Non Stop Grind

"I don't have enough faith to be an athiest."

A line I've heard but never delved into. But I thought about it and came to that exact conclusion. I don't have the faith to be an athiest. Those words don't sound right together but they're very closely related. One day, we'll all die. Our sisters, our brothers, moms, dads, children, friends, etc. But nobody knows what happens when we die except the dead. Theists belive there is something after death, whether heaven, hell, reincarnation, divinity, whatever other beliefs are out there. Athiests believe there is...nothing. Just a big dirt nap. Now, life is a very big bet. You gamble all you have on the way you live and what you do.

The consequence of being a theist and being wrong is nothing because while we may have "wasted" our lives, we were happy with our choices. If we weren't happy, we can't even regret it because we'll be dead. Unable to think or feel. But the consequence of being an athiest and being wrong is in some cases, small and trivial, and sometimes very big and excruciating. Like hell. Y'know, the pit of everlasting flames where teeth gnash, souls weep, and flesh burns but does not decay. For eternity. The benefit of being an athiest and being right is a fun and wild time on Earth for about 80 years (if your lucky) that you'll forget once you croak. The benefit of being a theist and being right is living a life with hope and purpose and then getting whatever benefit there is to that religon, which is a perfect world with a perfect God in christianity once you die. Does that sound like equal pay equal reward to you?

You need to have the upmost faith in the belief that there is nothingness after death to be an athiest or you waste not these 80 years you love so badly, but the eternity afterward. You stake your body, your life, your future and your soul on it. You risk an eternity and afterlife in burning flames to believe it.

No matter what, we will all face death and we will all have to make a bet on something or someone. Atheism isn't a way of not betting at all, it's betting on there being no answer to the question, no number on the dice being thrown. Believing in every God and religon is betting on every answer being right, betting that every number is the right bet, which is contradictory and completely false. It's not a way out, it's either you turned off your brain and used "I want proof" as an escape route, or you genuinlly have the faith to be able to say you are willing to risk hell and eternal flames and firmly believe that there is nothing after death. That is a lot of faith. More faith than I have.

The only bet a theist has to make is on who they believe. They have 4000 somethin options but only one can be true. God has given me all the reason I need to follow Him, and so I will do just that.

But yeah. I don't have the faith to be an athiest.

Here's how I know God is good:

I had to take the ACT today and everything just seemed to go wrong. I woke up with bad period cramps, so I was obviously going to get my period during the test, I forgot my ID at home and was going to be late, my parents got into another arguement and at this point I can't tell if they'll divorce or not, and even though I ate, I felt starving by the time I arrived. But it worked out even when I was freaking out. I was protected because I was able to recognize my period coming this morning, I got to school on time and apparently didn't even need my ID because my teacher happened to be nearby to identify me anyway, and I was hungry but my stomach didn't rumble at all during the test and I had a snack during break. My prayers were all answered and my needs taken care of. I'm not even going to worry about my parents because if God wants to work it out, he will do so and I believe it.

From this I just want to say:

THANK YOU JESUS, LOVE YOU

Remember the days you cried alone? Remember all the pain you went through? Remember all the sorrow and anger? Now for a different set of questions. Do you remember the days you laughed happily? Or the days of perfect comfort and a warm bed? Or the joy and love you felt? Why is it that we hold God so responsible for the first set of questions but not for the latter? He provides all that is good, not all that is suffering. Sometimes I'm so focused on being ok that I don't sit to just see the reality of things. The person who gives me grief and suffering and trauma isn't God. He let's it happen so he can do good things, but He did not do it. It was actually an ugly and stupid snake. The same snake that tried to drag me to hell because he's a salty failure and has no life. The same snake who dare try and decieve me and all of my brothers and sisters. The same snake who if you gave me the chance, I would run a pipe down it's skull and out the other end, place it over a fire, and have a cookout. I hate that snake. But don't hate God because the snake is annoying.

Christians will be persecuted. Always. But I just want to point out, that what used to be, and in some places still are, persecution, is different than the kind of persecution others will face. Crucification, execution, torture and death now turn into sarcastic jabs, angry yelling and hateful glares. Both are pretty scary, but think of what used to be the punishment compared to now. I am so guilty of this, as I am very shy and outspoken. I plan my entire conversation before even initiating it when I simply want to ask for a pencil. I count the amount of sniffles I have to make and panic at 5 because I feel like I'm disturbing people. I hate attention, I really do, especially bad attention. So I avoid talking about faith in public because of this unspoken rule in society that says religon is a forbidden topic. Let's all just be glad we aren't in a hydrolic press and that all we'll get is side glances

I used to pray almost every week to God to kill me in my sleep. I used to get on my hands and knees on the top of my staircase and beg for death. I was maybe around 8 at the time. I wasn't even in middle school. Everyday I'd ake up and feel dissapointed. I'd lay in my bed a bit more cuz I didn't want to get up and llive another day. Can you imagine a child so young begging you to kill them? Can you imagine your child asking that? I used to go my life wanting to die everyday because I was depressed. I was bored. I was scared. I honestly didn't even want to die; I just didn't want to live. But now, I've changed. I don't wish for death but I'm not as scared as I used to be. I mean, I'm not inviting death to knock on my doors, but I have this thirst to be done with this life. I'm bored but only because I know this life pales in comparrison to what comes after. I'm bored because I just want nothing more than to run and hug Jesus physically and directly, in his face, say thank you over and over and over again. I can't imagine what he must've felt as his child, such a young one too, begged him to take her life only because she was too coward to do it herself. Also, I didn't mention that those were the only times I talked to God at all back then. God truly changed me. That isn't all, it truly isn't! I also have had this....situation where everyone around me felt different. At first I felt like the only normal person and everyone else was an NPC, but then I started to realize the only reason they looked like NPCs to me was because they all had some invisible thing or trait in common. I still to this day have no clue what it is, but It was something like this fundemental rule to being human. But I didn't have it. I had the body of a human, the brain of a human, the intelligence of a human...for the most part, but this thing, this thing I lacked. I copied different people constantly to try and figure out what it was but all I gained was an identity crisis. I panicked and cried for a while because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I always knew the people around me were different in a way I couldn't relate, but it all came together, or rather, fell apart when someone very close to me verbally told me something was wrong with me...multiple times. I've been speculated before that I could be on the spectrum. At first I was thought to have ADHD, both kinds. Then I was suspected to have Autism as well as sensory issues. I asked to be tested but still, it isn't really worth the time, money, and effort to others, so I am still unsure. Honestly I hoped this was the case because I'd finally have a reason as to why I'm this way and so that it'd prove nothing was wrong with me. Now, I still struggle a bit with this one simply because I truly want to just know myself. I have someone who understands me. In fact, He made me. And he doesn't make mistakes. I am no misfunction. There is nothing wrong with me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and only in christ did I figure that out. He is the only confromation I need. God changes people in ways you never would've guessed.

I just read Judges 19 through 20 and I am...shocked and apalled.

Here's a summary:

A Levite's concubine cheats on him and dips for her dad's house for 4 months. Missing his wife, he went to get her and win her back. He got her, left, and stopped at Gideah for a break and to sleep for the night. An old man took them in but then a gang of gay rapists came in hopes of raping the Levite man. The old man refuses and offers his virgin daughter as well as the Levite's wife instead. The gang doesn't listen and the Levite gives up the wife anyway in his place. The gang rapes and beats her from night to daybreak before finally letting her go. She goes back to the old man's house in attempt to return to her master/husband but dies on the doorstep. The man sees this in the morning, takes her home, cuts her limb by limb into 12 pieces, and scatters her around Israel. The Israelites were appalled and angered and so they went to war with the Benjaminites, killing tens of thousands of Israelites, cutting off an entire tribe, and cursing the survivors to never marry any Israelite again. The Israelites then made peace with the survivors, practically kidnapped hundreds of women from a different tribe, offered them up as wives to them without their or their parent's consent to offset the curse that no man shall give a wife to the Benjaminites, and went on with the world.

This sounds bad. Every sentence sounds horrible. I had to double take everytime I read a single sentence. But I did get something out of this:

One sin, even if directed at one person, a seemingly nobody, can snowball into a catastrophe of unfortunate events. Sin has a price, a very big one. And sometimes, it's not only the evil doer who pays for it. God will make everything turn out for the greater, but that doesn't mean we'll like the process. At all. I'd suggest we cut off sin from our lives...

Guys. God made frogs. HE IMAGINED THESE CREATURES UP.

Like let me just rant and give a list of some creatures God made and I love Him for it

• Frogs:

CUTE LIL JUMP PUPPIES! THEY SO GOOFY AND DERPY AND THEY GO RIBBIT AND SOMETIMES THEY SCREECH

• Bunnies

Come on, iconic. ICONIC. Famous for being cute!!

• CATS

YES. LIL TOE BEANED, BIPOLAR, SLEEP MACHINES

• Dolphins

So cool, but also so weird. Insane behaviour; God, I have questions

• Sheep

BAHHHHH! Perhaps His second favorite creation! Us being first of course!

• Fish

There are SO many species! He thought up EVERY SINGLE ONE!! THAT'S A LOT OF FISH

• Ferrets

LONG NOODLES

• Dogs

Did He make them to literally be man's best friend? Did Adam have a dog? Either way, I LOVE THEM

• Parrots

TALKING FLIPPIN ANIMALS THAT CAN FLY

• Mosquitos

May I inquire why? I'm not questioning your choices, God, but I'm so curious. Very curious indeed (especially to why you made them like me so much)

• Leaches

REALLY CURIOUS NOW

• Ants

So smol and so strong, but also really smart

• Venus fly trap

YES. COOLEST PLANT EVER. MY FAVORITE CARNIVOROUS PLANT! LOOKS PRETTY AND AWSOME AND EATS BUGS! SUPER COOL DESIGN, GOD!

• Whales

SO BIG! SO COOL! I LOVE!

• Jellyfish

Where's the everything they need to live?! God, you've done it again!

• Humans

Gotta be His favorite creation! So smart and complicated! Yet unfortunately, so dumb and simple too. If only we stuck too the intended parts of us.

I love how if a christian simply states that LGBTQ is a sin and against God's will, like not shaming or condeming or insulting the person nor the group, but just not agreeing or engaging in their activities, they are immediently the scum of the Earth and become a Judgy jerk. I also love that if literally anybody mocks and belittles the christian faith and scorns it and it's believers while dragging our traditions, holidays and saviour in the dirt while marketing it as some fat old man with a sack of presents, a dumb mutant bunny that lays eggs, or even using the symbol of peace from our God as their sign of pride, most less out of spite than others I will 100% admit, it's just funny and totally acceptable. Oh wait, no. I don't love it. I hate it. I hate it a lot.

I hate how God is a banned topic of discussion in public.

I hate how we are forced to agree to something people know we cannot support or we are labeled as disgusting.

I hate how saying Jesus loves you is an insult to people.

I hate how christian social persecution is so popular yet so unrecognized because it is a big religoun.

I hate how people always feel the need to throw shade and hate to the majority groups simply because of a past and a minority they possess.

I don't just mean christians, I mean all of them.

I hate how everybody dogs on white people because their ancestors used to be racist.

I hate how they are denied the rights to experience other people's cultures simply because of their skin.

I hate how minority groups sometimes abuse and missuse the hard work of their ancestors by using their skin color as a pass to say and do anything.

I hate how every tiny inconvenience ends with a "because I'm XYZ" when it has nothing to do with XYZ.

I hate that I have to tell people of my OWN race that they should stop being jerks to white people and stop picking fights with them if they want to put weave in their hair.

I hate how people think it's ok to say racist things about white people but when a white person says something to you, it's a problem.

I hate how black people can take on "white" characteristics but when a white person does it it's gross.

I hate how people only see two races when there are so many more.

I hate how it's all about black rep, and I love that I do, but when it takes it too far and now anything not containing a black person in it is discriminatory.

I hate how people expect anime and gaming industries from eastern countries to show black people when the people in the region are majority asian.

I hate how people are ok blackwashing characters but not whitewashing them, or even making them lightskinned.

I hate how people blackwash characters that are ALREADY A MINORITY like in anime because the characters are ASIAN.

I hate how people refuse to give representation to races that aren't black, like Eastern asians, southern asians, island pacificers, hespanics, middle eastern, etc.

I hate how when people say we are in a world where we have started accepting our differences, they are lying.

They are lying because accepting and ignoring are two different things.

Accepting them would be talking about things we don't agree on in regular conversations, welcoming friendly debate, not having to be afraid to say something out of fear of not agreeing with a social norm, not facing social persecution.

Today we do not have that.

Today we ignore our differences.

We avoid religous talk, political talk, saying we dislike a movie everyone else loves, saying we like a genre nobody else likes, hobbies other's could find a little odd like, mentioning family situations, mentioning, disagreeing with social norms, and so much more.

I hate it so much.

And I hate that the world doesn't hate it.

God allows trials and tribulations. He allows bad deeds and horrible sin. He didn't stop that girl from being assulted, or that child from being kidnapped, or that bullet from entering someone's skull. He let it happen. But you have to remember he has a reason. He always has a reason. Even if we don't know it ourselves. Job was tried, and while many say it was to test and prove his faith, could there have been more to it? Something bigger and greater? Job taught us how to react in the face of uncertainty, doubt, and suffering. Through his pain, we have had years of our own suffering lifted from us. Just like Job, our suffering may not look like it has a reason and honestly, sometimes the reason isn't to teach a lesson at all, sometimes, it's something else, but it always has a reason. Our suffering may not be written in a historical holy book, and thank God for that cuz that would probably have to be like holocaust level to get into a historical document, but we can still use it to teach our friends, our family, and people we haven't even met yet. Job taught his wife to stay strong, his friends to be humble, and all of us, generations of people, that God has the answers and we don't ever need to doubt that. So stay strong guys. And know it has a purpose.

I was just scrolling youtube when I came about a short and this woman was sharing her faith. Her friend had died of cancer and they had really really really prayed hard for healing and they had faith it would happen. But she still died. And what she said next shook me to my very core. She had said that even if God does not deliver us, we should not lose faith and stay devoted. And honestly I was punched in the face with knowledge and pure wisdom. I pray for her, her family and loved ones as we give condolences, and I pray a peaceful return home to their friend.