( The Villain. ) - Blog Posts

bxstvrd​:

DATE & TIME: around twilight….u know for the Ambiance LOCATION:Outside the FAB AVAILABILITY: Taken @aldysfool​

Jonah hated rehearsals with everything in him this semester. Hated being relegated to the background, hated watching other people twirl through the spotlight, hated that he would never again feel the golden hue grace his face at Alderidge. He’d snuck out early for a smoke, knowing that he wouldn’t be in anymore scenes, but he turned, surprised, when he heard the doors of the FAB swing open behind him, feeling a certain awkwardness when he realized it was Nate coming out to break his solitude. Because living with Nate, he could avoid him easily, had mastered the art of hiding in plain sight from both of his roommates, but out here, in the open, he couldn’t avoid him… and he was even more surprised to find he didn’t want to.

There was a surprising amount of discomfort when his desire to stay brushed up against his instinct to run, and it made Jonah irritable when he didn’t want to be. He caught himself, thankfully, before he lashed out and said something he didn’t mean, but he did say, brusquely, without looking at Nate, “I hope you didn’t come out here because of me. I was fine before, and I’ll keep being fine after you’re gone, so… there’s no need to check on me. And if you didn’t follow me out here, well, great, but there’s plenty of space that you can occupy that’s not also in my space. So.”

.

rehearsal nate is a different kind of nate; less partying, less recreational drug usage, less deviant behavior. except on the weekends. and yeah, macbeth is fun and he’s actually not hating rehearsal. even being onstage with grace isn’t the total soul sucker it used to be when orson was around. heidi felt different as a director, and nate appreciated her willingness to play along with his antics — to some degree, at least. there came a point in rehearsal when he wouldn’t be needed for a while, and while nate normally loved to sit in the back of the rehearsal space and doodle in his script while watching his fellow thespians work on stage, his phone buzzes and he doesn’t even look at it to know what time it is. he grabs his backpack and heads towards the doors. 

when he opens them and sees jonah, nate smiles for only a moment before it’s replaced by a raised eyebrow. the moodiness on this one. nate rolls his eyes, “somebody’s in a good mood. ...anyway, you don’t own the sidewalk and secretly we both know you enjoy my company, so there’s that. now if you’ll excuse me,” he looks around, “i have a date.” the lights around the FAB aren’t bright enough to completely illuminate the surrounding grounds, but nate is sure that he’ll find what he’s looking for if he stands here long enough. 

“quick, random question: you allergic to small, furry animals?”

bxstvrd​:

Jonah’s eyes flickered to Nate, and he looked at his roommate, really looked at his roommate, for what felt like the first time. When he thought of Nate, he thought of lightness and air, of loud bravado and effortless friendliness. He almost wanted to fight Nate, wanted to argue with him and insist, no, you’ve never felt like this, no, there’s no way you know what this is like, and yet, he found himself believing Nate completely, without a shadow of a doubt.

It was… surprising, to say the least. That perhaps the feeling in his chest, of waves threatening to overwhelm him, of that not-so-gentle hum of anxiety in the pit of his stomach, maybe he didn’t have to explain them to Nate. Maybe Nate knew already.

“How do you… let them?” he asked, quiet, sincere. Because this, this was the hardest part for him. Somehow, he’d managed to convince two people, Helen and Harry, that he wasn’t just this shitty black hole that consumed and consumed and never gave anything back, and they were there. They wanted to help, and Jonah could not, for the life of him, figure out how to let them.

He wanted to be saved. He wanted to be saved so badly it was killing him. And then, the words were leaving his lips before he could stop them, pure terror infused into every breath, because this was his greatest fear, and he didn’t know why he was asking Nate, didn’t know how he’d allowed himself to trust in less than thirty seconds, but here he was, spilling over and spilling out, and god he just hoped Nate would understand. “What if I let them… what if they try to save me and they can’t? What if every good thing about me has rotted away and when they try to peel back all the bad and find what’s left, there’s just… nothing? What then?”

Jonah had lost his appetite completely, the banana set aside and forgotten. There was no humor that was going to penetrate this, now that Nate had dredged it all up to the surface, like pulling some great shipwreck up from the bottom of the ocean. He was the wreck, and he was somehow also the storm.

“Don’t give me the same bullshit everyone else does,” he said sharply. “The whole everyone can be saved, nobody is too broken crap. Because there are people who are just… born wrong. There are people where no matter how hard you try to be good, it doesn’t take. What are those people supposed to do?” What am I supposed to do?

.

nate hears jonah, and he can’t help but hear the voice of someone who’s clearly wrestling with a lot of heartache and unresolved trauma. while nate’s first instinct is to make jokes or run away from most (emotional) situations, he chooses to sit in it this time. and it’s hard, because it reminds him of some dark places he pulled himself out from. places he wanted to forget about. nate tries to remember that there isn’t any shame in that  — in fact, there’s a pride he can take in looking back at all the things he’s been through. what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and all that cheesy shit.

but nate doesn’t say any of that, because again, jonah isn’t in the space to hear it; in this moment when his roommate is being his most vulnerable, nate wants to help him however he can. not because it’s a good thing to do. because he wants to. even if it might not be what jonah wants to hear.

“now, you’re smart enough to know that life isn’t that cut and dry. it’d be boring if it was. there isn’t just good and bad in the world — this shit is complicated and messy and...sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s worth the trouble.” nate moves to sit at the edge of jonah’s bed and faces him. it was time they got on the same level. “but let’s say you’re right. let’s say...there are some people who are born wrong and have no chance of being ‘saved’, whatever that means. why, then, consider the possibility of opening yourself up to being rescued? that’s some self-fulfilling prophecy bullshit that i don’t agree with. holding the people you love to unrealistic expectations is the quickest way to fuck things for them and for yourself. but if you were honest, you’d admit that you don’t want to push them out. because you hope, at some point, that their kindness will rub off on you.” 

nate sighs, because he realizes he’s gone deeper than he’d like on a post-breakfast conversation, but it’s too late to turn back now. at least they’re talking. “jonah, i’ve been where you are. hell, depending on the day, i’ve been a skip away from spending all day in the bed myself. but expecting to be ‘saved’ is not the answer. you know who needs saving? kittens in trees. princesses in fairy tales. babies, like literally all the time.” nate leans forward as if he’s telling jonah as secret.

“unfortunately, you and i are none of those things. there is no saving us, because life just doesn’t happen to us. we have the means to change things, to work towards something different for ourselves. and guess what? sometimes, we gotta get down and just fight for it. so do yourself a favor, do those people who love you a favor, and fucking fight for y-ourself, man.” his voice cracks for a second, but he doesn’t care.

it’s then that nate realizes his eyes are wet. he wipes them dry with the back of his hands. 

“....shit.”

.

bxstvrd​:

Jonah sometimes wished he’d just… left Nate there. It was a cruel thought, an intrusive one, and he could never manage to take himself to the end of that thought exercise, always snapping himself back to the reality where he’d sat with his classmate, cup of water in hand, staying the night until he was sure, sure that Nate would be okay. To this day, he had no idea why he’d done that. No idea where that kindness had come from within him. In the time since, he had decided, with a bitter sort of finality, it must have been a fluke. There was nothing else he could point to concretely that proved otherwise.

“Then let me ask a different question,” he said, finally meeting Nate’s gaze and leveling him with a sharp stare. “What’s in this for you?”

He took a deep breath, flicking his eyes back down, and he began picking at the threads of his duvet as he spoke. “People don’t just… do nice things. Not in my experience anyways. I helped you because I didn’t want to have to contend with the guilt of what could have happened if I didn’t. Not because I care. Not because I’m a good person. Probably because I’m a categorically bad person who cannot handle yet more evidence of that thrown back into my face. So, on top of being an ass, I guess I’m also a coward.”

And then, if only to make sure that Nate wasn’t going to have him committed, he added, “This happens before every audition. It’s normal. I promise.” Or at least, as normal as the crushing weight of his own depression, sitting on his chest like a ten ton gorilla, could be.

His stomach grumbled. Reluctantly, he took the banana, peeling it from the butt end and breaking off a chunk before popping it into his mouth.

nate thinks for a moment, because jonah asks him a good question, and he just doesn’t know if what immediately comes to mind is the right answer. he wants to go back and forth with jonah about how there are people in the world who just want to help. how some people actually accept their faults head-on and put in the work to become better versions of themselves. how some people are just good. end of story. but the more nate sits here and listens to jonah, the more he thinks none of that would matter. especially coming from him. so nate finishes his waffle and reaches for the bottle of OJ.

“y’know, i don’t think anybody’s a good person. i feel like most people are just trying their best not to fuck things up on a daily basis. and depending on the day, hour to hour, we’re lucky to get by.” nate shrugs.

“and i used to feel like you do. all the time. and spoiler alert, no amount of party drugs or vodka could help chase those thoughts away; in fact, they might’ve induced an episode or two. or three,” nate sits in the memories for a second, although they’re uncomfortable to him now; they feel a lifetime away. “but i let the people who were in my corner fight for me. take care of me. ...they saved my life.” nate takes a deep breath, because it’s hard to think about the person he used to be. the person he still is. the person he wants to be.

and now, looking at jonah, nate can’t help but wonder if there’s some alternate universe where they’ve switched places. because if nate didn’t have his parents or even jason, he’s sure he would be in a similiar position to jonah. and it scares him to think he wouldn’t be strong enough to last this long. but then he imagines a silly, happy jonah and it’s weird enough that he chooses to focus on that instead. nate grins.

“but you’re right. we’re not close. not even friends yet. .......and we won’t ever be, if you keep eating bananas like that. it’s a phallic fruit, but we’re not in the seventh grade, jonah. embrace the phallus and eat it like a fuckin’ normal person, or i’m never eating breakfast with you again.” 

bxstvrd​:

Jonah could barely keep up with Nate, his words blurring and twisting together, all of them turning into a cacophony of nonsense, filling up the silence in the room. And… he tried to find it in him to spit and snarl, to say something so cruel and terrible that Nate would leave, but instead, he was forced to contend with the truth: he liked that Nate was here. He liked not being alone.

He picked listlessly at the waffle, instead opting to grab for the drink Nate had offered him, the familiar aroma of fresh coffee tugging him out of his shell. Hands pawed up in his sweater, he lifted the cup to his lips and took a long, revelatory sip.

Then, even he surprised himself, because there was no malice in his voice when he asked: “Why are you here?”

Not because he’d turned over a new leaf. Mostly because he couldn’t muster the strength to be mean to Nate, which was his usual method of forcing people to leave him alone. It had worked so far with Julian, that much he was certain, but it was also a lonely way to live. When all you wanted was for people to see you for who you are, and yet you kept giving them reasons not to look past the surface… who did Jonah have to blame for any of this but himself?

“We’re not friends,” he said bluntly, not for any purpose other than to root them back in the truth. “You don’t owe me anything. So… why are do you care?”

nate is halfway through his waffle already, because his sweet tooth is something fierce in the morning, when he hears jonah’s question. it’s something about jonah’s candor that nate appreciates; if people walked around and just said what they felt more often, then maybe shit wouldn’t be so weird all the time ─ especially in this department. but nate can tell something is kicking jonah’s ass, and he can’t just leave him like this without having something to say about it. because he’s been there. 

although nate hasn’t completely finished chewing, he shrugs in response, “mmuhm? t’ me tha souns li’ th perf-uh pers tuh ta to*.” nate gives him a thumbs-up and a closed-mouth smile before swallowing. and then he collects his thoughts. 

“so, those are good questions, but secretly i don’t think you care about what my answer is either way. maybe sometimes a bro just wants to share a waffle with another bro. even if said bro doesn’t want the other bro to be there,” nate shakes his head and pulls out a banana from his bag. “besides, the same reason why i’m here is the same reason why you were there for me years ago.” 

he goes to take another bite of his waffle before he offers his banana to jonah. “you want some potassium?”

bxstvrd​:

Of course it was Nate.

Well-meaning, kind-hearted, persistent Nate. Jonah half wished it had been Julian who’d come back to the room solely because at least Julian was used to his moodiness, his snappishness, his cruelty. Nate… still seemed to think there was some shred of good in him, and Jonah, who’d be mean to a rock for sport, somehow couldn’t find it in him to treat the other with the same callousness he presented towards the rest of the world.

Didn’t mean he didn’t hate every second of being aware of his soft, incurable heart.

“I’m awake,” he mumbled, barely above a whisper. He refused to let Nate see him, refused to roll over and get up. And besides, even if he wanted to do either of those things, he couldn’t find the energy. “I’m not hungry.”

But he did have to find the energy. He wouldn’t be left alone if he didn’t at least try to assert himself. And so, it was with enormous effort that he sat up, rubbing tiredness from his eyes, before turning to face Nate. “If it’s alright with you, I don’t feel much like talking. I think– I’m coming down with something.” A total lie, but it was easier than telling the truth.

He couldn’t quite meet Nate’s gaze, knew his eyes always gave too much away, before finishing with, “You should go to class. I’ll be fine.”

nate sighs in relief, because while it seems like jonah’s going through a lot of other shit, at least he’s not dead. but he doesn’t look great, so nate attempts something most people don’t dare to do and bursts jonah’s personal bubble to take his temperature. which is really just the back of nate’s hand against jonah’s forehead, but it’s all nate needs to know that something’s up. 

“yeah, you’re comin’ down with something alright,” nate turns towards the food, “it’s pretty common, i think. almost as common as the cold,” he finds two forks and picks up the drink carrier, “and it’s been going around the department these past couple of weeks, so it’s actually not surprising you got it.” nate puts the food on a nearby surface, kicks off his shoes, and sits down on the floor next to jonah. “you know what it is, right?” he pushes one of the warm containers into jonah’s lap and hands him a fork and syrup. 

“just a classic case of bullshit, jonah. and while it’s normally contagious, lucky for you, my immune system is already shit so missing class is common for me.” nate opens up his own waffle container and takes no time to bathe it in syrup and butter, before he looks back up at jonah. “look. i don’t know what’s going on, or why it’s happening today, but i do know that obviously something is up with you and while you’re not obligated to talk to me about any of it, i’m not letting you face it alone on an empty stomach. so. we’re going to sit here and eat these Belgian waffles, because letting breakfast food get cold is a crime i don’t think i’m willing to commit. ...oh shit, you’re not on a gluten-free kick, right?”

bxstvrd​:

DATE & TIME: Monday morning, week of auditions LOCATION: J²’s room AVAILABILITY: Taken @aldysfool​

Jonah was already thirty minutes late to his first class of the day, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He’d woken up with a weight on his chest that wouldn’t move, a panic in his heart that left him debilitated, immobile. Mustering the strength to get out of bed seemed impossible, and he’d lay there, silent, pretending to be asleep, as Julian had got ready and left for the day, had tried not to notice the way his roommate had been hovering, as if questioning whether to wake Jonah up so he wouldn’t be late.

He made the right choice and left. Which meant Jonah was alone.

Numbly, through the fog of his mind, he recognized that he should call Harry. If he called Helen, he’d have to explain why he was like this, and he just… he couldn’t do it. But even reaching over to grab his phone seemed impossible, so he just lay there, festering like a wound, curled in on himself, trying to minimize the damage. When he was left alone, like this, painfully aware of his own existence, all he could think of was Orson, which turned into William, which turned into Des – all of the father figures who failed him, or maybe he failed them, and maybe every single one of them was right: there was nothing wrong with the world. There was something wrong with him.

And just like that, tears were welling in his eyes, staining his pillow. He curled in tighter, wrapping his arms around his knees, muffling the quiet hitches of his breath, not hearing the sound of the door of his dorm opening over the weight of his own agony.

contrary to what most people would assume, nate loved mornings. so much so, that he often just stayed awake to watch the sun rise; it’s a beautiful sight that always manages to bring him some comfort. had he always been this prone to insomnia? nah. was it something that had developed over the past couple of months? nope. would he admit it was getting worse every day? of course not. this morning was just like every other morning he’d had the previous week, except he was basically running off of caffeine fumes and a sugar rush, because mondays fucking sucked, but nate was not going to let the gloom of another week take the reigns of his morning. he couldn’t afford it.

so nate decides to spread the love with breakfast food, because hey, it’s his favorite meal of the day and not one student in the history of alderidge can deny the impressive spread the refectory boasts each morning. balancing two containers of waffles, a sack of fruit, and a drink carrier, nate tumbles through the dorm: “good day, my fellow thespians! let us gather and be merry and...talk shit, or whatever!” it doesn’t take him long to realize that no one’s listening, and for a moment, he’s a little bummed that j&j are nowhere to be found. nate checks for julian — nope. so he turns his attention to jonah. nate almost reconsiders checking on him, but he calls out anyway, “jonah, you up? i’ve brought sustenance." nate doesn’t hear a response, so he shrugs and sits the bags down before he drops all of it. nate knows he’s there, but tries to rationalize that maybe he doesn’t want to be bothered. ...but then it starts to bug him, so nate tries again. he needs to hear some kind of response, or else his mind will start to jump to wildly ridiculous conclusions.

“...i didn’t bring any burnt toast this time, so that’s a plus. right?”