an ability user, there must be some sort of deep explanation for this.

And then Untold Origins is just Fukuzawa have five mental breakdowns, just barely containing himself from tossing Ranpo into the ocean multiple times, and he was literally making schtuff up as he went along. He told Ranpo his "ability" could only be activated through some object, but didn't get far enough as to what it would be. Told him they were more or less "magic" when he got them for cheap from some store, literally knocked him out and went "behold, you are in a new world. Everyone else is stupid. They're babies. You and you alone are smart" and immediately gave this fourteen year old boy a god complex, and every moment afterwards he's just sitting there like "kill me, please someone kill me." Was about to tell him the truth but then Ranpo started blabbering about it to everyone and Fukuzawa was like "ok, I guess I'm taking this secret to my grave now." He's so underratedly funny.

Chuuya's backstory is so insane because like, any one event from 15-Stormbringer would be enough to constitute a lesser man's entire tragic backstory. Heck, that one scene from Dead Apple where you learn six of his friends died would be enough to be a tragic backstory. Grew up on the streets, forced to become the leader of a group of children who only saw you as a weapon, struggling with your own humanity, betrayal, five friends being brutally murdered because of you, even the detective who wanted to bring him out of the Mafia dying could be enough of a backstory, and I haven't even gotten to the torture yet. But Chuuya's just special like that.

What if skk got caught in a bank holdup

A random idea/fanfiction by me.

Inspired by: the shower (truly, it's a magical place)

Because like, imagine, will you, that Dazai goes to the bank on his day off after payday, possibly looking to get some new bandages, and who should he come across but Chuuya, who is there to take out some money from a totally legitimate Port Mafia account. They'd probably bicker for a minute, Dazai would find at least three ways to insult the mafioso, who would then shout back at him, only to have everyone else in the bank shoot them strange looks, so he then resorts to whisper shouting. Until suddenly, the doors burst open, and in rushes five men with guns blazing, their faces obscured by masks. "This is a hold up!" they declare. Three of them usher all the bankgoers to one wall, forcing them to sit down quietly. And of course, if any of them try to call the police, they'd really get it. The other two deal with the clerks, getting them to open the vault, and no one gets hurt.

Meanwhile, Dazai and Chuuya are watching this play out with mild amusement. After one of them sticks a gun in Dazai's face and tells them to move it, they share a shrug and walk to the wall, plopping down criss-cross applesauce. The patrons are shaking. Some of them are crying, some are praying. Dazai folds his arms behind his head and leans back against the wall, suppressing the urge to yawn. Chuuya takes the opportunity to munch on a granola bar and observe the robbery with vague interest.

With his eyes closed, Dazai asks... "so...are you going to stop them, or...?"

"Nah," Chuuya answers between bites. "I haven't eaten much all day, so..." He turns to Dazai. "What about you? Aren't you the detective here?"

"Yeah, but it's my day off now. I don't want to work."

"Yeah, yeah, definitely know the feeling."

"Hey, you two!" shouts one of the thieves watching the hostages. "Be quiet!"

"Sorry." Neither of them sound particularly apologetic. They sit for a few more minutes. Dazai yawns and stretches. Chuuya finishes his granola bar. Nothing changes.

"What's taking them so long?" Chuuya mutters. He's starting to get annoyed. "Some of us have things to do, you know."

"This is actually really pathetic," comments Dazai. "We could have gotten double the money and been halfway back to the base by now, gone before the police even knew there was a threat."

"And we'd never do it like this," agrees the mafioso. "This is too loud, and it's got no class."

"Right? It's like begging for the police to come. And besides, this whole hostage situation is thin as paper. If they really wanted to intimidate people, they should have shot someone by now, prove they're serious."

"Those guns probably aren't even loaded."

"Honestly, this whole set up is awful. Truly amateurish."

"This whole thing would be much smoother if we did it. Maybe we should help them, just so they can get their money and leave the rest of us alone."

"That-"

"Hey!" shouts the same guard again. He points at Dazai, then at Chuuya. "What did I say about talking?! If you don't shut up-"

"No, you're doing it wrong," Dazai informs him.

"I...what?"

"If you really wanted to intimidate us, you should have fired off a warning shot, at the very least. Even if you're too coward to actually shoot a person, at least don't make it so obvious the thing's not even loaded."

Beads of sweat drip down the thief's face. "Huh?"

"And could you tell your friends there to hurry up?" adds Chuuya. "They're going to be caught at this rate. Obviously, the clerks are stalling. They're probably sticking in the lowest bills they have to give the bags some weight. It would be way more efficient to have one guy guarding the clerks and two of you doing it yourself."

"Just figure out the accounts with the most in them and take from there," Dazai suggests, standing up. "You'll get more and faster like that."

Chuuya rises as well. Now, the other two thieves who were supposed to be guarding the hostages come to back up their friend, pointing their guns directly at their heads. Dazai frowns.

"Hold on a second, can I see that? Thanks." He reaches out and grabs the nearest thief's gun, and before he even has a chance to protest, he opens up the magazine and shakes it.

"See? Empty. Would it really have been so hard to even find one bullet to put in there?"

From behind their masks, the burglars begin to panic. The public, now aware they're being held up by nothing, stand up angrily.

"And look!" Chuuya strides over behind the counter, where the clerks are supposed to be filling up bags with money. He takes one out of a male's clerk's hand and dumps it out on the floor. "All 1,000 yen bills. If you had just paid more attention, you could have made off with much more. And, now the police are coming."

Indeed, the sound of wailing sirens gets louder and louder. The thieves glance at each other. With a single nod, they turn on their heels and run.

"Not so fast!" All of the former hostages block the door. The thieves freeze, turning to Dazai fearfully. He shrugs.

"That's what happens when you don't back-up your claims. This is due to your own stupidity."

The public manages to easily restrain the thieves until the police arrive to take them away. As they're being dragged out, Dazai and Chuuya merely watch with their arms folded, shaking their heads and muttering to themselves.

"Disgraceful."

"What a sloppy job."

"Embarrassment to all criminals, really."

"Can't believe I had my time wasted with this crud."

"Hopefully, they'll do better next time."

"Yeah. If you're going to hold up a bank, at least do it well."

After the thieves are taken away, the police ask Dazai and Chuuya about what happened, since everyone says that they're the ones who stopped them. They answer with vague statements that amount to nothing, and leave the bank before they have to get more involved.

Neither of them speak much, each caught up in his own memories from the past. Eventually, Dazai decides to head back to his apartment, though not without giving one good jarb on Chuuya's height. In the end of the day, he supposed he did stop them. Well, as long as it didn't have to count as work-

The next day, both Chuuya and Dazai were required to make a report on the matter.

End.

So you know what I just found out that suddenly makes things make more sense?

The legal age of adulthood in Japan was 20 until 2022. Which means that in 2012 or 2016, when the BSD manga and anime came out, respectively, 18 would still have been considered a minor.

Because one thing that always sort of confused me was the fact that Atsushi was 18, and yet they still kicked him out because of the tiger and not because he was the legal age of adulthood. Because he would have technically still been a minor. So the orphanage sucks, basically.

Anyways, that's a fun Today I Learned

Chuuya's wardrobe and how it changes over the years truly is everything to me. He's on the streets, he wears a hoodie, a biker jacket covering the hoodie, and jeans. He joins the mafia and gets a hat. He immediately gets a fancy outfit to accommodate said fancy hat. He loses the hat, and then he wears the standard suit, but different, cuz he's Like That™. Then it's back to the hat, but also back to the biker jacket. Then it's the fancy outfit. Then it's a fancy biker jacket. Seriously, his wardrobe is such a perfect representation of his character. I love him.

The only acceptable way for bsd to end is with Atsushi standing over Fyoghurt with a knife, Epic the Musical Vengeance Saga style.

"You can't kill me."

"Exactly!"

*Cues angry stabbing while Dazai holds onto Fyoghurt to stop his ability from taking over Atsushi*

"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE HELPLESS-"

Happy birthday, chuuya!🧡🎉

Dazai, when he's first introduced: Yeah i wanna kms but I don't want to burden anyone.

Dazai, the rest of the series: fails to khs and burdens anything with a pulse.

So like.

If that's not Fyodor, does that mean Nikolai is just hugging some random dude's hand???

Just wondering.

I'm trying to prove a point.