Intrusive Thoughts - Blog Posts

The term "conscious" refers to the awareness and understanding of one’s own existence and feelings. I recognize that I can pursue and achieve my most passionate and seemingly unattainable dreams. It is essential to acknowledge this power within myself.

I often find myself puzzling over what the right choices are. I understand that human DNA grants us the capacity to make mistakes, allowing us time to reflect on what went wrong.

However, my mind tends to switch back and forth between fear and the overwhelming possibilities of scenarios in which I might feel eternally ashamed of myself.

In conclusion, I affirm that I am indeed a conscious individual.

A recollection comes to mind in which an educator advised me to cease counting my mathematical equations on my fingers, as there exists a potential future scenario in which I could contract sepsis, leaving medical professionals with no alternative but to perform amputations on both hands.

Expirience with OCD so far

listen to me. thoughts do not have moral weight. a thought will never hurt anyone. the actions you take because of a thought can hurt yourself or other people, but the thought itself is powerless and there is no such thing as thought crime.

"but i have thoughts about being violent towards people! towards children! surely that makes me dangerous!" are you being violent? for real? with your actions? if not, then you are not actually hurting anyone

"but i have thoughts that are offensive and hurtful! they're bigoted, or they're horribly rude, or they're invalidating to others! i'm a horrible person." and what are you doing with those thoughts, exactly? are you taking bigoted actions, or saying those rude things, or taking steps to actually invalidate people? no? well then. no one is getting hurt. and in the meantime, if it really bothers you, doing things like helping unlearn your biases (both against minorities and just, like, against furries and theatre kids and shit) might help some of those thoughts go away, but sometimes you just get shitty thoughts.

"but i have horrific thoughts about sex!" are you hurting people. are you forcing people to do things they don't consent to. or are you just playing the upsetting possibility in your mind over and over again, and acting like that's even remotely the same thing?

thought. crime. is. not. real. OCD. is. hell. (and anything else that may cause intrusive thoughts.) but it does not define you. your thoughts will always, always come secondary to your actions. you're gonna be fine.

reminders for dealing with intrusive thoughts:

you are not your intrusive thoughts, they don't make you an awful person (i promise)

your fear and disgust towards your intrusive thoughts shows you acknowledge that those things are bad, therefore you'd most likely never act on them

you are not dangerous or disgusting or "insane"

you are not alone

it will be okay

your loved ones will be okay

you will be okay

I’m overall a very kind person. But, sometimes I find myself withholding the URGE to act. Yes, everyone has intrusive thoughts and I am aware of the horrible things we have thought of doing. I have said this quite a few times over this new year and last year. “I show and give kindness to hide my violence.”(me) I had Just thought of this a few moments ago and wondered if that’s how I really am. But I’m not…..right? I personally do kind things and be nice to others around me. Though…even with people I do not like. My feelings ARE sincere, I, or maybe many, have violent tendencies. We just don’t act out because we know, WE KNOW this is treacherous and can cause harm to ourselves and people we know. Feeling I have gone overboard like, 2-4 times(and regretted what I had done) and the after feeling is guilt. Many other emotions such as, overthinking, sadness, mood swings, anxiety and a few other negative emotions. I, as a individual, don’t know how to feel of myself whenever I want to do my violent thoughts. I won’t put examples but if you are reading this you may guess what I am implying. This is a major thought I’ve had for quite some (long) time and don’t know why I am doing this but. I’d say it is a weird thought I wouldn’t want to talk about in person.

MY HED HURRRRTSSA ANJABSVS🧠🤛🏾🤛🏾🤛🏾🤛🏾💥💥

Parents are always complaining about their children grow up too fast, as a critique. As if you were doing it to annoy them.

But they're also doing it. They grow old too fast.

Why, mom?

Me at 6: Mom, can I help you with laundry?

-No, sweetie, it's grownup stuff, you're too little for laundry.

Me at 10: Mom, do you need help with laundry?

-If you want to help, do your homework, school is your only job.

Me at 15: Mom, do you need...

-What I need is to finish laundry in peace, can't you see i'm in a hurry?

Mom to 23 yo me: Can you do the laundry today?

-I don´t know how to use the washing machine.

-You're 23, how can you not know! You're useless. I can't count on you for anything, I have to do everything myself, it's my fault for having children.

A behaviour previously unheard of

I woke up on a strange bed, on a strange room, on a strange body.

Ok, no, it was my body, it just felt strange because I was thirsty and tired. I was on the softest bed I had ever lied on, and my back wasn't used to it. I had been chasing a demon all over the country.

I didn't knew who it was possesing, or what was his plan. All I knew was that he was targeting me personally. Herding me, taunting me, leaving dead things outside my window. There was a dead squid on the windosill right now. It stinked.

I was a bounty hunter, specializing in 3rd realm entities. I was working towards the licensing for Woy realm as well, but full time jobs mean that studying is a slow affair. I wish I had tried harder, though. 5 months away from the license and I'm going to die. Slowly, if the demon has broght me here instead of killing me on the spot. It means it will not consume my flesh, but my life-magic. It's risky and brings atention, but it will be nigh invincible when it finishes.

Not that I care. I will be dead, and there's no one in my life to worry about. I won't be missed or miss anyone. That's depressing.

Mom and dad sucked, prefering booze and drugs and orgies over their own children. Probably why my sister was a junkie who was in and out of prision. My coworkers weren't bad, but they weren't my friends, of which I had none to speak of. I had only had one serious partner once, but I prefered not to think about it. It was also depressing.

Him, I did miss. We had 3 beautiful years together, more happines that I ever thought possible or diserved, until he had gotten the letter.

His mother was sick. Deathbed sick.

He immediately wanted to go to her, but it was two whole countries away. I didn't knew the language back then, or the customs (I still don't know those, but I learned the language, to torture myself I think), but I do know they kill anyone who commits the smallest offense. The higher ones get torture first. They had no hunters there, apparently no creatures or magic either. They had days in which the entire earth shook and moved, and yearly floods. It sounds like a horrible place. He never spoke fondly of it, and she had no property or money or security for him to arrive to. I didn't knew how she lived.

I didn't understand why he wanted to go, why he prefered that women he hadn't seen in 10 years over me. He didn't understand why I wouldn't come with him, as I had nothing in my life besides him. We said some things to each other. He eventually left, slamming the door. I assumed he would return, but he never did. Left everything he owned in my house, my heart included.

I cried myself to sleep that week. Something died inside me, which suprised me because I thought there was nothing inside of me to die. Funnily enough, the same thing was happening right now. I thought my life was pointless, that someday some creature would kill me and I just.. didn't care. Until it was happening, and then I did very much care. I surprised myself because I wanted to live. I wanted to find him. I promised to myself I would go look if I survived the demon.

The demon I heard coming down the hall.

It wasn't ugly, though? It looked freshly bathed, hair combed and clothes well fitted. Usually they look disheveled, and smell strongly of unwashed human. That's how you can tell them appart on their human form.

You are awake. Good. Do you need something?

I heard his voice on my head. They are telepatic in this form, as they have no throat or lungs or organs on their body, (mouth, nostrils, ears, asshole and vaginas where applicable were blind holes, only there for the ilusion of humanity; if you cut it in half you'll just find skin and meat, like a human shaped sausage, they stay upright and are tough only because of magic).

But I must have been alucinating because I thought I heard him ask if I needed something.

-Wa..Wat- I couldn't speak. He got it for me anyways.

-Thanks.

You're welcome.

Ok, that was unnerving. He was not only speaking on my head again (creepy), but also being nice. Demons don't do that, they kill and consume until they themselves are killed or consumed, by other demons or their own actions. But this one wasn't doing either.

-Are you going to take my life-magic or kill me?

Neither. The love of my life is in mortal danger. I need your help.

having ocd is so funny cuz you’ll be doing something totally normal and then get an intrusive thought worse than a shock site gore video and u can’t even say anything abt it cuz then ppl think ur batshit insane

here's a little reminder that no one can read your mind or see your "weird" or "bad" thoughts and daydreams! mind readers are not real, and your inner world is entirely private. your thoughts and daydreams are not embarrassing or bad, and they do not define your morality!

everyone who keeps saying shit like "sounds like something a mind reader would say" or "mind readers are real actually" i will eat you to death and enjoy every minute of it. not the time or place

A Time's Mind

author:

Widow_Spyder

summary:

Gen shut off the TV with a huff, angrily throwing the remote onto the floor before burying his head into the couch cushion and letting himself go.

Oh yes indeed, everyone was having the time of their lives, back in a newly minted world with technology and high rises and working water pumps. Everyone except for one. Because of those 367 days since they saved humanity. Gen had been alone for 322 of them.

the adhd + intrusive thoughts combo is a fun one because these thoughts should be making me feel awful and anxious but then the adhd gets distracted by a window frame and then i forget to dwell on them

my therapist asked me if i consider myself an anxious person, to which i responded 'no' as if i'm not purposely withholding my worst fear from him bc i'm convinced that if i tell anyone they'll use it to sabotage me